I know I know it's been a while since I've written anything and I wish I could say that this was gonna be a post about jace and how he's grown and all the wonderful things he's doing. But it's not. Tonight is about thinking that you aren't as affected by this journey as you once were, that sad as it is, you are a pro at this and you have it under control that you will handle things better than you did when it was fresh, and then out of nowhere it hits you and you're in pieces again like you were the first and or second time. Tonight as I held my rainbow in my arms a picture of me holding and saying goodbye to my second angel popped up in my head. Next month will make 3yrs in heaven and I miss her like it was only yesterday that held her and cried and told her goodbye.

I miss her, I wish she and all of them could be here with me. My heart is full and it's heavy and I don't know what to do at this moment except let the tears flow..............

I love and miss you Xavien so very much.

2yrs

If a stranger were to see me today holding this beautiful baby boy in my arms while he looks up at me with smiles and giggles they would have no idea that two years ago today was a very different story. Instead of warmth laughter and joy there were tears heartache and sorrow. Because after three days of trying to hold on my body finally failed me, let go and I had to say goodbye to my third angel.  To years ago my baby boy Tristen was born into heaven. And today I miss him terribly. My heart is heavy as look at my youngest baby boy and wonder how much he would resemble you and your siblings in heaven.  I sit sometimes and wish that I  could have you all hear with me.  Though you are far away you are yet so close because I will hold you in my heart forever. No matter who forgets I will remember  that I have three boys and one daughter, and today Tristen I remember you and how I loved you when I  first knew about you, how much more I loved you when I felt you move and how far in love grew when I first saw your tiny body and how I love you even the more as I think of you today.  

Forever Loving my Angels

Wow! It has been a while since I posted and the last post wasn't a vey happy one. Well to say the least I have been busy. But I am loving it. Jace makes everyday worth it and I am so thankful to have him here in my arms living breathing and growing. I can't believe how time flies now. He is almost 3months and haas gone from 3lbs at birth to now weighing in at a little over 9lbs is just amazing to me. So I will just leave this post with a few pictures of my prince.

Minutes after being born

NICU days

Finally going home

First day home. Just getting in the house

Bath Time

Photo time with mommy

Loving him so much

What do you do?

What do you do when you thought the brunt of you grief was over. What do you do when it sneaks up on  you once again in a way that you were never expecting, in a way you aren't' expecting. What do you do when for a moment you feel like you are back at the beginning of the very first day of your very first loss. What do you do when that feeling is brought to you by the one you never new was hurting in such a way. 


It's amazing ( in a crazy way) what loss and grief does to a person, a woman, but not just a woman, a wife, girlfriend, significant other,  a mother of a baby born into heaven, but also a man, a husband, a father of a baby born into heaven. But not just these individual beings but a couple, a marriage.


I didn't understand the toll that it would take on us. I don't understand the toll it's taking on us.
My husband is hurting and now, just now, 3 years after our first loss I am finding out that it still affects him just as much today as the day it happened. I am still finding that I am hurting to much to be a great help in his healing. We are two people hurting from loss trying to figure out how to become one again.


I wish I could say that losing our babies have brought us closer together. And there was a time that I thought that it did, but today I feel as if we are two people sharing a common circumstance. And that hurts. We are no longer the people we used to be and it's hard trying to find our way back. To get some sense of the normality we used to have. The communication, the affection. Yes we have our rainbow but the road getting here was and is still hard. Situations were awkward, affection and conversation less. We were and somewhat are still, two people trying to navigate grief yet love and support what the other is going through , but yet too stuck in what we each need from the other to give to one another those needs. 


And it hurts. And it's hard and never in a million years would I have pictured myself here, at this moment in this place.


But I shouldn't be surprised, because grief I know all too well. It's a ride that I can't seem to get off of. I know how it works, I know the ups and downs, the highs and low's of it. But here I am again thrown for a loop in this never ending journey of knowing the greatest heartbreak ever.

This was supposed to be the week

I didn't think it would bother me this much. I really thought I'd be okay. But I'm not. This week should be a great week. My birthday is wednesday but it's also the day of my scheduled c-sec. I would be 39wks 2days and it was gonna be the perfect gift for me. Don't get me wrong he IS the PERFECT gift for me though he just came early. I know that Jace is my miracle. I look at the progress he made in the NICU I see how well he does here at home with me and there is no doubt in my mind that he is my miracle. I believe that he arrived on time. No it wasn't my time or the time I expected him to come, but I know he came on time.


