So today was my follow up appointment. It went well. At least as well as it can go considering the circumstances. I'd made the latest appointment my doc had available and thankfully it was the perfect time. When i walked in ( a few minutes late, i now have no desire to be there early) there was only one other person there and if she was pg she didn't have a bump. Never had that office seemed so solemn until today. The nurses and receptionsist were all very nice, which is no surprise because they always are. Well enough rambling and on to the gist of things. He said i looked good and expressed his sympathies to me. He than began talking about future planning, and not in a pushy way, but he wanted me to know that he had been thinking about my case and that he had some idea's of how he would like to proceed (when i am ready of course). Because he was not my doctor before i became pg he wants to run some tests . First he wants to do a HSG to look at my uterus and make sure there are no elements such as fibroids or cysts affecting me holding a pregnancy, then once past that stage he wants to put the cerclage in before pg (which i'm thinking he's talking about a TAC, but he didn't call it that, so i will ask the next time i talk with him) , and also at the time of that he wants to perform a procedure to go in through my belly button (can't remember what he called it, even though i should. (shame i know) but i can't) and have a look at me from that way. It's amazing and i am so greatful to have a doctor determined to give me the happy ending that i so desire. But it's a bit unfair because i don't know that i will ever be ready to take that risk again. Yes I so so so so so so want to be an earthly mommy, but I don't know that i can risk bringing home another box of memories. Two was too many and three is definately over the limit.
I know that if we tried again that no matter what is done that i will worry from beginning to the end. I know that i will be scared to do anything, to use the bathroom, to walk down the hall, to stand, to sneeze to eat , to drink. All in the name of hoping that i make it to the finish line. It's not fair. It's not fair to me, my family or my friends. To worry that i will let myself and everyone down again. Can i risk it? I'm not sure, and a part of me is angry at myself for being torn. For even still thinking about trying again. Though some who do not understand this journey may not even see it as lives being lost, I do. Each angel that i had was a life lost. A beautiful life that never got to open their eyes, or smile or squeeze my hand. Can i do that, to myself, or another baby? Why should that even be a question?
My heart is heavy. I am broken and i don't know how to fix me. I don't even know if i can be fixed. But then again, to i want to be fixed? Though this hurts , oh how it hurts, I know that I am a better me. It's amazin how through all this pain one can say that they are better. But we get beautiful things such as diamonds from high temps and lots of pressure. So i guess it shoudn't be hard to believe that one can be made better or even beautiful from the pressure and pain of this journey. So I will be content, maybe even happy at being beautifully broken.
Forever Loving My Angels