Saturday, December 31, 2011

Reflections of 2011

Wow it's almost 2012.

But before we go into this new year I wanted to take a moment and reflect on this year. 2011 has been one of the most emotion packed years for me. I mean of course "09" and "10" were years of emotion but that was mostly heartbreak ,hurt and sorrow. But this year, this years was a range of emotion and lessons. I came into 2011 trying to figure out how to pick myself up from the hurt of losing my children. I longed for what I'd lost, and what I felt I needed, wanted and missed. I syked myself out a bit at times thinking I was okay. I can say that the excessive planning (monitoring and counting and such) ( and I say excessive because there were times I longed to be pg, but didn't obsess over it) slowed down a bit. But through this hurt I am thankful that I kept my faith. Yes I questioned it at times but through everything I haven't lost it. In a situation where many pull totally away, I held on. It was the support of many who have walked this road and my faith that got me through, that still gets me through. I celebrated angelversaries and by the middle of the year, something that I thought would never happen, happened.

I found healing. I learned to see the silver linning. I realized that though I didn't want them there, my babies were and are still in the safest place they can be. That I have to do all I can to live in a manner that will allow me to be with them again when that time comes. I began to get honest with myself and God. I wanted a baby a child created from the love between my husband and I, BUT if it was not in the will of God, in the time He has for me, then I will wait. Yes it will hurt and yes I will cry and still hope, but only what God blesses will last, so I told God I will wait for him. And I did. And he blessed me. Sept 5 2011, Labor Day, My aunts birthday, I found out that God had indeed blessed me again. This was one of the sweetest yet scariest moments of my life. But again I was thankful. There was worry, but my hope outweighed that worry. My trust in God overroad my fear. And hear I am going into 2012, 21wks along with a beautiful baby boy that I am totally in love with. I am at a place that I have never been before and for that I am thankful.

So as I say goodbye to 2012, I bless God for all he has taken me through. Eventhough I didn't want to go through it, even though I wouldn't choose it, I thank him and I give him glory for the person he has made me out to be. I thank him because I am restored, renewed and redeemed. And I am determined to continue to keep my hope, be thankful for my blessings and get ready to welcome one of the most precious gifts God can give into this world in May 2012.

2Cor 5:17
Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creation: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new

Friday, December 30, 2011

A short ramble ;O)

It's been a few days so I figured I pop in. The past few days have been a lot better compared to how I was feeling monday. I still find myself a bit weepy at the smallest things whether it's happy or sad, but I guess that is all just hormones. Thank you Nan for allowing me to unload on you as it was a big big help also.

Today I am 21 weeks 4 days! Can you say GLORY to God! I am just so thankful to be at this point and so very excited about hitting 22 on Monday. Baby boy is growing and I've got the belly to prove it. But I probably won't post pics until tomorrow or monday. I can't believe how fast these weeks have gone by. At first I felt like they were dragging but now sitting and thinking about it and looking at my belly and his u/s pictures, it's just amazing. I'm feeling his kicks now and I just love it. when I tell others (IRL) that I can feel him they tell me " wait until he really starts poking and kicking, it's not gonna be so fun anymore" But I'm not sure I agree with that. I'm at a point in this pregnancy that I've never gotten to, I'm at a point that I've longed to be at, I've anticipated these flutters and kicks since I found out I was pg. So yes it may get a little uncomfortable as he gets stronger, but I will cherish every single movement I get from him. Especially on those days I need to know that he's okay. Which I must say he's gotten pretty good at. I'm just truly amazed and in love. So very thankful for this little miricle .

And though I'm so very happy for me, please know that I think of you still on this road of trying or adopting or IVF or what ever avenue that is being taken for your miricle and I pray that God strengthens , encourages and comforts you through this journey.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Emotions taking over ;O/

I know that yesterday was Christmas and that this should probably be a happy post, but as of this moment I'm just not in that place. I mean yesterday and the 4 days before were awesome and I truly mean that. I had family start coming in on Wednesday and I enjoyed it because I'd missed them so much. Church was amazing Sunday. I wasn't at all worried about gifts. It did me good to see my family smile and have a good time. I was really just thankful. Thankful for what the season is really about. The Savior's birth, because had he not been born, he wouldn't have died and rose again that I may live.

But today,

today is different. I guess it's just my emotions taking over. My family has returned home and I am here alone. ( I don't mention on my blog, but without going into detail the hubs is often away because of his job) and I don't know maybe it's hormones, (more than likely it is) because I cry at the drop of a dime over the simplest things. They haven't been gone a full 24 hours and I wish I could have went with them for a bit. Well I finally got over that after a long nap.

Well hubby calls and we talk and it's not even an argument just him telling me some things that need to be done and here I am a blubbering mess again. I promise it's not even anything to cry about, but here I am crying and I can't seem to stop. And then I cry because I'm upset that I can't stop crying, and I cry as I type this , because well, I don't want to cry.

I mean I have so much to be thankful for. Yes I've had trials and hard times and heart break, but I know that my life could be so much worse. I mean no I don't think there's anything worse than the loss of a child but I know that so much more could have come on top of that, but hasn't. I have food, I have shelter , I have clothes, and much more that I could name, but yet here I sit in a woe is me mood and it sucks. Though after I finish this post I will probably want to kick myself for even writing this ( which to me equals saying it or admitting it aloud in a way) but I also know that if I don't it will eat away at me and I'll cry even more.

I just hate when I let a wonderful time get overshadowed by what I'm feeling at the moment. ugh.......................................

But hey the tears are subsiding already so I guess my writing is doing the job. So to end on a brighter note I will say that through whatever I'm feeling I am thankful for the little flutters and kicks that baby boy is giving me letting me know he's there.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

And The Winner is !!!!!!!!!!!

First I must say wow! I so very enjoyed all the comments that I got and even got other great idea's on getting away. I wish I could get everyone something and my heart was truly torn on picking a winner so I did what I have seen many do when choosing. I went to random dot org. I tried to get the picture of the results to put on here but I can't seem to figure it out.

So without any more babbling for me the winner was #4 which happened to be Karen over at . Congratulations! Please email me your mailing info to

oneshandrea04 at gmail dot com. I look forward to hearing from you soon so that I can get it in the mail for you. I really hope you enjoy it!

once again thank you all so much I pray that the holiday's are easy on your hearts ! HUGS ;O)

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Day 19 Give Away !

So it's day 19! My day for the giveaway! Let me first thank Tina over at Living without Sofia and Ellie for allowing me to participate in this years giveaways.

I must say ever since this began I have thought about what I wanted to do and had so many Ideas running through my head. I popped on to other participants pages to see what they were doing to maybe help me decide which only added to the thoughts that I had because some have been very different. So then I sat and thought and thought and thought then worried that what I wanted to do wouldn't really be something somebody wanted or would like or that it was too simple. So then I thought some more and some more and realized that it's gonna be good because it's from my heart. So here goes :

As mommies to angels we often get so caught up in our grief (rightly so) and missing what we once had that we often forget to be good to ourselves. We hurt at moments so badly that we wish we could get away "Just for a moment". Not to forget our children but just a moment away from the hurt and from the pain. And even months , days or even years later we find ourselves caught up in a dip on this roller coaster that is a life with loss. Sometimes we just want and need to get away from that reality. For me I like to get away with a good book . I like to set a nice atmosphere, candles, something to drink or snack on and as I said a good book . So In thinking of this I decided to put together a small getaway package:

Because sometimes you don't wanna get out of your pj's it's a comfy robe, candle and wine glass. I figured hey you might as well be comfortable as you get away right ?

