Goodbye 2010

Had this been 2009 this post would have had a much different title which would have read something like
"So Long 2009" or "Sayonara 2009"
But it is not. I am saying Goodbye to 2010, which is such a profoundly similar yet different year than 2009. Last year was a year of a little bit of hope but then new found heartbreak. My soul was shattered not once but twice. For a moment i thought I'd lost myself. But i said goodbye to that year with the hope of a much better time in 2010. And at first it started off better, i had a renewed since of hope, i was blessed once again to carry a beautiful little boy who we named Tristen. But yet a familiar thing happened, he wasn't meant to stay long. Again I was shattered, torn and heartbroken, but it wasn't the same as the last 2 times. Yes it hurt, no i didn't understand any of it, but! in all my despair and anguish buried deep down underneath it all, I still had hope. I may not have been sure whether i was coming of going for a moment but i still had hope. I've even gotten to know God on a deep level than I had before. I still have my faith and i still hold strong to hope. Yes 2010 was bittersweet, but i am thankful for the lessons that i have learned. I am confident in knowing that God has prepared me for greater in 2011. And yes I still may falter at times, But! I can say that i will trust in Him. I pray that 2011 holds many great things for all of my kindred spirits. and though we enter a new year i will

Forever Love My Angels

Wishing you all a beautiful peaceful New Year!

Tricked Myself

I think for a moment I'd tricked myself into thinking that if AF came next month then i'd be okay with that. But as the time nears i'm caught in between. Part of me wants to see a BFP asap and part of me is thinking that i should wait a bit. There's that word again, that word that i cannot stand but can't seem to avoid b/c of course in this new normal that seems to be one of the only sure choices i have is to........WAIT, not matter how long or short the wait is. But i am not sure if it is because some around me IRL think that i should wait or that i maybe once felt that I should. Any who, all i know now is that as it nears time for AF to appear I am more and more of a ball of mixed emotions. But i am thankful that God is my source. I know that whatever happens he is with me. I was reassured of it in sunday school as we studied these verses:

Isaiah 43

1But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. 2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall flame kindle upon thee. 3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee.

and yes he was talking to Egypt at the time, but to know that promises of God and to know that as he was there for them and with them that he is here for me and with me. So as I'm on this momentary dip of this ratchet rollercoaster that doesn't seem to want to let me off I will still hope in He who strengthens me and snuggle in the comfort of knowing that He is with me.

All things are A-Go ;O)

My follow up on Thursday went great. Dr. G said the surgery went well. He was very happy with how things went. He said the only thing for him was that it took him longer a little longer because he had a hard time getting the knot tied, to which i then replied "but you got it tied right". to which he answered yes ;o) He also said that everything looked good and all that is left is for me to get pg and follow up with my doc:o) So basically all things are a-go !

Loving My Angels

Cherry on Top

Today I got a pleasant surprise from Annie over at cradlesand graves. She has given me the cherry on top award so I am now taking a moment (well more than a moment )to choose 5 to pass it on to. Thank you so much Annie ;o)

So here are my 5 ;O)

1. CGD over at adventures in infertility land.
2. Debby at for your tears
3. Jamie at forget me not oh lord
4. Trena over at free to fly
5. Andrea at life love and the pursuit of our fairytale
6. Deni over at foxy troxies

okay i know it's more than five but it's so hard to choose ;O) But of course i love you all ;o)

Loving My Angels

Yesterday I arrived at the hospital 5min early, which is truly a feat for me. But i guess i have to say thanks to my SIL E who brought me, b/c had it just been me i probably would have been 5min after. I was then checked in and asked to fill out a little bit of paper work which didn't take long at all. And the best part of all, i didn't have to pay anything at all upfront. (woo hoo for hubby's insurance, lol) I was then sent up for pre-op where i had a lovely outfit waiting for me. a light purple hospital gown, white cap and purple footies ( the socks were actually cute). then a little more paper work and my SIL was allowed to come up while i talked with the nurses and met the anesthesiologist and then waited for Dr.G. Once he came he explained what would happen and what he would do. Once he left i was given some medicine to help me relax and then wheeled toward the operating room, but then had to be wheeled back for a second b/c they were waiting on something and that is the last thing i remember. LoL. When i woke up i was back in the room i had been in earlier wondering when they were gonna take me back for the procedure,. finally my SIL and friend from church came back up and let me know that I was done. Talk about clueless. I thought i was still waiting and I'd been done all along. It was 11 a.m and here i thought i had even had the surgery yet. I didn't get to talk to Dr. G but my SIL had talked to him and told her that the surgery went well. It only took 45min but that it only took that long because he was having a hard time getting in and tying they knot. But he assured her that he got it. She even said that he was more excited about it than us. She said he was telling her how he couldn't wait to do more. So i was then taken home around 1something. I returned a few calls and texts and mostly slept the the rest of the day. I was rather sore had a little bit of pain but taking alieve seems to help. He gave me a prescription for vicodin but i absolutely hate the way it makes me feel. I am feeling better today. I am still sore but not hurting like i was yesterday. I've been walking a bit around the house. I was told that would help a lot. I go in on Thursday for a followup with Dr. G and will have more details (from my view anyway) then. I want to thank you all for your prayers, e-mails, texts and calls. and i certainly want to thank and praise God b/c i couldn't have gone through it without him. I thank him for being in the operating room with me and guiding the doctors hands. He is truly an awesome God.








here are a couple of pics.

Incision sights (there are 4) (sorry if TMI) My TAC was done laproscopically rather than the traditional .

My socks ;o) (sorry didn't get a pic of the gown, but it wasn't as cute anyway)

Loving My Angels

I thought I'd take a little time out to update what's been going on with me. I mean it's only the right thing to do seeing as how i want to remember this journey so I can look back during the brighter days and have a record of where God has brought me from. Well you all remember me posting about my consult (if not hit the link) with Dr. S. Well she did talk to her colleagues and I ended up meeting with one of them Nov 15. I call him Dr. G. It actually went well and I was glad that i met with him. He was very polite and showed much concern for me. First he came in and introduced himself, asked me a bit about my history. He then actually did a full exam. Then he came back in and we talked. He told me a bit (well a lot actually , lol about himself) then answered some questions i had before I even asked them. so here's the summary

He believes i am good candidate for the TAC (of course right ;O) )
He is a Ob/Gyn practicing for 31yrs but he is also the lead laproscopic surgeon for Baylor medical college (it's a hospital)
The only thing is I would be the first laproscopic TAC he has done.
That being said, in explaining to me , he seems to really know what he is doing.
He has done numerous TVC (trans vaginal cerclages)
He has also done many hysterectomy's laproscopically as well as many other surgeries.
He walked me through what he would do but also explained to me why other doctors like to do it the traditional way
The TAC will be placed around the top of my cervix and not through it (this it to prevent possible tearing of my cervix)
The operation is a in and out procedure with a 3day recovery.
once recovered if i wanted we could start trying right away.
He believes with the TAC i can make it to full term and should anything arise the earliest i would have to deliver is between 32 and 36wks, but he believes i should be able to make it to 39 to 40wks (he said 39 because i can opt to schedule my c-section at 39wks if i want)

All in all i trust that he knows what he is doing. I took yesterday and today to talk to hubby and think about it more and i still feel the same.

