Wow, here it's been almost two weeks since I've posted and I really wanted it to be an update, but here I am at 11:30pm up, awake, because when closing my eyes I began to think of my first born. The first time I'd fallen in love without even seeing his face. The first time I had to say hello and goodbye. And don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful for this blessing that I'm carrying now, that I have made it as far as I have and am believing that I will make it farther (and hating that I feel as if I have to write an explanation so that others won't think I"m ungrateful). But as I'm thankful for this baby and as I fall more and more in love with him, It makes me think of the first time. How I was so over the moon, excited hoping and dreaming and wanting and longing, I guess all too soon. And as I feel this one move I think of the first time I felt felt him move, only days before I had to tell him goodbye. And my heart hurts, I miss him, I miss what could have been, what should have been. And I miss my other babies, I think of what I didn't get to enjoy with them because of worry and fear. I think of how I love them all. How I miss them all. But right now I can't get the very first time out of mind. And It hurts because I don't wanna to stress baby J out I want to be the best me, and the strongest me that I can be, but every time I close my eyes I see myself in that hospital holding camron and saying goodbye. I remember the only crying being my and his fathers tears. And I think about the day that J will be here and I hope and pray that it's his tears i hear above my own. And as I cry from joy I'll be crying from a longing I know I can't have.