Saturday, December 31, 2011

Reflections of 2011

Wow it's almost 2012.

But before we go into this new year I wanted to take a moment and reflect on this year. 2011 has been one of the most emotion packed years for me. I mean of course "09" and "10" were years of emotion but that was mostly heartbreak ,hurt and sorrow. But this year, this years was a range of emotion and lessons. I came into 2011 trying to figure out how to pick myself up from the hurt of losing my children. I longed for what I'd lost, and what I felt I needed, wanted and missed. I syked myself out a bit at times thinking I was okay. I can say that the excessive planning (monitoring and counting and such) ( and I say excessive because there were times I longed to be pg, but didn't obsess over it) slowed down a bit. But through this hurt I am thankful that I kept my faith. Yes I questioned it at times but through everything I haven't lost it. In a situation where many pull totally away, I held on. It was the support of many who have walked this road and my faith that got me through, that still gets me through. I celebrated angelversaries and by the middle of the year, something that I thought would never happen, happened.

I found healing. I learned to see the silver linning. I realized that though I didn't want them there, my babies were and are still in the safest place they can be. That I have to do all I can to live in a manner that will allow me to be with them again when that time comes. I began to get honest with myself and God. I wanted a baby a child created from the love between my husband and I, BUT if it was not in the will of God, in the time He has for me, then I will wait. Yes it will hurt and yes I will cry and still hope, but only what God blesses will last, so I told God I will wait for him. And I did. And he blessed me. Sept 5 2011, Labor Day, My aunts birthday, I found out that God had indeed blessed me again. This was one of the sweetest yet scariest moments of my life. But again I was thankful. There was worry, but my hope outweighed that worry. My trust in God overroad my fear. And hear I am going into 2012, 21wks along with a beautiful baby boy that I am totally in love with. I am at a place that I have never been before and for that I am thankful.

So as I say goodbye to 2012, I bless God for all he has taken me through. Eventhough I didn't want to go through it, even though I wouldn't choose it, I thank him and I give him glory for the person he has made me out to be. I thank him because I am restored, renewed and redeemed. And I am determined to continue to keep my hope, be thankful for my blessings and get ready to welcome one of the most precious gifts God can give into this world in May 2012.

2Cor 5:17
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creation: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new


Andrea said...

Such a real and honest reflective post. Wishing you all the VERY BEST that life has to offer in 2012. I continue to admire your tenacity and continued FAITH and can not wait to meet your precious "miracle" baby.

Continued Blessings

Debby@Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) May God continue to work in your life and bless you each day.

Angie H said...

Dear Shandrea !

I am so happy to read that you have now passed 21 weeks , I keep thinking about your little baby and praying for you.You so much deserve to have this little miracle baby in your arms ,in about 16 weeks when you will be 37 w pregnant and considered full time .
I admire your strong faith , I wish I had a faith like yours .
Enjoy the special time that pregnancy is ( for me it was hard sometimes as I let fear take over many times ) Its so great to see that your have such a strong faith to guide you .
I believe God will reward you .
Love Angie

Dawn said...

Happy New Year!! Whenever I see a post from you, I can't help but smile. Your faith & positive attitude are such a bright light in this relatively dark world of TTC & loss. I pray God continues to bless you as you move forward in this pregnancy. You deserve every bit of happiness. I am reminded of your courage & faith whenever I tend to get discouraged or sad. God Bless.

Holly said...

I just want to shout an amen!

Andrea said...

<3 !!! Thinking of you!

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