Dr. G told me that i could schedule the surgery as soon as i felt ready it's just up to me.

So with that being said and I know I've waited like a super long time to let it out (but i had to hold on to it for me, i just needed to wait)
After much thinking and talking and praying I went in for pre-op labs on Monday 12-6-2010 and i will be having my surgery tomorrow.
12-10-2010

I will be updating on it more either tomorrow (depending on how i am feeling ) or Saturday.

Drifting Between

Drifting between hope and............hmmm what's the word............i'll just say finding it hard to hope sometimes. It seems some days, well some moments I am just filled with so much hope, I have so many thoughts and dreams about the futrure about the things to come, and then out of nowhere come the if's , what if's and will it happen's arrive. It all gets very very tiresome sometimes. I don't want the negative but it just sometimes get's sooooooooooo hard to hold on to the positive. I see and read so many stories of hope and evidence that it can happen, but it sometimes leaves thoughts of "will it happen for me" or "when will it happen for me". I truly truly hate feeling this way, but sometimes these feeling just come and it sucks because I truly truly believe that i will get my turn , i guess it's just the waiting that sucks and the thinking that comes along with the waiting, which most of the time starts out with hope but then comes the scaredness to hope b/c i think that sometimes deep down i feel if i expect the worst the good will be that much better. geesh who knows?


Philippians6-7 says
Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

This scripture i seem to cling to with my very being. I pray to God everyday, I thank him for all that i ask and yes he does bring me peace, but again sometimes the thoughts creep in and i'm back in the middle not only drifting between but sometimes stuck between. and i wish i had a better word for the opposite of hope that i'm feeling. I don't want to use fear, b/c that's not it, it's I guess just maybe a kind of uncertainty about what's next. I don't know. I can say that i have been taking steps forward in order to have that future that i so hope for and i will post about it soon, but for now i will end my rambling for today and do my best to push more toward hope.

Loving My Angels

2 B's

The two B's. Baby talk and Baby showers. hmmmmmmmmm where to begin..........i guess i will start with baby talk. Sometimes i think that i've put on such a good face around others that they think that it doesn't bother me at all. Now i will admit that yes i can hear some for a certain amount of time, but it just seems like lately everyone wants to pull out pictures of babies or talk about the sheer adorableness of babies, and yes i like to hope and reminisce from time to time, but.... there are times that no i may not be in a place to handle it. And as i said, maybe i've just put on too good a face lately, and even i will admit that yes at times i've said aloud my hopes for the future and have even been able to point out cute things that i hope to purchase and maybe i've done such a good job at being optimistic that i've fooled even myself! ha! but perhaps i will never know. but enough of random ramblings on this subject on to the next B (ha ha almost seems like i'm cursing (he he) )

Baby Showers! Yes, I know that there are some of you out there with rainbows who struggle with the decision on when to have one or if you will even have one at all. Such a hard and scary decision. And even now i wonder to myself if i ever will, and then there's a part of me that know I definately will! it may not be until my 31 or 36th week, but should i get my rainbow i know deep down that yes I will have one. Then there's the other some of us who struggle with if we can handle going to a baby shower. I have been invited to a couple within november and i have sort of just brushed them to the back of my mind, but here it is december and they are fast approaching and they are back at the forefront, so the now question is what to do, what to say, how to decline. I've talked (well texted) to one friend and told her that maybe i could just help decorate and probably not stay for the shower or I'd bring my gift before it got started (hey shopping for a gift is a step in itself) and i am thankful that she understands and I guess i could say the same to the other friend hmmmmmmmmmmmmm we shall see. How do you deal with the 2 B's.

Loving My Angels

What's Yours Wednesday

When i was little McDonald's used to be my favorite fastfood place to eat. Nuggets and fries were my favorite, but when i got older ( probably like highschool) I fell in love with another place. Chic-fil-a! Yes it is absolutley my favorite fast food place to grab a bite. I remember when hubby and i were in the process of buying our house I had to go to the bank and have statements printed off and the banker was like "you really like chic-fil-a " . I ablsolutely love them. It's the only place that no matter what city i am in they are always quick, kind and courteous (except for on place, but that one is no longer open) . And i also respect the fact that they are closed on sundays and that no matter how many people are there the service is always quick! Not to mention their waffle fries are awesome. I could probably go on and on about them but i'm going to keep this post short. So now you know my favorite fastfood place, What's Yours?

Loving my Angels

Xavien

One year ago today an angel grew wings much too soon for her daddy and me. A year ago today my heart was broken for the second time. A year ago today I held a sweet angels tiny body in my hands. A year ago today I cried until i thought i had no tears left, and then cried some more. A year ago today another piece of my heart went to heaven. But, today i give God thanks for you. I thank him for sending a special blessing in my life. Today i thank him because though i don't understand it I know that through the pain is a rainbow of blessings i won't have room enough to recieve. Today I thank him for allowing me peace in knowing that you are loved there more than i can imagine loving you here (and believe me i love you alot!) Today I am thankful that i will one day see you again. I am blowing kisses to heaven, sending my love on a prayer and remembering you, my sweet beautiful baby girl. You will always be my first girl, my second child, beloved and never forgotten. I will hold you in my heart forever

HAPPY ONE YEAR IN HEAVEN Xavien

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY!

Loving my Angels

I want that.......................

