Monday, July 19, 2010

Follow Up and a Little Randomness

So today was my follow up appointment. It went well. At least as well as it can go considering the circumstances. I'd made the latest appointment my doc had available and thankfully it was the perfect time. When i walked in ( a few minutes late, i now have no desire to be there early) there was only one other person there and if she was pg she didn't have a bump. Never had that office seemed so solemn until today. The nurses and receptionsist were all very nice, which is no surprise because they always are. Well enough rambling and on to the gist of things. He said i looked good and expressed his sympathies to me. He than began talking about future planning, and not in a pushy way, but he wanted me to know that he had been thinking about my case and that he had some idea's of how he would like to proceed (when i am ready of course). Because he was not my doctor before i became pg he wants to run some tests . First he wants to do a HSG to look at my uterus and make sure there are no elements such as fibroids or cysts affecting me holding a pregnancy, then once past that stage he wants to put the cerclage in before pg (which i'm thinking he's talking about a TAC, but he didn't call it that, so i will ask the next time i talk with him) , and also at the time of that he wants to perform a procedure to go in through my belly button (can't remember what he called it, even though i should. (shame i know) but i can't) and have a look at me from that way. It's amazing and i am so greatful to have a doctor determined to give me the happy ending that i so desire. But it's a bit unfair because i don't know that i will ever be ready to take that risk again. Yes I so so so so so so want to be an earthly mommy, but I don't know that i can risk bringing home another box of memories. Two was too many and three is definately over the limit.
I know that if we tried again that no matter what is done that i will worry from beginning to the end. I know that i will be scared to do anything, to use the bathroom, to walk down the hall, to stand, to sneeze to eat , to drink. All in the name of hoping that i make it to the finish line. It's not fair. It's not fair to me, my family or my friends. To worry that i will let myself and everyone down again. Can i risk it? I'm not sure, and a part of me is angry at myself for being torn. For even still thinking about trying again. Though some who do not understand this journey may not even see it as lives being lost, I do. Each angel that i had was a life lost. A beautiful life that never got to open their eyes, or smile or squeeze my hand. Can i do that, to myself, or another baby? Why should that even be a question?
My heart is heavy. I am broken and i don't know how to fix me. I don't even know if i can be fixed. But then again, to i want to be fixed? Though this hurts , oh how it hurts, I know that I am a better me. It's amazin how through all this pain one can say that they are better. But we get beautiful things such as diamonds from high temps and lots of pressure. So i guess it shoudn't be hard to believe that one can be made better or even beautiful from the pressure and pain of this journey. So I will be content, maybe even happy at being beautifully broken.
Forever Loving My Angels


klarsen said...

I know in the right time you will make the decision that is best for you, your family and your babies. They are lives lost, but they are in a much better place than here. hat does nothing for the pain, but it is true. Always thinking of you and praying for you xoxo

Marie W said...

I have been at that same place - wavering between making a decision to stop or try again. I am glad your Dr. is willing to help in every way. I hope he is talking about a TAC....going through the belly button though...I don't know what that possibly could be. I know most Lap procedures go through ports, and one of those ports is the belly button. Is he talking about a LAP TAC? Thinking of you constantly and praying for your heart.

Annie said...

This is such a tough decision. I've been in the same place and decided to try again. For me, that means IVF and it's terrifying to think of doing that only to end up with another dead baby. But the thought of just giving up and living with this heartache for the rest of my life is even more terrifying. I pray that there is a great joy ahead for both of us.

Andrea said...

Precious Friend,

I want you to know that you "deserve" every happiness that comes your way. You have failed absolutely no one and you are not a burden on your family and friends. We only want to help you to heal and honor your precious children...yes, they have purpose, their lives HAVE PURPOSE.

As for your Dr., I am happy you have someone that cares for you and who you feel comfortable with. Take your time and call his clinic back and ask for details, or ask to go back in a few weeks/months and discuss options again. Do this when you are ready. Just remember, your Dr., felt confident enought to give you options and that is a wonderful thing. I agree with Marie, the belly button procedure sounds like a Laproscopic procedure, which are generaly less invasive. When you are up to it you can write down your questions and research your plan. In the meantime, your Dr. can get the HSG (I had an SHG to explore the uterus in 3-D and it was a sinch, so don't fear it. Let me know when you are going to do that and I'll talk you through it)and then you will have that behind you. These tests are good in the regard they rule out any potential problems.

Overall, take good care of yourself, as you have been through such tradgedy. Talk with whomever you need to when you can, as it is very helpful...and we are always here with you, always. I've never told you this before, but my friend Sheri told me some time ago (when I was very low) that she suffered 9 losses at all stages in pregnancy. I asked her how she got out of bed every day....she said "not by choice, but she did it". She has a daughter today. It was through the help of a wonderful Dr. who took lots of time to evaluate her that she was successful. Know that you don't have to just see this Dr., you can do the tests and then take the info to another Dr. for a 2nd opinion if you like. I know all of this talk is very premature right now, as you are hurting so deeply, but just know that I will help you do any research or any Dr. finding you need, promise :) All of us will...the fab 5 will not forsake you. And neither will "he".

Love and prayers today and always

Lori said...

Oh...I can only imagine what you are going through. After Matthew, I was desperate but terrified.

I can't even imagine three babies in Heaven and overcoming that fear.

I AM glad that you have a doctor who is optimistic and has lots of good ideas to help ensure you bring your next child home to raise for a long, long time. When and if you decid you are ready, it will be good to have that support and I'm always in favor of every test possible to eliminate any problems possible.

You are on my heart every day. Just sending you love and prayers for peace for your heart.

Andrea said...

Shandrea, take the time you need, and in time you will know in your heart what your decision is.

I am glad that your doctor is still thinking of you, there are so many good souls out there wanting happiness for all of us.

I think of you often, love and hugs, Andrea

Holly said...

I'm glad that the dr really wants to help you and find out if there is anything going on that is not known. It's not an easy decision to know what to do and I pray that God guides you in the direction that you should be. That's so true about the diamonds and such a great analogy. Thanks for sharing that.

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