Hello little one. Today i should be looking in your eyes and saying those exact words, but instead I sit here and write this letter and ask God to read it too you. Today all the dreams and hopes I had for you should be all the more real. But instead I sit and think on all that you could have been. Of all I wanted for you. I miss you my daughter. I love you still and always will. I sit trying to take comfort in the fact that I know you are safe, that eventhough daddy and I aren't with you right now you are loved beyond what we could even give. I take comfort in the fact that you will always be in my heart. I know that Camron is taking care of you.
I miss you both so much. You will always be my first daughter, my second born and forever loved.
Mommy misses you. I pray that you feel my gentle kisses sent from my heart to heaven.
Tonight I cried. I cried at the memory of Camron being born, I cried at the fact that I no longer have him with me. I cried at the memory of holding him, I cried at the memory of his features. Not only did I cry for me, but I cried for those who truly don't understand what the loss of a child does to you. I cried for those who don't value my babies lives as I do. I cried for those who try to make it better with comments but only make it worse. It hurt , it hurt that to me it's only been a year, but to someone else it's the past. Well it's not my past, it still affects me today. So yes I will do my best to let go of the hurt, to cast it all upon my savior. But I will not let go of the lessons learned through Camron and Xavien, I will not let go of my love for them, I will not let go of how beautiful they are to me. I will not let go of the fact that though they are with God now, that he blessed me to be their mother.
Tonight ( well i guess i should say today since it's like 6am) I called on the lord and he heard my cry. He gave me comfort, he gave me peace, he gave me his word. He loves me. ....................................................................................................................................
He says in his word,
Fear thou not; for i am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen they; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness....Isaiah41:10
Thank God for helping me , for upholding me.
Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Je'sus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any paraise, think on these things. Phil4:6-8
my babies are true ( they were born), my babies are just and pure, they are lovely , I praise and thank God for them.
I will not forget them. I will always love them, I will always thank God for them. They are a part of me. They will forever be etched in my heart.
Thank you Lord for being who you are . Thank you for showing your hand in my life.
It's hard to believe that today marks one year with out you.
One year since I held you.
One year since I've looked upon your sweet face.
One year since I said goodbye but never really saying it.
One year since you changed my life.
One year since I learned how much I could love one tiny soul so much.
One year since you've gone to heaven.
One year of holding on.
Holding on to how it felt to hold you.
Holding on to how much you looked more like me than your dad.
Holding on to the feeling of how it felt to Love someone more than I thought I ever could.
Holding on to this new me that I'd have never know had I not known you.
Holding on to the fact that though you're not here I could never really say goodbye.
Holding on the compassion that you have taught me.
Holding on to bittersweet memories of you.
It's hard to believe that it's been a year already. Sometimes it feels like yesterday. I love you more that words could ever describe and though this day a year ago was one of the hardest days in my life, I don't want to forget it. It has taught me so much , (even though it was hard to see in the beginning). I am stronger, I love deeper, I have compassion for others. I understand how valuable life is.
Though I only held you for a moment, I will hold you in my heart forever.
Mommy Loves you Camron Jaiden.
Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
I may never understand why you had to go, but I will trust God and believe that this will all work out for the good.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
For some reason, life being life i guess. I have been asked the question "Do you have anychildren?" and of course (well i guess) that's not the crazy part. The crazy part is the response i get when i answer. It goes a little something like this:
person: "So do you have any children?"
me: "yes but they passed."
person: "so you don't have any children?"
me: i pause with this look like didn't you understand what i just said.
then sometimes i say no which i would later kick myself for but i've found another answer that i like which is
which usually i just get a hmmmm or oh okay well nice talking to you.
It's like geesh! Just because my babies are no longer with me. I don't even care that xavien was not moving at all when she was born. DOES NOT MEAN that i don't have any children.
No they are no longer with me on this earth! No i can' t hold them in my arms. But i still send prayers to them on the wind, i still ask God to kiss them goodnight for me. They are still my children. It just hurts sometimes how people can devalue a life. I am not saying that it is done on purpose or anything like that, but! , it still hurts non the less.
I am a mother of two beautiful babies and i will always be!