Friday, December 31, 2010

Goodbye 2010

Had this been 2009 this post would have had a much different title which would have read something like
"So Long 2009" or "Sayonara 2009"
But it is not. I am saying Goodbye to 2010, which is such a profoundly similar yet different year than 2009. Last year was a year of a little bit of hope but then new found heartbreak. My soul was shattered not once but twice. For a moment i thought I'd lost myself. But i said goodbye to that year with the hope of a much better time in 2010. And at first it started off better, i had a renewed since of hope, i was blessed once again to carry a beautiful little boy who we named Tristen. But yet a familiar thing happened, he wasn't meant to stay long. Again I was shattered, torn and heartbroken, but it wasn't the same as the last 2 times. Yes it hurt, no i didn't understand any of it, but! in all my despair and anguish buried deep down underneath it all, I still had hope. I may not have been sure whether i was coming of going for a moment but i still had hope. I've even gotten to know God on a deep level than I had before. I still have my faith and i still hold strong to hope. Yes 2010 was bittersweet, but i am thankful for the lessons that i have learned. I am confident in knowing that God has prepared me for greater in 2011. And yes I still may falter at times, But! I can say that i will trust in Him. I pray that 2011 holds many great things for all of my kindred spirits. and though we enter a new year i will

Forever Love My Angels
Wishing you all a beautiful peaceful New Year!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Tricked Myself

I think for a moment I'd tricked myself into thinking that if AF came next month then i'd be okay with that. But as the time nears i'm caught in between. Part of me wants to see a BFP asap and part of me is thinking that i should wait a bit. There's that word again, that word that i cannot stand but can't seem to avoid b/c of course in this new normal that seems to be one of the only sure choices i have is to........WAIT, not matter how long or short the wait is. But i am not sure if it is because some around me IRL think that i should wait or that i maybe once felt that I should. Any who, all i know now is that as it nears time for AF to appear I am more and more of a ball of mixed emotions. But i am thankful that God is my source. I know that whatever happens he is with me. I was reassured of it in sunday school as we studied these verses:

Isaiah 43
1But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. 2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall flame kindle upon thee. 3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee.

and yes he was talking to Egypt at the time, but to know that promises of God and to know that as he was there for them and with them that he is here for me and with me. So as I'm on this momentary dip of this ratchet rollercoaster that doesn't seem to want to let me off I will still hope in He who strengthens me and snuggle in the comfort of knowing that He is with me.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

All things are A-Go ;O)

My follow up on Thursday went great. Dr. G said the surgery went well. He was very happy with how things went. He said the only thing for him was that it took him longer a little longer because he had a hard time getting the knot tied, to which i then replied "but you got it tied right". to which he answered yes ;o) He also said that everything looked good and all that is left is for me to get pg and follow up with my doc:o) So basically all things are a-go !

Loving My Angels

Monday, December 13, 2010

Cherry on Top

Today I got a pleasant surprise from Annie over at cradlesand graves. She has given me the cherry on top award so I am now taking a moment (well more than a moment )to choose 5 to pass it on to. Thank you so much Annie ;o)

So here are my 5 ;O)

1. CGD over at adventures in infertility land.
2. Debby at for your tears
3. Jamie at forget me not oh lord
4. Trena over at free to fly
5. Andrea at life love and the pursuit of our fairytale
6. Deni over at foxy troxies

okay i know it's more than five but it's so hard to choose ;O) But of course i love you all ;o)

