Saturday, December 31, 2011

Reflections of 2011

Wow it's almost 2012.

But before we go into this new year I wanted to take a moment and reflect on this year. 2011 has been one of the most emotion packed years for me. I mean of course "09" and "10" were years of emotion but that was mostly heartbreak ,hurt and sorrow. But this year, this years was a range of emotion and lessons. I came into 2011 trying to figure out how to pick myself up from the hurt of losing my children. I longed for what I'd lost, and what I felt I needed, wanted and missed. I syked myself out a bit at times thinking I was okay. I can say that the excessive planning (monitoring and counting and such) ( and I say excessive because there were times I longed to be pg, but didn't obsess over it) slowed down a bit. But through this hurt I am thankful that I kept my faith. Yes I questioned it at times but through everything I haven't lost it. In a situation where many pull totally away, I held on. It was the support of many who have walked this road and my faith that got me through, that still gets me through. I celebrated angelversaries and by the middle of the year, something that I thought would never happen, happened.

I found healing. I learned to see the silver linning. I realized that though I didn't want them there, my babies were and are still in the safest place they can be. That I have to do all I can to live in a manner that will allow me to be with them again when that time comes. I began to get honest with myself and God. I wanted a baby a child created from the love between my husband and I, BUT if it was not in the will of God, in the time He has for me, then I will wait. Yes it will hurt and yes I will cry and still hope, but only what God blesses will last, so I told God I will wait for him. And I did. And he blessed me. Sept 5 2011, Labor Day, My aunts birthday, I found out that God had indeed blessed me again. This was one of the sweetest yet scariest moments of my life. But again I was thankful. There was worry, but my hope outweighed that worry. My trust in God overroad my fear. And hear I am going into 2012, 21wks along with a beautiful baby boy that I am totally in love with. I am at a place that I have never been before and for that I am thankful.

So as I say goodbye to 2012, I bless God for all he has taken me through. Eventhough I didn't want to go through it, even though I wouldn't choose it, I thank him and I give him glory for the person he has made me out to be. I thank him because I am restored, renewed and redeemed. And I am determined to continue to keep my hope, be thankful for my blessings and get ready to welcome one of the most precious gifts God can give into this world in May 2012.

2Cor 5:17
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creation: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new

Friday, December 30, 2011

A short ramble ;O)

It's been a few days so I figured I pop in. The past few days have been a lot better compared to how I was feeling monday. I still find myself a bit weepy at the smallest things whether it's happy or sad, but I guess that is all just hormones. Thank you Nan for allowing me to unload on you as it was a big big help also.

Today I am 21 weeks 4 days! Can you say GLORY to God! I am just so thankful to be at this point and so very excited about hitting 22 on Monday. Baby boy is growing and I've got the belly to prove it. But I probably won't post pics until tomorrow or monday. I can't believe how fast these weeks have gone by. At first I felt like they were dragging but now sitting and thinking about it and looking at my belly and his u/s pictures, it's just amazing. I'm feeling his kicks now and I just love it. when I tell others (IRL) that I can feel him they tell me " wait until he really starts poking and kicking, it's not gonna be so fun anymore" But I'm not sure I agree with that. I'm at a point in this pregnancy that I've never gotten to, I'm at a point that I've longed to be at, I've anticipated these flutters and kicks since I found out I was pg. So yes it may get a little uncomfortable as he gets stronger, but I will cherish every single movement I get from him. Especially on those days I need to know that he's okay. Which I must say he's gotten pretty good at. I'm just truly amazed and in love. So very thankful for this little miricle .

And though I'm so very happy for me, please know that I think of you still on this road of trying or adopting or IVF or what ever avenue that is being taken for your miricle and I pray that God strengthens , encourages and comforts you through this journey.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Emotions taking over ;O/

I know that yesterday was Christmas and that this should probably be a happy post, but as of this moment I'm just not in that place. I mean yesterday and the 4 days before were awesome and I truly mean that. I had family start coming in on Wednesday and I enjoyed it because I'd missed them so much. Church was amazing Sunday. I wasn't at all worried about gifts. It did me good to see my family smile and have a good time. I was really just thankful. Thankful for what the season is really about. The Savior's birth, because had he not been born, he wouldn't have died and rose again that I may live.

