Thursday, September 16, 2010

I Wish

I wish i could post something happy. I wish i could post all the wonderful things in my life. Because though it's shadowed by grief, there are still good things, wonderful things, in my life. Unfortunately, the sadness seems to overshadow the good. And i wish that i could just focus on the good, i wish that i could keep trudging ahead with no problems. But as of late, I can't. I'm all over the place. I feel like a crazy person. Eventhough I know and feel without a doubt that good things are coming, I cannot shake this heaviness of grief. I want to smile and be happy (more than just for a moment), I want a little bit more of the old me, just a tiny bit more. But of course most of the old me is gone.

Emotionally I have been all over the place for the past week and a half, I feel like a crazy person. I have so so so much hope but yet I still cry. I can say that some of the crying has been out of happiness for others (which i'm glad about) but the most part it's from being sad, or hurt or frustrated, At the smallest things. and i do mean small. case and point: the other day i was getting ready for church and upon heading out the door i couldn't find my medicine that i needed to take and only after a few seconds of not remembering where i put it , i bust into tears and I'm not even sure why I was so frustrated. and of course when i found them they were right in my face. I think it is time that along with finding a peri that i find a therapist as well.

On the peri front, thanks to the Help of my Fab4 we have narrowed the search down to a few doctors. so now i am just doing my best to be patient and see where the road takes me.

Loveing My Angels


Angie H said...

dear sweet friend , I wish I had those magical words to bring back your old self and my old self too ; ) ...
I feel much like you , Im also very sensitive and the smallest thing that doesnt go my way makes me want to cry - I have a similar story like you - I couldnt find our camera the other day and was looking for it with no luck in the house and it made me want to cry but then I found it in the car whereI had forgotten it ...
I already see a therapist but thats no instant remedy either , you need patience with therapy too I have discovered .
I too wish I could be truly happy for a long time again , I can still feel happiness but most of the day I feel neutral or sad even if I can get distracted when talking to friends or family .I hope it will change with time .

Know that you are SO STRONG and I ADMIRE YOU for your decision to take steps forward , I know how much energy it takes to make the smallest move forward , and you are doing it , you are looking for the best peri in your area and thats great !
You could equally decide that you are giving up and do nothing , just stay at home staring ar the ceiling ...but you dont do that , you do have the fighting spirit to keep moving .
I do admire you for that and Im trying to do the same even if Im hurting still .
I so much hope we will " win the medal " soon ; ) . im so happy I have so wonderful people walking this path with me .
Sending you love and prayers - Angie

I try to focus on taking small steps

Andrea said...

I "wish" too...

All the heartbreak and pain catches up to us after a while and we have to allow ourselves that time to ride in the wake of grief. You have done a beautiful job of holding yourself together honey. I feel for you on so many levels. My "wish" is that Robert comes home very soon, as I can not even begin to imagine how you've done this on your own. I know your family is wonderful, but sometimes we just need our husbands.

As for a therapist, I would encourage you to seek one. Perhaps your current peri's office would give you some names. Also, the hospital resource center should have some names of therapist who would be a good fit for you. Nan actualy found my "Dr. Nancy" for me through my RE's web site. Maybe there is an RE close to you that might have a recommendation as well. Just as we've tackled finding another peri, we will again help you to find a therapist who can help to guide your emotions.

It's okay to cry sweet friend...our tears have healing power, even though it hurts so deeply. When you are blue, please pick up your phone and call or text one of us. We are here for you, even if there is nothing we can do, we can listen.

You are GREATLY LOVED honey....let us share this burden.

Much Love

ps you just say the word on the therapist and we will find someone to show you some extra "love and compassion" and help you to deal with all these thoughts in that sweet head of yours :)


DeniFay said...

Sweet Grace, I am praying for you. I know the hole that you are in, that place where things look dark and bleak, even though you want them not to. I understand and wish I were there to hug you! I know you're going to find the best doctor for you, as we are all pulling for you, praying about it, researching and standing right behind you! Cry when you need to, I've done the same thing of losing something and just breaking down like a loon, it's ok!! Keep coming to us with your feelings and know that you're so very loved!!!!

Prayers and love and hugs continuing for my sweet friend!

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