Today hurts. Today is real. My baby is no longer with me. I can hardly breathe for crying. I still feel his kicks. I still feel him fighting to stay with me. But he is not here. I still feel the weight of him in my hands as i held him. He was heavier than his brother and sister. He looked so much like his daddy even then, that i sometimes can look at my husband without fighting back tears. I can only imagine how he'd looked if we would have made it all the way. Right now at this moment, i am tired and i am hurt. I want to go back. I want my baby with me. I want him back where he belongs. I suppose for a moment i had been in denial of it all, but yesterday, as we buried tristen and honored all three of our angels, it made it real. Yet waking up this morning empty, felt surreal. But it is absolutely real. I will never get to hold him again, or hug him or kiss him or sit him in my lap, or see his first smile or hear his first word or see him take his first step. He is gone. my baby is gone. I miss him. I miss them all.