I know that yesterday was Christmas and that this should probably be a happy post, but as of this moment I'm just not in that place. I mean yesterday and the 4 days before were awesome and I truly mean that. I had family start coming in on Wednesday and I enjoyed it because I'd missed them so much. Church was amazing Sunday. I wasn't at all worried about gifts. It did me good to see my family smile and have a good time. I was really just thankful. Thankful for what the season is really about. The Savior's birth, because had he not been born, he wouldn't have died and rose again that I may live.
But today,
today is different. I guess it's just my emotions taking over. My family has returned home and I am here alone. ( I don't mention on my blog, but without going into detail the hubs is often away because of his job) and I don't know maybe it's hormones, (more than likely it is) because I cry at the drop of a dime over the simplest things. They haven't been gone a full 24 hours and I wish I could have went with them for a bit. Well I finally got over that after a long nap.
Well hubby calls and we talk and it's not even an argument just him telling me some things that need to be done and here I am a blubbering mess again. I promise it's not even anything to cry about, but here I am crying and I can't seem to stop. And then I cry because I'm upset that I can't stop crying, and I cry as I type this , because well, I don't want to cry.
I mean I have so much to be thankful for. Yes I've had trials and hard times and heart break, but I know that my life could be so much worse. I mean no I don't think there's anything worse than the loss of a child but I know that so much more could have come on top of that, but hasn't. I have food, I have shelter , I have clothes, and much more that I could name, but yet here I sit in a woe is me mood and it sucks. Though after I finish this post I will probably want to kick myself for even writing this ( which to me equals saying it or admitting it aloud in a way) but I also know that if I don't it will eat away at me and I'll cry even more.
I just hate when I let a wonderful time get overshadowed by what I'm feeling at the moment. ugh.......................................
But hey the tears are subsiding already so I guess my writing is doing the job. So to end on a brighter note I will say that through whatever I'm feeling I am thankful for the little flutters and kicks that baby boy is giving me letting me know he's there.
3-6-9... 10 years later
5 years ago
8 comments:
Sending some love your way! Tomorrow is a new day, and I hope it brings you some peace. XO
I'm sorry love. I am also bummed to be surrounded by family for a long weekend only to be thrust back in to the daily grind. I think it is natural. Add those crazy pregnancy hormones & you are bound to shed some tears. Do not beat yourself up or feel bad. Cry when you feel you need to. I'll be praying for you.
Hey sweet girl, text me when you wake up. Ultimately know that we are all behind you and with you in spirit...and love you very much. I know this has got to be so hard and I hope writing it did make you feel better...xxxooo Nan
I think what you're feeling is normal. You have no control over it. Cry as much as you need and let it out. You have a lot to be thankful for, but it's okay to be sad too. I am sending love your way and I hope you feel better:)
(((((major hugz))))) for my Shandrea!
Jamie
Writing always helps. I haven't been through anything like you have and I have found myself in tears a lot lately. I think the holidays are very emotional. I work so hard to put it all together for my family and I know they love it but when it is over a depression sets in. It is often hard to focus on the good stuff and you have something so amazing to look forward to.
((HUGS))
Awe honey, bless your heart...its hard to be surrounded by all that love and support and then everyone pack up and go and be alone again. Its hard! And, add those pregnancy hormones to the mix...well, cue the tears! I cried all the time!
Here's to hoping you are feeling better today. Much love and forever hugs.
Andrea
I just recently found your blog and, I just wanted to say that being sad doesn't mean that your no longer thankful. Pregnancy after loss is never easy and, being alone when all you need is closeness is hard in itself as well. You're dealing with a lot of stress and pressure, so it's ok to cry if you need to. Tears are healing too sometimes. #Sending healing thoughts your way.
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