Saturday, April 28, 2012

This was supposed to be the week

I didn't think it would bother me this much. I really thought I'd be okay. But I'm not. This week should be a great week. My birthday is wednesday but it's also the day of my scheduled c-sec. I would be 39wks 2days and it was gonna be the perfect gift for me. Don't get me wrong he IS the PERFECT gift for me though he just came early. I know that Jace is my miracle. I look at the progress he made in the NICU I see how well he does here at home with me and there is no doubt in my mind that he is my miracle. I believe that he arrived on time. No it wasn't my time or the time I expected him to come, but I know he came on time.

Even with knowing all of this there's still a little something that tugs at my heart when I think about the fact that he should still be resting up and gaining a little more weight, that my belly should be a little bigger than it was weeks ago, that i would be putting the last touches on his nursery. I know it may be weird but I miss waking up to his kicks. I think it's just the fact that this week I would have expected him to be coming, this week i could wrap my mind around the fact that i'd be holding him soon. But he made his debut earlier than expected. He caught us all by surprise.

So though things didn't go as planned ( and of course i shouldn't be surprised, it's not like my life has ever gone the way I planned) and that's okay. So I'm gonna feel and I'm gonna cry and I'm gonna go and hold my sleeping rainbow and think of all the good things he has brought me, how much I love him and how I wouldn't have things any other way. Because it may not have been my time but he was on time.


Brie said...

I understand the feeling you're having..he came on his time, and he is a miracle from God. I know you wanted an uneventful pregnancy, so I would think that the feelings you're having are probably shared by many who have had preemies. You've travelled a tough road, with many u-turns...this one had a detour, but you still got to the end of your rainbow, and for that, i am so so happy and praise God for allowing you to have a baby to hold and nurture here on Earth.

Lori said...

Absolutely can understand. You feel whatever you feel. It's perfectly ok and normal.

So glad he's happy and healthy with you! <3 <3 <3

Debby@Just Breathe said...

The best part is that he is here for you to love!((HUGS)) May not be the plan you expected but it's the plan that worked.

Nan & Mike said...

Big hugs sweet girl...its all such mixed you xoxoxo

Deni said...

Totally mixed emotions! Completely understandable and absolutely ok!!! Sending you love and asking you to smooch that sweet rainbow once for me!!! So very thankful that he is here, he is healthy, and his mommy and daddy can savor every second with him!!!!

Angie H said...

oh Shandrea !
I wished and prayed so much that he would grow in your belly until w 39.
I have prayed for him to be safe and healthy and keep growing growing growing .
I am so happy he is ok .
I imagine I would feel similar to you if I was in your situation : every mother wants the best for her child and you wanted him to stay as long as possible in your belly -safe .
I keep praying for you and little Jace .
Love from Angie and baby Simon

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