Even with knowing all of this there's still a little something that tugs at my heart when I think about the fact that he should still be resting up and gaining a little more weight, that my belly should be a little bigger than it was weeks ago, that i would be putting the last touches on his nursery. I know it may be weird but I miss waking up to his kicks. I think it's just the fact that this week I would have expected him to be coming, this week i could wrap my mind around the fact that i'd be holding him soon. But he made his debut earlier than expected. He caught us all by surprise.


So though things didn't go as planned ( and of course i shouldn't be surprised, it's not like my life has ever gone the way I planned) and that's okay. So I'm gonna feel and I'm gonna cry and I'm gonna go and hold my sleeping rainbow and think of all the good things he has brought me, how much I love him and how I wouldn't have things any other way. Because it may not have been my time but he was on time.

NIAW

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week
And though I am not one who is affected directly by IF, I know many strong and brave women who are. Many live in a world where all you have to do is have sex to get pregnant. When in fact it's not that easy. Pregnancy and having a baby at the end of 9 months is a miracle. And even still many people think the solution to IF is simple cut and dry. IVF, IUI, or Adopt. When in fact it's not. NONE of these options guarantee a baby for one and for two none of these options are as simple as they seem. Your heart and mind have to be ready to consider any of these options. IF crushes a dream that we all have. To have a child of our own, the old fashioned way. And having that dream taken away hurts. Women that I know who's lives are affected by IF are some of the strongest, women I know.  Just knowing the things they have to go through to achieve a dream that is not guaranteed to come true, but yet  trudge forth. Of course they aren't all smiles and giggles everyday, but they are surviving. They are standing, they are putting the word out about IF they are speaking about it in hopes that their words help someone else. And today I want to do my part in spreading the word about IF.  


So I will end with a few facts about IF.

1. Infertility is most often defined as the inability to achieve pregnancy following one year of unprotected sexual intercourse, or two or more miscarriages. 
2. Approximately 6.1 million couples in the United States, or 10 percent of all couples of childbearing age, have difficulty conceiving.  
3. One in six couples (17%) trying to get pregnant will experience some degree of infertility.
4. Infertility affects both men and women
5. 10% of all couples experience unexplained infertility, when no specific cause can be identified in either partner.

Needing a little advice

Hello blogosphere the little one is sleeping and I was planning to nap with him, but before I do I need a little help. I never realized there was so much to breast feeding and or pumping.  I still have milk flowing, not much but that's my fault because I haven't been eating as i should. Sometimes I only eat once a day. But that is not the problem. My problem is my breast are beginning to look uneven ( so totally embarrassed  to put this out there but i need help), well not look they are. Lefty makes more than Righty and I guess because of it Lefty is bigger. It's not noticeable outside of my clothes yet, ( at least to me it doesn't seem that way yet) but when I take off my clothes I can tell. And I don't want it to get to being noticeable on the outside. I've tried getting jace to feed on my right side first and longer than on the left. I've also tried pumping the right more than the left, but thus far nothing has helped and I don't want to stop bf, but I also don't want to be lop sided for the rest of my life either, so if anyone has any advice please send it my way. My boobs and I would greatly appreciate it ! 

What's in a word

A lot. There's a lot in a word. Yes some words are simple and straight to the point, but there are other words that have a lot more to them. Especially walking this road. And well this has been on my mind for a while and well something always comes up and I have to push it to the side and well now it keeps ringing in my mind and I need to get this out.

Miscarriage. A word that is so very heavy in meaning, but many people don't truly understand what that word means. And in a way how can you be surprised when even the medical field classifies it as an abortion (which I hate) because to me that word has a whole other meaning ( and please no offense meant to those that have had to have one, but it just not the same to me). 

I guess this is coming from the fact that when I tell people that I've had miscarriages many think of it as just losing a mass of tissue that could have or eventually would have been a baby, when in fact it's much more. People don't realize that 1. no matter how early the loss, it was a baby, it was wanted it was hoped for and it was loved from the very point of conception. I remember a while back a woman asked me if i had any children and I told her I'd had a m/c. She then preceded with saying " so you don't have any children". I wanted to hit her upside the head and say yes, yes I have a child. No he did not survive but yes I have a child.

A m/c is more than just as some say, passing tissue. No it's a baby. It's not easy to sit at home and wait for you baby to pass, looking at each clot wondering if that's your baby or what part, or is that all or how much more do you have to endure. It's not easy to labor and to push out a baby only to hear silence or just the sound of your tears when your baby should be crying. It's not easy making it nine months only to have to birth out a baby who's heart is no longer beating, or to have to hold your child as you wait for his or her heart to stop beating. 

It is not just a m/c ! It's the loss of a life. A very wanted life, a needed life a loved life. It's not easy and it's not simple.