There's also a wine glass that I thought was just too cute. The name of the glass is "Shopaholic Too" and of course we all know that sometimes you just gotta shop to get away. And there is also a scented candle with the wording "Enjoy Life's Little Pleasures" which I believe this journey has taught many of us to do.

On the bottom of the glass is a recipe for a drink. Whoever gets this just let me know how it tastes if you try it ;O)

So in order to win all you have to do is be a baby loss mom and leave a comment telling me what you like to do to get away and also leave the title of a book you'd love to get away with because I will get that and add it to your package also :O) I will close out this give away on Midnight Dec 20th and announce the winner Dec 21st. Also please leave a link to your blog so that I may come and visit!

Friday, December 16, 2011

Gonna focus on the good

I had an appointment with Dr. V (my ob) all was well. My son is not shy at all. As soon as she put the probe to my belly he was spread eagle on the screen. He also loves to shake his but whenever we go in to see her ( I love it!) She said that he is looking good. His heartbeat is good, he's got enough room in inside ( I asked if he had enough room cause he sometimes looks tight in there) but I guess I should have known that when he was spread eagle today. My bp and weight are both good so all is good and I'm thankful.

Then she read to me the report she received from my MFM. All there was great as well, my cervix is long and closed, 4.4 to be exact . But she also said the my placenta is laying low that it is sitting on my cervix, which of course made me nervous. and for a moment that's all that I could focus on, and I was kind of upset at myself for it. She also told me that as my uterus grows that it will move up but she wanted to let me know as it can sometimes cause bleeding. So I guess in that sense I am glad she told me because I'm sure I'd really freak out if I did see blood and had no idea where it came from.
But again just the thought shook me for a moment, but thankfully sweet friends helped me to focus on the positive and know that everything will be okay. And it helped oh so much. I realized I am at a place I've never been, in a position I've never been. My cervix is still long AND closed and my baby is healthy. God has brought me this far so there's no way he can't bring me even further. He has not left me nor forsaken me and I will continue to lean on his promises.

I love this little boy so much and envision myself meeting him when that day comes, and I know that his brothers and sisters are watching and loving him from above.

It's amazing sometimes how no matter how much good we have around we tend to focus on the one minute thing instead of remembering the good.

Psalm 28:7
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoices; and with my song will I praise him.

Monday, December 12, 2011


Can we say WOW! I am at a place I haven't been before. I am 19weeks! and Everything is still looking good! The last time I was here in pregnancy I was goodbye as soon as I said hello. But today I am still here, we are still here (me and my bun that is ;O) ) and I'm not gonna say as pg as I've ever been because I'm hoping and praying that this will not be the farthest I get. I will make it all the way! 40wks here I come.

I'm one week from being at the half way mark, and to most , well to the average no problem pregnant people that may seem like a world away, but for me it's a milestone, a stepping stone should I say. I know that these times are hard for many too. The holidays are when we seem to miss our angels the most. I still sit and wonder what would my angels be doing had they been here and though I am ecstatic about this baby, I still miss my other babies. I suppose that's something that will never change.

I am also amazed at how different this pregnancy is from the other 3 ( which I guess is good considering how those turned out). and I don't mean just having the TAC, but also the way my body has changed (some of these changes suck), like I have body acne, yeah so not sexy I know but, well let me not say body acne, let me say chest acne, like between but above my boobs, not a lot but enough to notice (oh and sorry if that was TMI) but speaking of boobs ;O) I have some, at this point and time I'm a full C and for most i'm sure that's nothing but when you've had a B cup that sometimes looks like an A cup all your life, hey this is a nice change. I hope to maybe get a lil bigger before my lil guy is born and hopefully I can keep some afterward ? hmmmmmmm I guess time will tell on that one, but enough of the boob talk (hee hee). With the TAC I also feel a lot more. I feel the stretching and pulling and what not which can make one quite nervous, but my docs still say that things look good and baby is fine, so I guess I'm just gonna have to get used to it. Oh and my belly button that started as an innie , which turned into a flatty is now on it's way to being an outtie. My sister says It looks like I have one giant boob where my stomach should be. (lol)

So in honor of these glorious 19wks I figured I'd put up a few pics of me and the belly to celebrate. YaY !

Thursday, December 8, 2011

An Awesome Thursday!

Today has started off and continued to be a wonderful day. And it's not even that many things have happened through out today. I had a great appointment with my MFM and I'm still reeling (sp?) with joy over that.

It started with the Tech taking a lot of pics of my precious baby boy, and giving them all to me on a cd ! (Score one for me!) After that came the internal u/s (oh the joy ;O% ) to look at my cervix. after that she sent in her report and once she left in came................. a doctor I didn't know and once he got to talking I didn't like very much. He came in looked at my pics and asked why was I here. I told him b/c I'm a high risk pregnancy. He then looked at the pics the tech took again and then asked me "why are you high risk" so I gave him the quick version of my story and after that he had the nerve to ask me "if this doesn't work, then what are we supposed to do" I looked at him and almost wanted to cuss him (and I don't even curse) I told him I don't know you're the doctor you tell me. Just as I was about to ask him where the heck is doctor S he said something that calmed me down. He said " Well looking at these pictures you have the most normal cervix I have ever seen, it's long and closed"......... And as I thought to go off on him, I realized what he said and just smiled and thought to myself thank God. And to make things better as he was walking out Dr. S was walking in. She explained to me that he is the head of their department and she didn't even know he was in here. She also made my day even better by telling me that My cervix looks great. Yes great , not good not well not okay but great! She also said it is long and closed and that she will see me in two weeks! This has just made my day!

I am so happy and so joyous and so thankful that God has allowed thing to go so well.

Here I am 18wks3 days, the point and time that things went down hill for me with Camron, Xavien and Tristen. But here we are EIGHTEEN WEEKS THREE DAYS and things are lovely. I've been good handling this week. I notice that I found myself running to the bathroom at every sensation I felt hoping and praying that I didn't see anything bad. And I haven't. I have been and continue to be so hopeful with this pregnancy. I am just so in love already and I don't even know when that happened. I thought that I was guarding my heart somewhat but today I realized that I am totally amazed by , in awe of and totally in love with this baby. I have so many hopes and dreams and wants for him and I love it. I'd like to say that I've thrown caution to the wind but I cannot say that because again I have my moments. But as of now in this moment I am over the moon with joy.

And it makes it even better because hubby has come around to talking about names. And this in and of itself is a big deal. There was a point he felt that even thinking about names would jinx this blessing, but here we are not only talking about names but as of today have really narrowed down on our choices.

