Tricked Myself

I think for a moment I'd tricked myself into thinking that if AF came next month then i'd be okay with that. But as the time nears i'm caught in between. Part of me wants to see a BFP asap and part of me is thinking that i should wait a bit. There's that word again, that word that i cannot stand but can't seem to avoid b/c of course in this new normal that seems to be one of the only sure choices i have is to........WAIT, not matter how long or short the wait is. But i am not sure if it is because some around me IRL think that i should wait or that i maybe once felt that I should. Any who, all i know now is that as it nears time for AF to appear I am more and more of a ball of mixed emotions. But i am thankful that God is my source. I know that whatever happens he is with me. I was reassured of it in sunday school as we studied these verses:

Isaiah 43

1But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine. 2 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall flame kindle upon thee. 3 For I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, thy Saviour: I gave Egypt for thy ransom, Ethiopia and Seba for thee.

and yes he was talking to Egypt at the time, but to know that promises of God and to know that as he was there for them and with them that he is here for me and with me. So as I'm on this momentary dip of this ratchet rollercoaster that doesn't seem to want to let me off I will still hope in He who strengthens me and snuggle in the comfort of knowing that He is with me.