But today,

today is different. I guess it's just my emotions taking over. My family has returned home and I am here alone. ( I don't mention on my blog, but without going into detail the hubs is often away because of his job) and I don't know maybe it's hormones, (more than likely it is) because I cry at the drop of a dime over the simplest things. They haven't been gone a full 24 hours and I wish I could have went with them for a bit. Well I finally got over that after a long nap.

Well hubby calls and we talk and it's not even an argument just him telling me some things that need to be done and here I am a blubbering mess again. I promise it's not even anything to cry about, but here I am crying and I can't seem to stop. And then I cry because I'm upset that I can't stop crying, and I cry as I type this , because well, I don't want to cry.

I mean I have so much to be thankful for. Yes I've had trials and hard times and heart break, but I know that my life could be so much worse. I mean no I don't think there's anything worse than the loss of a child but I know that so much more could have come on top of that, but hasn't. I have food, I have shelter , I have clothes, and much more that I could name, but yet here I sit in a woe is me mood and it sucks. Though after I finish this post I will probably want to kick myself for even writing this ( which to me equals saying it or admitting it aloud in a way) but I also know that if I don't it will eat away at me and I'll cry even more.

I just hate when I let a wonderful time get overshadowed by what I'm feeling at the moment. ugh.......................................

But hey the tears are subsiding already so I guess my writing is doing the job. So to end on a brighter note I will say that through whatever I'm feeling I am thankful for the little flutters and kicks that baby boy is giving me letting me know he's there.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

And The Winner is !!!!!!!!!!!

First I must say wow! I so very enjoyed all the comments that I got and even got other great idea's on getting away. I wish I could get everyone something and my heart was truly torn on picking a winner so I did what I have seen many do when choosing. I went to random dot org. I tried to get the picture of the results to put on here but I can't seem to figure it out.

So without any more babbling for me the winner was #4 which happened to be Karen over at . Congratulations! Please email me your mailing info to

oneshandrea04 at gmail dot com. I look forward to hearing from you soon so that I can get it in the mail for you. I really hope you enjoy it!

once again thank you all so much I pray that the holiday's are easy on your hearts ! HUGS ;O)

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Day 19 Give Away !

So it's day 19! My day for the giveaway! Let me first thank Tina over at Living without Sofia and Ellie for allowing me to participate in this years giveaways.

I must say ever since this began I have thought about what I wanted to do and had so many Ideas running through my head. I popped on to other participants pages to see what they were doing to maybe help me decide which only added to the thoughts that I had because some have been very different. So then I sat and thought and thought and thought then worried that what I wanted to do wouldn't really be something somebody wanted or would like or that it was too simple. So then I thought some more and some more and realized that it's gonna be good because it's from my heart. So here goes :

As mommies to angels we often get so caught up in our grief (rightly so) and missing what we once had that we often forget to be good to ourselves. We hurt at moments so badly that we wish we could get away "Just for a moment". Not to forget our children but just a moment away from the hurt and from the pain. And even months , days or even years later we find ourselves caught up in a dip on this roller coaster that is a life with loss. Sometimes we just want and need to get away from that reality. For me I like to get away with a good book . I like to set a nice atmosphere, candles, something to drink or snack on and as I said a good book . So In thinking of this I decided to put together a small getaway package:

Because sometimes you don't wanna get out of your pj's it's a comfy robe, candle and wine glass. I figured hey you might as well be comfortable as you get away right ?

There's also a wine glass that I thought was just too cute. The name of the glass is "Shopaholic Too" and of course we all know that sometimes you just gotta shop to get away. And there is also a scented candle with the wording "Enjoy Life's Little Pleasures" which I believe this journey has taught many of us to do.

On the bottom of the glass is a recipe for a drink. Whoever gets this just let me know how it tastes if you try it ;O)

So in order to win all you have to do is be a baby loss mom and leave a comment telling me what you like to do to get away and also leave the title of a book you'd love to get away with because I will get that and add it to your package also :O) I will close out this give away on Midnight Dec 20th and announce the winner Dec 21st. Also please leave a link to your blog so that I may come and visit!