Here are some pictures of our beautiful blessing :

Today is just wonderful and I look forward to many more to come! You can't tell me that the God I serve is not an awesome God!

Friday, December 2, 2011

Time Flies

We often hear or use the expression " Time Flies when you're having fun"

But I've learned over the past 2 and a half almost 3 years that this statement is not always true. In 2009 when I first experience the loss of a child. Time still flew. I mean yes I was still in greif, stuck there hurt broken and reliving many painful moments. But time still moved on. I mean here I was myself stuck in a moment, but time still sped by. The comfort I got from others in the beginning was gone after only weeks. It seemed as people forgot or just chose not to acknowledge what had happend and In that misery before even completely getting over or through that, It happened again and again I was frozen in my pain, but.....time still moved on. I couldn't truly feel as if time had slowed because there was so much around me changing, so many people moving on, many giving me advice I wasn't ready to hear or probably didn't even want to hear because they felt I had been in a place long enough.

And here I am again, at a moment in life that I am feeling so hopeful and thinking will time still continue to fly, will it go even faster now that I'm having fun, or will it just this once slow down and let me enjoy this ride? Will I enjoy this ride? Can I enjoy this ride?

Or should I hope that time continues to move at this speed? I mean after all I will be 18 weeks monday and though I'm very hopeful and believe that I will get to bring this sweet boy home alive and healthy and in my arms , there is part of me that wants this coming week to speed by. There is part of me that is ready to to get to 24wks already, there is part of me that wants to get to 30 weeks already, but the truth is, time goes at it's own pace, the pace that God has set forth and no matter what I say or do the time will move as it will. I just have to do my best to make the best of the time I have, to enjoy it , to hold to my peace , my hope and my faith.

And though time doesn't stand still I can hold on to the memories that are dear to me and the lessons I've learned.

Phil 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

25 Days of Giveaways !

I am so excited to be participating in the 25 Days of Giveaways event this year. It is going on it's third year but this is my first time joining in the fun and I am beyond excited. I have yet to figure out what I will give away on my day, but I am sure it will come to me. So if you don't stop by my blog any other day make sure you stop by December 19th cause that is my day !

But for Day 1 which is today, make sure you stop over at Tina's blog over @
Livingwithoutsophiaandellie and enter to win the beautiful knecklace from her etsy shop she has made and to also find out tomorrow where the next giveaway will be!

Monday, November 28, 2011

Itchy Fingers

No it's not a symptom I'm currently experiencing. At least not in the literally sense anyways. It's the only way that I can express how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm itching to buy something for this baby, but there's the nagging feeling in the back of my mind saying that I should wait until I reach 18wks at least, and granted that's only one week from now as I'm 17wks today. But it's not an omen like feeling it's a feeling of having loss , the feeling of remembering what's happened three times before, the feeling of now knowing that BFP doesn't =baby at the end of 9months. And I don't like it one bit. I know that I can't beat myself up because it comes with the territory, but it also wars with what I feel in my heart, what I know in my mind, that this baby WILL make it all the way.

So why can't I just roll with the punches and be happy. Why can't I just pick up what I like in a store when I see something, why do I have to second guess wanting to buy something for my baby. Why , why, why ! ( I know that sounded like a temper tantrum, and I guess it was a small one, but that's how I feel)

My Bishop at my church once said that "to have faith, you have to see it without seeing it." and that's what I've been doing. I've pictured myself holding my son, I've pictured his crib, the colors furniture and decorations, I've even pictured my baby shower and a registry.

But though I have such a burning in my bones to do so, I can't bring myself to make a purchase that I so badly want to make.
So I am stuck, stuck between buying or waiting, waiting or buying, going out on a limb to make a purchase only to have my heart crushed once again or actually getting to use what I buy.

But I knew this was a risk when I got pregnant again right? and that's the biggest risk of all isn't it? I mean what's the loss in clothes compared to the loss of a child right?

Part of me says that I should enjoy this time to the fullest. To not look back and regret not getting ready for this baby or not picking up something I really wanted for him. I mean God has already blessed my family abundantly, yes there have been heart wrenching and soul shattering moments, but there has also been good, even great times. And I have no reason to doubt that God is able, because I know he's able, but the question still remains.....................

To scratch or not to scratch?

I'm thinking I just may scratch ;O)

( hmmmmmmmmmm and who says talking to yourself is not normal?)

Saturday, November 26, 2011

2yrs In Heaven

It's hard to believe that two years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl who soon after went to be with God. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and others it feels like a lifetime ago and it even sometimes feels like a bad dream. I look at my niece and wander what she would have been doing today, the things she would have been saying. But I find comfort in remembering how much I love her, that she is in the safest place she can be and that I will soon see her again. I also know that she is not alone. Though I wish that she nor the other angel babies had to be angels, I am glad she is not alone. I know that she and her brothers are looking down on me and their brother. Keeping him and watching over him and helping him to arrive safely into my arms. I Love you Xavien and I always will. You will remain in my heart forever and you will always have a piece of me there with you.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

MFM appointment !

I just got back from (well not just got back, been back for about 30 minutes) and I must say this has been the best appointment yet ;O) I got a very good u/s and she was actually able to tell the gender, but I'll save that for the end of this post. She measured everything including my cervix and took a look at my stitch. Both look good. My cervix is strong long (as long as mine gets anyway) with no changes thus far (praying it stays that way) and my stitch looks good and holding well. I am so happy ! She took lots of shots and also gave me a cd of pictures to take home with me. I am just so ecstatic and this appointment has made me feel so optimistic about this time around. I truly believe that I will be bringing home a live healthy baby to raise and love and somewhat spoil ;O)

and without further adew (sp?)

and hear are a couple of more pics of the butter bean

Saturday, November 19, 2011


I at this moment am in a Love/Hate relationship with the coming weeks. There's so much to love about them yet there's things that I hate about them.

I Love that in my 16th and 17th weeks and even at the beginning of my 18th(the first day of wk 18 to be exact) that my cervix was holding strong and still looked normal.

I also Hate that in my 18th week I gave birth 5months too soon.

I Love that in my 16th week I began to get my energy back. That I could move around and at least have the energy to fix me a decent meal.

I Hate the fact that I didn't get to enjoy this stage of pregnancy very long.

I Love that I began to feel the baby's kicks at the beginning of my 18th week.

I Hate that this feeling didn't last very long.

I Love the fact that this time reminds me of when I first learned what it meant to fall in Love a way that you never knew could exist.

But I Hate the fact that it reminds me of the greatest losses in my Life.

Yes this point and time is like a roller coaster ride with a lot of dips and loops.

But never the less I LOVE the fact that in those dips i am still looking up . That I still have Hope that I am looking forward to seeing 18wks and beyond. That my trust is not in these emotions that can sometimes be all over the place, that aren't always the same. But my trust is in the One who sits high and looks low. The One that has carried me through grief that heals me, that holds me and that comforts me. And that I could never hate.

Update with the Ob

Yesterday I had an appointment with my ob. All in all it was a great appointment minus a few things. So I guess I'll start with the not so happy things first and that way I can end on a good note.

