Saturday, June 11, 2011

Sometimes you just wanna Scream

Hmmmmmmm where to start?

Well I decided to go ahead and take the phlebotomy class. And I guess that was a good call seeing that I won't have to worry about being pregnant at the time of the class.

So today was the first day and I guess I should have been prepared seeing as how it's always the day that everyone gets to hear a little bit about the others. So of course we go around the room and introduce ourselves and tell a little about ourselves. When it was my turn I didn't say much , just my name , age and how long I've been married. (I was not the first one to go)

All around me I heard names, ages, some were married and some where not, and of course I got to hear about the number of kids and some who were single parents with kids and one that was still naive and talked about how she wants kids, and then (insert SWIFT KICK in the GUT here) when she told them that the WHOLE class and I mean the WHOLE class, (of course except for me) told her how NO YOU SHOULD WAIT, and GIRL YOU DON'T WANT KIDS, and YOU'RE YOUNG GO HAVE FUN! and HOW MUCH TROUBLE THEY ARE and HOW MUCH OF YOUR TIME THEY TAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now of course I know that for her some of these things are true. She is young, yes children do take a lot of your time and yes she is young. BUT, it's just the fact that I had to be in the room to hear that. The fact that if I knew i'd be going through the things I'm going through now, I don't think I would have waited for what others thought was a good age. I think I honestly would have started trying sooner. Not saying that trying now is late, but if I'd have known the gravity of ttc, the effects that loss can have on you, the fact that not everyone gets to take home a baby.

and the most mind boggling thing is how people will say they are sorry to hear what has happened to you and then go on as though you never told them anyting.

case & point
I went to lunch with a few girls I met in class (this was before the formal intro's we had to make)
and of course the questions started, "what do you" "are you married" "do you have kid's?"
So of course when it came to me yes i'm married , I don't work, two step children (of course i should have talked about my babies, but I'm still navigating on how to do that) so one girl asks " do you want kids?" Me: yes but I've had 3 losses ( of course should have been more detailed , but I just couldn't ) Them: oh sorry to hear that

So fast forward we are back at school two girls who ate lunch with me go to the bathroom, I enter in after them girl 1. I don't know if i want kids (blah blah and some other stuff) girl 2: my husband wants us to try and I'm like uh uh not while i'm in school, I mean I don't even know if i want anymore (blah blah blah) and I knw this probably shouldn't bother me, but it does I mean maybe it's my fault b/c I didn't show how much my losses affected me or I didn't show how big of a deal losing my babies were to me, I don't know. But all I do know is that I hate to hear people talk about how much of a hassle their child or children are when I so badly want to be in their place, and I think jelousy sets in when i hear those that are still able to be naievely (sp?) hopeful about pregnancy being so easy. Whatever the reason is Sometimes I just want to SCREAM!

But because I've been such a downer lately I'll end on a positive note:

I had a friend tell me that right now maybe God is trying to get me to a certain place . and I'll admit at first it kind of sounded harsh to me for a split second, but with the things that are going on in my life at the moment, the may be (there is ) some truth to that.

1Cor 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.


cgd said...

The ways in which people without infertility or baby loss talk about having children or caring for their children is astounding to me. It is as they live on a different planet then we do. I am so sorry you had to hear that.
I know this for sure though, when you get your take home baby, you will NEVER say stuff like that, you will NEVER take that child for granted (even on the days when parenting them is driving you bonkers). Maybe that is the silver lining to all this.
Can you go over and to my friend Lis at - she just suffered her second loss of twins at 21 wks (lost a set of twins at 20 wks in the past). I think she would benefit so much from your grace and wisdom.
sending you love and peace, my friend.

Deni said...

I'm with you and I can't stand to hear people complain about their pregnancies either! I'd walk hot coals to bring home a healthy baby, so no, I don't give a crap if you're HOT, really?!?!? You're hot, well, your baby could be dead. Harsh I know, but that is our truth! I'm sorry you had to endure all of that and that you are hurting so badly when it seems to be happening for so many around you! I know God is taking you to a certain place, He has already moved you in so many ways and made you such a beacon of strength and grace to so many others, never forget that!!! So much love for your hurting heart! Wish I could take that pain from you and replace it with unbridled joy!

Brie said...

Thinking of you. Some of the situations we find ourselves in can be difficult.Hope you can navigate your way through the difficult comments and find enjoyment in your phlebotomy course. I actually looked into starting a course a few months back. I'm interested to see how you like it.

mrsnice777 said...


Debby@Just Breathe said...

It is very easy to be naive. It was actually very hard for me to believe the numbers of babies that pass each year when I had only known one woman who I had actually talked to about the death of her baby and I was maybe 40 at the time. That is why I think that baby loss should be talked about in a huge way and I tried to get Oprah to talk about it. People need to know these numbers. I hope you understand where I am coming from. The news will talk about death tolls after a tragic disaster yet the number of babies that pass each year just in the US in over 30,000!! Why isn't that on the news? I guess I got on my soapbox, sorry. You are always in my thoughts.

Andrea said...

Hello Sweet Friend,

I know how insensitive these comments sound, but honestly these people are so nieve, as they have never experienced loss and still walk in that land of baby bliss, etc.. And its sad that you had to endure that.

My advice, if it comes up again, let these people know that you have 3 beautiful angels in heaven. You DO in fact have children. It's hard to put it out there, but when we don't we suffer in silence. And you are much too precious to suffer like this. Sometimes we have to educate the masses and you never know whose heart you'll touch in doing so.

Best of luck on the class and cheers to you being a "vampire" LOL!

Much Love

Holly said...

Gosh, I hate it when people talk and act like that! I get that they don't know what loss is like so they have no clue but it still sucks.

It's not to late to talk about your babies to these people if you feel like you want to.

One of my friends believes what your friend told you.

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