Friday, December 16, 2011

Gonna focus on the good

I had an appointment with Dr. V (my ob) all was well. My son is not shy at all. As soon as she put the probe to my belly he was spread eagle on the screen. He also loves to shake his but whenever we go in to see her ( I love it!) She said that he is looking good. His heartbeat is good, he's got enough room in inside ( I asked if he had enough room cause he sometimes looks tight in there) but I guess I should have known that when he was spread eagle today. My bp and weight are both good so all is good and I'm thankful.

Then she read to me the report she received from my MFM. All there was great as well, my cervix is long and closed, 4.4 to be exact . But she also said the my placenta is laying low that it is sitting on my cervix, which of course made me nervous. and for a moment that's all that I could focus on, and I was kind of upset at myself for it. She also told me that as my uterus grows that it will move up but she wanted to let me know as it can sometimes cause bleeding. So I guess in that sense I am glad she told me because I'm sure I'd really freak out if I did see blood and had no idea where it came from.
But again just the thought shook me for a moment, but thankfully sweet friends helped me to focus on the positive and know that everything will be okay. And it helped oh so much. I realized I am at a place I've never been, in a position I've never been. My cervix is still long AND closed and my baby is healthy. God has brought me this far so there's no way he can't bring me even further. He has not left me nor forsaken me and I will continue to lean on his promises.

I love this little boy so much and envision myself meeting him when that day comes, and I know that his brothers and sisters are watching and loving him from above.

It's amazing sometimes how no matter how much good we have around we tend to focus on the one minute thing instead of remembering the good.

Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoices; and with my song will I praise him.

Monday, December 12, 2011


Can we say WOW! I am at a place I haven't been before. I am 19weeks! and Everything is still looking good! The last time I was here in pregnancy I was goodbye as soon as I said hello. But today I am still here, we are still here (me and my bun that is ;O) ) and I'm not gonna say as pg as I've ever been because I'm hoping and praying that this will not be the farthest I get. I will make it all the way! 40wks here I come.

I'm one week from being at the half way mark, and to most , well to the average no problem pregnant people that may seem like a world away, but for me it's a milestone, a stepping stone should I say. I know that these times are hard for many too. The holidays are when we seem to miss our angels the most. I still sit and wonder what would my angels be doing had they been here and though I am ecstatic about this baby, I still miss my other babies. I suppose that's something that will never change.

I am also amazed at how different this pregnancy is from the other 3 ( which I guess is good considering how those turned out). and I don't mean just having the TAC, but also the way my body has changed (some of these changes suck), like I have body acne, yeah so not sexy I know but, well let me not say body acne, let me say chest acne, like between but above my boobs, not a lot but enough to notice (oh and sorry if that was TMI) but speaking of boobs ;O) I have some, at this point and time I'm a full C and for most i'm sure that's nothing but when you've had a B cup that sometimes looks like an A cup all your life, hey this is a nice change. I hope to maybe get a lil bigger before my lil guy is born and hopefully I can keep some afterward ? hmmmmmmm I guess time will tell on that one, but enough of the boob talk (hee hee). With the TAC I also feel a lot more. I feel the stretching and pulling and what not which can make one quite nervous, but my docs still say that things look good and baby is fine, so I guess I'm just gonna have to get used to it. Oh and my belly button that started as an innie , which turned into a flatty is now on it's way to being an outtie. My sister says It looks like I have one giant boob where my stomach should be. (lol)

So in honor of these glorious 19wks I figured I'd put up a few pics of me and the belly to celebrate. YaY !

Thursday, December 8, 2011

An Awesome Thursday!

Today has started off and continued to be a wonderful day. And it's not even that many things have happened through out today. I had a great appointment with my MFM and I'm still reeling (sp?) with joy over that.

