tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56009833460069721222024-03-14T01:18:32.615-07:00Loving my angelsShandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.comBlogger196125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-25173184594578044622014-05-11T21:55:00.002-07:002014-05-11T21:55:28.751-07:00Today<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So today is Mother's Day and my heart is in so many different places, missing the 3 little souls I wish were here with me, thanking God for the one that I have, and longing to have another earthly child to care for. I know a lot right. I'm once again a big ball of emotion and it's actually all just hit me minutes before I began this post. I know I should be grateful for what I have and trust me I am but my heart still longs for what's missing. I've been told left and right today Happy Mothers Day and it just feels weird. Jace is two and it still feels weird. I think partly b/c some ( most that are telling me) are telling me b/c I am a step mom and a mother to Jace. I think that people think once you have a actual living child in your arms that the hurt or the missing goes away. And well........ it doesn't. Days like this just magnify it. I have three babies that are no longer here with me, I have three babies that I parent in a different way. I have three babies that I can't show people pictures of all the cute things they are doing, I have three babies that I try not to talk about too much for fear of bringing others down or their lack of understanding. So I smile and I say thank you or same to you ( to other mothers) when I really just want to say please don't tell me. </span></em><br />
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<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And yes I am grateful Lord knows I am so grateful and thankful for what I do have yet my heart still misses what once was (even if only for a moment) and yearns for more.......</span></em><br />
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<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">So Today I say I pray that this day was gentle for others out there and that if there were tears I hope you got to smile as well.................</span></em><br />
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<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Kisses to the sky to all the babies gone too soon and Hugs to all the hurting hearts.........</span></em>Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-85659653603139998682014-04-01T20:43:00.003-07:002014-04-01T20:43:45.612-07:00So I thought<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Tonight I did something I probably shouldn't have. I read a post about loss......</em></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I thought I could handle it, I thought I would be okay, but here I sit in tears as I type, and for a second I thought why are you crying so hard.... and then I realized</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em> it's April his month....... </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>It will be five years since Camron has been gone and at this moment I feel empty. And yes I know I should be thankful for Jace and I am, more than anyone can fathom, but having him doesn't take away the memory of my first born. The first one to show me what instant love is. And I miss him. At this very moment I miss him so terribly much............................</em></span>Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-74592440128978604622014-02-06T20:49:00.002-08:002014-02-06T20:49:22.842-08:00Just Try<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So what do you do when your mind and heart are full of so many things and you need to get them out but the words don't come. As you sit full of emotion but no way to express them. No crying, no laughter, no sadness, no anger, no joy , no smiles and all of these things at once. You take advice of some loving people and you "just try". </em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>This is how I'm feeling tonight, this is how I've felt for the past couple of days. So many things I feel like are wrong in my life, but yet there are so many things right that I am most certainly thankful for. But then there are times like this when I don't know what to do with all of these emotions. Where I at times question my "choice" to be happy because I sometimes feel like I'm just pushing things that upset me down into a corner somewhere until its too much to hold. But that can't be, because it's not always like this. Today is just a rare day ( that sometimes happens to often) and I maybe wonder if it's a good thing, because maybe what I "feel " I want to express isn't what I need. Maybe I should ( well I know I should) take time out and just pray. Because like writing prayer gives me the release and sometimes (if I'm still long enough and listen ) <strong>He </strong>will answer back. And well for me there's nothing to compare to release and revelation and even as I write this now I know that the emotional me wants to be sad and throw myself a pity party when over these past few things I know and have seen that things could be worse, Over these past few days I've been encouraged by the strength of those that are going through their own personal struggles and issues and deep down I know that things could be worse. So I will sit and think on that and be thankful that they are not, I will sit and pray blessings over and for those who are struggling right now, I will pray for those who need comfort and I will thank <strong>Him</strong> that <strong>He </strong>hears me and will answer</em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I am thankful that <strong>He</strong> hears my heart, <strong>He</strong> hears my cries and that <strong>He</strong> even hears what I don't say out loud. And though this may seem like babbling I will end this post with a praise because My <strong>God</strong> is Awesome!</em></span> </div>
Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-80136448021867394912014-01-28T22:17:00.002-08:002014-01-28T22:17:36.090-08:00Lessons/Learning<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>The end of last year, well probably most of last year was a season of lessons for me, although I didn't learn until this year, there were still lessons. Some quite difficult to say the least. In it I learned a lot about myself, a lot about people and well a lot about life. I've learned ( even though I still have to catch myself at times) that I have a choice in my having joy. I can choose to be happy or I can choose to be sad. A simple choice....no but a choice never the less and well last year I did a lot of going off of how I felt at the very moment I was feeling it and well lets just say the choices I made on how to feel or think weren't the best. But new years eve I made up my mind that I would no longer be led by my emotions, but I would take time I would think and I would choose to be happy, think positive and or keep my joy. Even now there are times when that choice has been proven to be somewhat difficult and I may slip up every now and again but I have been on a great road of looking up.</em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I've also learned that I have to live for me. Well for God first then me. I've always been one that if I called you friend or family it really meant something to me. I value those relationships and hold them in high regard, and there have been times when the smallest thing has caused a person to throw me (i.e our friendship) aside over something that to me was not a big deal it's only happened maybe a handful of times but each time crushed me. Because friend or family when I love I love hard and I let nothing come between no change my feelings or deter me away from that relationship so when someone decides to toss me aside ( not literally but that's how feel) over a menial disagreement it hurts especially when I thought we were "better than that" so to speak. So I'm learning to not let people make or break me. Not saying that I will no longer love hard or care because that's just in me, but I will keep my head up keep moving and put my focus on those I know without a doubt are there for me. I will pour all of my love into my husband and son and others that will allow me to, but I refuse to allow myself to be broken anymore by man/woman.</em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>And lastly this is lesson I've learned time and time again but really just hit home today. Life is short. It really really is . This morning I found out a classmate of mines brother passed away this morning, I knew his brother I'd talked to his brother. He was only a couple of years ahead of us. Gone just like that. Someone you would think "He has his whole life ahead of him, he's young , he's got plenty of time" Gone within the blink of an eye. </em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I've been thinking for some days now about how Life is short and today really drove it home. I think about how we treat one another at times. How angry we can allow ourselves to get with one another, how we cut people off or out of our lives without realizing there's a bigger picture at hand. That it's easier to love to be kind to be genuine. To me it takes too much energy to be angry. Not only that I'm not promised tomorrow, I'm not promised the next minute or second and I don't want my last words to anyone to be unkind. But I want to love as God calls me to love. And so I will. I know that I may not succeed in these things everyday or every moment of everyday but I am making the conscious decision to do my best.</em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I think I am done with this rambling and if anybody is still out there reading I hope you choose the same. I hope you choose love, joy, laughter and kindness as well.......</em></span></div>
Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-21728207167838871552013-12-05T17:50:00.000-08:002013-12-05T17:50:25.077-08:00 Blue<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I want to say that I feel petty for what I'm about to write and it's just something i need to get out my mind and on to some paper, but that wouldn't be the truth. </i></span><br />
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<span style="color: #6fa8dc; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>The truth is I don't know if it's petty or not or if I'm just not seeing past my own wants. But I'm gonna write anyway so here goes..........</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><span style="color: #6fa8dc;">Hubby had to run an errand last night so I rode with him just to get in a little quality time which we don't get much of and on the ride i decided to bring up wanting another baby ( i know what a genius decision right). Well he didn't say no, but he said wait. And well at the moment that pretty much felt like he said no. His reasoning was to a degree valid ( he wants to catch up on a few things that we are behind on) but at the same time it's not like we are guaranteed to get pregnant as soon as we start trying. Heck we aren't even guaranteed to even bring home a baby should we even get pregnant. And it's taken me a long time to really come to terms with the </span><span style="color: #3d85c6;">second part. But of course his counter was that there's no guarantee that we won't get pregnant. To which i wanted to say duuuuuh that's the point in trying. I just I don't know. You would think with all we've been through he wouldn't see it as we might get pregnant too soon if we start tryi</span><span style="color: #0b5394;">ng now. I mean really......it took us a little over a whole freaking year to get pregnant the first time and well if you've read the blog you know how that turned out. Even though this time i am choosing to believe that things will go smoothly should we get blessed to conceive. </span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><span style="color: #0b5394;">And really I'm not sure that this is really what i meant to write about ( well the discussion of trying again anyway) Needless to say the rest of the trip was a bust. I couldn't think about anything else. I just sat quietly twiddling my thumbs and doing my best not to cry. it seems that lately ( the past few months) I can't focus at times I can't function at times. All I think about is when I was pregnant and being pregnant again and how I felt hold</span><span style="color: #073763;">ing jace for the first time and how i felt bringing him home.</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I cant look at a family photo or see a pregnancy announcement or belly or anything baby related without my heart strings being pulled. Yes I know that there are others out there that are wishing the same thing I'm wishing, that there are those that are struggling to conceive and I am sad for them as well. And I am happy for those that have buns in the oven and for those welcoming their bundles into the world.....</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #073763; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>But even with all that I still want to cry even thinking of the word baby or passing by the maternity section or the baby section for that matter.........