Wednesday, January 27, 2010


This may seem silly but had to post it anyway because it's just been bothering me. I can't go to IHOP, this used to be my most absolute favorite place to eat not matter what time of day, now it's just the reminder of the loss of my xavien. A reminder of a perfect day that ended in tragedy. It was Nov.25 my mom drove to my house a couple of days before and i rode back to my hometown with her and my sister. That morning my sister had a doc. appointment ( she was around 31 wks pg mayber farther) that morning, so after my mom, she and i, met up with my grandmother and her friend at IHOP, my order got kind of mixed up but when they finally got it right it was the best meal i'd had there in a long time, the pancakes were great, so fluffy and buttery, ( it's amazing how one can remember things as simple as the taste of pancakes) , the wheather was wonderful, the sun shining and even a little breeze. Afterwards i rode with my mom on a couple of errands that she had then we went to my grandmothers to play cards, well it was down hill from there, i went to the restroom and of course i saw blood, my mother took me to the ER, i was admitted and of course nothing but bad news, like with camron my babies feet were already protruding and there was nothing that could be done, i was already 4cm dialated so of course all i could do was wait to have my beautiful baby girl. I was admitted to L&D and spent the night there, i gave birth to my sweet angel Nov.26 2009. I held her in my arms and was amazed at how much she looked like her dad ( camron looked more like me) it was so ironic. So now everytime i pass a IHOP i am reminded of that day, everytime someone mentions that place or i see a commercial i think of that day. My favorite place is no more, it's just a reminder of the last perfect moments i had with my angel.

Is that silly?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Small Treasures

Small Treasures with such great meaning

Andrea Thank you for my angels wings.

Thank you Deni for giving me hope

Thank You debbie

Tiny Footprints

Camron's Box and Bear ( xavien's coming soon)

Friday, January 15, 2010

A Down moment

I'm having a down moment. I miss my babies. I am still thankful for the good they have brought me but i still miss them. My camron would be 4 months today but instead i am counting out the nine months that he has been gone from my arms. I would be 25 wks with xavien but instead i am somewhat solmn when thinking of her april due date coming soon. I miss my babiess..........Lord help me believe

Thursday, January 14, 2010

9 Months away from my camron

Today marks nine months that my camron has gone on to what i know is a better place. For a long time i thought that with me was the only and the best place that he could be. But i have to come to realize what better place could he be than with god, a place that we all hope to be . Yes i at times i still wish that i was holding him in my arms, but instead of my arms he's in the arms of god and surrounded by angels. So as i sit thinking of the ninemonths that my sweet angel has been gone i thank god for this peace that he has given me to know that camron is fine safe, looking down upon me and patiently waiting until the day that will hold him again. I thank god for the precious moments he allowed me to spend with him and i know that he taking wonderful care of his sister.

Today i will do something that i haven't been able to do. I'm going to open his memory box, i'm going to think on all the wonderful things that camron brought me.

My camron has shown me what the love of a mother is. He has shown me how to love deeper, He has shown me that even though sometimes i felt alone, god has always been there, and for those things i am forever grateful.


Monday, January 11, 2010

Hope Deferred

This morning i was reading my bible and i came across proverbs 13:12 which says
Hope deferred maketh the heart sick:but when a desire cometh, it is a tree of life.
For what reason i don't know but for a moment i couldn't look at anything else, i just kept reading it over and over again, it spoke strongly to me, it's meaning was on the tip of my tongue but i wasn't quite sure if it was telling me what i think it's telling me. So i looked it up online as well, and i was right. I didn't even read the the whole thing that i found but stopped as soon as i knew i was right. This short verse gave me such joy. My hands are shaking as i type this right now.
It says a hope deferred. All of hopes are were and are still to have earthly children. So this tells me that our hopes and dreams aren't over, they are not gone or withered away, they are only deferred. That it doesn't mean they won't come true but they are simply not at the time we desire, and yes this has made us sick with doubt , hurt, anger, sadness and even depression, but this is only temporary. Because it is only a hope deferred i know that yes i am going to be all these things at some point, even after writting this and being so happy right now , i could still have a down day, BUT! i know it's only temporary, i know to keep going because this is only temporaray and that if i keep hope and keep faith that i am going to get my hearts desire, i will be blessed and as the passage states, when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. When we do finally get to that finish line and hold and earthly baby in our arms it will be the most wonderful experience. In this i am renewed. No matter what anyone says, i know that my dream will come so i challenge you to find hope in this as i did, no matter what it looks like now, just know in your heart that your latter will be greater than your past.
Mathew 7:7-8
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you:
for everyone that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
God shall bless us, and though we may wonder if it will ever have just know that it will but in his time not ours.