Friday, May 11, 2012

What do you do?

What do you do when you thought the brunt of you grief was over. What do you do when it sneaks up on  you once again in a way that you were never expecting, in a way you aren't' expecting. What do you do when for a moment you feel like you are back at the beginning of the very first day of your very first loss. What do you do when that feeling is brought to you by the one you never new was hurting in such a way. 

It's amazing ( in a crazy way) what loss and grief does to a person, a woman, but not just a woman, a wife, girlfriend, significant other,  a mother of a baby born into heaven, but also a man, a husband, a father of a baby born into heaven. But not just these individual beings but a couple, a marriage.

I didn't understand the toll that it would take on us. I don't understand the toll it's taking on us.
My husband is hurting and now, just now, 3 years after our first loss I am finding out that it still affects him just as much today as the day it happened. I am still finding that I am hurting to much to be a great help in his healing. We are two people hurting from loss trying to figure out how to become one again.

I wish I could say that losing our babies have brought us closer together. And there was a time that I thought that it did, but today I feel as if we are two people sharing a common circumstance. And that hurts. We are no longer the people we used to be and it's hard trying to find our way back. To get some sense of the normality we used to have. The communication, the affection. Yes we have our rainbow but the road getting here was and is still hard. Situations were awkward, affection and conversation less. We were and somewhat are still, two people trying to navigate grief yet love and support what the other is going through , but yet too stuck in what we each need from the other to give to one another those needs. 

And it hurts. And it's hard and never in a million years would I have pictured myself here, at this moment in this place.

But I shouldn't be surprised, because grief I know all too well. It's a ride that I can't seem to get off of. I know how it works, I know the ups and downs, the highs and low's of it. But here I am again thrown for a loop in this never ending journey of knowing the greatest heartbreak ever.