I know it probably has been stated quite a bit through out my blog, and I know that i am not the only one feeling this way, but tonight i just need to put it out there once more

I want to know the feeling of making it past 19wks................................
I want to feel the joy of finding out the gender of my baby because i will be preparing to say hello and not goodbye....................
I want to know the joy of feeling him/her kick for the first time and be able to look forward to many more............................................
I want to smile b/c i've reached the milestone of 24wks...............................................................
I want to see my inny(sp?) become and outty...............................................................................
I want my hubby to rub my belly.......................................................................
I want to smile because i've reached 28wks..................................................................................
I want to shop for cribs, and diaper bags and car seats..........................................
I want a baby shower..........................................................................
I want pictures of my bare belly......................................................................................
I want the excitement of getting ready to see my baby for the first time b/c I know that this time he /she is coming home with me....................................................................................
I want the tearful joy of hearing their first cry................................................................................
I want the joy of holding them for the first time as they squeeze my finger....................................
I want to see the joy in my husbands face b/c we have a blessing created in love...............................
I want the sweetness of holding him/her against my chest as i rock him/her to sleep.................
I want to hear first words and see first steps......................................................................
I want 1st and 2cnd and 3rd and more birthdays.....................................................................
I want the terrible two's and tempertantrums and potty training and sleepless nights and diaper changes and bottle feedings and lulliby's.......................................................................................
I want all of that................................................................................
and i can't wait for the day (okay well I can, b/c technically I have no choice, but still..................)







Loving My Angels

A little catching up

Lets see................where to begin. I think i will get the somewhat gloomy out the way first. Well this month will be a heavy month for me. Wait you know what i take that back, God has been working on me and given me such a peaceful spirit that I don't even understand it. But that is what he said he'd do right so I shouldn't be too surprised right;

philippians 4: 6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

But i am. Well i guess not surprised, but more amazed. I mean yes I know in my heart that God can do it, but when it's actually happening to you, it's a real eye opener (sp?) to how sovereign our God really is.

Okay let me get into the story so you can know what i mean. This month i should be a babbling mess. The 26th will mark my sweet baby girl Xavien's 1yr in heaven and then the day after that is Tristen's due date. And let me say I was truly dreading this month. But yet here i am. in one piece, at peace. Getting ready to go to my moms for the holiday. Having to look at my niece who was born 3months after cameron's due date. But i can truly sit here and say that i am okay. Yes I may shed some tears. Yes I'm going to light a candle and remember my sweet baby girl. Yes i will reflect on the fact that i should be getting ready for Tristens arrival, I'm doing that now, but i do it with a peace in my heart that I know can only be from God. He is truly an awesome God and I don't want to know where i'd be without him. I am truly thankful. For the people that he has put in my life to help me through. I am truly gratefu. For his love, for his guidence, for positive thinking, for the new things he has done and is doing in me I am truly thankful

I even stand bold on tonight and thank him in advance for successful pregnancies! (yes plural did you catch that ;o) I am believing that it will happen and not just for me, but i am hoping and believing for the hopeless as well. Don't worry if you're tired, just rest because i am believing.
Wow I guess taking time off has done me some good. God is good!

I think i am gonna stop here because if keep going it's gonna be a super long post ;O) good night all


Loving My Angels

Hello Blogosphere!

Hello Blogosphere!

Did you miss me! As you probably figured i'd taken a break from the wonderful world of blogging. A much needed break but I have really missed you. I've been catching up for the past couple of weeks, reading other blogs. Geesh it seems like I have missed so much. I'm sure i have because a lot has gone on and still going on with me since i last posted which most i will be writting up soon. Know that I've been thinking of and praying for all of you. Lots of Love ;O)

Loving My Angels

Tv

Tonight as I sat and got ready to watch one of my favorite shows "Greys Anatomy" I began to get a little weary b/c the previews showed derek and merideth visiting a doctor to talk about fertility. and i noticed that i i'm weary of this about any shows that have anything to do with fertiltity or babies. But then i as i began to watch, i began to think and wonder how many others are there out there that have a hard time watching this show? Not b/c they are BLM's but because they are dealing with an issue that someone else has. This is a show about a hospital (well the people in it) and until now it didn't hit me that eventhough this is a tv show they are dealing with real issues. Eventhough some situations in the show are far fetched, the reality is that somewhere someone is dealing with some of these issues. Heck i'm sure that some of the storylines are taken from headlines. So I wander how many sit in tears as they watch b/c they or someone they know has the exact same issue as a patient on the show, or turns to another channel when a certain scene comes up or tourture themselves b/c they think they've moved on and are strong enough to watch it again. Or how many can't even watch this or other shows at all. I wonder do other situations affect others in this way? if they affect others in this way?

I remember being so happy when discovery health announce that they were having baby week. That all week long they would be showing nothing but baby show's. I was pg with Tristen at the time and though I still miss Camron and Xavien but i thought "I could get through it b/c it would be something that Tristen and I could share" but a week before it was to start, I lost tristen and again i found myself not being able to watch many of the show's i loved before i even thought about having children.

Oh how i miss birth day, and baby story and bringing home baby, and make room for baby, and i didn't know i was pregnant. Shows that I loved long before loss, shows that i still love but can't watch;o(
But I still have hope that i will some day bring home my own beautiful rainbow, i will hope that i will oneday have the strength to watch them again.

and whada'ya know there was only one scene talking about fertility. hmmmmmmm

Loving My Angels

Jersey-fied

I thought i'd take from brie's monday post . Though i don't watch all the jersey show's i figured it would still be fun to do so like brie i went here and became a jersey girl for a few minutes

Gorgeous I know right ;o) LoL

I hope it made you laug. it certainly made me laugh ;o) Happy Tuesday all ;O)


Loving My Angels

Consult

So today i went for my consult with Dr. S. ( the MFM doctor that i found and was able to fit me in sooner than the other one i had found.) I am very happy that i went. The appointment went very well. I got a bit upset because i left my questions in the car (and i had to park waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay away from the actual building that i had to go into) but it was okay b/c she ended up answering most of the questions anyway.

1. She said that she wouldn't do a cerclage before hand b/c it would increase the risk of infection (seeing as how we don't know when i would actually become pg)

2.She said she believes that i can have a successful pregnancy with a cerclage. (she would do a shidokar stitch instead of a mcdonald. not much difference it's just that one is placed a little higher than the other and it takes just a little longer to do)

3.I would be monitored at least every other week/two weeks. If during any of those checkups my stitch has shortened or it looks as if the stitch has loosened , she would go in and put another stitch/rescue stitch. (She believes in my case that the stitch had loosened enough to allow the baby to come through. of course she can't say for sure b/c she was not my doctor at the time)

4. She also feels that i don't need the TAC. She only does those in cases where there is no cervix to work with. (she strongly feels that i can have a successful pregnancy with a vaginal cerclage, close monitoring and some bedrest.

She has had successful cases of previous m/c /failed cerclage and then a successful pregnancy so that gives me hope.

