Friday, May 11, 2012

What do you do?

What do you do when you thought the brunt of you grief was over. What do you do when it sneaks up on  you once again in a way that you were never expecting, in a way you aren't' expecting. What do you do when for a moment you feel like you are back at the beginning of the very first day of your very first loss. What do you do when that feeling is brought to you by the one you never new was hurting in such a way. 

It's amazing ( in a crazy way) what loss and grief does to a person, a woman, but not just a woman, a wife, girlfriend, significant other,  a mother of a baby born into heaven, but also a man, a husband, a father of a baby born into heaven. But not just these individual beings but a couple, a marriage.

I didn't understand the toll that it would take on us. I don't understand the toll it's taking on us.
My husband is hurting and now, just now, 3 years after our first loss I am finding out that it still affects him just as much today as the day it happened. I am still finding that I am hurting to much to be a great help in his healing. We are two people hurting from loss trying to figure out how to become one again.

I wish I could say that losing our babies have brought us closer together. And there was a time that I thought that it did, but today I feel as if we are two people sharing a common circumstance. And that hurts. We are no longer the people we used to be and it's hard trying to find our way back. To get some sense of the normality we used to have. The communication, the affection. Yes we have our rainbow but the road getting here was and is still hard. Situations were awkward, affection and conversation less. We were and somewhat are still, two people trying to navigate grief yet love and support what the other is going through , but yet too stuck in what we each need from the other to give to one another those needs. 

And it hurts. And it's hard and never in a million years would I have pictured myself here, at this moment in this place.

But I shouldn't be surprised, because grief I know all too well. It's a ride that I can't seem to get off of. I know how it works, I know the ups and downs, the highs and low's of it. But here I am again thrown for a loop in this never ending journey of knowing the greatest heartbreak ever.


Debby@Just Breathe said...

I have not been where you have walked so what I am going to say will be what I'm feeling after reading this. You are in new territory. You have a precious baby who needs you. You have a precious baby who exhausts you. It is very easy (even though it was never easy per say) to go through life with the extreme pain of loss. You learned to live a new normal. The new normal that all baby loss parents have to learn. Now you have your dream, the dream you expected years ago but didn't get to live. You can't just jump in and let go of the past grief. You may even feel guilty because of the joy so your very confused. You may be feeling stressed over all of this. Moving forward, loving your new life is not dishonoring your other children in heaven. You have to blend all of it now, it's a new normal to learn. Give yourself time but most importantly you guys have to talk. Men have a hard time adjusting to someone new in the house, someone who takes attention away from them. One day at a time. ((HUGS))

Dawn said...

Shandrea, I have not been through nearly the pain & loss you have suffered, but my marriage did suffer greatly as a result of our losses. We were in a place I never would have imagined we would be. After each loss we grew further & further apart. Then when we had our third loss, even after having our precious Addy, things came to a head. We realized our marriage was failing & we needed help fast! We started off by reading "The Ministry of Marriage" by Jim Binney. This book is pretty amazing & was a blessing to us. It took real dedication to force ourselves to read it after Addy went to sleep each night. We also searched for a Christian counselor. We ended up doing an 8 wk marriage counseling course. None of it was easy but our marriage is growing stronger each day. Our counseling is over but we are still reading the book. I just want you to know you are not alone. I pray you & your hubby are able to find a way to cope as a couple as well as individuals with different feelings. You are both so incredibly strong & I will be praying for you.

Nan & Mike said...

Just checkin in. Cant help but notice your pregnancy ticker has 17 days to go...I am so thankful that you have Jace in your arms, and always sending love to the sky. Love always, Nan xoxoxo

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