Thursday, October 14, 2010


Tonight as I sat and got ready to watch one of my favorite shows "Greys Anatomy" I began to get a little weary b/c the previews showed derek and merideth visiting a doctor to talk about fertility. and i noticed that i i'm weary of this about any shows that have anything to do with fertiltity or babies. But then i as i began to watch, i began to think and wonder how many others are there out there that have a hard time watching this show? Not b/c they are BLM's but because they are dealing with an issue that someone else has. This is a show about a hospital (well the people in it) and until now it didn't hit me that eventhough this is a tv show they are dealing with real issues. Eventhough some situations in the show are far fetched, the reality is that somewhere someone is dealing with some of these issues. Heck i'm sure that some of the storylines are taken from headlines. So I wander how many sit in tears as they watch b/c they or someone they know has the exact same issue as a patient on the show, or turns to another channel when a certain scene comes up or tourture themselves b/c they think they've moved on and are strong enough to watch it again. Or how many can't even watch this or other shows at all. I wonder do other situations affect others in this way? if they affect others in this way?

I remember being so happy when discovery health announce that they were having baby week. That all week long they would be showing nothing but baby show's. I was pg with Tristen at the time and though I still miss Camron and Xavien but i thought "I could get through it b/c it would be something that Tristen and I could share" but a week before it was to start, I lost tristen and again i found myself not being able to watch many of the show's i loved before i even thought about having children.

Oh how i miss birth day, and baby story and bringing home baby, and make room for baby, and i didn't know i was pregnant. Shows that I loved long before loss, shows that i still love but can't watch;o(
But I still have hope that i will some day bring home my own beautiful rainbow, i will hope that i will oneday have the strength to watch them again.

and whada'ya know there was only one scene talking about fertility. hmmmmmmm

Loving My Angels

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I thought i'd take from brie's monday post . Though i don't watch all the jersey show's i figured it would still be fun to do so like brie i went here and became a jersey girl for a few minutes

Gorgeous I know right ;o) LoL

I hope it made you laug. it certainly made me laugh ;o) Happy Tuesday all ;O)

Loving My Angels

Monday, October 11, 2010


So today i went for my consult with Dr. S. ( the MFM doctor that i found and was able to fit me in sooner than the other one i had found.) I am very happy that i went. The appointment went very well. I got a bit upset because i left my questions in the car (and i had to park waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay away from the actual building that i had to go into) but it was okay b/c she ended up answering most of the questions anyway.
1. She said that she wouldn't do a cerclage before hand b/c it would increase the risk of infection (seeing as how we don't know when i would actually become pg)
2.She said she believes that i can have a successful pregnancy with a cerclage. (she would do a shidokar stitch instead of a mcdonald. not much difference it's just that one is placed a little higher than the other and it takes just a little longer to do)
3.I would be monitored at least every other week/two weeks. If during any of those checkups my stitch has shortened or it looks as if the stitch has loosened , she would go in and put another stitch/rescue stitch. (She believes in my case that the stitch had loosened enough to allow the baby to come through. of course she can't say for sure b/c she was not my doctor at the time)
4. She also feels that i don't need the TAC. She only does those in cases where there is no cervix to work with. (she strongly feels that i can have a successful pregnancy with a vaginal cerclage, close monitoring and some bedrest.
She has had successful cases of previous m/c /failed cerclage and then a successful pregnancy so that gives me hope.
I'm sure that there are things that i'm leaving out but just can't recall right now but what i have if the most important stuff. I'm just happy that i can breathe a little better knowing that i have some hope. I think i might even dare to dream again.;O)
Thank you Lord for some good news;O)
Loving My Angels

Friday, October 8, 2010

Made my Day ;O)

I don't know where to begin except to say that God is good. He surrounds me with those that i need when i need them. and though IRL there arent many, but just enough. Today I got to have lunch with one of the most sweet, real, loving and sincere people i have met since losing my babies. Today I got to have lunch with Katy's aunt. She first messaged me on facebook and let me know that she follows my blog and that she prays for me (she even sent me a message praying for me), she checks in on me and then last week we talked about having lunch but we both had a pretty full week so we decided on this friday to do it. I am so happy that i was able to meet her. It was the best time that i have had in a while. A time where i felt like it was okay to bring up being in the hospital, knowing that i could talk to her about my babies and not ruin her day. It was lovely. I truly have no words to describe my lunch with her. If you were looking from the outside you would never have thought today was my first day meeting her. She has such a big heart. To finally sit and be able to talk to someone who simply gets it, was so refreshing. I don't even have the words to describe it, but i did know that i had to take time out and just thank God for putting her in my life and Crystal I thank you for becoming a part of my life.

Loving My Angels

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

What's Your's Wednesday!

So while i'm having an up moment, I decided to take a break from the normal gloom that seemed to be looming about in my blogs lately and do something different. ( i've realized that i can still talk about my angels , but also talking about other things makes this blog no less dedicated to them. I will still love them no matter what i talk about) And came up with What's your's wednesdays. I figured it's a way to get to know my beautiful ladies out in the blogosphere and let you know a little bit about me. I probably won't do it every wednesday, it will more likely be the wednesdays that it strikes me. So today we will start with movies. My husband and I are big movie buffs (sp?) and we have a large collection. Sometimes we get a certain movie b/c we have part 1 so we have to have the sequals to make the collection complete (even if we don't watch the sequal) lol. Sometimes we get movies and only watch it that one time. and out of all the movies we have I tend to watch the same few over and over again. My all time favorite movies are Dirty Dancing ( I fell in love with patrick swayze(R.I.P) the first time i saw it), Grease 1, School Daze , Chicago, Low Down Dirty Shame and FAME (the latest version not the original). So these are my favorite movies(a lot of favorites i know ;O) ). WHAT'S YOUR'S ;O)

Loving My Angels

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Wrapped up

Sometimes I feel like i'm just wrapped up in myself a little too much. and i truly don't mean to be at all. But it seems like (or at least feels like ) life has dumped a lot on me these days (this past year and a half) that it's hard for me to keep up. I feel bad when i've let a few days slide in between reading blogs and then i find out i've missed and important date, or that i have date marked but i'm so wrapped up in me and the things going on that i forget. It's like i'm giving back the love that i have recieved and it kinda sucks. I still pray for everyone, sometimes in general and sometimes specific, but i just get a little upset sometimes that I sometimes forget about doing the things that i want to do. I guess it just sucks sometimes. I dont' know . this evening is just a random thought that i had to get out of my head I guess.

I've been wanting to write lately but i've been so wrapped up in me it's hard b/c i'm in one of those moments (that i seem to have often lately) where i feel a certain way but yet i don't know what it is. I'm almost feeling a million things at once yet nothing at all . ( I know makes me sound a little crazy huh) but hey, that's the way i feel right now.

But again know that I am praying and that none of you are ever far from my heart or thoughts.

Cam, Xavien and Tristen, I miss you so much right now. I wish i had better words to describe what i'm feeling but all i can come up with is that i miss you and i love you, from the depths of my soul, the bottom of my heart, with my life I love you.