It's hard. It's heart wrenching, heart shattering, and faith altering. It's more than just a word!

Loving my Angels <3

A quick rundown

With so much going on I've been a little skimpy on details of things going. So here's a quick update. Hubby and I brought Jace home on Monday April 16. I must say that even though it rained it was still the best day ever. Now that I have him home it's hard to believe that he was in the NICU for 4weeks and 4days. It's hard to believe that my little one is already one month old. I guess sometimes time does fly. Although he is home I must say that I will miss the nurses, they took such good care of him and loved on him when I wasn't there. I thank God for the favor that he showed upon my baby boy while he was there. All the nurses gave him some goodbye love and expressed how they hated he was leaving but knew that he had to go.

I have been rather tired lately ( which is probably the reason for the random blogs). But it's been a good tired. And I really can't blame jace, I mean yes he wakes in the middle of the night to be changed and to eat, but even when he's sleeping I'm jumping up at every little noise he makes. I'm jumping up at random times to look over into his bassinet to make sure he's breathing. I even find myself sometimes sleeping with my hand over his belly so that I can feel the rise and fall of his chest. It's funny how at first the worry was just getting him here and now that he's here there are a whole other slew of worries. Other than that things are going well. I hope to eventually find the time to blog regularly again as there are so many things on my mind that i need to let off. Until then I will end this post with a pic :

These are only a few of the nurses that took such great care of Jace. There are many others that I am so grateful for.

He was worth it

Before I start let me first say that in no way do i mean that I am happy about losing any of my children that I wish nothing more than to have been able to have them here with me, because they do matter they are loved and they are missed.

But, this bundle of joy, their little brother, my rainbow, he was worth it all. This journey, the heartache the pain, the lessons, the perseverance , he was worth it all. In saying this I am saying that I am glad that after losing three babies I didn't throw in the towel, I didn't give up on my dream, my desire of being an earthly mommy, because he was worth it. Jace was and is worth it.

He has brought me such joy, and smiles and hope. I grow more and more in love with him each day. I love the feel of skin against mine. I love to see him smile in his sleep. He is worth it. He is worth me giving everything I have in me to love him, to teach him, to guide him, to care for him. He makes me want to be a better person. He is my drive, my motivation. He is a part of me, a part of his sister and brothers. He reminds me of what they could have been. I dream for him and hope for him and in doing this for him it reminds me of the hope i had for his siblings. Does that make me a bit sad at times yes, but it also makes me smile. He was so worth it.

And he still is. And nothing can change that.

Still loving my angels!

3 Years In Heaven

Today is a wonderful yet bittersweet day. Today marks 3 years in heaven for my sweet boy, my firstborn Camron. But today also marks one month for my rainbow, my baby boy ( in every since of the word, he has 3 siblings that came before looking down on him) Jace. It's amazing how in the beginning days and even the weeks after I look at jace and think of all the things Cam would have been. I wonder if he would have looked the same a J or if he would learn as fast as J. I think about how much I love him even though I had to say good bye to him and I think about how much more in love I would be with him today had he made it. But the one think I do know he was my first born. The one who showed me what it was like to fall in love in a way that I never knew existed. He taught me true compassion, he taught me that everyone has a story, I may not know or can relate but there is a story. He taught me to be more kind, to love deeper, to see the joy in the little things. He taught me how precious life truly is no matter when it begins or ends. But it is all precious. And today as I smile at my Jace I will be thinking of him. I will be thanking him, for looking after his little brother. Jace smiles a lot in his sleep and it leaves me wondering if he's seeing angels and if he's seeing his brothers and sister as he sleeps. Through all of this I know for sure ( if i didn't truly know for sure) that one thing is true though I have my miracle here on earth, I will always love and never forget my first miracle that now resides in heaven. Happy Three Years in Heaven my sweet Camron. Though I wish you were here with me I know that you are in the best place you can be. Know that my love for you only grows, that I still remember you and that you matter. To me you matter. You are missed and truly loved no matter what. I Love you !

Special Delivery!

Well I figured that it's been long enough and about time ( before I forget ) to write the story of Jace's arrival.

