Wednesday, September 8, 2010

The removal

So today i went in to have my cerclage removed. I was surprisingly optimistic about going in ( i have no idea why) but that changed a little upon arival. I didn't have the luck today of seeing no bellies when i went in. There were actually two and one of them were on the phone. Talking rather loudly and annoying might i add. So to drown her out i pulled out the ipod and listened to music while playing a game. Finally i was called back. I gave a urine sample and then I was weighed. I now weigh 135 ! woo hoo! 9 lbs down and i'd like to lose 10 more(not sure if that's gonna happen though) but that was the best part of my appt.
The removal was easy. I had very little cramping and that was while he was removing the cerclage. He told me that they didn't do it in the hospital b/c they wanted to the cervix healed first. So i then asked what happened and how did i lose my baby.
He said that my cervix had first shortened some, but it also thinned out alot and then i'd dialated enough for the baby to come through. who would have thought it would have been so hard to listen to him telling me this. It took all i had to hold in the tears. He said that the next time. if i chose there to be a next time that he would like to put in a cerclage before i get pg. That this time he would do a double instead of a single, not one on top of the other but one above and one below. He also said that he'd use a different material (can't remember the materials though) and also some kind of tape that they use (can't rember that either)(i know my memory is sucking bad right now). He said with all that done the longest i'd probably be able to carry is between 27 and 29 wks which would be good but great if i could make it to 30, but they'd shoot to at least 27 to 29. Needless to say that i was a mess and just felt hopeless about everything. If i want a TAC i will have to look up doctors that do those. But i'm not even sure that I want that anymore. I mean if i have a weak cervix in general and it's thinning before i even dialate what good is that gonna do. Who knows. So after a little more talking ( sorry i don't feel like typing it all) i was given and antibiotic and told to call them when i have decided what i'd like to do. I got in my car and cried for like 10min. I just felt hopeless. I don't even know why really. It's not like he said that i can't ever try again or that he advised against it right. But i am on the verge of giving up. I don't know that i can take another chance of losing another precious life. I felt cursed and abandoned. I sat and wondered what is it all for. I do my best to live right, to walk a straight path and yet all i see at the end is hurt. I just want a little piece of something to hold on to. And if there is a solution, a definate solution to me carrying my baby to term then i'd like to find it and find it soon.
But yet I find that in my despair and fussing at God he still sends me his love , he still sends me a comfort even when i'm a little mad at him. My BFF called me on my home and talked to me and really gave me encouragement. Just the simple fact of her telling me "i don't understand what you're going through, but you can't give up" helped me. Just for her listening to me and talking to me and not just giving me ackward silence was a help. Because of her my heart was made lighter. Because of her this post is not all doom and gloom. Thank you and I love you D.
But, i still cannot say where i stand. i so badly want children. I so badly want to carry a chiled created by my husband and I , but i don't know that i can try again. Right now i am just lost and don't know what i'm going to do. So for now i will just continue
Loving My Angels

9 comments:

Andrea said...

My Precious Friend,

I am so very sorry that you are suffering this trauma. Like your friend, I don't completely understand...but I echo her in telling you that you can not give up. I'm sure you look inward and ask yourself "how much more can I endure?". And I fully understand that question. I understand your pain and I wish that I could erase it and give you the miracle that you so deserve.

Today, as I was assessing my own situation and contemplating the "what if's" of my own journey I looked to you and said to myself, "if Shandrea can continue to keep walking after all that she has been through, then so can I". I find strength in you and admire your great faith. Yes, you are normal and I know that you struggle, but I call you Grace for so many reasons. However, if you feel that you want to scream, throw a tantrum or just vent, then by all means, DO IT and I will be here to listen or soothe your heart in any way that I can.

I'm sorry that you had to endure a rude prego girl that was loud. I cried as I read this whole post because I relate to that. As I sat there grieving my loss, there was a couple texting their baby's gender and another couple oohing an coohing over an u/s photo. And there I sat, broken hearted and longing for what seemed so easy for so many.

