Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Random

So tomorrow I go to have this cerclage removed. I am hoping that it's not painful and i am hoping that it's over quick. I'm also hoping to have some answers. Like how can it still be there but my baby isn't. and if it's gonna even be possible for me to carry a baby to term? My morning started off so nice today and then i began thinking about all of this crap and down it went.

I am just hurt. Truly truly hurt. So many things going through my mind. How Cams due date is in two days. How had I not failed him and he made it, he would be turning 1. How i miss him. How i miss them. How i am jealous that so many have been blessed with what I want so badly. I have cousins younger than me not even over the age of 21 who are pg . One who has a son that just turned 1 and is pg with another baby due at the end of this year. not married , father is not involved, barely making it and yet she has what i want and it all seems so unfair.

What if i can't carry a child to term. What if I would need someone to carry my baby for me? would i be able to do it? Honestly I don't want to find out. I know that right now it may seem selfish , but at this moment this is where i am . I want to carry my child i want to see my belly grow, I want to feel his or her kicks. Right now sucks. I have no happy after thoughts. right now i am just stuck in my own self pity. I'm stuck with the what if's and why's and hows. I hear people complaining about being pg and i get angry b/c i'd love to have that problem. I welcome it with open arms.

but i don't have that problem. My problem is a stupid cerclage that i have to go and have removed now, that i'm hoping and prayin hasn't left and infection as i have been having cramps lately. But i will do like this blog that i got from Deni's page and praise him anyway. As i know that things could be a lot worse and that God has brought me through so much already.


Loving My Angels

7 comments:

Antoinette said...

Oh sweetie....I am praying for you tomorrow...I have those same questions for you as well....I HOPE it isnt painful either, but like i have discovered after I lost Alyssa...physical pain is nothing compared to the pain my heart feels....Thanks for being there for me, you are a great friend.

I can relate to the people who shouldnt have kids having them. There was a teenager, hs drop out who decided AFTER she was 5 months pregnant to inform her family so they couldnt force an A...I wont even soil this page with the word. I found out she was pregnant a week before Alyssa died. her baby was just born, based on what I 'hear' she cant hold it, feed it, take care of it cause she is that incompetent and I like to think that there is a plan for everyone that I just dont know about yet, but I found it difficult to imagine SHE would be better at this than me **sigh*.....I hope you can get some answers. I keep reading about the 'TAC', is that an option for you?? Good luck tomorrow!

DeniFay said...

My sweet Grace, you said what is on my heart as well! Love you! Thank you for sharing mine and we will wake up to better days. I'm praying for no pain, for some answers for you (and me), and for your rainbow baby to make his or her appearance here asap! It is so hard to see and hear about people with children who have no business having them, who don't have the loving families to offer that we do, and yet they keep getting what we so desparately want!! Please let me know how you are tomorrow!

klarsen said...

I'm always praying for you Shandrea. How I wish it wasn't as it isfor you, too---and I TRULY don't understand. Sending you my love and prayers xo

Tabitha said...

Sending you love and prayers.

Brie said...

Thinking of you today.

Stephanie said...

Thinking of you and sending you a HUG!

Michele said...

Oh honey... Hugs and many prayers...

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