Still no pictures this time. Apperantly they sent her the wrong part for her printer so no pictures (which i guess I can say was kinda okay because I go in on wednesday to see the MFM so I should get some pictures then)

and the only other sucky thing is she only has priveliges at the hospital where I delivered Camron (which I should have checked before hand) , but I love her as my ob. She is very caring, very concerned, never rushes me and is always listening to me and what I need. She also told me that as far as doctors and staff and lot has changed and she will do her best to make sure I have a better esperience. So in talking to her she kinda made me feel better but I'm not too sure yet.

As far as me I've gained 1lb since my last visit and I think thus far I have gained a total of 4lbs maybe and my blood pressure is back to normal. It was running a little low on earlier visits.

And now for the good news. Baby is doing great his (not sure if bb is a boy or girl but I get tired of say he/she or it or bb so for now it's he) heart rate is strong at 155. I so love that he is a mover. I got kicks and waves and booty shakes (yes for some reason this baby like to shake his but on screen) and I love every bit of it. It relieves a lot nervousness that I have on my way in for my appointments. Dr. V also looked at my stitch and said that is looking good, and holding well. I go and see Dr. S on wednesday so I will get and actual cervix length check then.
All in all things are good and I am so very thankful. I just continue to hope and pray that all continues going well.

Monday, November 7, 2011

14wks and an appointment

So today I am exactly 14wks along. I have no pictures to post this time because the past few weeks I have been too lazy to make myself look like something and wouldn't dare scare anybody by posting pics of me in with my hair all over my head. Although today I looked somewhat decent I just didn't feel too much like pulling out the the camera.

I had an appointment with my Ob on friday which went great. I got to have a nice long look at my butter bean who now looks more like Mr. Peanut to me (hee hee ). I got to see him wave at me (haven't found out the sex yet but just saying him ) and also shook his but at me as well. I loved it and I loved seeing him on the screen. But unfortunately no take home pic this time. There was a patient before me who's children decided it would be fun to play with the u/s machine and well, she can't print pictures now. I hope she has a new machine by the time I go back on the 18th or there is gonna be some smoke in the city cause I will be one HOT mama! I only have pictures of my bean when he looked like ........well a bean and now that he is starting to look like somebody I would like that picture to stare at.

Wow I'm 14wks already! I say already but I feel like time is moving so slowly. LoL but I think I'm just anxious to make it to a point that I've never made it to before. But I am thankful for the peace that God has given me because I'm cautious but not worried. I think everyone around me is more worried than I am. I am just grateful for this little blessing.

I am still praying for all of my angel moms who are still awaiting their moment. I pray that God blesses you with a baby to take home and raise here with you, in your arms.

I also started my phlebotomy clinicals today. I know it's seems like it took forever but I had to wait for the full timers to finish so that I could get a spot. It was a good day and I did better than I thought. THANK GOD! I hope tomorrow goes even better. Well I'm off to get myself together and get to bed.

Blowing sweet kisses to my Angels!

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Wave of Light and other ramblings...........

So lets see......... it's been a bit of a stretch since I last wrote and it's not that I haven't had anything to say as a matter of fact I think I've had too much swirling around, but I just haven't had the energy. So I'll start with Saturday Oct. 15 which was the Wave of Light Remembrance
I've been celebrating this day for 2 years now and though this time things are a little different makes this no less special.

I think many believe that being pregnant again replaces all that you go through when you lose a child. But it just isn't so. Yes I'm pregnant again, but if you don't know me personally, or don't read my blog then you would never have known, because my house is empty except for the keepsakes of 3 beautiful angels that I was able to carry for a short while. To the world outside of loss I am just another person. But to those who know, who understand , I am a mother.

So yes I'm tired, and yes I'm nauseated and yes my belly has begun to grow, but
I remember
the heartache, the shattered soul, the tears, the sleepless nights, I remember the quiet after giving birth, no baby crying, no congratulations, just silence, just hurt , just pain, just questions...........
I remember
babies gone before and after mine, parents grieving there lost children, families sometimes broken
Yes I am beyond thankful to be where I am at this moment, I am beyond thankful for the peace of mind that God has given me, I am thankful for his faitfulness that even though there were times I felt like it, he has never left me and I am thankful that I remember where I once was, I remember how it felt, I can still hold myself together, I have known a love like no other I am simply thankful

In this journey I know that a lot of times for a lot of people that faith is shaken and sometimes lost. But I am grateful that though I was shaken at one point, and though I at times wanted to stop believing, that God wouldn't let me. I will always remember what happened but I will also remember that I am surviving and that just amazes me. My God never ceases to amaze me. I can remember being pregnant with xavien and being scared to move and of course it is said that all pregnancies are different which in turn is true but after loss it's hard for anxiety to be different, but for me this time it is. Yes I have my moments but they are just that, moments. It's like when fear tries to creep in God doesn't let it. He instead reminds me of his promises and of his word. I can't even explain it, I mean of course sometimes things creep in , but I don't dwell on them (and there was once a time that i did). But his peace has been surrounding me. It's just unexplainable and I know it may sound like I'm rambling but right now this is the best way I can describe it. I am just glad that I held on to the sliver of faith that I had. I am thankful that he has grown that faith into what it is now and I am blessed because I know that it can only get better.

Monday, October 10, 2011


So today I have reached double digits in this pregnancy. I am exactly 10wks. That means I have 2wks until I can say I have made it to the second trimester , 8wks until I reach the point where I Camron and Xavien were born, and the point were I went into the hospital with Tristen and 9wks away from the point when he was born. So needless to say that this will be an interesting time. I can't say that I am nervous, but I think I'm anxious to get to that point and past it. I whole heartedly believe that I will bring home a healthy living baby this time, but sometimes things do sneak up on me. I hope and pray everyday that this TAC is doing it's job. I try my best to live in the moment, thank God for this pregnancy and enjoy every minute of it I can, which is sometimes hard to do when you're exausted , nauseated and stuffy.

It's such a delicate balance. I try my best not to complain because I don't want to seem ungrateful, but sometimes it just seems hard. I've been pregnant 3 years in a row now and the first 2 years never getting past the point where relief starts to come. It's like I went from nausea to heartache. and this pregnancy is so very different from those pregnancies. I absolutely cannot stand water, yes water I know right ! the most tasteless thing the most needed thing for me and I hate it, it's a task for me to get down one bottle of it, but I force myself and as of late it's been kinda easy, oh and I also love frosted flakes right now, and I have to have eggs and pancakes every morning (sometimes biscuits instead). This time around my 10wk belly looks like a 14wk belly lol. and I've actually had some pretty bad cramping from time to time. and again nausea sucks! BUT, I will endure it all, I am thankful for it all, because it means I have a baby that is growing and thriving and most importantly alive! So I will take it all, I will endure it all with hoping and praying that this one will come home , living, breathing and in my arms and not as a box of memories.