</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><span style="color: #073763;">the sad sucky truth is my world remains blue.......but i will still silently sit and hope that one day my </span><span style="color: red;">ra</span><span style="color: orange;">in</span><span style="color: yellow;">bo</span><span style="color: #6aa84f;">w</span><span style="color: #073763;"> will appear again or at least two </span><span style="color: #ea9999;">pink lines</span><span style="color: #073763;"> :)</span></i></span>Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-88230707418320697332013-12-04T00:57:00.000-08:002013-12-04T00:57:20.553-08:00Jambalaya<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>So lets see......where to begin...... this month has been a month to say the least ( not really sure how to describe it) </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>But I can say i have been one <span style="color: #0b5394;">big GIA</span><span style="color: #a64d79;">NT bow</span><span style="color: #f1c232;">l of emo</span><span style="color: #cc0000;">tions</span> and there have been so many things on my mind but I just haven't had the time to write and so because of this I have named this post .....</i></span></div>
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<span style="color: #b45f06; font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>Jambalaya </i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>because it's going to be a mix of things that have been running through my mind probably seeming all over the place but still going together.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>So where shall I start....................................</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>still can't believe this year has made for years without two of my rainbows and 3 yrs without one. I still miss them dearly and xavien has really weighed in on my heart. I wasn't ready for the effect her day had on my. Then on Thanksgiving night I got sick and was stuck in bed for four days ( I know random, but i really really hate being sick) and to top it off Jace was sick as well. Sick mommy plus sick toddler equals a busy ( and probably sad, nerve wracked ) papa. But we managed and survived and we are both up and at'em once more.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Secondly ( if that's even a word) I've been thinking about changing the name of my blog ( if I can even figure out how to do it) But I've been going through a lot and not only that my life is changing and when I need to write about it I don't want to have to go to a whole other blog to do so. I mean just because I have a rainbow doesn't mean that the journey of loss stops. But there are things and happenings in between that i want to write about too and I mean the name just doesn't fit anymore.....</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Like the third thing i want to talk about ( and don't want to feel guilty for talking about it here) the fever has returned yet again it subsided for a while but it's rearing it's head once more and the fact that bellies and new babies are popping up around me almost daily it seems isn't helping much at all. And it's really putting me in a funk. I mean there are many I want to be happy for and congratulate but it seems as of late my heaviness hasn't allowed me to. I think it's also the reason Xavien's heaven date hit me so hard as well. (well that amongst other things) But I can't shake it and I'm sure my hubby is tired of hearing about it from me as well. I mean he's agreed to wanting another baby but hasn't really commented on the trying now. So what do i do wait and hope he'll come around soon, or badger him and then possibly have him thinking I only want to "dance" with him strictly for baby making when of course that wouldn't be true. But i don't want to put that kind of pressure on him. Oh what a tangled web I know. I'm getting dizzy just typing it. And I know things aren't easy for us right now, but they weren't easy with jace, or when we were expecting Tristen or Xavien or Camron but we managed and I think we would manage now. And I'm not trying to irresponsibly bring another baby ( should i be blessed to do so) into this world but I think its a good time and who knows how things will have changed by the time he or she makes their debut. I don't know I guess until the time comes this chic will continue to dream............</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I think I'm finally getting sleepy at 3a.m so I guess i will stop here and say good night or good morning</i></span> :)</div>
Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-25169832480047959902013-11-26T20:04:00.006-08:002013-11-26T20:04:52.614-08:004yrs ago today<div align="center">
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<strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">This was me</span></em></strong><br />
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<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Four Years Ago today.</strong></span></em> </div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Holding my tiny precious baby girl. </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Today is her day. The day I said hello and goodbye way too soon. A day forever etched in my heart. Today hit me a little harder than I expected. This month I've seen myself in the hospital the day I had her. But 4yrs ago last year the 26 actually fell on Thanksgiving. How ironic is that. The day I should have been celebrating and being thankful for the fact that I was blessed to carry her I was at the hospital praying she could stay with me a little longer. </span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And though she was my second baby born to heaven it's a day that still forever changed me even more than the first time. And yes today is her day but I think of her everyday. I picture and I wonder and wish...... that things could have been different.....</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">But tonight I sit and I write that I am indeed thankful. I am thankful that for a little while I got to call her mine. That I gave her a name. That she lived within me (even if only for a short time) and that she will forever be the second piece of me in heaven.</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">And even though these words can't truly describe a fraction of what I feel I will still simple end with them.......</span></em></div>
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<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Xavien Zaraih Bob I miss you and will FOREVER Love you and carry you with me. Happy 4yrs in heaven my angel.</span></em> </div>