I'd like to say that it started off as a nice normal day. But if you know me and how things usually go for me, you know that well this day started off nothing like normal. As a matter of fact we can go back to the night before. That night ( Tuesday night that is) I had a dream that I was bleeding, and not like light spotting, but no this was like heavy, cycle time bleeding ( scary I know) but I actually woke up that morning still feeling and telling myself that everything would be okay. Well imagine my surprise and almost panic, when I went to the rest room and saw a couple of drops of blood. Amazingly I still didn't' let it get to me, I'd just had my baby shower a few days ago and I had been moving around quite a bit there and also getting his room ready, so I figured I just needed to put my feet up. Well I put my feet up for a bit. I got to the bathroom and again there was blood, so I say well maybe I didn't' sit long enough. So I contemplate whether or not to call my doctors office, well I go to the restroom again and this time there is more blood ( this was about 1 p.m) and there's some gooey stuff with it ( sorry for the TMI) , so then I began to worry juuuuust a bit and I call my doctors office. Well guess what! This all happened on a Wednesday which means my doctor is not at her office but at the hospital doing surgeries , but her secretary calls her for me and she tells me to come to the hospital and go straight to LnD. So I get dressed and make my way there. I get to the hospital, they put me on monitors to make sure I'm not having any contractions and while they do that I also wait to get an u/s. Well turns out I am having small contractions, but I don't feel anything and I only know it cause they are showing up on the monitor and the nurse is asking me " do you feel that?" and I'm like "no", but at this point they aren't close together at all. Dr. V comes in to visit and tells me that I've been having small contractions and to let me know that she is keeping me over night just in case anything happens and lets me know she will come back to see me after the u/s. Well after a few hours the u/s tech comes up and does the ultrasound. She then says to me " your cervix has funneled" and I say as tears start to flow "from the top and bottom?" She says " Just at the top" . Cue tears because yes I'm emotional and well I felt like this shouldn't be happening, but hey there's nothing I can do. Well I figured I'd better start making some calls cause well looks like this is a lil more serious than I thought it would be. So I call some family and a couple of friends. Well after a bit Doctor V comes back in and tells me that she thinks I'm in pre-term labor ( oh joy right, not). So they hook me up to magnesium to try and stop the contractions and tells me that she will give 2 hours and if the contractions don't stop by then, well we will be having a baby. Well instead of stopping the contractions got stronger, and stronger and closer together. When they began to come 7 to 8 minutes apart I began to feel them, and I mean really feel them. And then they became five minutes apart and I really started to feel them then. So nurses are monitoring me and my pastor's wife is in the room with me timing the contractions and just when I thought the magnesium was working, on came the BIG contractions and I mean BIG! Big and long. Well I get a big one and I began to feel pressure between my legs so I ask S ( my pastor's wife, my other one mom as I like to call her, but we will just say S for now) to tell the nurse what I'm feeling. Well she tells me it's normal, but I'm getting frustrated because she's not understanding my situation, that I have a TAC and there should be nothing going on ( at least I thought) in the va jay jay area. Well as she's acting all nonchalant about it and is resetting the magnesium I have another HUGE contraction and my water breaks and as my water breaks I cry, I cry and I cry and I cry and as the nurses try to prep me for surgery they are trying to calming down because I was crying so hard my stomach and chest were going up and down I mean I was sobbing! I felt bad for the nurses trying to prep me but I couldn't stop. This is not how this was supposed to go! Hubby is in Kuwait ! I still have two months well like one and a half , before his arrival, but nope here we were 8 weeks early . So they finally prep me take me into the OR give me a spinal got me numb cut me open and after a little bit ( they had a hard time getting him out because he was breech and didn't' have a lot of room inside) finally they got him out ! My poor baby's leg was bruised upon pulling him out because if was so tight ( so I guess it was time for him to come on out). So March 14, 2012 @ 9:21 p.m ( or 21:22 p.m in military time ) Jace Jesiah Bob made his debut into the world. If took him a minute to cry and I held my breath until he did. And when he cried, I cried and S cried! It was one of the most beautiful moments in life for me. His cry was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. I thank God for that cry, for this baby for this blessing for my miracle!

Got Milk?

This girl does! ( i know i know, this post is rather up beat compared to yesterdays, but hey such is my life, up some down some so hey) And though not plenty of it at the moment, but I'm working on it. And yes I'm talking about breast milk. The one thing my body seems to allow me to do right, well somewhat right, almost right, pretty darn close to right. But then again since this is new territory for me ( the last three times it came in, my only mission was figuring out how to dry it up) maybe it is going right. It actually came in about 4 or 5 days after jace was born. I couldn't give it to him right off though because while in the hospital I ran a few fevers so as a precaution for his help they told me to pump and dump. So let's just say he only got a little bit of colostrum, but he's mainly gotten milk. But hey it's the least I can do feel involved during his visit at casa del NICU. At this point I haven't even gotten one ounce or if so it's right at one ounce. Most of the time it's about a half to a little over a half of an ounce, and so far lefty is the leader at producing which makes me nervous because I don't want to eventually be lopsided. Also, I must say pumping HURTS! Well at least it did. I've gotten used to it and have learned what level is comfortable to me. It's hard for me to believe that when the time comes that Jace's little mouth will be more powerful than the pump. But I will will myself to keep at it. I want to give him my best and hopefully my body will cooperate. So if any of you out there have any pumping advice I'd love to hear it. Oh and just in case you need to know I use the Madella Pump in Style advanced ( don't know if that matters or not, but just in case it does.)