I'm sure that there are things that i'm leaving out but just can't recall right now but what i have if the most important stuff. I'm just happy that i can breathe a little better knowing that i have some hope. I think i might even dare to dream again.;O)

Thank you Lord for some good news;O)

Loving My Angels

Made my Day ;O)

I don't know where to begin except to say that God is good. He surrounds me with those that i need when i need them. and though IRL there arent many, but just enough. Today I got to have lunch with one of the most sweet, real, loving and sincere people i have met since losing my babies. Today I got to have lunch with Katy's aunt. She first messaged me on facebook and let me know that she follows my blog and that she prays for me (she even sent me a message praying for me), she checks in on me and then last week we talked about having lunch but we both had a pretty full week so we decided on this friday to do it. I am so happy that i was able to meet her. It was the best time that i have had in a while. A time where i felt like it was okay to bring up being in the hospital, knowing that i could talk to her about my babies and not ruin her day. It was lovely. I truly have no words to describe my lunch with her. If you were looking from the outside you would never have thought today was my first day meeting her. She has such a big heart. To finally sit and be able to talk to someone who simply gets it, was so refreshing. I don't even have the words to describe it, but i did know that i had to take time out and just thank God for putting her in my life and Crystal I thank you for becoming a part of my life.

Loving My Angels

What's Your's Wednesday!

So while i'm having an up moment, I decided to take a break from the normal gloom that seemed to be looming about in my blogs lately and do something different. ( i've realized that i can still talk about my angels , but also talking about other things makes this blog no less dedicated to them. I will still love them no matter what i talk about) And came up with What's your's wednesdays. I figured it's a way to get to know my beautiful ladies out in the blogosphere and let you know a little bit about me. I probably won't do it every wednesday, it will more likely be the wednesdays that it strikes me. So today we will start with movies. My husband and I are big movie buffs (sp?) and we have a large collection. Sometimes we get a certain movie b/c we have part 1 so we have to have the sequals to make the collection complete (even if we don't watch the sequal) lol. Sometimes we get movies and only watch it that one time. and out of all the movies we have I tend to watch the same few over and over again. My all time favorite movies are Dirty Dancing ( I fell in love with patrick swayze(R.I.P) the first time i saw it), Grease 1, School Daze , Chicago, Low Down Dirty Shame and FAME (the latest version not the original). So these are my favorite movies(a lot of favorites i know ;O) ). WHAT'S YOUR'S ;O)


Loving My Angels

Wrapped up

Sometimes I feel like i'm just wrapped up in myself a little too much. and i truly don't mean to be at all. But it seems like (or at least feels like ) life has dumped a lot on me these days (this past year and a half) that it's hard for me to keep up. I feel bad when i've let a few days slide in between reading blogs and then i find out i've missed and important date, or that i have date marked but i'm so wrapped up in me and the things going on that i forget. It's like i'm giving back the love that i have recieved and it kinda sucks. I still pray for everyone, sometimes in general and sometimes specific, but i just get a little upset sometimes that I sometimes forget about doing the things that i want to do. I guess it just sucks sometimes. I dont' know . this evening is just a random thought that i had to get out of my head I guess.



I've been wanting to write lately but i've been so wrapped up in me it's hard b/c i'm in one of those moments (that i seem to have often lately) where i feel a certain way but yet i don't know what it is. I'm almost feeling a million things at once yet nothing at all . ( I know makes me sound a little crazy huh) but hey, that's the way i feel right now.



But again know that I am praying and that none of you are ever far from my heart or thoughts.





Cam, Xavien and Tristen, I miss you so much right now. I wish i had better words to describe what i'm feeling but all i can come up with is that i miss you and i love you, from the depths of my soul, the bottom of my heart, with my life I love you.

Back here again

After a few days of peace, and dare i say it , a little bit of happiness. The sadness is back and it sucks. it started yesterday when i found out i'm gonna have to wait a little longer than i wanted before i can start school. and i know i know it's nothing major, that at least i will still get to go, just not when i want to. But the having to wait is not why i cried. I cried b/c i went to visit the school with an expectation and unfortunately what i expected didn't happen, I cried b/c i just wanted something to go my way. This past year and a half has been nothing but heartache and i just wanted a moment of good news for me. Sometimes i feel like i ask God for too much at once but then i think he's a mighty God he's able to do exceedingly abundantly more that i can ever imagine, so the things that i ask for arent much at all. which then leads me to wandering what am i doing wrong, what am i missing, what am i not seeing. I mean i am truly thankful that he hears my prayers when I ask him to bless others. I am truly happy for them when i hear of therir good news. But i just want, no need just something good in my life. I know that good things are coming my way, I just need to them to come a little quicker i guess.

Loving My Angels

A Lovely Award;o)

Today I've recieved a lovely award from a new blogger (well not really new per say, but new to me) and i must tell her that I am so very thankful that she thought of me;o)

So again i say thank you to butterflymom for thinking of me. You just don't know how much your kindness lifts my spirits ;O)

And now for the rules:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered. (Now they probably won't be newly discoverd because i don't have a lot of those, though i could give it back to butterflymom , but i wouldn't want to play ping pong now would I ;o) )


3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.


So here are my 10 ;O)

1. http://whilewerewaitinginfla.blogspot.com/

2. http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/

3. http://jenn625.blogspot.com/

4. http://kristieverret.blogspot.com/

5. http://makingourtroxclairfamily.blogspot.com/

6. http://fortheloveofaudrey.blogspot.com/

7. http://loridoesmd.blogspot.com/

8. http://livinglife-angie.blogspot.com/

9. http://wwwforyourtears.blogspot.com/

10. http://adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com/

There are many more lovely blogs that i would have love to put but for one the rules say on 10 and for two if i did put them all i would be here all night:O) .

p.s Andrea I wanted to put you but you were already nominated ;O) but hey i still linked your blog just now huh;O) LoL

Loving My Angels

Pray Pray Pray!

I Just saw this on facebook and i haven't heard anything new as of recently but the post said that Katy has been rushed to L&D with cramping and bleeding. She is carrying her rainbow Eliana. She is not due until the end of December. So i am soliciting all of my BLM's out here in blog land and whoever else may be lurking to please send up prayers for this sweet soul and her baby.


Update:

bleeding has stopped. contractions appear to have stopped/slowed down. waiting on test results to see if she is to stay in L&D or get to go home.


Update to the Update:
Good news . Tests negative. She's going home. but please continue to pray .