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Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-13964461749740811692013-11-21T18:21:00.001-08:002013-11-21T18:21:40.981-08:00Her Month<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>So I finally have a moment to write with a somewhat clear head. This year has been a mix of emotions for me, with it seeming like sometimes more bad than good but yet (through the grace of God) I am still here, still surviving and still smiling...........</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>This year has gone by fairly fast and this month, her month has quietly snuck up on me......I don't know if it's because of me chasing around her little brother, or the baby fever ( that post to come later) or the other million things going on around me that it didn't hit me like a ton of bricks. But lately in the few quiet moments I've had it has dawned on me in 5 days it will be the day that I said hello and goodbye way to soon to my precious baby girl........ my how time has flown but yet when I see someone's daughter or even look at my nieces or even look at Jace, I wonder..... what would she have been like, who would she have looked like, would she be as stubborn as me, would she be a daddy's girl, would she be a girly girl and love Barbie dolls like I did?</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I think about that day, the loneliness the sadness and the pain....... I also think about the love I had then and the love I have now......How no one will or ever can replace her how no one will or ever can replace any of them..... and though this is deemed the month of Thanksgiving to me this will always be her month and I will always be thankful for her..... thankful that I got to hold her at all thankful that I got to feel her kicking in my belly, thankful that I got to call her mine even if only for a little while.......</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I Love you Xavien and this will forever be you Month!</em></span> Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-72100939816571063792013-10-15T22:33:00.005-07:002013-10-15T22:33:36.448-07:00A Day of Remembrance <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Well I'm posting just a little shy of October 15th. ( Just getting home from work) and I suppose I could have posted earlier today before work but well for whatever reason I write better at night. But this day is Known as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day" .</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Yesterday as I began to tag many ladies on my Facebook page in a post I really started to realize how many of us are missing little ones that should be here. I couldn't even tag every one and these are just the people that I've had some sort of contact with. This isn't counting the numerous people that are members in different support boards that I'm on or the many people walking this journey that I haven't met. But today we are together in spirit remembering our little ones and raising awareness that others will remember them too. In hopes that one day we don't have to be afraid to talk about the pieces of our hearts gone too soon. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I hope that today was not only a day of Remembering but I also hope that there was a little bit of love and peace as well.......</em></span> <br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong> CXT</strong></em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em> and <strong> All the Angel Babies</strong></em></span><br />
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Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-26246914926354381082013-10-10T17:45:00.004-07:002013-10-10T17:45:45.605-07:00Rollercoaster<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I remember when I first began this ride. I remember it being a series of dips, hills, drops, slow rises, steady track and this doing it all over again. Sometimes the falls and dips and drops felt like forever. Sometimes it felt like forever to make back to the top of the hill only for the straight track to only last a few seconds before plummeting back down again.</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Then I remember time going by and the drops didn't take me by surprise as much. I mean they still took my breath away but there were more times that I saw it coming and was able to brace myself. The straight tracks lasted minutes instead of mere seconds and I was able to hold on a lil longer during the ride. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>And now here I am 4yrs since Camron and Xavien, 3yrs since Tristen and a year and a half with my rainbow Jace. I can now see a drop before it comes. I can now brace myself and catch my breath. My straight tracks last a little longer and though I know this is a ride I will be on forever I can even smile. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>I remember there was a time I wished with all I had that I could just get off this ride and be done with it. I was tired of the hurt tired of the pain and at times just tired of being. But now I sit on this ride without resistance I hold on tight and I persevere. I sit in this seat In a row of so many other hurting hearts who have had to hop on without a choice. I cry for us, I smile for us, I remember for us and I hold on for us, for those who are just getting on and can't hold themselves I hold them, I hold there hands I pray. For those who have been on it before me or are at the place I am I hold their hands, embrace them pray with and for them I remember with them and I encourage them all while doing the same for myself. </em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>On this ride I miss my angels, I remember them I love them I honor them and I mother them........</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Forever loving my angels</em></span>Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-37889039585273314412013-08-22T15:22:00.000-07:002013-08-22T15:22:11.804-07:00Hello all, if there is still an all out there to speak to. I know that my blogging has been really shoddy as of late. So I ask if anyone wants to keep up with us or well Jace and how he's doing please feel free to follow us on instagram. <br />
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my name there is Mizz_B3013<br />
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I really hope to get back to writing soon even if it's not here. Writting is my therapy and there is definitely a lot swirling in this head of mine. <br />