My road is still broken in so many ways and I suppose it always will be to an extent. But, if I have learned anything along this journey it's to never give up and never give in. I can not tell you what to do or what I think you should do, but I can tell you this....

I WILL PRAY & I WILL LIFT YOU UP!

The love that you have shown me is immeasurable and I appreciate your friendship beyond words. I pray that you can rest tonight. Take some time to absorb the advisement of your Dr and perhaps seek a second opinion, as it couldn't hurt. I know that you are sick of tests and being prodded on *sigh*

Above and beyond anything else, I am here for you. Just as you have been for me. We will get through this next step honey, I promise. Your Fab 5 will nor forsake you.

Much love and I am sending you some sunshine to weather today's storm. Praying for a new day tomorrow, one with promise.

xxxxx
andrea

Andrea said...

Sweetest Friend,

I am so very sorry that you endured such a hard day today. Like your friend, I don't know what you are going through, but I offer you love and many prayers.

Take some time to absorb what the Dr. told you, as you don't have to feel pressured to make a decision. I can't tell you what to do, nor can anyone else. You are the only one who knows what is right for you and I am going to pray that you receive answers that soothe your heart.

Today, as I was contemplating my own situation and feeling anxious I thought of you. I said to myself "if Shan can go through all that she has endured, so can I". I found peace in the moment thinking of you and how I admire you on so many levels. You are such a blessing to me.

Above and beyond anything else, remember this: The Fab 5 will not forsake you! We are here for you and we will travel this next leg of the journey with you. Take your time and gather your information, maybe get a second opinion and then move forward when you are ready. I'm so sorry that you are going thru so much of this alone honey, its just not fair. But, I can tell you this, you are a trooper, never negative or mean, but just sweet. And I guess that is what I love about you...you're real. A real child of God who is such a example to so many.

Know that i am always here for you. And I am lifting you up and calling you by name...hurting with you and crying tears right along with you, as it hurts me when someone I care so much about is hurting so deeply.

Sending you some sunshine to weather this storm. May tomorrow be better than today.

xxxxx
andrea

Andrea said...

okay, so my first post was cutt off and now it published...so you get a double post from me.

xxx

Marie W said...

Oh Shandrea, I have been right where you are. A few months ago I wrote a post about courage (check it out when you get a chance). Know that I am praying for you and your husband.

DeniFay said...

Shannie, I'm just sending you love and prayers! I don't think that you can give up either, but I know that right now you just need some time to absorb everything. I love you and am sending you hugs!

Angie H said...

dear Shandrea !

I think I can understand your fear of trying again I feel that fear too , I dont want to get my hope up just to see it crushed.
It takes so much energy out of you to loose hope for a healthy earthly baby again.
Only you can decide in your heart if you can take the risk again .
Take some time to think about it and talk about it with Robert , take some time to heal before you decide .You dont have to decide now.
It sounds like your doctor didnt discourage you and that he had some more things to offer for next time if you decide to try again .
I guess it will not be easy for you to cope with the next pregnancy if you decide to try as I know it was difficult for me to relax and hope for the best the second time but I know you have great faith and you always inspire me with your faith so I believe that if anyone can make it that will be you .
I keep praying for you for guidance and help to make the right decision .
Love - Angie

Antoinette said...

((hugs)) and **tears** with you....I wish I can say that i had this crystal ball and in this ball i see EVERYTHING and that we finally get our peace and happiness...but i dont..and sometimes I try and 'find' the faith and courage...but sweetie I am going to tell you something that has been told to me, in order to get that gift, you have to risk your heart. That would mean doing this again...Hearing him tell you that made me want to cry, and im a little shocked you didnt. that was VERY detailed and you are still so fresh out of your loss...im praying SO HARD for you today...im sorry that its not an easy path...but i dont want you to give up..in the end this is what you have to decide...and i support you all the way

Michele said...

sending love and prayers...

waiting41infla said...

Sending you tons of hugs and prayers. I know there are no words that will take the hurt away or give you the answers that you seek. I am here for you and I believe in you and I support you 100%.

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