So today i went in to have my cerclage removed. I was surprisingly optimistic about going in ( i have no idea why) but that changed a little upon arival. I didn't have the luck today of seeing no bellies when i went in. There were actually two and one of them were on the phone. Talking rather loudly and annoying might i add. So to drown her out i pulled out the ipod and listened to music while playing a game. Finally i was called back. I gave a urine sample and then I was weighed. I now weigh 135 ! woo hoo! 9 lbs down and i'd like to lose 10 more(not sure if that's gonna happen though) but that was the best part of my appt.
The removal was easy. I had very little cramping and that was while he was removing the cerclage. He told me that they didn't do it in the hospital b/c they wanted to the cervix healed first. So i then asked what happened and how did i lose my baby.
He said that my cervix had first shortened some, but it also thinned out alot and then i'd dialated enough for the baby to come through. who would have thought it would have been so hard to listen to him telling me this. It took all i had to hold in the tears. He said that the next time. if i chose there to be a next time that he would like to put in a cerclage before i get pg. That this time he would do a double instead of a single, not one on top of the other but one above and one below. He also said that he'd use a different material (can't remember the materials though) and also some kind of tape that they use (can't rember that either)(i know my memory is sucking bad right now). He said with all that done the longest i'd probably be able to carry is between 27 and 29 wks which would be good but great if i could make it to 30, but they'd shoot to at least 27 to 29. Needless to say that i was a mess and just felt hopeless about everything. If i want a TAC i will have to look up doctors that do those. But i'm not even sure that I want that anymore. I mean if i have a weak cervix in general and it's thinning before i even dialate what good is that gonna do. Who knows. So after a little more talking ( sorry i don't feel like typing it all) i was given and antibiotic and told to call them when i have decided what i'd like to do. I got in my car and cried for like 10min. I just felt hopeless. I don't even know why really. It's not like he said that i can't ever try again or that he advised against it right. But i am on the verge of giving up. I don't know that i can take another chance of losing another precious life. I felt cursed and abandoned. I sat and wondered what is it all for. I do my best to live right, to walk a straight path and yet all i see at the end is hurt. I just want a little piece of something to hold on to. And if there is a solution, a definate solution to me carrying my baby to term then i'd like to find it and find it soon.
But yet I find that in my despair and fussing at God he still sends me his love , he still sends me a comfort even when i'm a little mad at him. My BFF called me on my home and talked to me and really gave me encouragement. Just the simple fact of her telling me "i don't understand what you're going through, but you can't give up" helped me. Just for her listening to me and talking to me and not just giving me ackward silence was a help. Because of her my heart was made lighter. Because of her this post is not all doom and gloom. Thank you and I love you D.
But, i still cannot say where i stand. i so badly want children. I so badly want to carry a chiled created by my husband and I , but i don't know that i can try again. Right now i am just lost and don't know what i'm going to do. So for now i will just continue
Loving My Angels