I love you katy and we are praying for you. ((HUGS))

I Am, I Will

I am a child of God. He loves me. I am his and he is mine. I will hope in him, i will believe in him. with him i am able to do all things. This is what i will hold too. When anxiety tries to rear it's ugly head, when hopelessness tries to push it's way in. I am done. Done giving in to the sadness, done giving into despair and hurt and pain. That is not the way my God has destined me to live. Yes there will still be tears. yes there will still be moments, but they will not own me. I will not give in to the tricks of the enemy. My body , mind and spirit belongs to God. I choose to walk with him, to walk in him. I know that I have purpose. I knw that it one day shall be revealed. I know that i will look back on all that i've been through and thank God because of what it brought me. I will forever love my babies that are residing in that sweet place i one day hope to be that i can see their beautiful faces again, but while im here i will remember the things that they've taught me , the blessings and people they have brought me, i will continue to love deeply, do my best to forgive more quickly, to bless others as they have blessed me. Most importantly to continue to do my best, not just my best but the best in me that God has given me as i trudge along this journey.

Loving My Angels

Hello Aunt Flo

Hello Aunt Flo,

I'm glad that you've stopped by to let me know that yes i do still have eggs
that i still have a chance at one day turning one those eggs into a baby.
A baby that i will hopefully one day get to keep.

I could do without the bloating, cramps and sore boobs (think about that on your next visit)

Although I'm glad to say hello please feel free at anytime to just as quickly go;o)

Loving My Angels

Aren't Enough

I went to check my mail today (finally after like a week and a half) and found this! :O)

The pictures do it no justice. It is simply beautiful!

Did one of you actually make this ? or was it each of you made a piece? However you did it I love it and i can't stop staring and smiling at it;o)

Words aren't enough to express the thoughtfulness, kindess and love shown to me since i've started this jouney. They aren't enough to express my gratitude, and Love for the women who uplift me. Though this is a journey that i wouldn't choose for myself or any other of the wonderful women i've met, I am glad that i am walking it with you. Yes the grief is heavy at times, but God has certainly chosen a select group of women. To love and care so deeply for not just your own pain and grief but for those around you as well . I can say that b/c i've run into women IRL who have had m/c's and seem to not be fazed by it one bit, and i don't mean the she's just trying to stay strong in public facade. I mean who truly don't seem to be bothered by it at all. But here, God has placed with me many wonderful beautiful people to help me when i am down, to keep my spirit up when i feel it's waining away. I wish i had my own private plane because i would fly to each of you and just hug you. I love you all so much. But again words just arent enough.

My Fab4

Deni, Nan, Andrea, Angie you are the ladies that so gracefully and lovingly reached out to me when i first began this journey. You have been by my side ever since, with calls , cards , texts, gift's and most importantly love and support.

Karen,Katy, Missy, Wendy,Lori, Becky, Heather, Holly and Kristie My Threads of Hope Pieces of Joy Though that was the book from the biblestudy where i got to you a little better;o) That is what you all give me with even the smallest gesture of e-mails and gifts like this one.

Matter of Factly that is what all of you are to me. My threads of hope and actually more than pieces, but my joy. I can say all of this, but yet these words aren't enough. So once you read this just do me a favor and wrap your arms around yourselves really tight and give yourself a big hug from me.

Loving My Angels

p.s. I need addresses. If i don't already have yours I need it. You can e-mail it to me atoneshandrea04@gmail.com

I Wish

I wish i could post something happy. I wish i could post all the wonderful things in my life. Because though it's shadowed by grief, there are still good things, wonderful things, in my life. Unfortunately, the sadness seems to overshadow the good. And i wish that i could just focus on the good, i wish that i could keep trudging ahead with no problems. But as of late, I can't. I'm all over the place. I feel like a crazy person. Eventhough I know and feel without a doubt that good things are coming, I cannot shake this heaviness of grief. I want to smile and be happy (more than just for a moment), I want a little bit more of the old me, just a tiny bit more. But of course most of the old me is gone.



Emotionally I have been all over the place for the past week and a half, I feel like a crazy person. I have so so so much hope but yet I still cry. I can say that some of the crying has been out of happiness for others (which i'm glad about) but the most part it's from being sad, or hurt or frustrated, At the smallest things. and i do mean small. case and point: the other day i was getting ready for church and upon heading out the door i couldn't find my medicine that i needed to take and only after a few seconds of not remembering where i put it , i bust into tears and I'm not even sure why I was so frustrated. and of course when i found them they were right in my face. I think it is time that along with finding a peri that i find a therapist as well.





On the peri front, thanks to the Help of my Fab4 we have narrowed the search down to a few doctors. so now i am just doing my best to be patient and see where the road takes me.

Loveing My Angels

Peri's

I am currently looking for a peri. I want to find the best doctor for me for the time that we ttc again. I want to make sure there won't have to be any guessing games or trying something and it not work out. I want to make sure i do everything right this time to the best of my ability . I want to know all my options if any. I am in no way downing my current doc. but i want to see if there are other solutions than the one that he is proposing. So i would like suggestions or recommendations from anyone in the Houston area or may not be in the houston are but can suggest someone in this are. . So if anyone has anysuggestions please feel free to leave info in a comment or you can e-mail me at oneshandrea04@gmail.com

Loving My Angels

Just Wandering

This evening i had to make a trip to wal-mart to get something for dinner and while on my way out i began to think about a few things.

1. will i one day become a hermit b/c i can't go out in public because i seem to get attacked by precious babies and big pg bellies.

2. will i one day pass out in a store b/c i sometimes hold my breath when i see a belly to keep from crying?

3. and if i were to become said hermit, will i starve to death because i can't go out to get me anything to eat?

4. Can one get dehydrated from crying so much?


Also today i found a peri that seems to be highly rated to get a second opinion from. I mean some said that her bedside manner sucks but they would still see her because she is very good at what she does. This would seem to be good news right? Well duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh she only does one consultation a week and she doesn't have any openings until january and on top of that the secretary said she had to give her my info and why i want to talk to her and then she will call me back to let me know IF she will see me! so not only is this appt after january but it's not even a sure one yet. Geesh!

so in hearing this news it made me wonder

1. maybe i can go stay with my mom for a bit and see if i can find a peri there?

2. Is the sims3 the only place where i can have the family i want?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

This is what sometimes happens when my mind wanders.

