Wednesday, June 15, 2011


It's funny (not really but hey the only expression i can think of right now to go with this post.) how IF and baby loss affects ones life. I never could have imagined the toll it would bring on my marriage. Here we are two years since our first loss to almost a year of our third loss and new issues that I never would have thought of have come up in the last month. I am grateful that we are holding on and surviving ( I say surviving because we are still going through things)(though I imagine we always will) . I am grateful for wonderful friends who see me through and give me the extra push I need because they love me.

But most of all the thing that gets me is how we (well not everybody, but I'm hoping I'm not the only one) begin to live our lives in two week increments or the like. Like I now have 2 ovulation apps on my ipod. as if one isn't enough (I guess i needed back up, for what I don't know, but I just felt comfortable with 2) and the crazy thing is I almost had 3 but I didn't like the other one I found. I think about how this last time I got pg (with tristen) how I was online frantically looking at ovulation counters, going to the store to buy OPK's to back up the counter and stocking up on a lifetime (okay not a lifetime, more than enough) pg tests. I remember pos (os =on sticks) a few days before and a few days after what the counter said to make sure that it was right. I remember the two week wait and how anxious I was (still am even now) to POAS at the slightest sign that I could be pg. Driving myself crazy with all the what ifs. when I got the bfp, I remember living my life week by week worrying if we were gonna make it to the next.
I remember at times when we were trying and the test was negative, I remember crying myself to sleep.

And even now not much has changed, as a matter of fact I think things may have gotten worse. Even when I know there is no chance of a bfp i still find myself hoping "well maybe it is, maybe I should just check" or (because my husband works away from home) I find myself planning sex for when hubby does get home. I mean who plans specific sex (i.e when, time (sometimes how many times) best position) . A baby loss mom / some one dealing with IF, that's who! I found myself at one point planning my life around possibly, hopefully, wishingly to one day have a baby. But thankfully I've realized that I can't live like that. So I plan but I don't let TTC hold me back from my other dreams ( okay not a lot, but hey I am making progress)

But I still find myself at times living in increments.

Sorry for the babbling and it may be a little confusing but it was on my mind and I had to get it out .


cgd said...

I think we have all been there, planning for sex is not fun at all and I personally think that IF has kidnapped my sex life and turned it into something completely different from what it used to be.
I am always thinking of you...

Brie said...

I hear ya Shandrea. My increments over the past year have been from Dr visit to Dr visit while dealing with assisted reproduction attempts, and we finally decided it was time for a break, yet i still found myself doing the math & counting.

Hang in there, and make sure your husband knows just how important he is to you, babies aside. The mean often get the backseat or forgotten on this quest to become a family. So much surrounds what we're going through, our bodies and the such--that i think it takes a large toll on their well being as well.

Deni said...

I hate the increments, the timing, the fun it steals from what used to be a super fun thing! Just sending you love and continuing to pray for you daily!!!

Amanda said...

It really does steal your life..I can remember driving an hour one way every other day for an entire summer just to get some blood work done or to get an seriously takes over your life, and when people tell you to just not think about it you can only laugh because you have to plan your life around ttc! None of this seems fair, and it is such a tough road to be on..IF, loss, etc..Just know that you are not alone and that I am praying for you! Much love to you..There are good things in your future are one of the strongest women I know..

Holly said...

I think a lot of people can relate to living in increments and it isn't fair at all.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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