Saturday, April 21, 2012

What's in a word

A lot. There's a lot in a word. Yes some words are simple and straight to the point, but there are other words that have a lot more to them. Especially walking this road. And well this has been on my mind for a while and well something always comes up and I have to push it to the side and well now it keeps ringing in my mind and I need to get this out.

Miscarriage. A word that is so very heavy in meaning, but many people don't truly understand what that word means. And in a way how can you be surprised when even the medical field classifies it as an abortion (which I hate) because to me that word has a whole other meaning ( and please no offense meant to those that have had to have one, but it just not the same to me). 

I guess this is coming from the fact that when I tell people that I've had miscarriages many think of it as just losing a mass of tissue that could have or eventually would have been a baby, when in fact it's much more. People don't realize that 1. no matter how early the loss, it was a baby, it was wanted it was hoped for and it was loved from the very point of conception. I remember a while back a woman asked me if i had any children and I told her I'd had a m/c. She then preceded with saying " so you don't have any children". I wanted to hit her upside the head and say yes, yes I have a child. No he did not survive but yes I have a child.

A m/c is more than just as some say, passing tissue. No it's a baby. It's not easy to sit at home and wait for you baby to pass, looking at each clot wondering if that's your baby or what part, or is that all or how much more do you have to endure. It's not easy to labor and to push out a baby only to hear silence or just the sound of your tears when your baby should be crying. It's not easy making it nine months only to have to birth out a baby who's heart is no longer beating, or to have to hold your child as you wait for his or her heart to stop beating. 

It is not just a m/c ! It's the loss of a life. A very wanted life, a needed life a loved life. It's not easy and it's not simple.

It's hard. It's heart wrenching, heart shattering, and faith altering. It's more than just a word!

Loving my Angels <3


Melissa said...

I can relate to this so much as today I remember my second loss, my son Chase who I lost at 10 weeks. Barely anyone who remembered Mikayla's birthday last year even knows what today is, much less how to acknowledge it. It is sad that so many view miscarriage as less than a loss, it's just heartbreaking. Thanks for posting this.

Nan & Mike said...

Hello sunshine. Thanks for writing this, as the more we write about our feelings and how things hurt and crush us, the more awareness we get out there to the world. At any stage, child loss is awful and heartbreaking, and I wish it were not even possible in this world we live in. Not sure if I ever shared this with you, but when I was raw in grief and was searching the internet for answers, I was so lost and not sure where I should go. Even though there are separate support groups for specific "technical" child loss terms, I didnt know where I fit, as my world first started shattering when the babies were 19 weeks 6 days (technically miscarriage), and they died on 20 week 0 days (technically infant loss). Still, my partial repressed mind knows that somewhere on my paperwork says something about abortion, and that KILLS me and I wish I had been able to fight harder to this day. I guess my point being, I was glad in a way I didnt know where I fit in, cause I wouldnt have met you or the sweet fab 5 or our other friends on our supportive little forum, and I wouldnt have started blogging and finding other forums which gave me such a broad range of understanding that child loss is a child lost, no matter what, and rocks us all to the core...and I hope someday all people will understand that. I love you xoxoxo Nan

Deni said...

Amen sister! Well said, and ever so needed!!! Those were my babies, at 9 weeks and 8weeks 5 days. I will never forget them, never forget how I felt knowing I would be having a baby or how I felt knowing they were no longer alive!

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