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<br />Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-21535225615463427512013-07-03T20:54:00.003-07:002013-07-03T20:54:36.257-07:00Kisses to the Sky (3yrs and counting)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>Three years ago today I said hello and goodbye way to soon to my second baby boy who we named Tristen. I still remember being pregnant with you. I remember how scared I was of losing you, yet how much I wanted you and how I decided to step out on faith ( at least I thought I did) and believe you were coming home with me ( alive and breathing). I mean I did everything right this time. I pushed to have a cerclage done at 16 weeks I was on p17 and I wasn't doing much of anything if I could help it. I even got up the nerve to make a new blog to record our journey together not knowing that this too would be short lived. But yet again at 18wks+4 I found myself looking up at the ceiling of a hospital praying to God to let you stay with me. I remember calling nan and balling telling her it's happening again. trying to remain hopeful but I think in my heart I knew i'd be telling you goodbye. I remember her getting advice for me from her friend Joanne ( hope I spelled it right). You held on and I listened to your heart beat for a couple of days. until that sad day when the stitch designed to keep you inside and thriving failed me......... I remember being numb at first. Your heart beat two hours after you were born. And I believe you were waiting for me to wake up. So I could have that moment to tell you goodbye. I remember holding your tiny body wishing that this nightmare wasn't happening again. But it was and I found myself going through the motions once more. I'd like to say grieving yet again but it wasn't even that. It was just more grief piled on top of what I was already feeling...............</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>And here I am, celebrating your 3rd birthday in heaven wishing like always that you and your brother and your sister could be here running around with jace. Imagining what you'd look like, how you'd act, what you would teach him. Loving you and missing you.......</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>No matter the time that goes by you will never be forgotten......in my mind or in my heart. I love you sweet boy and know that I'm blowing kisses to the sky for you.</em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong>Love Mommy</strong></em></span><br />
<br />Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-16974487231159688072013-04-17T16:07:00.001-07:002013-04-17T16:07:44.512-07:00Stories<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I remember there was a time when I couldn't look at a baby bump without breaking down into a blubbering mess, I couldn't look at a new born, I couldn't even here the word baby or pregnancy without wanting to crawl into a hole and be alone forever.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And though I am over those feelings ( mostly ) since having my rainbow after the storm, there then comes a different feeling. Yes there are feelings of thankfulness and gratefulness but those aren't the ones I'm talking about.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I'm talking about being out in public and wondering who's heart you're ripping out. How holding your little one may be making the woman next to you want to crawl into a hole. I'm not saying that I'm not glad I am where I am, it's just that many lights have been turned on. That just like the women that were in their own world enjoying their blessing didn't know how it made me feel, I am now in that world. And since then there are times when I'm out and I look around and I wonder " hmmmm, is she a part of my world or is/was she in a blissful ignorance?" Does she have a whole other story that I know nothing about? Even with friends or people that I know of that have had a loss/es I try to be sensitive, I try not to parade my joy around for fear of hurting them because I don't want to cause a pain that I know so well. This path is such a delicate one and it sometimes leaves you spinning. And again I am not saying I am at all ashamed of the blessing God has given me at all. I love him and my angels with all my heart. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">These are just thoughts really that I needed to get out, to look at, to see if they make sense. ( I'm hoping they do, but not too sure yet, lol)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I am just amazed sometimes at how a life event can open your eyes. No the people that I pass everyday may not be dealing with loss, but I wonder if they are dealing with something. Have they dealt with something.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Throughout these past few years I have met many different types of people and I find myself wondering what makes them tick. I believe it's true that everyone has a story, it's just that some may be a little rougher than others. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">But I guess I will quit babbling and end here........</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Loving my 4 </span>Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-66980548330356910342013-04-14T18:03:00.001-07:002013-04-14T18:03:17.541-07:004<i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Wow! 4 years and it's still unreal at times. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and other times it doesn't. Especially those days I try to remember a certain detail and I cant. And it breaks my heart. How could I forget, what kind of mother am I to him for forgetting. I mean remembering is the only way I have to parent him. I don't dream of that night anymore, It doesn't break me down like it used to. The hurt of it all is still here but it's not as bad. I can breathe and I can move and I can live. </span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"> I was at work Friday and I looked on the wall of birthdays and there was a kid who was born the day after Camron's due date. I stood for a minute and thought wow, if my baby boy would have made it he would have been getting ready to turn four. But instead I am hear celebrating 4yrs in heaven. Celebrating my love for him. Thinking about the life he could have, would have had. Talk about a twinge in your heart. But I take comfort in knowing that no matter what I will always love him and never stop missing him. He will always be my first born. My joy, my love and my hope. And I will forever be a mother of 4.</span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN! Mommy misses you so very much. Just know that I am blowing kisses to heaven. </span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Love you mommy</span></i><br />
Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-40896055626998460762013-03-25T15:19:00.004-07:002013-03-25T15:19:31.624-07:00A day of a Different kind<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So one birthday has come and now a day of a different kind is fast approaching. Camron's 4th angelversary. Sometimes it feels like forever and other times (more often than not) it feels like it just happened yesterday. I don't have the dreams of that day as often as I used to and that's okay because it allows me to cry a lot less and just remember how much I loved/love him and to just think on the good things. </span></span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I miss him so much. I look at Jace and often wonder if he would have looked the same. I wonder if all of them would have looked like him or how much of a difference there would have been between them. But again I am thankful. I'm thankful for everything that he taught me. He is my first born, and my first love and that will never change. </span></span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Right now I am okay. I started counting down the day of Jace's birthday because ( what are the odds they are 1month apart) my first angel boy and my first earthly boy.</span></span></i><br />
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<i><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Loving my Angels & Rainbow</span></span></i>Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-5374313077360011852013-03-14T20:56:00.002-07:002013-03-14T20:56:49.115-07:00A RAINBOW BIRTHDAY !<br />
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It's sometimes hard to believe that I am here 1 year later celebrating an earthly birthday. I am so amazed and in awe of this little wonder that I have been blessed to parent here on earth. He is such an amazement to me. I don't think I've every hugged him as much as I have today. I've sung happy birthday a zillion times. He's walking, talking ( not actual words, well a few) and mocking everything he sees. And I sit and look at him in amazement. I still remember the day he was born, how scared I was, how hard I cried. I remember the days in the NICU hoping and praying that he would be okay. I remember the doctors telling me how good he was doing. And I remember the day we brought him home. He was so tiny. I could put both of my hands together and he'd fit right there. That is no longer so, I find myself having to actually hold him on my hip, it takes both of my arms wrapped around him to hold him securely and I love it. I wouldn't trade him for the world.<br />
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Yes he made an early arrival, but that's okay because yet and still he was right on time. He was and is the very thing I need. He is my joy, my light, and my love.<br />
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Who would have thought that ....... <span class="userContent">4 Pregnancies, 3 miscarriages, 2 surgeries would result in this
miracle born March 14th 2012 @ 9:22 p.m weighing 3lb 5.6oz. </span><br />
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<span class="userContent">Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.</span><br />
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<span class="userContent">HAPPY 1st BIRTHDAY TO MY TREE OF LIFE! I LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL BOY! </span><br />
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<span class="userContent"> </span> Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-81989252085810225312013-01-10T18:42:00.003-08:002013-01-10T18:42:52.096-08:00The Fever<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">The Fever.........Baby Fever that is</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">I've got it and it's taking me on quite a ride. At my 6wk pp check up my ob told me to wait at least 18 months before trying to conceive again in order to give my body proper time to heal. And since December all I could ( and still do) think about is that September will make 18months. All i can think about it giving jace a sibling here on earth to play with about my baby boy not being the only one. That how could I not want the joy of having and holding and loving another being that is a part of me. But with this hope comes questions. Can I really do it all over again, will i be able to handle to little ones so close in age. Then comes can I wait longer than 18 months ( if i want them farther apart). I mean it's killing me now ( at least it feels that way) to have to wait that long. And then comes the VERY REAL WORRY of M/C. The knowing that it is a possibility of knowing the hurt and the pain that i went through 3 times to many. That leaves me wondering am I, can I, will I . Risk it again.......... yes I have faith, and no I don't doubt the God that I serve. But it is a reality for me, I know the things that can go wrong and they are never far from my mind. Even with surgery J still came 8wks early and having a baby in the NICU is a very real and sometimes scary thing as well................</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">Even still feeling all of these things and knowing what i know, there is still something inside of me that says "how can you not try again". To know the joy of holding a living , breathing baby in your arms. To see the look in his yes when you stare at him to feel his skin against yours. How can you not............. </span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And not only that,...... I miss being pregnant. I mean for me the first 10 to 12 ( to 16) weeks are rather rough but even still I miss my growing belly, I miss feeling new sensations, not to mention I didn't get a lot of time ( being that he can at 32wks) to actually see moving across my belly. ( so i'm hoping that the next go round I will make it further). I miss that feeling of knowing I'm growing a little person inside of me. </span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">And as a bonus I miss being able to eat and not having felt greedy...... and I miss not having a cycle ( I know a little superficial, but it's still a plus) for nine whole months :)</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So I think to myself........... is it worth it?</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">and every time my answer is </span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">YES!!!!!!!!!!! IT MOST CERTAINLY IS</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;"><i><span style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;">So hears to hoping that 2013 brings another bundle my way </span></i></span><br />