Loving My Angels

So here I am at this moment. After having such a tough week. after not being myself. I sit here at a cross roads. Yesterday was better than thursday and the days before. That is until...................duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh ........................ yes a friend of mine is pg. But what can you do. It's not the first i've heard and it won't be the last. So I breathe deeply, suck it up and try to find something to do. I call my pastors wife. She gives me the talk that i need and helps me to get back to myself. Which i am glad. I don't like being the person i was this week. I know that there will be days that i am not happy or that i switch back and forth but i just hate that i let it get to me so. Today has been good and i've been thinking that from now on i'm going to do my best to stay positive that I'm going to cry, but that's okay, i can still speak positive no matter what i'm feeling. I read Andrea's post from friday which only helped me and reinforced what i have decided.

So I'm getting back on track. I am ever so thankful to all of my beautiful BLM's and other beautiful friends who have held me up when i couldn't. I thankful to God who loves me even when I'm not loving him.

So I end this post today with this song because even when I don't feel it, even when i'm sad, and down I am determined to speak life into situations, to say aloud that i believe and at times when it's too much I am still going to lift my hands in
"Total Praise"

Total Praise

Richard Smallwood

Loving My Angels

9-9-09

9-9-09

This is Camron's due date and one would think that if i got through that then 9-9-2010 should be a breeze. But it isn't. because now there are thoughts of "had my body not failed, had i not failed then he'd be turning one today". I think of all the milestones that would have passed in only the first year of his life. The first time he crawled, his first steps, the first time he said ma ma or da da, . I wonder how much he'd way now, how big would he be? I think of how loved and somewhat spoiled he'd be. How special i would have made this day for him. But here i sit with empty arms and a piece of my heart gone.

So today I am blowing kisses to heaven and sending prayers on the wings of angels to my little angel to let him know that I love him and I miss him. He will always be my first born, my first joy and my first love.

Forever Loving My Angels

The removal

So today i went in to have my cerclage removed. I was surprisingly optimistic about going in ( i have no idea why) but that changed a little upon arival. I didn't have the luck today of seeing no bellies when i went in. There were actually two and one of them were on the phone. Talking rather loudly and annoying might i add. So to drown her out i pulled out the ipod and listened to music while playing a game. Finally i was called back. I gave a urine sample and then I was weighed. I now weigh 135 ! woo hoo! 9 lbs down and i'd like to lose 10 more(not sure if that's gonna happen though) but that was the best part of my appt.

The removal was easy. I had very little cramping and that was while he was removing the cerclage. He told me that they didn't do it in the hospital b/c they wanted to the cervix healed first. So i then asked what happened and how did i lose my baby.

He said that my cervix had first shortened some, but it also thinned out alot and then i'd dialated enough for the baby to come through. who would have thought it would have been so hard to listen to him telling me this. It took all i had to hold in the tears. He said that the next time. if i chose there to be a next time that he would like to put in a cerclage before i get pg. That this time he would do a double instead of a single, not one on top of the other but one above and one below. He also said that he'd use a different material (can't remember the materials though) and also some kind of tape that they use (can't rember that either)(i know my memory is sucking bad right now). He said with all that done the longest i'd probably be able to carry is between 27 and 29 wks which would be good but great if i could make it to 30, but they'd shoot to at least 27 to 29. Needless to say that i was a mess and just felt hopeless about everything. If i want a TAC i will have to look up doctors that do those. But i'm not even sure that I want that anymore. I mean if i have a weak cervix in general and it's thinning before i even dialate what good is that gonna do. Who knows. So after a little more talking ( sorry i don't feel like typing it all) i was given and antibiotic and told to call them when i have decided what i'd like to do. I got in my car and cried for like 10min. I just felt hopeless. I don't even know why really. It's not like he said that i can't ever try again or that he advised against it right. But i am on the verge of giving up. I don't know that i can take another chance of losing another precious life. I felt cursed and abandoned. I sat and wondered what is it all for. I do my best to live right, to walk a straight path and yet all i see at the end is hurt. I just want a little piece of something to hold on to. And if there is a solution, a definate solution to me carrying my baby to term then i'd like to find it and find it soon.

But yet I find that in my despair and fussing at God he still sends me his love , he still sends me a comfort even when i'm a little mad at him. My BFF called me on my home and talked to me and really gave me encouragement. Just the simple fact of her telling me "i don't understand what you're going through, but you can't give up" helped me. Just for her listening to me and talking to me and not just giving me ackward silence was a help. Because of her my heart was made lighter. Because of her this post is not all doom and gloom. Thank you and I love you D.

But, i still cannot say where i stand. i so badly want children. I so badly want to carry a chiled created by my husband and I , but i don't know that i can try again. Right now i am just lost and don't know what i'm going to do. So for now i will just continue

Loving My Angels

Random

So tomorrow I go to have this cerclage removed. I am hoping that it's not painful and i am hoping that it's over quick. I'm also hoping to have some answers. Like how can it still be there but my baby isn't. and if it's gonna even be possible for me to carry a baby to term? My morning started off so nice today and then i began thinking about all of this crap and down it went.

I am just hurt. Truly truly hurt. So many things going through my mind. How Cams due date is in two days. How had I not failed him and he made it, he would be turning 1. How i miss him. How i miss them. How i am jealous that so many have been blessed with what I want so badly. I have cousins younger than me not even over the age of 21 who are pg . One who has a son that just turned 1 and is pg with another baby due at the end of this year. not married , father is not involved, barely making it and yet she has what i want and it all seems so unfair.

What if i can't carry a child to term. What if I would need someone to carry my baby for me? would i be able to do it? Honestly I don't want to find out. I know that right now it may seem selfish , but at this moment this is where i am . I want to carry my child i want to see my belly grow, I want to feel his or her kicks. Right now sucks. I have no happy after thoughts. right now i am just stuck in my own self pity. I'm stuck with the what if's and why's and hows. I hear people complaining about being pg and i get angry b/c i'd love to have that problem. I welcome it with open arms.

but i don't have that problem. My problem is a stupid cerclage that i have to go and have removed now, that i'm hoping and prayin hasn't left and infection as i have been having cramps lately. But i will do like this blog that i got from Deni's page and praise him anyway. As i know that things could be a lot worse and that God has brought me through so much already.

Loving My Angels

Seasons

Since the beginning of this year I have heard many sermons on "This is my season" "This is your season" ( not talking directly to me of course but the congregtation as a whole) not only have I heard sermons but i've come across people in geral say that this is our season, or this is their season or telling me this is my season. And of course I know they all meant the season to prosper,but I find that not to necesarily true. What some don't seem to realize is that your season is not always a happy one, it can be your season for joy or your season for hardship and many other things. For a bit I truly beleived it was my season to be joyful to be happy , that the storm had passed. I mean 2009 was awful and I surley would't have a repeat of that, but I now know how wrong i was.


