Monday, April 5, 2010


For some reason, life being life i guess. I have been asked the question "Do you have anychildren?" and of course (well i guess) that's not the crazy part. The crazy part is the response i get when i answer. It goes a little something like this:
person: "So do you have any children?"
me: "yes but they passed."
person: "so you don't have any children?"
me: i pause with this look like didn't you understand what i just said.
then sometimes i say no which i would later kick myself for but i've found another answer that i like which is
"not living"
which usually i just get a hmmmm or oh okay well nice talking to you.
It's like geesh! Just because my babies are no longer with me. I don't even care that xavien was not moving at all when she was born. DOES NOT MEAN that i don't have any children.
No they are no longer with me on this earth! No i can' t hold them in my arms. But i still send prayers to them on the wind, i still ask God to kiss them goodnight for me. They are still my children. It just hurts sometimes how people can devalue a life. I am not saying that it is done on purpose or anything like that, but! , it still hurts non the less.
I am a mother of two beautiful babies and i will always be!
Loving my Angels


Tina said...

I hate being asked this question too. I never know how to answer without making the other person feel badly. It is just another thing we have to deal with. I am sorry people aren't more understanding. xx

DeniFay said...

Great post Grace, as it's so true! People don't know what to say, so they brush past it as if our babies never existed, but we know they did and we will continue to honor them with our love!! Sending you love and hugs!!!

The Blue Sparrow said...

This question feels like a punch in my stomache each time I get asked. I answer it differently depending on the day and depending on the person asking. I wish ppl would just be more sensitive sometimes. Im sorry that they werent very understanding. *HUGS*

Lori said...

Oh, friend...hating this feeling for you--I just DO NOT GET how people are so, well...casual, I guess with the deaths of children. It's just insane.

I know people often get uncomfortable when I tell them, "Yes, but he died a few months ago." but I don't care!!!! If you're going to ask me a question, be prepared for the answer! It's not like I'm really comfortable with my answer either because it STABS me in the heart!

I'm so, so sorry that person just doesn't have a clue but absolutely, positively you are a mother to two beautiful children. Just because some people would like to act as if that wasn't really the situation, doesn't mean they are right. They're not. There ARE absolutes in this world and you mothering two beautiful babies is ONE OF THEM!
Much love to you sweet one!

klarsen said...

You wish they could understand....but then again you don't. LOTS of love sweet Shandrea. xxx

Just Breathe said...

I am glad that you say that you do have children because I know that some mothers have trouble saying it because of the response they might get. Now why wouldn't someone say in respone to your answer: "I am so sorry for your loss" How could they say "So you don't have children" There are allot of people in this world who just don't get it and I am sorry about that. This world needs a big lesson on compassion.

Andrea said...

That is absolutely the most difficult question for my ears to hear. It hurts to answer, as I have no words. And, people often don't stop there...they press on and say "do you plan to have children?".

I agree with Just Breathe...a lesson in compassion would help.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Just know that "we" value Xavien and Camron...we honor them.

Much Love,
ps Ask God to kiss Christian good nigt too...xoxo. This post just makes me cry, it hurts to know you were hurt, again.

Lisa Brown said...

Yes ma'am. Praying...

Nan & Mike said...

I would like to be able to say that this comment was just from someone who is unfamiliar with the loss of a child and was taken aback by hearing of your losses, but their reply went way over the top for me and was just plain insensitive. We all do the best we can in explaining our situations, its all we can do, and hopefully we don't fall apart afterwards. Hugs and love always, Nan xxxooo

Kristie said...

I never let anyone take away from me the right to say I have 4 children. I have 2 here and 2 in heaven. Just like you ABSOLUTELY have 2 children! When this happens to me I make the most of the opportunity to teach them the value of my children's lives. That way they don't carry on their insensitivity to the next hurting momma. We'll change it... one ignorant comment at a time. I hope that by their encounter with you they are forever changed,

Andrea said...

That is such a difficult question, and so many people do not get it. I think it is asked with the intention of talking about our child/children, and when we say that they are not living, it throws them for a loop. It seems many don't even know how to gracefully continue the conversation. I know I am afraid of that question, I am still quite uncomfortable talking about my experiences with strangers that I know may not understand. Be optimistic though, there are others out there who will know just what to say. I came across one lady who did and she cried with me in the store. It is nice when someone understands the love we have for our children, and sees them as we do.

Holly said...

I don't understand why some people don't recognize babies who are no longer on this earth. They have value too!

Karen said...

I am so sorry that person responded the way they did...His/Her response was very insensitive.

You are so precious and have such a sweet, sweet heart. This made me very sad, because I know it stings.


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