Sorry this post may be a little all over the place (my mind has been all over the place lately)

I've also decided that it's time I started take some belly shots so here goes: (oh and please don't mind the hair)

Saturday, October 8, 2011

So my appointment yesterday went well. I got to see the butterbean and heartbeat. My doctor told me I am measuring on track and so far everything looks good. Then we went to her office and talked about my blood work. she tested me for everything under the sun.

Disclaimer: TMI coming up.

All tests were negative except for one. which she said that I carry a backteria that most women naturally carry and is harmless except in pregnant women. She gave me the name but I can remember it for the life of me (bacterial something with a P) anywho she said that it has been known to cause pre-term labor (which of course had me worried) it's nothing that is curable (cue more worry) but they do treat it to bring down the levels of it (okay somewhat nervous now but not really) but they can't treat it until 2wks. the medicine used for it isn't safe until the second trimester. So I have 3 wks well a little less than that (i will be exactly 10wks on monday) until I can get the medicine. But I must say overall I am not worried (a little concerned, but not worried) I have a peace that I know only God can give and I am ever so thankful for it.

I am also thankful to have an OB that is so thorough and caring. She actually sits and talks with me and makes me feel as if I matter, as if my concerns matter. That is so such a blessing to have. She told me to not hesitate to come in if i feel the need. Even if i don't have an appointment. She told me don't feel crazy because my concerns are valid. She even said I can call the answering service on the weekends when they are closed and they will get in touch with her.
That is such a relief to hear. After being treated as if my concerns where nothing or that I'm overreacting or being told things are fine when i know they werent and then losing babies because I felt no one listened, have Dr. V is such a relief.

So after talking she asked if I wanted to come again in 2wks or did I think I could make it 4. I told her that I think i can make it 4, but if i can't i'd call or just come in ;O)

So my next appointment with her is Nov 4 and my next appointment with Dr. S is Nov 23 but not sure if i can make it that long before seeing her, so that may change.

all in all I am thankful to be right were I am.

and on a totally off topic happy note:
I got 4 pair of shoes for under 200 bucks ;O) score 1 or 4 for me!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Geesh I am really slacking on the blogging. But as of now I have no energy to do much of anything at the moment ;O)

Anywho first off the appointment with my MFM went well. She said everything looks good cerclage cervix and baby. Baby was measuring at 8wk2days which to me is ahead about a week of what I thought I was (by my calculations lol) and had a heartbeat of 160. I don't have to see her again until november (which will be the scary weeks of this pregncancy, well okay not will , but maybe) but as I get into double digits with this pregnancy I may try and get in earlier. However I do get to go friday to my ob which is great because I will get to see butterbean again hopefully with a regular u/s and not the wand ;O/.

In other thoughts:
I've been thinking wether or not to chronicle this pregnancy in a different blog. As of now I'm leaning into keeping it on this blog. I know that there are many on this journey that are still waiting for their rainbows and that my updating may be hard to read, but I also think of the fact that this is apart of my journey. Where I am now and where I'm going is a part of where I've been and I believe it is all apart of a great testimony of what I believe my life will be and not to mention that I'm not even halfway to my rainbow yet (though yes I'm choosing to believe I will get there). But this is still apart of the journey. I'm thinking of maybe just changing the blog name but I havent really figured out a name yet if I do decide to change it. But we shall see.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Appointment #1

So I had my first appointment today with a new ob. I must say I absolutely Love Love Love her! She is so very caring and understanding and informative and listens to me and has a plan for me and just makes me feel confident in her.

The appointment went well I got to see my lil dot. I held my breath for the longest time. I was just so nervous but excited at the same time. But I was so happy to see that all is well and I'm just praying that I can continue to rest in God's peace.

So as of today we are 7wks 1day along.

I have an appointment wednesday with the MFM so hopefully I get to see another pic of my butterbean.

all smiles this way ;O)

Saturday, September 17, 2011


So needless to say Nausea and Fatigue have reared their ugly heads. The spitting is trying to gear but I am doing my best to keep that at bay. So I guess this is a complete turn-a-round from the previous post. But I am still thankful. Thankful that I have this opportunity again. I am still excited and have great expectation in God that he is going to allow me to take this baby home alive and healthy. I also realized that though not conscientiously, i find myself checking my undies or tissue from time to time for any spotting or sign that something is wrong. But never the less I'm still excited.

I have a whole week before my doc appointment which I am admittedly anxious for so that I can see that everything is well and hopefully have even more relief. I think then I may let the cat out of the bag to some people and not just here. hmmmmmmmmmmm not sure yet.

Saturday, September 10, 2011



That's exactly how I feel right now. I just want to burst and tell the world, that yes I'm pregnant (again) (which is what some will probably think) But I am just so excited. I haven't even been to see the doc yet but I just want to tell everybody, and hey, who knows, this may change in the days or weeks to come. But at the very least I want to wait until I have a picture of my little bean before I open my mouth.

It's amazing to me how different this time is from the other times. With Cam, Xavien and Tristen, I was fatigued, nauseous with bloating and sore boobs (sorry if TMI) and who can forget the horrible spitting, from the beginning and I was worried to death about those pregnancies .

This time the only symptoms I have are bloating and sore boobs and I couldn't be more at ease and happy. I do find myself checking below every time i go to the bathroom or feel something funny, which I didn't even notice how much I did ( and still do ) that until the other day.

But for now I'm gonna do my best to hold on to the news until I get a pic of beanie baby b.(and b is for my last name not because I know the sex, I'm only around 4 weeks. )

Monday, September 5, 2011

I P.O.A.S............


So this morning I P.O.A.S and............. saw the most beautiful two pink lines I'd ever want to see. Heck who am I kidding I didn't care what they looked like as a long as I saw them. But I did. Two pink lines yep! and I am so thankful. I almost slipped back into my worrying ways because one line was lighter than the other, but then I told myself I will continue to trust in God and not let one small detail ruin a happy moment for me. So God I give you the glory and I thank you for this moment!


Wow! I went to my primary care doctor today and guess what! again the best two lines I'd ever want to see. So it's official! I have a baby on board. And you know what else? I actually just want to scream it from the roof tops. I'm not worried (at least so far, ask me that again in about 10wks) , I'm ecstatic, I'm at a loss for words I'm THANKFUL! That God has blessed me, (okay I'm being selfish right there), my husband and I.

On another note but the same note, I had to force myself to stop peeing on sticks. Yesterday (yes i just found out yesterday) I peed on three (sorry I keep using the word pee (oops did it again) ). But today only the one at the docs office.

So next step is finding an OB which my family prac doctor recommended for me already. I already have a MFM so at least something is taken care of ;O)

So needless to say I'm all smiles this way ;O)

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Who'd have thunk it!