Hard

This is hard. There are no other words to describe the feeling of having to leave your little one at the hospital. It hurts to know that even though I have made it further than I have in any other pregnancy, that with reinforcement my body failed in allowing me to get to full term. Don't get me wrong I am very thankful that I made it to and beyond viability. I am beyond thankful that I made it to 32 weeks. But I am sad. Sad that i couldn't make it further. Sad that though I know with all my heart that he will get to come home, that I every evening since getting discharged have to leave the hospital with empty arms and come home to an empty house, a house with just me and my thoughts and feeling that I wish I didn't have. I wish that I could just be joyful in this whole thing I wish that hurt and sadness didn't creep up. I wish that I could just rejoice through it all, because I know the God I serve. The God I serve allowed me to carry my baby boy 32 weeks. He allowed him to live. He has allowed him to progress well, he has answered my every prayer concerning my son while he's in the NICU, the God I serve has surrounded my baby with nurses who I think love him just as much as I do (well not as much as me, but close to it), who give me details beyond what I ask, who allow me a lil more privileges than others probably get. So why am I crying. Because this is hard. But as I type and my tears dry I am thankful, thankful that I am in love with a beautiful baby boy who is the spitting image of his dad, who is alert, oh so lovable and most importantly mine. The sweetest gift that God could ever give me. So Even though this is hard and at times tears flow I will think of these things.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Yes he has a name ;)

I guess in all the excitement I forgot a to add an important detail. His name! LoL! Yes he has one. We named our little prince:

Jace Jesiah Bob

Sorry for the late response and I guess one of these days I will buckle down and actually right his birth story ( which I can hopefully get through without crying) and catch of on some blog reading. I love you all and thank you for your love and support.

Loving my Four!

Say Hello

I certainly didn't think that this would be my next post, but here I am, not even sure how or where to begin. Wednesday was supposed to be a post of baby shower pics, but as usual for me well things didn't go as planned. Instead I am here to announce that Wednesday March 14 @ 9:22 pm I gave birth via c-section to a 3 pound 5.6 ounce baby boy. I am still in dis belief myself, but he is here, is gorgeous and he has stolen my heart even more now that I see him on the outside. Part of me wishes that he were still on the inside growing and thriving where he is supposed to be, and the other part of me knows that it was just time. There were so many signs ( that i may post about another day), but it is still so surreal. He is in the NICU and doing great. He has been breathing on his own since friday and continues to do so. He has also been tolerating his feedings very well. I finally made it home yesterday and I must say that I am beat. I am pumping until he is able to come home so I am still waking up as if he is here as they want me to pump every 2 to 3 hours to keep my supply up and so far so good. I want to thank everyone for your love and and prayers and texts and emails. I wish I could express what it truly means to me. I love you all and I truly mean that. And before I start babbling I will end here and leave you with a picture of the little one that has stolen my heart:

Doc Appointment and a Shower

Well I had an ob appointment on Friday ( march 9) which went great. Baby J is looking good in all areas (fluid, growth, and heart rate). I havent' gained any weight since my last appointment which was Feb. 24. But all in all things are looking good. He changed from a head down position to what she called transverse ( i think that's how she said it) so I guess it's safe to say he's still got some wiggle room in there. Which I really don't have to guess because I feel and see it everyday. And have mentioned how I just love love love to feel him and see him make waves across my belly. If not , then let me say I REally do Love it! Oh and one more awesome change, my C-Section date has been pushed back, and that's okay because that means he will be born on my birthday and what better gift can one get!

My Baby Shower was Saturday March 10. I am still in awe ( I seem to use that word a lot lately) that I made it to this point. I was in awe of making it to a point of even talking about a shower, let alone having one. But I did and it was great. And I must say that I had a wonderful time. The day started of a little dreary for me because the weather really sucked it rained the whole weekend and I had a lot of people call and cancel the morning and the day before. But then I sucked it up and was determined to enjoy myself no matter what. Those who really cared and mattered would come and those that didn't oh well. So I cheered myself up and got ready. We ate, talked played games and I opened gifts. I must say that it was a great day and that Baby J is so loved already and I can only imagine how it will be when he gets here. He got so many things and I'm just thankful that we were on so many peoples minds. I also want to thank those that I know were there in spirit. Those that I know if you could have come you would have and for me even knowing that I thank you. I also want to thank Nan, Deni and Andrea for the Changing table and accessories that they sent me. You all just made my day and I love you your angels and your rainbows so very much. Also a friend of hubby and I sent us our crib. Everyone has just blessed us so and I am ever so greatful. Baby j got so many wonderful things.