The word says it best:

Ecc3:1-8 says

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend,a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

I am so over this season ( over as meaning i am tired of it.) I am tired of the crying, i'm tired of the sadness , i'm tired of the gloom, i'm tired of wishing, and wanting and waiting. I am so ready to walk into my season. I'm ready to smile again without tears following a few hours or days later. I want this sorrow to go away. Right now just sucks and I don't wanna be in this place. I'm tired of this place. It's cold, sometimes dark, lonely and just plain sad.

I want this storm to be over. I want off this darn roller coaster. I want to smile again. I want my time to laugh and dance and love . Only this time I want to love a baby hear alive and healthy.

SHG

So I just made it home from having the SHG (sonohysterogram) done. It was a little more uncomfortable than the HSG (hysterosalpingogram). He had a hard time inserting the catheter but he told me that was probably due to the fact that my cerclage is still there. Yes it's still there. apperently it wasn't removed when i had my m/c. So now I sit here at home teary eyed and overwhelmed. I guess i should have asked about that back when i m/c but i would have thought they would have removed it then seeing as it no longer had a purpose. But i guess silly me for assuming. So now i have to make an appt with my doctor to have it removed. This sucks, it has me grumpy . For some reason it has me feeling so close to what i want but still so far away. It seems like these small irritations keep popping up and thus begins the frustration all over again. But other than that it went fine. I should be able to get my results by the end of this week so now i sit in wait for that.


Phil4:8
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any praise , think on these things.


So as I wipe away the tears I will follow this and think on the good. Having my life and strength. Being able to get the tests done, having a right mind and working limbs.

and something that has made me especially happy

CONGRATS to Andrea . Sending her lots of love and prayers.

Loving My Angels

Waiting

Psalm37:4-5

Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

This very thing was at one time very hard to do at all. Even now it still is hard at times. But now there are at least times that i can. But I must admit also that there are times that this is hard. One can't help but look at those blessed with what you so desperately long for and wonder why them and not me, why do i suffer yet it comes so easily for them. But then I read this passage this morning and it brings me comfort. If i just focus on him and not what others have, if i just give myself to him, keep my eyes on him, remember his promises for me , his blessings for me, his love for me then he will give me what i so desire. Of course this is not easy. Doing this also means being patient, it means waiting and of course these things seem to be very hard to do. Yet and still no matter how hard it is, I find myself doing this very thing wether i want to or not. At this point waiting is something i have no control over. I wait to get tests, I wait for results, I wait for the next step. I wait and I wait and I wait, but with this waiting i am learning patience. I must say that i never thought that i would be a patient person, but i am begining to be that and that in itself (though it hurts learning it) is a blessing. I've asked God many times to help me to learn patience and it now is coming to me. I'm learning to wait on him to hold on to his word. Though i have had much pain and heartache I am thankful. Thankful that i am able to see a blessing in things that were once to painful to think on, i am able to good where i thought there was none, I am able to hope again. and most importantly I am waiting sometimes patiently and sometimes i get a little anxious, but I am waiting, I am waiting better than what i used to, frustration tries at times to set in, but anger is gone, self pity is moving out of the way. I wait with joy, knowing that my blessing and not only my blessing but those that i have prayed for and continue to pray for, their blessings are coming also. so i will continue to "Delight myself in the LORD"

Thank you Lord for being so good. For giving light to dark situations and circumstances.




Sorry for the babbling. My heart and mind are just full this morning. wishing all a Terrific Tuesday.

Loving My Angels

Those Days

I hate the gloomy days. I hate the days i feel like pooh. I hate those days that one moment i'm fine and in the very next breath i'm crying. I hate the days all i see are the negatives in my life. I hate the days that i get upset at thinking of how others are blessed with what i long for. I hate the days I feel like giving up.

But i also love them

I love them because in those days God gives me a word from him. I love them because he sends others my way with encouragement and love. I love those days b/c he sends me texts through a friend. I love those days because he sends me an open ear. I love those days b/c he loves me enough to send me comfort, to give me wisdom , to help me see the good though it's hard. He puts a song in my spirit. He gives me strength to keep moving no matter how small the step. He reminds me that with him I can make it. That i am not alone and it's not by my own power but by his saving grace that i make it through each day. He is awesome, he is wonderful, he is God.


Phil4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me

Loving My Angels

The Results are In

And the results are...............................



Another Test. I can't recall the name of this one that is next. I was out when i got the results so my terms won't be the terms the nurse used. Basically they found a growth (she didn't say those exact words but i can't remember the term she used) but something like a bump at the opening of my uterus. She says that they are thinking this could be the cause of me m/c but they are not sure so i will be getting another test where they will take xrays and an ultrasound of my uterus I couldn't understand her very well where i was at so i can't recall the actual name of it. So imaging doesn't call me tomorrow then i will call them thursday to see if they got the order then go from there. So this is where i am right now. Lets hope things only begin to look up from here.

on another note

Today i'm tired, tired of this heartache, tired of this sadness, tired of tears, tired of the heaviness just plane old tired. My life has been filled with heartache for over a year now, i'm in dire (sorry about the spelling) need of some happiness, some good news something to let me smile for more than just a moment. So Lord tonight i am doing my best to cast my cares upon you, please catch them;o) I know only you can give me what i need.;o)

Loving My Angels

Sleep

Tonight sleep eludes me. I close my eyes hoping for sleep to come, but it doesn't.
I remember being in the room with my sister when my niece was born. I remember hearing her cry for the first time. Then i remember camron being born and how silent the room was except for my cries. I remember xavien and tristen. How i longed to heart their cries letting me know they were okay. But I didn't, just my own sobs. And now i can't close my eyes because the tears won't stop. The pain won't go away. This is a moment i wish would go away. I wish i could just be numb. I wish i could sleep. Next month is Camron's due date. Had I made it to Sept 9 he would be a year old next month. I think of my niece and all the things she does and then i think of what my cam would be doing right now. I think of how close they would be. I think of summers going to get my niece so she could hang out with her favorite cousin. I think of betting with my sister of who would be walking first, would their first words be the same. would they be like my sister and i calling our mom by her first name at some point. Then again i'm crying. crying for what could have been. For what isn't and for the things i wish were. it's moments like these that makes it so hard to stay encouraged.

I'm tired , so very tired, but sleep won't find me.