Loving My Angels

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Yesterday I arrived at the hospital 5min early, which is truly a feat for me. But i guess i have to say thanks to my SIL E who brought me, b/c had it just been me i probably would have been 5min after. I was then checked in and asked to fill out a little bit of paper work which didn't take long at all. And the best part of all, i didn't have to pay anything at all upfront. (woo hoo for hubby's insurance, lol) I was then sent up for pre-op where i had a lovely outfit waiting for me. a light purple hospital gown, white cap and purple footies ( the socks were actually cute). then a little more paper work and my SIL was allowed to come up while i talked with the nurses and met the anesthesiologist and then waited for Dr.G. Once he came he explained what would happen and what he would do. Once he left i was given some medicine to help me relax and then wheeled toward the operating room, but then had to be wheeled back for a second b/c they were waiting on something and that is the last thing i remember. LoL. When i woke up i was back in the room i had been in earlier wondering when they were gonna take me back for the procedure,. finally my SIL and friend from church came back up and let me know that I was done. Talk about clueless. I thought i was still waiting and I'd been done all along. It was 11 a.m and here i thought i had even had the surgery yet. I didn't get to talk to Dr. G but my SIL had talked to him and told her that the surgery went well. It only took 45min but that it only took that long because he was having a hard time getting in and tying they knot. But he assured her that he got it. She even said that he was more excited about it than us. She said he was telling her how he couldn't wait to do more. So i was then taken home around 1something. I returned a few calls and texts and mostly slept the the rest of the day. I was rather sore had a little bit of pain but taking alieve seems to help. He gave me a prescription for vicodin but i absolutely hate the way it makes me feel. I am feeling better today. I am still sore but not hurting like i was yesterday. I've been walking a bit around the house. I was told that would help a lot. I go in on Thursday for a followup with Dr. G and will have more details (from my view anyway) then. I want to thank you all for your prayers, e-mails, texts and calls. and i certainly want to thank and praise God b/c i couldn't have gone through it without him. I thank him for being in the operating room with me and guiding the doctors hands. He is truly an awesome God.

here are a couple of pics.

Incision sights (there are 4) (sorry if TMI) My TAC was done laproscopically rather than the traditional .

My socks ;o) (sorry didn't get a pic of the gown, but it wasn't as cute anyway)

Loving My Angels

Thursday, December 9, 2010

I thought I'd take a little time out to update what's been going on with me. I mean it's only the right thing to do seeing as how i want to remember this journey so I can look back during the brighter days and have a record of where God has brought me from. Well you all remember me posting about my consult (if not hit the link) with Dr. S. Well she did talk to her colleagues and I ended up meeting with one of them Nov 15. I call him Dr. G. It actually went well and I was glad that i met with him. He was very polite and showed much concern for me. First he came in and introduced himself, asked me a bit about my history. He then actually did a full exam. Then he came back in and we talked. He told me a bit (well a lot actually , lol about himself) then answered some questions i had before I even asked them. so here's the summary

He believes i am good candidate for the TAC (of course right ;O) )
He is a Ob/Gyn practicing for 31yrs but he is also the lead laproscopic surgeon for Baylor medical college (it's a hospital)
The only thing is I would be the first laproscopic TAC he has done.
That being said, in explaining to me , he seems to really know what he is doing.
He has done numerous TVC (trans vaginal cerclages)
He has also done many hysterectomy's laproscopically as well as many other surgeries.
He walked me through what he would do but also explained to me why other doctors like to do it the traditional way
The TAC will be placed around the top of my cervix and not through it (this it to prevent possible tearing of my cervix)
The operation is a in and out procedure with a 3day recovery.
once recovered if i wanted we could start trying right away.
He believes with the TAC i can make it to full term and should anything arise the earliest i would have to deliver is between 32 and 36wks, but he believes i should be able to make it to 39 to 40wks (he said 39 because i can opt to schedule my c-section at 39wks if i want)

All in all i trust that he knows what he is doing. I took yesterday and today to talk to hubby and think about it more and i still feel the same.

Dr. G told me that i could schedule the surgery as soon as i felt ready it's just up to me.

So with that being said and I know I've waited like a super long time to let it out (but i had to hold on to it for me, i just needed to wait)
After much thinking and talking and praying I went in for pre-op labs on Monday 12-6-2010 and i will be having my surgery tomorrow.