Playing Catch Up

Wow, I have gone from slacking in my blogging to full out neglect. lol I fully intended to at least blog once a week, but hey guess that just didn't happen like I planned. So here I am playing catch up. So I guess we can start with week 29

Wk 29
Was an nice week, minus the guy who rear ended me and fled the scene. Thankfully baby j and I are fine. And thankfully that his car got most of the damage. But that still left me a little angry. Still trying to get over it. I had my one hour glucose test, which I passed ! Thank goodness because that stuff was super nasty and it took everything I had in me to drink it and keep it down. ( though I must say I gagged every other swallow. ) I also had a doc appointment which went great. Dr. V estimated him at weighing 2lbs and 13oz , his fluid level and heart rate were both good. She gave me a c-sec date of April 30 so it won't be too long before I am saying hello to my sweet baby boy. Can you say excited!


Wk 30

Was pretty uneventful. The energy I had in the second trimester has now left the building. I fine myself taking more naps than I did in the first trimester. LoL I find myself laying around a little longer in the mornings. Even though I'm awake way early I usually don't actually get up until and hour after waking.

And here I am now at week 31 ! Yep 31 weeks! And yes like always I am super excited! It's a little well no a lot harder to get up and go potty at night but I've mastered this little rocking move that helps with that. And speaking of going potty I am now back to going about 3 to four times a night. I also think that I've been getting braxton hicks at night but not sure. I do know that this little boy loves to ball up in the right side of my stomach, which has seemed to be his favorite spot since I've been able to feel him move. And the greatest mild stone ( at least for me anyway) has been SEEING HIM MOVE FROM THE OUTSIDE ! Yes it looks a little weird but I love it. I already love feeling him move and I now get to see him move. And I must say I love it. I know that I always mention it in just about every post, but I am thankful. I've never made it this far. Heck I've never made it past 19wks so to be here to experience all the things that I had hoped to experience with my angels is just such a blessing to me. No everything is not fun , like kicks to the vagina or being out of breath among a few other things, but I wouldn't trade these moments for anything. I think about my angels and how I wished I would have got this chance with them and I think I will always feel this way. But I know they are looking down on their little brother and that makes me smile. I have an Ob appointment this Friday. I can't wait to see him on the screen and see his little heart beat.


Thank you God for this blessing. Thank you that he is healthy and strong and developing as he should. Thank you that my cervix is holding strong. Still long and closed. And most of all thank you for all the small moments that make such big wonderful memories.

Forever Loving my Angels.


Yes I know this is a week late but here it is anyway Me at 30 wks!

Hurting

As I sit and catch up of on blogs I see that so many of my friends are hurting. Wether it's from a fresh loss, grief rearing it's head unexpectantly, or an angelversary coming up, they are hurting. And in turn I hurt for them. I hurt at the fact that we all had to meet this way, I hurt at the fact that you are hurting. I hurt at the fact that I don't have the magic words to make the hurt go away, to bring back what was lost to replace the sorrow with joy. And though I don't comment often, know that I am here, reading and thinking of you and hoping for you and praying comfort your way.


Isaiah 61:3
To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.

28

First of all let me say I want to wish all my angel mommies a gentle and sweet Valentines Day.

Well blogosphere it's official , I have officially entered into the 3rd trimester. I am 28wks as of yesterday. Can you say excited and elated and anxious, because that's exactly what I am. And of course thankful. I am at a place that I've hoped to see 3 times and here I am finally on my fourth pregnancy and I've arrived. There are no other words to describe it except thankful. I am thankful for every little flutter, wave, move and kick. Thankful that my body is cooperating and holding (even with a little help of something called a TAC) long and strong my sweet baby safe within me. Thankful that I am growing and stretching ( even though it hurts a little sometimes) that my body is doing to accommodate my little miracle.

And though I am at this point I continue to hope and pray that me and this little one see many more weeks ( well 12 more weeks of him on the inside ) together of him growing and thriving ready to make his debut. He is estimated to arrive on May 7th. Hubby and I had a laugh today thinking what if he arrived on my B-day which is May 2 or His b-day which is May 6th. We agreed that whatever day he comes would be the best birthday gift to us both.

I am amazed everyday at this blessing. Sometimes it seem so surreal.