HSG

So today was the HSG. It went by quickly. I had no nerves about it really and that's thanks to Andrea and Nan;o) ((Love you Guys;o)) it was quick, i cramped but wasn't bad. The doctor was nice and explained everything to me before and while he was doing it. So now i'm just waiting on the report which my doctor should have monday. I'm gonna try and be patient and wait til tues before i call them, but knowing me i will probably call monday;o)

Gosh it feels good to make a step forward;o)

Loving My Angels

Spare Me;o/

Geesh! Sometimes i wonder are some people ( well when i say people at this moment i mean on person in particular) just slow in thinking or are they just really uncaring.
case and point
Today i posted something on my fb status about frustrations well later this evening i get a call from SIL#2 ( i have like 7 SIL's so i have to number them, and i've posted about this same one before so i guess i shouldn't be surprised about what happened) asking me if someone had done something to me. I told her no and that I was just frustrated with life for a moment. Well we got to talking about other things and she was telling me about her going to miami and in the conversation I was asking what if different things happened and she wasn't able to go. Well her response is "rain sleet or snow" "even if i'm pregnant" " N (her bf) said what if you're pregnant". I mean really! like i needed that part of the convo. But again I guess i shouldn't be suprised I've had to come here and vent about her before after I lost xavien. But I just don't get it. She's hinted around about thinking she's pg before but i chose to ignore it and i ignored it this time and steered the convo somewhere else and then got off the phone. But i guess that's just an example of the world thinking I should've moved on by now or the enemy rearing his ugly head and doing something to get on my nerves.

Either way ! I don't need either and they can just spare me with their crap!

I'm putting all my cares on the one above!

1Peter5:7
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

Loving My Angels

New Look

My blog has a new look thanks to Andrea who gifted me with a blog makeover from Franchesca who is very talented at what she does. (She is also a BLM some of you may know this already but just in case there is someone who doesn't) I so appreciate them both. Andrea for thinking of me and giving me this makeover and franchesca for taking time and making sure i was happy with what she did. I love it and I know my angels love it as well.

Lots of Love to you both.

Also while i'm here i'd figured i add something else. I decided to post this song. I think of it and i sing it at times when i am down. I hope you enjoy it as well





Here are the lyrics too b/c i just love them;o)



Even though your winds blow
I want you to know
You cause me no alarm
Cause I'm safe in his arms

Even though your rain falls
I can still make this call;
Let there be peace
Now I can say go away
I command you to move today
Because of faith, I have a brand new day
The sun will shine - and I will be okay
That's when I told the storm!

I told the storm to pass (oh yes I did)
Storm you can't last (oh oh, you've got to go away)
Go away - I command you to move today
Storm - when God speaks; (when God speaks, you don't have a choice in the matter)
Storm - you've got to cease
That's what I told storm!

Wind stop blowing!
Flood stop flowing!
Lightning stop flashing!
Breakers stop dashing!
Darkness go away!
Clouds move away!
That's what I told the storm!

Death can't shake me!
Job can't make me!
Bills can't break me!
You can't drown me!
Cause my Gods surrounds me!
That's what I told the storm!

Loving my Angels

please stop by and show love to http://whilewerewaitinginfla.blogspot.com and lend her a little support as she is on the ttc journey. ;o)

Awesome God

I apologize that this may be a lengthy post, but i so often post my heart aches I have to post the good things too. I have to give God his glory.

Yesterday (aug 6) and today have been good days for me. I might could even say great. I smiled and i was happy. I am so full with the wonderment (hope that's how you spell it, geesh i hope it's a real word, but anywho) of what God is doing for me i don't know where to begin. Let's see, let me start with Friday. I texts from my Fab girls which always puts a smile on my face and brings me comfort. My day started with noon prayer at my church (which i so desperately needed). It was awesome. I got to cry out before God from my heart. Yes i can do this at home, which at times I do. But it wasn't just about me, it was about the needs of others, and for a reason i can't explain it felt good. It was just a nice release. You all were in my heart, I may not have been ablel to name names but I know God heard me and i know that he knew too;o)

That night kicked off our annual women's conference. The speaker was awesome. Just awesome! God really used her. She acknowledged the fact that not all babies get to go home with there families. That sometimes they don' t make it and how we often wonder why. Then and there i knew that word was for me. But sometimes God doesn't give us the why. His thinking is above our own. But we are appointed for purpose we have purpose. There are lessons in the suffering. (not just this situation but other situations that she talked about as well) One of them she touched on is patience. She talked about Hannah praying to God for a son. She talked about how Hannah told God that she would give the child back to him. Can you see how AWESOME God is! He heard my cries. He spoke to me. She also asked, what are we willing to give up. She talked about how we want everything instantly and on our time instead of waiting on God!
She then went on talking about other hardships and sufferings in our lives. She told her story of being raped by a family member, of wanting to take her own life. But God! He saved her. and though it took time. He healed her. I wish i could type the whole story because it is an amazin one. But the moral of her talk was that, to be healed from past hurts, to forgive others for wrongs done, to get you through, to bring you comfort, there is but one name to call on and that name is JESUS! Yes that one name is so powerful, able to do all.

I just loved it, because she touched on a lot of things that i had been thinking and feeling. In that moment i learned to just listen to God. I learned that i don't need that validation that i sometimes look for to make sure it's God, because i already know. His word is good enough, more than good enough really.

It was even more amazing because in attendance that night was a pg woman who looked to be just a month or two of where i should be now and normally i would have fallen to pieces and left out crying before the service even began. But i didn't . I was able to focus on God. Think on his promises and i made it through. and it felt good.

Last night I knew that i am on my way to healing. I claimed my healing. I know that it will still hurt at times but I am getting there and that felt good. I also thought of many of you. especially Angie ( one of our Fab 5) I know that she is hurting so much now, but I know that it's gonna get better for her. I know that God is with her. Angie know that you are prayed for.



Then this morning we had our second day of the conference. It was awesome. One speaker touched on something that stuck with me.

She said that there is a difference between a hurt and a wound. A hurt is like a scrape or cut. we can put a bandaid on it and just wait for it to hea. But a wouldn is deep. It takes time and care to heal. You have to tend to it daily. Clean it out and dress it.

It made me think of this community of BLM's. We often speak of being hurt and heartbroken, but we are more than that. We are wounded and it's gonna take time for us to heal. So to heck with the time that the world thinks we should be " Over it" . and we will never be over it, but we can get through and we can live and we can hope. The only one that matters in telling us that time is God and when that time comes he will do it. and of course there is but one cure and his name is Jesus.

2Sam22:7 In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried to my God: and he did hear my voice out of his temple, and my cry did enter into his ears.

Psalm116:1
I love the LORD, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications.

Loving my Angels