Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Wave of Light and other ramblings...........

So lets see......... it's been a bit of a stretch since I last wrote and it's not that I haven't had anything to say as a matter of fact I think I've had too much swirling around, but I just haven't had the energy. So I'll start with Saturday Oct. 15 which was the Wave of Light Remembrance
I've been celebrating this day for 2 years now and though this time things are a little different makes this no less special.

I think many believe that being pregnant again replaces all that you go through when you lose a child. But it just isn't so. Yes I'm pregnant again, but if you don't know me personally, or don't read my blog then you would never have known, because my house is empty except for the keepsakes of 3 beautiful angels that I was able to carry for a short while. To the world outside of loss I am just another person. But to those who know, who understand , I am a mother.

So yes I'm tired, and yes I'm nauseated and yes my belly has begun to grow, but
I remember
the heartache, the shattered soul, the tears, the sleepless nights, I remember the quiet after giving birth, no baby crying, no congratulations, just silence, just hurt , just pain, just questions...........
I remember
babies gone before and after mine, parents grieving there lost children, families sometimes broken
Yes I am beyond thankful to be where I am at this moment, I am beyond thankful for the peace of mind that God has given me, I am thankful for his faitfulness that even though there were times I felt like it, he has never left me and I am thankful that I remember where I once was, I remember how it felt, I can still hold myself together, I have known a love like no other I am simply thankful

In this journey I know that a lot of times for a lot of people that faith is shaken and sometimes lost. But I am grateful that though I was shaken at one point, and though I at times wanted to stop believing, that God wouldn't let me. I will always remember what happened but I will also remember that I am surviving and that just amazes me. My God never ceases to amaze me. I can remember being pregnant with xavien and being scared to move and of course it is said that all pregnancies are different which in turn is true but after loss it's hard for anxiety to be different, but for me this time it is. Yes I have my moments but they are just that, moments. It's like when fear tries to creep in God doesn't let it. He instead reminds me of his promises and of his word. I can't even explain it, I mean of course sometimes things creep in , but I don't dwell on them (and there was once a time that i did). But his peace has been surrounding me. It's just unexplainable and I know it may sound like I'm rambling but right now this is the best way I can describe it. I am just glad that I held on to the sliver of faith that I had. I am thankful that he has grown that faith into what it is now and I am blessed because I know that it can only get better.


Lisette said...

I haven't really been blogging either and I am trying to get better and catch up and thank goodness because I was able to read this exciting news for you. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
It is true, faith can be shaken and lost for some but for others like you and I it has been the only thing that has kept me sane. Wishing you all the best always, God bless you!!!
You are a wonderful mommy.

Ann said...

So beautiful! I am praying that this baby comes home after a full term pregnancy so you can tell him/her about ALL of the babies you have carried and love. I pray that this peace continues for you! God is so good!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

So happy for you and thankful for the peace that God is giving you. Love the rainbow!

Post a Comment