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<br />Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-5319819492685064232013-01-04T21:22:00.000-08:002013-01-04T21:22:52.757-08:00Hello World ( Blog world that is)I know I know once again it's been a while since I have been on. But believe me it hasn't been on purpose. A lot has been going on , a lot of which i don't care to share, so I will move on to the good, well great. My big boy! It's hard to believe that in a few short months he will be one. It still amazes me how he is growing and the new things that he does each and every day. So tonight I will leave you with some pictures of my big boy. So many of you have prayed and cried and loved on me it's only right that you see the miracle that you've prayed so hard for.<br />
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Hope you enjoy ( if there is even anyone still following lol) and will try to post more. <br /><br />Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-83184788066647080872012-10-08T22:34:00.000-07:002012-10-08T22:34:12.449-07:00I know I know it's been a while since I've written anything and I wish I could say that this was gonna be a post about jace and how he's grown and all the wonderful things he's doing. But it's not. Tonight is about thinking that you aren't as affected by this journey as you once were, that sad as it is, you are a pro at this and you have it under control that you will handle things better than you did when it was fresh, and then out of nowhere it hits you and you're in pieces again like you were the first and or second time. Tonight as I held my rainbow in my arms a picture of me holding and saying goodbye to my second angel popped up in my head. Next month will make 3yrs in heaven and I miss her like it was only yesterday that held her and cried and told her goodbye.<br />
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I miss her, I wish she and all of them could be here with me. My heart is full and it's heavy and I don't know what to do at this moment except let the tears flow..............<br />
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I love and miss you Xavien so very much.Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-5193943933981661242012-07-03T16:12:00.000-07:002012-07-03T16:12:00.264-07:002yrs<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>If a stranger were to see me today holding this beautiful baby boy in my arms while he looks up at me with smiles and giggles they would have no idea that two years ago today was a very different story. Instead of warmth laughter and joy there were tears heartache and sorrow. Because after three days of trying to hold on my body finally failed me, let go and I had to say goodbye to my third angel. To years ago my baby boy Tristen was born into heaven. And today I miss him terribly. My heart is heavy as look at my youngest baby boy and wonder how much he would resemble you and your siblings in heaven. I sit sometimes and wish that I could have you all hear with me. Though you are far away you are yet so close because I will hold you in my heart forever. No matter who forgets I will remember that I have three boys and one daughter, and today Tristen I remember you and how I loved you when I first knew about you, how much more I loved you when I felt you move and how far in love grew when I first saw your tiny body and how I love you even the more as I think of you today. </i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Forever Loving my Angels</i></span></div>Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-74726703177996831592012-06-07T19:37:00.002-07:002012-06-07T19:37:32.266-07:00<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Wow! It has been a while since I posted and the last post wasn't a vey happy one. Well to say the least I have been busy. But I am loving it. Jace makes everyday worth it and I am so thankful to have him here in my arms living breathing and growing. I can't believe how time flies now. He is almost 3months and haas gone from 3lbs at birth to now weighing in at a little over 9lbs is just amazing to me. So I will just leave this post with a few pictures of my prince.</i></span><br />
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Minutes after being born</div>
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NICU days</div>
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Finally going home</div>
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First day home. Just getting in the house</div>
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Bath Time</div>
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Photo time with mommy</div>
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Loving him so much</div>
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<br />Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-38037251962042990652012-05-11T13:31:00.003-07:002012-05-11T13:31:21.137-07:00What do you do?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>What do you do when you thought the brunt of you grief was over. What do you do when it sneaks up on you once again in a way that you were never expecting, in a way you aren't' expecting. What do you do when for a moment you feel like you are back at the beginning of the very first day of your very first loss. What do you do when that feeling is brought to you by the one you never new was hurting in such a way. </i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>It's amazing ( in a crazy way) what loss and grief does to a person, a woman, but not just a woman, a wife, girlfriend, significant other, a mother of a baby born into heaven, but also a man, a husband, a father of a baby born into heaven. But not just these individual beings but a couple, a marriage.</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>I didn't understand the toll that it would take on us. I don't understand the toll it's taking on us.</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>My husband is hurting and now, just now, 3 years after our first loss I am finding out that it still affects him just as much today as the day it happened. I am still finding that I am hurting to much to be a great help in his healing. We are two people hurting from loss trying to figure out how to become one again.