Wednesday, April 17, 2013


I remember there was a time when I couldn't look at a baby bump without breaking down into a blubbering mess, I couldn't look at a new born, I couldn't even here the word baby or pregnancy without wanting to crawl into a hole and be alone forever.

And though I am over those feelings ( mostly ) since having my rainbow after the storm, there then comes a different feeling. Yes there are feelings of thankfulness and gratefulness but those aren't the ones I'm talking about.

I'm talking about being out in public and wondering who's heart you're ripping out.  How holding your little one may be making the woman next to you want to crawl into a hole. I'm not saying that I'm not glad I am where I am, it's just that many lights have been turned on.  That just like the women that were in their own world enjoying their blessing didn't know how it made me feel, I am now in that world. And since then there are times when I'm out and I look around and I wonder " hmmmm, is she a part of my world or is/was she in a blissful ignorance?" Does she have a whole other story that I know nothing about? Even with friends or people that I know of that have had a loss/es I try to be sensitive, I try not to parade my joy around for fear of hurting them because I don't want to cause a pain that I know so well. This path is such a delicate one and it sometimes leaves you spinning. And again I am not saying I am at all ashamed of the blessing God has given me at all. I love him and my angels with all my heart. 

These are just thoughts really that I needed to get out, to look at, to see if they make sense. ( I'm hoping they do, but not too sure yet, lol)

I am just amazed sometimes at how a life event can open your eyes. No the people that I pass everyday may not be dealing with loss, but I wonder if they are dealing with something. Have they dealt with something.

Throughout these past few years I have met many different types of people and I find myself wondering what makes them tick. I believe it's true that everyone has a story, it's just that some may be a little rougher than others. 

But I guess I will quit babbling and end here........

Loving my 4

Sunday, April 14, 2013


Wow! 4 years and it's still unreal at times. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and other times it doesn't.  Especially those days I try to remember a certain detail and I cant. And it breaks my heart. How could I forget, what kind of mother am I to him for forgetting. I mean remembering is the only way I have to parent him. I don't dream of that night anymore, It doesn't break me down like it used to. The hurt of it all is still here but it's not as bad. I can breathe and I can move and I can live.

  I was at work Friday and I looked on the wall of birthdays and there was a kid who was born the day after Camron's due date. I stood for a minute and thought wow, if my baby boy would have made it he would have been getting ready to turn four.  But instead I am hear celebrating 4yrs in heaven. Celebrating my love for him. Thinking about the life he could have, would have had. Talk about a twinge in your heart. But I take comfort in knowing that no matter what I will always love him and never stop missing him. He will always be my first born. My joy, my love and my hope. And I will forever be a mother of 4.

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN! Mommy misses you so very much. Just know that I am blowing kisses to heaven. 

Love you mommy