Sunday, August 15, 2010

Sleep

Tonight sleep eludes me. I close my eyes hoping for sleep to come, but it doesn't.
I remember being in the room with my sister when my niece was born. I remember hearing her cry for the first time. Then i remember camron being born and how silent the room was except for my cries. I remember xavien and tristen. How i longed to heart their cries letting me know they were okay. But I didn't, just my own sobs. And now i can't close my eyes because the tears won't stop. The pain won't go away. This is a moment i wish would go away. I wish i could just be numb. I wish i could sleep. Next month is Camron's due date. Had I made it to Sept 9 he would be a year old next month. I think of my niece and all the things she does and then i think of what my cam would be doing right now. I think of how close they would be. I think of summers going to get my niece so she could hang out with her favorite cousin. I think of betting with my sister of who would be walking first, would their first words be the same. would they be like my sister and i calling our mom by her first name at some point. Then again i'm crying. crying for what could have been. For what isn't and for the things i wish were. it's moments like these that makes it so hard to stay encouraged.

I'm tired , so very tired, but sleep won't find me.

9 comments:

Lori said...

Praying for nights where you are able to escape, if only for a little bit, and be wrapped in nothing but peace that passes all understanding.
xoxoxo

Kristie said...

Shandrea, I'm praying for you today, thinking of all the beautiful things you have shared to lift up my heart, and hoping that you will find rest and encouragement today in your heart.

Love you sending you a {{{BIG hug}}}

cgd said...

I am thinking of you as Cam's should have been birthday approaches. I know for me i took ambien for a while when I couldn't sleep, espeically right after we lost our baby. I don't take it too often now, but it is comforting to know that it is there if I need it again. wishing you a good night's sleep very very soon. Sending love your way....

Andrea said...

Oh honey, I am crying reading your words...because I know that painful unrest. The nights that I would lay awake and my mind would torment me with memories and questions of the unknown. It was torture.

I will be praying for peace to find you and for restful sleep to return. When you find yourself in this place, know that your FAB 5 are here for you, always, day or night. Call on us honey...

Sending you so much love today.

xoxox

Antoinette said...

(((((bear hugs)))))) i know those sleepless nights all too well....allow yourself to cry for the tears are liquid love, it is the only affection you can show your babies...talking, crying and remembering that is what we can do for them. I cant imagine seeing your niece who is the same age...its heartbreaking to say the least for me to read all the dreams and hopes you had for them two..be gentle with yourself sweetie...xoxoxo....i try to watch a comforting movie before bed, like the disney movies that i love...it did help with the nightmares, not always but sometimes

Stephanie said...

I too am praying for peace for you.

Tabitha said...

Just sending love and prayers.

Andrea said...

Sending you love and hoping for a clear and peaceful mind. I understand all too well how thoughts can cloud and overtake the mind in the wee hours...it can be so hard...so hard. You WILL get through this and I'm hoping for the best for you as you move forward. Love and hugs XOXO

waiting41infla said...

We wish we didn't feel the pain or emptiness and I am sorry you could not sleep last night. Special thoughts and prayers for you tonight.

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