It started with the Tech taking a lot of pics of my precious baby boy, and giving them all to me on a cd ! (Score one for me!) After that came the internal u/s (oh the joy ;O% ) to look at my cervix. after that she sent in her report and once she left in came................. a doctor I didn't know and once he got to talking I didn't like very much. He came in looked at my pics and asked why was I here. I told him b/c I'm a high risk pregnancy. He then looked at the pics the tech took again and then asked me "why are you high risk" so I gave him the quick version of my story and after that he had the nerve to ask me "if this doesn't work, then what are we supposed to do" I looked at him and almost wanted to cuss him (and I don't even curse) I told him I don't know you're the doctor you tell me. Just as I was about to ask him where the heck is doctor S he said something that calmed me down. He said " Well looking at these pictures you have the most normal cervix I have ever seen, it's long and closed"......... And as I thought to go off on him, I realized what he said and just smiled and thought to myself thank God. And to make things better as he was walking out Dr. S was walking in. She explained to me that he is the head of their department and she didn't even know he was in here. She also made my day even better by telling me that My cervix looks great. Yes great , not good not well not okay but great! She also said it is long and closed and that she will see me in two weeks! This has just made my day!

I am so happy and so joyous and so thankful that God has allowed thing to go so well.

Here I am 18wks3 days, the point and time that things went down hill for me with Camron, Xavien and Tristen. But here we are EIGHTEEN WEEKS THREE DAYS and things are lovely. I've been good handling this week. I notice that I found myself running to the bathroom at every sensation I felt hoping and praying that I didn't see anything bad. And I haven't. I have been and continue to be so hopeful with this pregnancy. I am just so in love already and I don't even know when that happened. I thought that I was guarding my heart somewhat but today I realized that I am totally amazed by , in awe of and totally in love with this baby. I have so many hopes and dreams and wants for him and I love it. I'd like to say that I've thrown caution to the wind but I cannot say that because again I have my moments. But as of now in this moment I am over the moon with joy.

And it makes it even better because hubby has come around to talking about names. And this in and of itself is a big deal. There was a point he felt that even thinking about names would jinx this blessing, but here we are not only talking about names but as of today have really narrowed down on our choices.

Here are some pictures of our beautiful blessing :

Today is just wonderful and I look forward to many more to come! You can't tell me that the God I serve is not an awesome God!

Friday, December 2, 2011

Time Flies

We often hear or use the expression " Time Flies when you're having fun"

But I've learned over the past 2 and a half almost 3 years that this statement is not always true. In 2009 when I first experience the loss of a child. Time still flew. I mean yes I was still in greif, stuck there hurt broken and reliving many painful moments. But time still moved on. I mean here I was myself stuck in a moment, but time still sped by. The comfort I got from others in the beginning was gone after only weeks. It seemed as people forgot or just chose not to acknowledge what had happend and In that misery before even completely getting over or through that, It happened again and again I was frozen in my pain, but.....time still moved on. I couldn't truly feel as if time had slowed because there was so much around me changing, so many people moving on, many giving me advice I wasn't ready to hear or probably didn't even want to hear because they felt I had been in a place long enough.

And here I am again, at a moment in life that I am feeling so hopeful and thinking will time still continue to fly, will it go even faster now that I'm having fun, or will it just this once slow down and let me enjoy this ride? Will I enjoy this ride? Can I enjoy this ride?

Or should I hope that time continues to move at this speed? I mean after all I will be 18 weeks monday and though I'm very hopeful and believe that I will get to bring this sweet boy home alive and healthy and in my arms , there is part of me that wants this coming week to speed by. There is part of me that is ready to to get to 24wks already, there is part of me that wants to get to 30 weeks already, but the truth is, time goes at it's own pace, the pace that God has set forth and no matter what I say or do the time will move as it will. I just have to do my best to make the best of the time I have, to enjoy it , to hold to my peace , my hope and my faith.

And though time doesn't stand still I can hold on to the memories that are dear to me and the lessons I've learned.

Phil 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

25 Days of Giveaways !

I am so excited to be participating in the 25 Days of Giveaways event this year. It is going on it's third year but this is my first time joining in the fun and I am beyond excited. I have yet to figure out what I will give away on my day, but I am sure it will come to me. So if you don't stop by my blog any other day make sure you stop by December 19th cause that is my day !

But for Day 1 which is today, make sure you stop over at Tina's blog over @
Livingwithoutsophiaandellie and enter to win the beautiful knecklace from her etsy shop she has made and to also find out tomorrow where the next giveaway will be!