Tuesday, August 3, 2010

1 Month

Today Aug. 3 2010 marks exactly one month since i had to say goodbye to Tristen. It feels like yesterday. It's amazing how time seems to fly at times and then others it just drags by.

If you ask my body, swollen breasts (which have just now started to seem as if there will be no more milk flowing), a dark line going down the center of my stomach, and a poochy belly, would tell you that Tristen is still here.

If you ask my heart, it would say the same. Though not physically. It would tell you that i still feel his kicks sometimes, that i still see his face, that i still feel the pain of delivering him, that the hurt of having to say goodbye is still here. He is in my mind, my heart, my soul, my DNA.

if you ask the world, they would say he is gone, some may not even count him as a person, they would say that i should be happy by now and back to my "normal" self.


I miss him. I miss him with every fiber of my being. I sit and wonder if it is possible to die from heartbreak b/c sometimes that's what it feels like. It feels like i am slowly dying.
It amazes me how i can be in a room filled with people but still be lonely. But then i'm not amazed because no matter who you're in a room with, if it's not who you want then everyone else may as well be invisible.

Lord,

I am trying with all my might to hold on. I am tired, i am hurting and i am weary. I need you now. I am crumbling, please please please put me back together soon.


Unto thee will I cry, O Lord my rock; be not silent to me: lest, if thou be silent to me, i become like them that go down into the pit. Hear the voice of my supplications, when i cry unto thee, when i lift up my hands toward thy holy oracle. Psalm28:1-2

11 comments:

The Blue Sparrow said...

My heart is breaking for you Shandrea! I wish that I could crawl through this screen to get to you and give you the biggest hug ever known to man! I am making you top priority on my prayer list tonight! (((HUGS)))

Stephanie said...

I remember those feeling all too well. I am praying that you find some rest and peace.

Lori said...

Praying, praying, praying, praying and praying more for you.

Lord, please just wrap this sweet girl in your arms and give her Your peace and comfort...I beg you to take her in Your arms this very second and let her know You are there.

Shandrea...sending you so much love.

Just Breathe said...

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

Antoinette said...

i often wonder the same things about being able to die of a broken heart...its so heart to imagine those "kicks" (uterus shrinking) as not being the babies...((hugs)) i am praying for you my friend xoxo

heathermohr said...

Sending hugs and prayers. (((hugs)))

Annie said...

So sorry you are having to go through this yet again. Keeping you in my prayers!

cgd said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I imagine the pain of losing ths baby is so new, not to mention the years of pain you have already endured. Your strength and faith is amazing. I do not think I could find my way to that.
Sending love your way.

Tabitha said...

Sending you love and praying for comfort and peace.

Jennifer Ross said...

I can't even imagine having to say good bye to three children. My hearts breaks for you, over and over agian Shandrea.

Love and prayers to you...

Nan & Mike said...

Always in my prayers sweet friend, I can't believe its been a month already. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts, emotions and heart with us all, I hope you feel lifted in prayers and know that we all love you so much. Our angels are together and are so loved. xxx

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