Who'd have thunk that after two and a half years I would know what it's like to be healed. and I don't mean all the pain and heart ache i have been through has been forgotten. No i mean the simple fact that I can't think about my babies and not break into a million little pieces all over again, that I can actually talk about them and not cry from sadness and hurt, that I can see anther's miracle and blessing and rejoice in what a blessing they have, even if they don't know. That I can feel and hurt with another who has lost her angel but still hold hope in my heart that no matter what or how long that there will be better for her and her family. The sheer fact that I can smile when seeing a belly that I so long to have one day, that I can still hope and dream about a future with children. I am simply amazed. Not just at myself, but at God. I mean I shouldn't be amazed at God, but the sheer fact of what he can do when you really trust him, when you really give your hurt over to him. I'm not saying that it's easy or that I didn't take any steps backwards b/c i did and still do sometimes, but it's amazing how just speaking a word of faith, or getting a word of faith from a friend can just pick you up in those down times. I am just grateful and hopeful that things are getting better. If someone would have told me any of this stuff two and a half years ago, (and some did) that things would get better I probably would have looked at you like you were crazy or just said whatever or just ignored you (which some people I did). But just to be here now is simply amazing. I have no other words for it.

I have been reading many blogs (even though for some reason blogger won't let me comment) and I see that many have gotten BFP's and many are close to giving birth to their rainbows and while I am waiting for my miracle, I am celebrating with all of you, with peace and the comfort that only God can give that I will one day get my rainbow and for that I am thankful.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

1 Year in Heaven

So today marks one year since you've been gone. I wish I could say the hurt is gone, but it's not. I still have nights that I can't close my eyes because all I see are our last days together. I still cry at the fact that of those 2hrs you were alive after you were born I was asleep for most of them. I still cry at the fact that I don't have you here. But I can say the pain is less. I smile at the fact that I love you so much, I sometimes smile just thinking of your sweet name, I smile at the fact that though not on this side, I will still see you again. I thank God for the lessons learned from you.

I also want to share something your Daddy wrote for you. He doesn't have a blog but he posts about you and your brother and you sister on facebook :

The loss of a child is not something you get over... It's something you get through" I miss you. Life just hasn't been the same since you've been gone, and since you've been gone, my love for you has grown; along, with the pain of loosing you, and the pain of loosing you, is something I will never get use to. I use to; cry myself to sleep at night thinking of you, and thinking of you; I still do; because I miss you

There couldn't have been better words spoken

Happy 1yr in heaven sweet boy. Eventhough you couldn't be in a safer place, I still wish you were here with me.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Do you know what today is......

It's our Anniversary! For Hubby and I that is. 8 years ago today I married My soul mate. The man that showed me what it is to have someone love you just as much as you love them. He is my best friend, my lover, my confident. He is honest with me even when I don't want to hear it. He encourages me, builds me up and makes me feel like I am the most beautiful thing in the world inside and out. These 8yrs have not been the easiest. I must say the past three (well 2 and a half) haven't been the easiest. Your regular marriage issues that arise coupled with losing children can definately put a strain on any marriage, but I am thankful to God that we are surviving and I pray that we will have many more to celebrate but coupled with a few birthdays of living children sprinkled through out. ;O)

What better song for today than this one!

This Song Always makes me think of him!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


It's funny (not really but hey the only expression i can think of right now to go with this post.) how IF and baby loss affects ones life. I never could have imagined the toll it would bring on my marriage. Here we are two years since our first loss to almost a year of our third loss and new issues that I never would have thought of have come up in the last month. I am grateful that we are holding on and surviving ( I say surviving because we are still going through things)(though I imagine we always will) . I am grateful for wonderful friends who see me through and give me the extra push I need because they love me.

But most of all the thing that gets me is how we (well not everybody, but I'm hoping I'm not the only one) begin to live our lives in two week increments or the like. Like I now have 2 ovulation apps on my ipod. as if one isn't enough (I guess i needed back up, for what I don't know, but I just felt comfortable with 2) and the crazy thing is I almost had 3 but I didn't like the other one I found. I think about how this last time I got pg (with tristen) how I was online frantically looking at ovulation counters, going to the store to buy OPK's to back up the counter and stocking up on a lifetime (okay not a lifetime, more than enough) pg tests. I remember pos (os =on sticks) a few days before and a few days after what the counter said to make sure that it was right. I remember the two week wait and how anxious I was (still am even now) to POAS at the slightest sign that I could be pg. Driving myself crazy with all the what ifs. when I got the bfp, I remember living my life week by week worrying if we were gonna make it to the next.
I remember at times when we were trying and the test was negative, I remember crying myself to sleep.

And even now not much has changed, as a matter of fact I think things may have gotten worse. Even when I know there is no chance of a bfp i still find myself hoping "well maybe it is, maybe I should just check" or (because my husband works away from home) I find myself planning sex for when hubby does get home. I mean who plans specific sex (i.e when, time (sometimes how many times) best position) . A baby loss mom / some one dealing with IF, that's who! I found myself at one point planning my life around possibly, hopefully, wishingly to one day have a baby. But thankfully I've realized that I can't live like that. So I plan but I don't let TTC hold me back from my other dreams ( okay not a lot, but hey I am making progress)

But I still find myself at times living in increments.

Sorry for the babbling and it may be a little confusing but it was on my mind and I had to get it out .

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Sometimes you just wanna Scream

Hmmmmmmm where to start?

Well I decided to go ahead and take the phlebotomy class. And I guess that was a good call seeing that I won't have to worry about being pregnant at the time of the class.

So today was the first day and I guess I should have been prepared seeing as how it's always the day that everyone gets to hear a little bit about the others. So of course we go around the room and introduce ourselves and tell a little about ourselves. When it was my turn I didn't say much , just my name , age and how long I've been married. (I was not the first one to go)

All around me I heard names, ages, some were married and some where not, and of course I got to hear about the number of kids and some who were single parents with kids and one that was still naive and talked about how she wants kids, and then (insert SWIFT KICK in the GUT here) when she told them that the WHOLE class and I mean the WHOLE class, (of course except for me) told her how NO YOU SHOULD WAIT, and GIRL YOU DON'T WANT KIDS, and YOU'RE YOUNG GO HAVE FUN! and HOW MUCH TROUBLE THEY ARE and HOW MUCH OF YOUR TIME THEY TAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now of course I know that for her some of these things are true. She is young, yes children do take a lot of your time and yes she is young. BUT, it's just the fact that I had to be in the room to hear that. The fact that if I knew i'd be going through the things I'm going through now, I don't think I would have waited for what others thought was a good age. I think I honestly would have started trying sooner. Not saying that trying now is late, but if I'd have known the gravity of ttc, the effects that loss can have on you, the fact that not everyone gets to take home a baby.

and the most mind boggling thing is how people will say they are sorry to hear what has happened to you and then go on as though you never told them anyting.

case & point
I went to lunch with a few girls I met in class (this was before the formal intro's we had to make)
and of course the questions started, "what do you" "are you married" "do you have kid's?"
So of course when it came to me yes i'm married , I don't work, two step children (of course i should have talked about my babies, but I'm still navigating on how to do that) so one girl asks " do you want kids?" Me: yes but I've had 3 losses ( of course should have been more detailed , but I just couldn't ) Them: oh sorry to hear that

So fast forward we are back at school two girls who ate lunch with me go to the bathroom, I enter in after them girl 1. I don't know if i want kids (blah blah and some other stuff) girl 2: my husband wants us to try and I'm like uh uh not while i'm in school, I mean I don't even know if i want anymore (blah blah blah) and I knw this probably shouldn't bother me, but it does I mean maybe it's my fault b/c I didn't show how much my losses affected me or I didn't show how big of a deal losing my babies were to me, I don't know. But all I do know is that I hate to hear people talk about how much of a hassle their child or children are when I so badly want to be in their place, and I think jelousy sets in when i hear those that are still able to be naievely (sp?) hopeful about pregnancy being so easy. Whatever the reason is Sometimes I just want to SCREAM!

