1 Month

Today Aug. 3 2010 marks exactly one month since i had to say goodbye to Tristen. It feels like yesterday. It's amazing how time seems to fly at times and then others it just drags by.

If you ask my body, swollen breasts (which have just now started to seem as if there will be no more milk flowing), a dark line going down the center of my stomach, and a poochy belly, would tell you that Tristen is still here.

If you ask my heart, it would say the same. Though not physically. It would tell you that i still feel his kicks sometimes, that i still see his face, that i still feel the pain of delivering him, that the hurt of having to say goodbye is still here. He is in my mind, my heart, my soul, my DNA.

if you ask the world, they would say he is gone, some may not even count him as a person, they would say that i should be happy by now and back to my "normal" self.


I miss him. I miss him with every fiber of my being. I sit and wonder if it is possible to die from heartbreak b/c sometimes that's what it feels like. It feels like i am slowly dying.
It amazes me how i can be in a room filled with people but still be lonely. But then i'm not amazed because no matter who you're in a room with, if it's not who you want then everyone else may as well be invisible.

Lord,

I am trying with all my might to hold on. I am tired, i am hurting and i am weary. I need you now. I am crumbling, please please please put me back together soon.


Unto thee will I cry, O Lord my rock; be not silent to me: lest, if thou be silent to me, i become like them that go down into the pit. Hear the voice of my supplications, when i cry unto thee, when i lift up my hands toward thy holy oracle. Psalm28:1-2