Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Sunday July 4th i came home empty. Empty body, empty heart, empty soul. But of course how can something so broken hold anything. I'm not angry, i'm just simply hurt. hurt beyond belief. When i think of the many out there who don't know the blessings they have. The ones who could care less about the health, well being or lives they carry within or have been blessed to raise. Yet it seems they are the ones who are given more than one child and have the nerve to feel burdened or cursed. But maybe this is my jaded perspective on the matter because what comes so easy for them is so hard for me. But i myself could think of a lot of other ways for someone to be burdened or cursed. Or maybe i'm asking for the wrong thing. Should i instead say curse me with a beautiful healthy earthly child? because getting so close and losing yet another beautiful life has ripped me apart. I know that my babies make my reward in heaven that much greater, but right now at this moment, missing them here is hell.

But I have two choices and one of those two will get me nowhere. So I sit and i cry and i wait. I wait for healing, I wait to be made whole. I wait for my miracle.

As it says in

Philippians 4:6,7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
So here i sit God, praying and waiting. I know you didn't promise it would be easy, so i'm holding on as best i can, if you'd please just wrap me in your arms a little tighter.


Forever Loving My Angels.





13 comments:

Lauren said...

I came from Katy's blog and I want you to know I'm praying for you.
Love in Christ,
Lauren

Andrea said...

Grace,

I utter the words that I have repeated so many times....

It's Just NOT FAIR!

I get angry when I look around at those with such blessings that complain about their chidren, the responsibility, or the mere fact these little lives cramp their style. Recently, someone was saying to me that their child was demanding and needy, etc..I only responded by saying "I'd give anything to have that problem". She had no response to what I said.

I'm continuing to lift you in prayer and have my arms wrapped tightly around you from a far. My ear is always open and my heart broken along with yours. I pray that God shows us peace through the pain...and I pray for wisdom and guidance along this path.

Sending you love, comfort and many prayers...
xoxo
your sister of the heart <3

Jennifer said...

Praying, praying, and praying so more for your sweet family!

klarsen said...

Love you. Praying for you. xoxo

Lori said...

Always sending you love and prayers...you are so dear to so many of us! xoxoxoxoxo

Michelle said...

I came from Katy's blog too.I am so sorry that you are enduring this yet again. You will remain in my prayers.

The Meuniers said...

Thinking of you and praying for you Shandrea. Sending many hugs and love <3

heathermohr said...

Praying for you, friend.

xxxxx

DeniFay said...

I'm hurt too, hurt for you and your having to walk this road again! It's not fair, but you have your eyes set the one place that can bring healing and I pray it comes and I pray your blessing of children comes soon, healthy and happy here on earth! I love you and am lifting you up and wishing I could make it better!

Angie H said...

Hi Shandrea !

I want to say to you that I admire you for your wisdom to choose the road of hope .
You could be angry today and hate everything and everyone including God but you dont ,you choose hope and faith . You are an inspiration for other people that suffer and for me as your faith is so strong.
You were given the gift of faith which is a blessing in itself.
I hope and pray for you for healing as your suffering is enourmous but I beleive God can make it better.
I believe in a better future for you .
You path to motherhood is not easy but Im hopeful that when the day comes when you are ready to try again you are going to make it even if you are going to be on bedrest for a while ,there has to be a way that will work for you .
Know that you and your angels and your husband are in my prayers every night and I always hope for the best for you .

Love Angie

Karol said...

Praying for and aching with you. Words are hopelessly inadequate so I will just pray. Though it's hard, please remember that our God is good, all the time. It is this knowledge that has given me strength as I too walk in the shadow of death.
Karol

Sarita Boyette said...

Dear one, I came from Katy's blog. I am devastated for you and your husband, that you have sheltered three babies and have had them go home to Jesus much too soon. I know how you love them. I know the hurt of burying one child, but not three. I wish there were something I could say to you to take all the hurt away. Of course there are no words like that. You will be in my prayers in the upcoming days. (((HUGS)))
Sarita

Antoinette said...

I agree with everything you are saying...MY own sister in law has been blessed with 2 daughters..of which she dOESNT cook for them, DOESNT watch BOTH at the same time, doesnt even know what they like or dont like. they spend more time with grandparents than anything else...and here we sit PRAYING AND WISHING and hoping that we become blessed one day...i like to think there is a plan for us and I like to think we WILL get our happiness one day...but its hard to keep the faith..it really is...I pray for you ALL ALL ALL the time and please do not feel you need to stay strong as I am sure others around you are saying...allow yourself to embrace all of your thoughts and feelings..God forgives all and he knows that if you are angry or sad or crying that with time you will feel better...you must cry to get the healing to start...I always feel better after a nice good cry...((hugs)) and hoping for better days for you ahead...

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