Tonight sleep eludes me. I close my eyes hoping for sleep to come, but it doesn't.
I remember being in the room with my sister when my niece was born. I remember hearing her cry for the first time. Then i remember camron being born and how silent the room was except for my cries. I remember xavien and tristen. How i longed to heart their cries letting me know they were okay. But I didn't, just my own sobs. And now i can't close my eyes because the tears won't stop. The pain won't go away. This is a moment i wish would go away. I wish i could just be numb. I wish i could sleep. Next month is Camron's due date. Had I made it to Sept 9 he would be a year old next month. I think of my niece and all the things she does and then i think of what my cam would be doing right now. I think of how close they would be. I think of summers going to get my niece so she could hang out with her favorite cousin. I think of betting with my sister of who would be walking first, would their first words be the same. would they be like my sister and i calling our mom by her first name at some point. Then again i'm crying. crying for what could have been. For what isn't and for the things i wish were. it's moments like these that makes it so hard to stay encouraged.
I'm tired , so very tired, but sleep won't find me.
Thankful for poop on the floor!
5 weeks ago