Saturday, July 17, 2010

Stranger

After someone has been away for a while and finally come back home, it wouldn't be strange to hear them say "I feel like a stranger in my own house". Well today that is kinda how I feel except i feel like a stranger in my own body. One moment i'm up and the next i'm down or somewhere in between. Today I broke down crying while making dinner. Thinking of how i will never be able to sit at the table with Camron, Xavien or Tristen and ask them "how was your day at school" or " what did you learn today". Those hopes and dreams are gone. And I hurt, my heart aches. I find myself hoping, begging, wishing, that i could have the happy me back. The me before I knew all the things that could go wrong with a pregnancy, the optimistic me, who could find the best in a situation, the me that could dream of childrens names and not be so cautious of waiting until i pass a ceartain milestone before i let myself think anything. I long for that me, I miss that me. I wish a smile could replace my tears. That joy could replace my heartbreak. I'm tired of this new norm. I want my old norm back. But no matter how hard I wish, how hard i hope, I can never get that person back. My reality is forever altered. So here i am again a staring at a familiar stranger. The me I will be for the rest of my life.

7 comments:

Andrea said...

Much love honey, as I am holding you in prayer and holding you hand along this treacherous road. I agree, we are not the same and I too can be reduced to tears at any given moment. Sweet friend, I don't have the answers, as I've determined I need intervention from someone who does...someone who can give me the tools to reach down deep and find what I need to find my way back. Back to what I don't know, as I know I'm altered in many ways.

However, I do have faith in knowing that we will walk this road together. Your journey has not been like mine, it has been more difficult, more heart wrenching and more painful and I do not profess to know how you feel. BUT, what I can say is this...I will stay the course with you, dry your tears, hold your hand, tie your ROPE and love you along the way.

xoxo
me

heathermohr said...

(((hugs)))

klarsen said...

I wish I had the right words. I'm still praying. xoxo

Michelle said...

I have said the same thing of myself.."a stranger in my own body." I have nothing I can say except it sucks! Still here, and still praying for you.

Jennifer Ross said...

Holding you in prayer tonight Shandrea.

*hugs* to you...

The Blue Sparrow said...

I am so so sorry Shandrea! My heart aches with yours. I can relate to this post and feeling like a stranger in your own body. I've been struggling with that myself. I will be praying! *HUGS*

Holly said...

I know I have wished before to have never known the things that I do now. I wish we all and you didn't.

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