But because I've been such a downer lately I'll end on a positive note:

I had a friend tell me that right now maybe God is trying to get me to a certain place . and I'll admit at first it kind of sounded harsh to me for a split second, but with the things that are going on in my life at the moment, the may be (there is ) some truth to that.

1Cor 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

One of those Days

Today is just one of those days. Well it actually started sunday when AF showed up. It may have even started before that, but we're gonna go with sunday because things weren't really getting to me until then. It's not like it wasn't expected but I guess that was just the straw that broke the camels back. I am truly happy for those that I love who have been blessed but today I am just sad for me.

I wish I had more to say, but that's it...........

I will end in saying that I am thankful to God for those he has placed to hold me up when I can't. Through everything he is yet and still and awesome God.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

I've been thinking about my post yesterday and I feel like though it was what I was feeling at the time, I think bits and pieces may have sounded a little whiny and somewhat selfish. I know that yes I have to look out for my feelings but I also feel like it sorta seemed like I wasn't really thinking about the God I served. There have been many instances over this past month where I thought I would lose it or find myself gettting ready to have a fit and a few hours or days later he has provided a way ( I call these my "coulda had a V8" moments) because just when I fall apart he's there puting me together and then I'm looking at myself like "drea all you had to do was wait on me" then I calm down and go about my mary way until the next thing comes up. So I am telling myself now that I will calm down and hold on because I know God is able and I just have to trust him. Katy had a great verse on her pray date blog tuesday which I'm gonna put here too because it was truly what I needed to hear.

James 1:2-4
2My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

3Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

4But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.

and also another verse that I have been holding too lately that seems to bring me peace

Isaiah 61:3

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

So Lord I'm here though I may be a lil impatient at times I'm holding on as best I can and waiting on you.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Short story , Long Vent.

Story: Around the end of March my sister and my niece came to stay with me so that my sister could finish school. Well she found out last month that she is pregnant. yep pregnant.

Vent: At first upon hearing the news I was okay. I don't think i fully realized what it meant for me. All I knew, all that I still know is that I want to help her so she can have a better future, a life for her and her kids, so that she can make something of herself, so that she doesn't feel like a she's a failure or doing what "everyone" told her she would do. But in knowing that I wanted to help her, I didn't take time out (at that moment) to really think about what this would do/is doing to me. For some reason I thought "hey my SIL is pg and I'm doing fine with that, but I didn't think about the fact that I'm not around her too often. But the fact is , my sister lives with me. I have to see her everyday now, I have hear about how tired she is, how sick she is and of course I'm gonna have to see that growing belly at least for 3 and a half more months. I'm beginning to think that I may not be able to handle this and I don't know what to do about it. I feel so bad for thinking about me, but I feel bad for not thinking about me. It seems that I'm the only one thinking about me. Well hubby is too, he asked me how I felt when i told him the news and I told him I didn't know. and at the time that was true because I truly didn't know. I was a mixed ball of emotions, but at the center of it I knew that I still wanted to be there for her and help her. And at the core of it I do. I just don't want to feel the way I'm beginning to feel. I'm starting to wish i would have told her when I heard the news that she will have to go back home and let my mom help her. But that's not what I want. I want her to rise above all the mean things people have told her, but now I'm at a cross roads on what to do. I mean I know I know I know in my soul that God has great things in store for me, that he will grant me the desires of my heart, that I don't have to be sad about this because my blessings are coming I know they are . without a doubt I know they are. It's just now, in this moment, I just wish............................

Thursday, April 14, 2011


Two years ago today a piece of my heart grew wings and flew away. Sometimes it's hard to believe that it's been two years, especially when the grief sneaks up on you and makes it feel as if it's just happend minutes, hours or even days ago. Other times it feel as if you been gone even longer. But no matter how long one thing still remains. I still miss him, I still long for him, I still wish for him. I still close my eyes at times and go back to the day I held his small body. I remember how I wished so hard that you didn't have to leave me. I remember not wanting to say goodbye. But I find the comfort in now knowing that it isn't goodbye, but more of a see you later. I know that no matter how I wish you were here with me, that you are safe in the masters arms. So Happy 2 years in Heaven to my first born Camron Jaiden. Forever Loving My Angels

I smiled today because of this. I thought about how if you were here that this is what your cake would look like on your birthday, just a little bigger mess than this one. But I'd make you a cake myself every year, (i probably still will) they'd just get better because i'd go and take some baking classes and cake decorating classes. <3

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I was on my way home from dropping my sister at school and out of nowhere (of course leave it to grief to just sneak up on you) I began to think. It's only April and yet I find myself somewhat saddened over next month. One would think that I'd be excited seeing as how it is my birthday month, but another shadow looms over me instead. Mother's Day. I am so very happy for my kindred spirits who now get to celebrate this day with earthly angels, but I am at this moment so very sad for myself. And the funny thing is , it's not that I don't have my babies here, that bothers me the most. It's the fact that there will be people telling me "Happy Mother's Day", but it won't be for the reason I would hope they would. They will be saying it for the fact that I am a step mom. Not because I have 3 angels in heaven, not because I am a mother in a most unconventional way, Not because I gave birth. Sometimes I sit and think that , "Hey, I'll just stay in and turn off my phone, and lay in bed all day". But that wouldn't be me. My God did not give me the spirit of fear. I also know that he can work a miracle, that I can do all things through him. So what will I do? I will put on my big girl panties, and brave the day. I will even brave this moment. I will be still and know that he is God. Though tears may flow and my gets heavy, I will hold on and I will be encouraged. And of course when I need to let it out, I will come here.

