3-6-9... 10 years later
5 years ago
Monday, January 23, 2012
Awake
Wow, here it's been almost two weeks since I've posted and I really wanted it to be an update, but here I am at 11:30pm up, awake, because when closing my eyes I began to think of my first born. The first time I'd fallen in love without even seeing his face. The first time I had to say hello and goodbye. And don't get me wrong, I am so very thankful for this blessing that I'm carrying now, that I have made it as far as I have and am believing that I will make it farther (and hating that I feel as if I have to write an explanation so that others won't think I"m ungrateful). But as I'm thankful for this baby and as I fall more and more in love with him, It makes me think of the first time. How I was so over the moon, excited hoping and dreaming and wanting and longing, I guess all too soon. And as I feel this one move I think of the first time I felt felt him move, only days before I had to tell him goodbye. And my heart hurts, I miss him, I miss what could have been, what should have been. And I miss my other babies, I think of what I didn't get to enjoy with them because of worry and fear. I think of how I love them all. How I miss them all. But right now I can't get the very first time out of mind. And It hurts because I don't wanna to stress baby J out I want to be the best me, and the strongest me that I can be, but every time I close my eyes I see myself in that hospital holding camron and saying goodbye. I remember the only crying being my and his fathers tears. And I think about the day that J will be here and I hope and pray that it's his tears i hear above my own. And as I cry from joy I'll be crying from a longing I know I can't have.
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7 comments:
Shandrea, I am sending you big, big virtual hugs. This sounds so familiar to me -- especially when I was nearing the milestone in this pregnancy when I lost my first baby. Remembering the day I held Calvin and all the milestones leading up to it, and knowing all of the milestones I will miss out on. Pregnancy after loss brings up a new kind of grief, and it's so complicated because it's intertwined with the joy and gratefulness we do have with carrying new life. Each of our babies are a part of us, and they are part of each other. Just because you are sad missing Cameron, doesn't mean you appreciate Baby J any less, and it works the other way, too. Just because you love and are grateful for Baby J, doesn't mean you've forgotten your other babies.
Sending you love and hugs. Thinking of you tonight.
I agree w/ Crystal. What you're feeling is so normal for PAL. I would often think of Carleigh while preg w/ Lainey. I became more anxious as I grew closer to the end of my preg and I would pray to be able to bring my baby home. I don't think you need to explain at all how you are still grateful for this precious babe you carry while still missing. I think that goes w/o saying. What a wonderful moment it will be to hold baby J in your arms. <3
Shandrea, you aren't alone in these feelings. Pregnancy after loss is such a stressful, anxious, humbling, grateful time. All of your feelings are normal. And I also have to say you expressed so beautifully one of the moments of stillbirth "I remember the only crying being my and his fathers tears." I can't wait for Baby J to come out screaming!
It's so unfair that we must live a life filled with would have's and should have's! As we try to look toward our future and enjoy the moments we have with our Rainbows we are all hit with waves of sadness and memories of those who came before. Sadly this seems to be a fact of life for all who experience pregnancy after a loss, but that doesn't stop us from loving our Rainbow and looking forward to making new memories as we finally get to experience the first baby cries and happiness of having our bundles of joy tucked safely in our arms and ready to go back home with us to share an amazing life together!
Sending you ((HUGS)) and keeping you in my prayers.
I can't even fathom what you have been through. All I can say is that your courage & strength are both obvious & amazing. Know that you are in our prayers (& many others).
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