In honor of this momentous ( well at least to me anyway ) lol. I have rewarded myself by adding ticker to my page ( even if I have less than 100 days, shoot less than 90 days to go) it may seem silly but there was a point where I thought doing that would jinx me. So yaaaaaay me!

Loving my Angels always <3

27

I know I know I'm behind on the posting. It's been my routine lately.

Well this is gonna be short one.

I'm 27wks 5days along ( see told ya this was a late post. LoL) and I am just ecstatic. I didn't' think I could get anymore excited but I am. and as the time inches closer I think i will still become more and more excited. I must say that this week was a pick me up from the last. I've smiled more and relaxed more and have just felt good. I will be having a baby shower, thrown by my mom and aunt next month and I am also super excited about that. Not only that but it brings me that much closer to meeting this little guy. From the u/s some people are saying he's beginning to look like me, but we shall see.

I thought I lost my mucous plug this week, so I was nervous for a second, but I talked with Marie and she calmed me down and helped me feel better. I also had a ob appointment the next day. She checked me out and all is well. J is doing well and my cervix is long and closed still , so all good there. I have my 1hr glucose test on wednesday @ 9a.m wish me luck and send up some prayers cause I have not been the healthiest eater this time around.

It seems that J has gotten on a bit of a routine these past few weeks as he is very very very active from 11 to midnight then up and moving again around 5:30 then at 8 with little flutters and kicks throughout the day. It makes me wonder if this will be his schedule when he is actually here and home with us. ( Wow I just said when and not if! Go Me!) But we shall see.

I guess this post wasn't as short as I thought it would be ;O)

Well I will leave off with a Photo taken today :

26

Wow! I know here I am with the wow word again, but that's how I feel. at least that's the only way I can describe it. We are at 26wks. well 26wks and 3days to be exact. Well somewhat exact if I could calculate hours and minute that would be exact, but you get my drift. I must say the past few weeks have been somewhat challenging. Between dreams and some tough discussions with the hubby it's been interesting to say the least.

But today, today has been great! A wonderfully bittersweet moment which I can say it is majority sweet. I had an MFM appointment today and it went great! No changes in my cervix and it is still measuring at a 3.3. Which she then told me that this was my last appointment with her. ( yes I know "tear") But she said with me doing so well there is no need to see her anymore. We have made it past viability ( there's that word) and the next big step is making it to 28wks which for her is a time where she isn't worried about me delivering, but of course in our world we know all too differently, but still at the moment the fact that she was happy about it made me happy about it and of course she let it be known that she does want me to make it to 40 and believes I will. So yes though we where saying goodbye to Dr. S it was a great way to do so.

The Hubby and I also made our first big purchase in preparation for baby J. At least it was big for me. A mom car. yes I say mom car because I've gone from a 2 door read scion TC to a 4 door Lincoln MKX. So yes that's a big purchase and a big difference, but I am loving it thus far and and am looking forward to taking my little man around it.

Well I am done babbling for now so I will end with a few pics

26wks and I must say out of all the u/s pics we have this one is thus far the most precious one to me:

me at 23wks along



pic of my belly that hubby took at my doc appt.

and last but not least the bump at 26wks

Awake

Wow, here it's been almost two weeks since I've posted and I really wanted it to be an update, but here I am at 11:30pm up, awake, because when closing my eyes I began to think of my first born. The first time I'd fallen in love without even seeing his face. The first time I had to say hello and goodbye. And don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful for this blessing that I'm carrying now, that I have made it as far as I have and am believing that I will make it farther (and hating that I feel as if I have to write an explanation so that others won't think I"m ungrateful). But as I'm thankful for this baby and as I fall more and more in love with him, It makes me think of the first time. How I was so over the moon, excited hoping and dreaming and wanting and longing, I guess all too soon. And as I feel this one move I think of the first time I felt felt him move, only days before I had to tell him goodbye. And my heart hurts, I miss him, I miss what could have been, what should have been. And I miss my other babies, I think of what I didn't get to enjoy with them because of worry and fear. I think of how I love them all. How I miss them all. But right now I can't get the very first time out of mind. And It hurts because I don't wanna to stress baby J out I want to be the best me, and the strongest me that I can be, but every time I close my eyes I see myself in that hospital holding camron and saying goodbye. I remember the only crying being my and his fathers tears. And I think about the day that J will be here and I hope and pray that it's his tears i hear above my own. And as I cry from joy I'll be crying from a longing I know I can't have.

23

Yes I know I'm a little late with this post, but I haven't felt much like sitting up at the computer lately and I could do it from my iPad but it takes me forever to type on there and I sometimes have a lot to say.

