Monday, November 28, 2011

Itchy Fingers

No it's not a symptom I'm currently experiencing. At least not in the literally sense anyways. It's the only way that I can express how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm itching to buy something for this baby, but there's the nagging feeling in the back of my mind saying that I should wait until I reach 18wks at least, and granted that's only one week from now as I'm 17wks today. But it's not an omen like feeling it's a feeling of having loss , the feeling of remembering what's happened three times before, the feeling of now knowing that BFP doesn't =baby at the end of 9months. And I don't like it one bit. I know that I can't beat myself up because it comes with the territory, but it also wars with what I feel in my heart, what I know in my mind, that this baby WILL make it all the way.

So why can't I just roll with the punches and be happy. Why can't I just pick up what I like in a store when I see something, why do I have to second guess wanting to buy something for my baby. Why , why, why ! ( I know that sounded like a temper tantrum, and I guess it was a small one, but that's how I feel)

My Bishop at my church once said that "to have faith, you have to see it without seeing it." and that's what I've been doing. I've pictured myself holding my son, I've pictured his crib, the colors furniture and decorations, I've even pictured my baby shower and a registry.

But though I have such a burning in my bones to do so, I can't bring myself to make a purchase that I so badly want to make.
So I am stuck, stuck between buying or waiting, waiting or buying, going out on a limb to make a purchase only to have my heart crushed once again or actually getting to use what I buy.

But I knew this was a risk when I got pregnant again right? and that's the biggest risk of all isn't it? I mean what's the loss in clothes compared to the loss of a child right?

Part of me says that I should enjoy this time to the fullest. To not look back and regret not getting ready for this baby or not picking up something I really wanted for him. I mean God has already blessed my family abundantly, yes there have been heart wrenching and soul shattering moments, but there has also been good, even great times. And I have no reason to doubt that God is able, because I know he's able, but the question still remains.....................

To scratch or not to scratch?

I'm thinking I just may scratch ;O)

( hmmmmmmmmmm and who says talking to yourself is not normal?)


Brie said...

I totally get what you're saying..I held out until 30 weeks, as if that was some magic date before allowing myself to feel like I deserved to buy our expected son anything. That's so wrong, yet I couldn't (and still) grasp that he's deserved my excitement all along. The doubt will eat you alive if you let it- but for women like you and me, with no other experience other than multiple losses, it's a hard mindset to break free from. Looking back, I wish I would have let myself enjoy the pregnancy a little more guilt free-like everyone else out there.

I say, do whatever feels right to you..don't worry about jinxing your luck...worry about the silly things, like what's my baby going to wear home from the hospital? If only that were our biggest worries, right? Hang in there. Every day pregnant is one day closer.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

You have to remain positive and I say buy your boy what he needs. That doesn't mean I don't understand your fears, I do. ((HUGS))

Lori said...

SCRATCH! I get you (I held onto receipts for everything!) of course...but want you to SCRATCH! I think the thing with Luke was that even if the worst happened, I wanted to enjoy and cherish every single second of his life...*I* wanted to live as if he was going to LIVE...and didn't want to look back and see that I was living as if he would not. Of course, I know that it's far easier for me to say that ... so you do whatever you need to do...but I hope it's SCRATCH!

Ann said...

I totally understand what you're feeling. I have not had multiple losses like yourself, and I still have NOT purchased anything for our baby girl. I am 26 weeks now, and still nothing bought. Many people have given us gifts for her, but I haven't been able to buy anything yet. Just do what feels right for you. Know that I am thinking of you and your son:)

Nan & Mike said...

You aren't alone sweetie, u know how long it took me...I think I was 30 weeks wheni broke down in the dept store with my mom and had to run we bought some stuff online instead,little by whatever u feel comfortable with....and nowthat autumn is here I spoil her :) lifting u up xxxooo

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