Friday, April 8, 2011

So I found out at the beginning of the week that the SIL is having a girl.........Yes I know I know, what's the big deal...........well I'd like to say that it makes me sad (which in a way it does), but really the green eyed monster has reared it's head, yes I'm jealous, Jealous Of the fact that even though she's had a m/c (though very early but a m/c none the less) that seems to not have affected her at all (shown by the sometimes insensitive things she's said or done). and yes I'm glad that she wasn't a big ball of depression and negativity like I once was. But to at least remember or act like she know's that pain The fact that she wanted to have a baby and she went on to have a handsome , sweet and smart little boy (let me be fair in saying that it was in fact a long while before she got pg again) The fact that she wanted another baby and got pg again. She wanted a girl, and guess what! She's having a girl! Writing this down and looking at it all seems a little bit silly. But this is the way I feel. Do I want to feel this way, no, of course not. But I do. I love my SIL with all my heart (even when she's a little nutty (for lack of a better word) ) But the fact still remains, that when I think about it at times, I am saddened and I am hurt. She's somewhat at a place I want to be (the having a baby part), and it seems that for some reason I can't get to , haven't gotten to yet and it sometimes leaves me wondering why not me. What do I have to do, what am I missing , when will it happen. It all just sucks. I don't want to feel this way, but I can't help feeling this way. And honestly it's not just her. I have many IRL friends around me who are pg with their 2cnd and 3rd child, but I guess it's b/c she is right here in my immediate environment. I don't know. All I know is that I hate this feeling. But I'm still holding on and finding some comfort in knowing that it will one day be my turn. Hopefully this post will soon be followed by stories of hope, joy, rainbows, unicorns and gumdrops, bouncing babies and anything else that makes the heart smile ;O)

8 comments:

cgd said...

sweetie, I totally get this. It is hard to watch others just sort of get what they want kind of easily while you(we) struggle for just a tiny piece of this. I say this to my husband all the time, all I want is one baby so simple nothing fancy. I will never understand how/why all of this happens.
thinking of you my sweet friend.
P.S. there is no need at all for you to be all sunshine in your next post, we are here for you either way.

Brie said...

Shandrea, I'm right there with ya with the green eyed monster rearing it's ugly head when news of pregnancies surround me. Wondering mostly, will I ever get another turn at pregnancy, let alone being a parent to a living, breathing child?

All we can do is take it one step at a time, one foot in front of the other and HOPE for our dreams to come true as so many of us around us have had happen for them.

hugs!

Deni said...

Sending you so much love and praying for your rainbow too! It's completely normal to feel that jealousy, even though none of us ever want to, it doesn't mean we don't! It's hard to watch it happen all around when it's all you want! hugs and more hugs to you my sweet friend!

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

just lurking but wanted to say.... it does not seem silly at all to those of us that have been there done that. I don`t think there are words to fully express how totally some of us "get it".

My ttc days are long behind me and I STILL have moments like that. Few and far between but I still have them.

I hope you can feel validated that your feelings are normal.

Andrea said...

Just as I said to you, this barrage of feelings is normal. No appologies necessary. It's real and it hurts and no one can wave a magic wand and make your pain go away.

BUT

We can LOVE you through the storm :) And I will reassure you of this

You, my Sweetest friend, WILL see that rainbow! And I will be right there by your side showering you with the very same love that you have shown to me.

If ever there were a friend that a friend would like to have...its YOU! And that is why I love you so very much.

Keep on BELIEVING
xxx

Britt said...

Okay, I don't have any rainbows or stories that end in bouncing babies, but I want you to know that it is okay and even expected for you to feel this way! I am so so sorry for your heartache! Sending you hugs from Texas!

Annie said...

Yes, hopefully sunshine lollipops and rainbows ahead for you. And soon!

The Blue Sparrow said...

I'm right there with you. I have my foot stomping, fist shaking at God moments still and I wonder why it's so easy for some and so hard for me. I will definately keep you in my prayers. We are more alike than you know ;p (((HUGS)))

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