I am 23wks! and In just days I will be 24! I am just so ecstatic, happy, amazed and thankful. There was a time that I'd never thought I would see this. That I would make it this far.

These past couple of weeks have been interesting. I'm feeling things that I've never felt before and it's great and sometimes scary. I am just totally over the moon. I love every little kick and jab that I feel. And even when it's uncomfortable, like when he balls up on the right side of my stomach, it makes me happy to know that he has his favorite little spot. I am so excited to meet him and I'm even more excited that the hubby is just as excited with me. To know that he count's down the weeks with me, asks about milestones, expresses how blessed he feels that we have made it this far and excited about making it farther. To hear the hopes and dreams that he has for our son just makes my day.

But I must also say that even in such a happy time, I miss my angels, I sometimes close my eyes and all I see are my last days with each of them, the labor and having to say hello and goodbye all at once. I've posted pictures of this pregnancy on fb and it's amazing how many comments and congrats I get, but when I post about my angels less than a third comment or give a kind word. But I guess I can't hold it against them, because without going through this they can't understand how one child does not replace another.

I also had a quick appointment with my ob today. I have gained 10lbs in 4wks. geesh! She didn't say anything to me about it, but I'm thinking that can't be good? I mean at 23 wks I've gained already 20lbs total this pregnancy. I'm gonna have to slow down on the snacking I guess. Or try my best to find healthier alternatives, which is hard when you're a picky ( finicky) eater like me. But I have to do something. I can't exercise like I want because of my condition, but I'm gonna do something. Also baby boy is doing well. Moving and shaking as always. And I think I will officially say , he hates the doppler, every time it goes on my belly he's kicking and moving trying to get out of dodge and as always he's never shy about showing his business on the u/s.

Well I think I will stop babbling here and just leave a couple of pics of me and the bump at 23wks:

What a week

Wow! Another week gone by and what a week it has been. I came into 2012 with much hope and expectation and I still feel that way. I am ever so thankful to be where I am and I know that this is not it. That there is more. I even declared it on New Years.

This week has been wonderfully interesting and not in a major happenings sort of way, but this week has shown me the person I've become. And it all started with a visit to the ER. Late tuesday night or wednesday morning I began having stomach pains. At fist I thought nothing of it, because hey, I've had many aches and pains with this pregnancy . So I laid down for a bit and tried to get some sleep only to awake an hour later still hurting, so I got up and walked a bit, sipped water in hopes that it would go away. But it didn't so finally i got decent( yes decent in no way was I dressed, well I was but not really for the public, but hey this was an emergency) and went to the ER the wait wasn't too bad but at least when they did call me I was sent directly to LnD. The old me, would have been scared at just the thought of being in LnD way too soon, but this me, this hope filled me, this faith filled me was calm. I only focussed on making sure everything with my baby boy was okay. I mean God has allowed me to make it to 22wks and I'm believing him for 18 more and I know that he won't' fail me or forsake me. So they get me hooked up to the monitors and I hear that wonderful sound of his hb, not only that but he is kicking and moving around so that it took her a few minutes to even get him still enough to get his heart rate. Now to the old me this would have meant nothing, I've heard heartbeats of my babies that I still had to say good bye to way to soon. But this time I focused on God and his promises to me, and for me and what I've learned of him over these years. And guess what, EVERY THING was fine. It was just him moving and shaking as he always does. No contractions no open cervix, no dilation, just my baby boy having a field day in my uterus. They also had a lab tech come in and do a u/s and she also measured my cervix, which she came up with a measurement of 2.8. Which for a moment that got me nervous because just two weeks ago I was at a little over 3.3. So after a couple of more hours of monitoring I was sent home and told to be on bed rest until I saw my doctor, which happened to be thursday. I must say that this news had me a bit nervous and so I sought some advice and was reassured by a friend that all is well and guess what, thursday all was well. My MFM said that my cervix was still long and close on both sides and that baby boy is doing great! That I am doing great that she believes I will see 40wks! Can you say thankful! Because that is certainly what I am.

And here I sit on the Eve of 23 weeks! One Week from 24 and I am ever so thankful. For each and every moment God has allowed me with this sweet wonderful baby boy, who is so loved and wanted and anticipated. No one can tell me that my God isn't good. And I know on this journey that faith is very much tried, pushed back and even lost, but I know that when you just trust, no matter what it looks like, no matter what happens, that God is there, he's a healer, he hears our hearts and our every cry and most of all he is God. And I am just thankful.

Forever Loving my Angels, I smile at the thought of you, knowing that I have the three of you in heaven waiting for me, but as we wait you are above looking over your brother at the masters feet in the safest place you can be.

I Love you Camron, Xavien and Tristen