Friday, April 8, 2011

So I found out at the beginning of the week that the SIL is having a girl.........Yes I know I know, what's the big deal...........well I'd like to say that it makes me sad (which in a way it does), but really the green eyed monster has reared it's head, yes I'm jealous, Jealous Of the fact that even though she's had a m/c (though very early but a m/c none the less) that seems to not have affected her at all (shown by the sometimes insensitive things she's said or done). and yes I'm glad that she wasn't a big ball of depression and negativity like I once was. But to at least remember or act like she know's that pain The fact that she wanted to have a baby and she went on to have a handsome , sweet and smart little boy (let me be fair in saying that it was in fact a long while before she got pg again) The fact that she wanted another baby and got pg again. She wanted a girl, and guess what! She's having a girl! Writing this down and looking at it all seems a little bit silly. But this is the way I feel. Do I want to feel this way, no, of course not. But I do. I love my SIL with all my heart (even when she's a little nutty (for lack of a better word) ) But the fact still remains, that when I think about it at times, I am saddened and I am hurt. She's somewhat at a place I want to be (the having a baby part), and it seems that for some reason I can't get to , haven't gotten to yet and it sometimes leaves me wondering why not me. What do I have to do, what am I missing , when will it happen. It all just sucks. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't help feeling this way. And honestly it's not just her. I have many IRL friends around me who are pg with their 2cnd and 3rd child, but I guess it's b/c she is right here in my immediate environment. I don't know. All I know is that I hate this feeling. But I'm still holding on and finding some comfort in knowing that it will one day be my turn. Hopefully this post will soon be followed by stories of hope, joy, rainbows, unicorns and gumdrops, bouncing babies and anything else that makes the heart smile ;O)

Friday, April 1, 2011

Such is this Life

It's been a while since i have written and it's crazy because I have had so many thoughts , but just haven't been able to put them down. Probably because half of them weren't complete and the other half I couldn't realy explain in order to put them down (if that makes since). Lately I've been thinking about the things I want in my life and of course becoming an earthly mom is a major part of that. So much so that I'm having a somewhat hard time fitting the rest of my life into that. I would like to find at least a part time job, but I haven't worked in a year due to the times i was pg and was scared to do anything for fear of losing my baby (which of course that still happened). Then there's the fact that I want to go back to school. I want to start out with phlebotomy b/c that's only 4months , so i could get my foot in the door of the healthcare field, then while working in that field I want to go to school for nursing. It's my way of giving back. To show the kindness and caring that i wish i had gotten when I lost camron. But of course I also want to be a mommy and if when i become pg at the time of being in school that may interfere with my schooling and there's also the fact that if when I become an earthly mommy I know i won't want to leave my baby at home while i have to return to work. But then the latter I can deal with, I just really want to one day (soon have and earthly bundle of joy born from my womb)(geesh i hope that doesn't seem to harsh, but at this point that is what i truly want) I still get amazed at how much of my life this journey that I am on takes up, how it affects every facet of things I want to do, but i guess such is the life of a BLM. And even through it all I still have hope and I still know that God is doing something great in me and for me, I just sometimes wish that he'd put a rush on it. ;O/ Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. Phil 4:6

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I did it ;O) I went to my dentist appointment yesterday, and you know what...............................

It wasn't as bad as i thought. There were know questions, or insensitive rem
arks............just me the dentist, his assistant and my teeth ;O).........................................

Yay me!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

One small step for mankind one GIANT Leap for me!

I did it! Today I made an appointment to see my dentist. I know some will come across this and wonder, "well what the heck is so great about that?". Well , the last time i was at my dentist's office i was pregnant, and not the "i have to tell everyone i'm pg type pregnant", I mean the "walk in and someone says awwwwwwe how far along type pg" (with each pregancy i began to show around 12 to 13 wks). So yes the last time i was there i was showing. matter of fact I went to them twice while i was pg with tristen ( I had another dentist with my other pregnancies). I was originally due to go for a visit to have work done around the time I would have been 5 or 6 months, but as we know I didn't make it that far and I just didn't have the nerve, strength or energy to go back. Until now. I'm thankful that they were caring, and not asking too many questions or making comments that are meant to be helpful but sometime hurt. All in all it was quick and not as bad as I had thought. So as I said above

One small step for mankind and One GIANT Leap for me!

Next up..............Actually going to the appointment. lol ;O)

Monday, March 7, 2011

4 to none

4 to none.

4, the number of people who have had children in less time than i have been married and on this journey of Loss.

0, the amount of full term pregnancies that i have had since being married.

Other numbers

1, person that I know of who "Only had this baby because my husband wanted it"

Too many, is the amount of people I know that didn't get pg on purpose, weren't happy when they found out they were pg, seemed to have a basketball team of kids with no problem.

What a record right ;O(

Monday, February 28, 2011

For the last few days every time i close my eyes or have a minute to think, I go back to the day that I lost Tristen. Well the days leading up to it rather. I try my best to think of other things but i just can't. I feel like he should be here with me. That something more could have been done. I'm sure that reading about others stories that are similar to mine but had a better outcome doesn't help. I read about bedrest and rescue stitches and other methods taken to help others bring home their miricles and it just makes me feel like more could have been done for me. I beat myself up because maybe I should have done more, asked more, demanded more. But I didn't . My body failed me and I failed him. Yes I was alone and scared and panicked and worried , but even still maybe instead I should have been angry, at least angry enough to demand they go in and dos something rather than ask. Maybe that would have gotten results maybe I would have him here with me today. But I don't. I miss him and I wish he were here, but he's not and I can't seem to shake the feeling that he should be. That all my babies should be. Of course they could'nt all be here at the same time, but That camron should be a toddler, xavien and baby and tristen on the way. Of course this would probably be a whole different blog also.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

A friend in need

Hello my bloggy friends,
tonight i come to you asking for prayers for my hubby's co-worker and friend L and his wife E. She is in the hospital and is very ill. I am going to post part of the email that he recieved explaining her condition. Of course the whole names have been taken out and some of the email has, but i just wanted to give an idea of what they are going through.

"they diagnosed her as having
Sarcoid Lung Disease with the pneumonia on top of it. Anyway, in less than
48 hours E was treated with proper medications, life support tubes
removed, and able to talk a little. She had lost over 50% mobility in her
left arm and can not stand at all and throat extremely sore, arms totally
bruised from top to bottom. Dr have put her into in-patience rehabilitation
until she can learn to walk again and use of arms return to normal, or as
close to normal as can be. This has been quite an ordeal, but not out of
the woods yet - still on oxygen, taking multiple meds, and trying to learn
to walk again. actual extent of therapy is unknown as her oxygen levels drop quickly when
she tries to move, so can not give any return date at this time - possible
7-10 days will have a better idea. Right now she can not get out of bed on
her own and both hands very shakey. I have been sleeping at the hosp with
E as this is all very scary to her (and me)."

They were there for hubby and I when we lost each of our babies and I just want to be there for them. I know that I have some prayer warriors out there so if you would just please lift them up in prayer. Thank you all so very much.

Monday, February 7, 2011

If anyone would have told me that this would be my life today, I would'nt have believed them. I remember when i was young having so many dreams and even when some of those dreams didn't come true I forged on and took a new path. But this journey, this journey of loss and grief is a whole different thing. I hate this pain, this grief which is just so heavy. This grief that just when I think I've handed the last of it over to God, swoops in and squeezes me with sorrow. There is no new path to take, no new turn to go down, no oppostie way to run. I can't close my eyes and blink away the pain, I can turn around and go another way, I can't find something to occupy me until something else comes along, I can't pretend it didn't happen. I can only be in it. I can only deal with it. I can only live it. I can only do my best and try and give away the pain while holding on to the good that came of such heartwrenching times in my life.

But today unfortunately is not one of those days. Not one of those moments. I can't remember the good without remembering the bad and what i lost and what i want and need so desperately. Today I feel i need my babies like i need air.

While I am ecstatic and excited and happy for others, today I am just extremely sad for me.

Loving My Angels