</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>I wish I could say that losing our babies have brought us closer together. And there was a time that I thought that it did, but today I feel as if we are two people sharing a common circumstance. And that hurts. We are no longer the people we used to be and it's hard trying to find our way back. To get some sense of the normality we used to have. The communication, the affection. Yes we have our rainbow but the road getting here was and is still hard. Situations were awkward, affection and conversation less. We were and somewhat are still, two people trying to navigate grief yet love and support what the other is going through , but yet too stuck in what we each need from the other to give to one another those needs. </i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>And it hurts. And it's hard and never in a million years would I have pictured myself here, at this moment in this place.</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>But I shouldn't be surprised, because grief I know all too well. It's a ride that I can't seem to get off of. I know how it works, I know the ups and downs, the highs and low's of it. But here I am again thrown for a loop in this never ending journey of knowing the greatest heartbreak ever.</i></span>Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-63099132668036764302012-04-28T13:55:00.002-07:002012-04-28T13:55:21.454-07:00This was supposed to be the week<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>I didn't think it would bother me this much. I really thought I'd be okay. But I'm not. This week should be a great week. My birthday is wednesday but it's also the day of my scheduled c-sec. I would be 39wks 2days and it was gonna be the perfect gift for me. Don't get me wrong he IS the PERFECT gift for me though he just came early. I know that Jace is my miracle. I look at the progress he made in the NICU I see how well he does here at home with me and there is no doubt in my mind that he is my miracle. I believe that he arrived on time. No it wasn't my time or the time I expected him to come, but I know he came on time.</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Even with knowing all of this there's still a little something that tugs at my heart when I think about the fact that he should still be resting up and gaining a little more weight, that my belly should be a little bigger than it was weeks ago, that i would be putting the last touches on his nursery. I know it may be weird but I miss waking up to his kicks. I think it's just the fact that this week I would have expected him to be coming, this week i could wrap my mind around the fact that i'd be holding him soon. But he made his debut earlier than expected. He caught us all by surprise.</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #0b5394; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>So though things didn't go as planned ( and of course i shouldn't be surprised, it's not like my life has ever gone the way I planned) and that's okay. So I'm gonna feel and I'm gonna cry and I'm gonna go and hold my sleeping rainbow and think of all the good things he has brought me, how much I love him and how I wouldn't have things any other way. Because it may not have been my time but he was on time.</i></span>Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-67041031049236787862012-04-27T14:45:00.000-07:002012-04-27T14:45:06.310-07:00NIAW<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>This week is National Infertility Awareness Week</i></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>And though I am not one who is affected directly by IF, I know many strong and brave women who are. Many live in a world where all you have to do is have sex to get pregnant. When in fact it's not that easy. Pregnancy and having a baby at the end of 9 months is a miracle. And even still many people think the solution to IF is simple cut and dry. IVF, IUI, or Adopt. When in fact it's not. NONE of these options guarantee a baby for one and for two none of these options are as simple as they seem. Your heart and mind have to be ready to consider any of these options. IF crushes a dream that we all have. To have a child of our own, the old fashioned way. And having that dream taken away hurts. Women that I know who's lives are affected by IF are some of the strongest, women I know. Just knowing the things they have to go through to achieve a dream that is not guaranteed to come true, but yet trudge forth. Of course they aren't all smiles and giggles everyday, but they are surviving. They are standing, they are putting the word out about IF they are speaking about it in hopes that their words help someone else. And today I want to do my part in spreading the word about IF. </i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>So I will end with a few facts about IF.</i></span><br />
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<li>Infertility is most often defined as the inability to achieve pregnancy following one year of unprotected sexual intercourse, or two or more miscarriages. </li>
<li>Approximately 6.1 million couples in the United States, or 10 percent of all couples of childbearing age, have difficulty conceiving. </li>
<li>One in six couples (17%) trying to get pregnant will experience some degree of infertility.</li>
<li>Infertility affects both men and women</li>
<li>10% of all couples experience unexplained infertility, when no specific cause can be identified in either partner.</li>
</ol>Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5600983346006972122.post-59051129817993034542012-04-23T12:47:00.001-07:002012-04-23T12:47:17.141-07:00Needing a little advice<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Hello blogosphere the little one is sleeping and I was planning to nap with him, but before I do I need a little help. I never realized there was so much to breast feeding and or pumping. I still have milk flowing, not much but that's my fault because I haven't been eating as i should. Sometimes I only eat once a day. But that is not the problem. My problem is my breast are beginning to look uneven ( so totally embarrassed to put this out there but i need help), well not look they are. Lefty makes more than Righty and I guess because of it Lefty is bigger. It's not noticeable outside of my clothes yet, ( at least to me it doesn't seem that way yet) but when I take off my clothes I can tell. And I don't want it to get to being noticeable on the outside. I've tried getting jace to feed on my right side first and longer than on the left. I've also tried pumping the right more than the left, but thus far nothing has helped and I don't want to stop bf, but I also don't want to be lop sided for the rest of my life either, so if anyone has any advice please send it my way. My boobs and I would greatly appreciate it ! </i></span>Shandreahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09940325534777199906noreply@blogger.com8