Stranger

After someone has been away for a while and finally come back home, it wouldn't be strange to hear them say "I feel like a stranger in my own house". Well today that is kinda how I feel except i feel like a stranger in my own body. One moment i'm up and the next i'm down or somewhere in between. Today I broke down crying while making dinner. Thinking of how i will never be able to sit at the table with Camron, Xavien or Tristen and ask them "how was your day at school" or " what did you learn today". Those hopes and dreams are gone. And I hurt, my heart aches. I find myself hoping, begging, wishing, that i could have the happy me back. The me before I knew all the things that could go wrong with a pregnancy, the optimistic me, who could find the best in a situation, the me that could dream of childrens names and not be so cautious of waiting until i pass a ceartain milestone before i let myself think anything. I long for that me, I miss that me. I wish a smile could replace my tears. That joy could replace my heartbreak. I'm tired of this new norm. I want my old norm back. But no matter how hard I wish, how hard i hope, I can never get that person back. My reality is forever altered. So here i am again a staring at a familiar stranger. The me I will be for the rest of my life.