I will be updating on it more either tomorrow (depending on how i am feeling ) or Saturday.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Drifting Between

Drifting between hope and............hmmm what's the word............i'll just say finding it hard to hope sometimes. It seems some days, well some moments I am just filled with so much hope, I have so many thoughts and dreams about the futrure about the things to come, and then out of nowhere come the if's , what if's and will it happen's arrive. It all gets very very tiresome sometimes. I don't want the negative but it just sometimes get's sooooooooooo hard to hold on to the positive. I see and read so many stories of hope and evidence that it can happen, but it sometimes leaves thoughts of "will it happen for me" or "when will it happen for me". I truly truly hate feeling this way, but sometimes these feeling just come and it sucks because I truly truly believe that i will get my turn , i guess it's just the waiting that sucks and the thinking that comes along with the waiting, which most of the time starts out with hope but then comes the scaredness to hope b/c i think that sometimes deep down i feel if i expect the worst the good will be that much better. geesh who knows?

Philippians6-7 says
Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

This scripture i seem to cling to with my very being. I pray to God everyday, I thank him for all that i ask and yes he does bring me peace, but again sometimes the thoughts creep in and i'm back in the middle not only drifting between but sometimes stuck between. and i wish i had a better word for the opposite of hope that i'm feeling. I don't want to use fear, b/c that's not it, it's I guess just maybe a kind of uncertainty about what's next. I don't know. I can say that i have been taking steps forward in order to have that future that i so hope for and i will post about it soon, but for now i will end my rambling for today and do my best to push more toward hope.

Loving My Angels

Thursday, December 2, 2010

2 B's

The two B's. Baby talk and Baby showers. hmmmmmmmmm where to begin..........i guess i will start with baby talk. Sometimes i think that i've put on such a good face around others that they think that it doesn't bother me at all. Now i will admit that yes i can hear some for a certain amount of time, but it just seems like lately everyone wants to pull out pictures of babies or talk about the sheer adorableness of babies, and yes i like to hope and reminisce from time to time, but.... there are times that no i may not be in a place to handle it. And as i said, maybe i've just put on too good a face lately, and even i will admit that yes at times i've said aloud my hopes for the future and have even been able to point out cute things that i hope to purchase and maybe i've done such a good job at being optimistic that i've fooled even myself! ha! but perhaps i will never know. but enough of random ramblings on this subject on to the next B (ha ha almost seems like i'm cursing (he he) )

Baby Showers! Yes, I know that there are some of you out there with rainbows who struggle with the decision on when to have one or if you will even have one at all. Such a hard and scary decision. And even now i wonder to myself if i ever will, and then there's a part of me that know I definately will! it may not be until my 31 or 36th week, but should i get my rainbow i know deep down that yes I will have one. Then there's the other some of us who struggle with if we can handle going to a baby shower. I have been invited to a couple within november and i have sort of just brushed them to the back of my mind, but here it is december and they are fast approaching and they are back at the forefront, so the now question is what to do, what to say, how to decline. I've talked (well texted) to one friend and told her that maybe i could just help decorate and probably not stay for the shower or I'd bring my gift before it got started (hey shopping for a gift is a step in itself) and i am thankful that she understands and I guess i could say the same to the other friend hmmmmmmmmmmmmm we shall see. How do you deal with the 2 B's.

Loving My Angels

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

What's Yours Wednesday

When i was little McDonald's used to be my favorite fastfood place to eat. Nuggets and fries were my favorite, but when i got older ( probably like highschool) I fell in love with another place. Chic-fil-a! Yes it is absolutley my favorite fast food place to grab a bite. I remember when hubby and i were in the process of buying our house I had to go to the bank and have statements printed off and the banker was like "you really like chic-fil-a " . I ablsolutely love them. It's the only place that no matter what city i am in they are always quick, kind and courteous (except for on place, but that one is no longer open) . And i also respect the fact that they are closed on sundays and that no matter how many people are there the service is always quick! Not to mention their waffle fries are awesome. I could probably go on and on about them but i'm going to keep this post short. So now you know my favorite fastfood place, What's Yours?

Loving my Angels