Saturday, July 10, 2010

Today hurts. Today is real. My baby is no longer with me. I can hardly breathe for crying. I still feel his kicks. I still feel him fighting to stay with me. But he is not here. I still feel the weight of him in my hands as i held him. He was heavier than his brother and sister. He looked so much like his daddy even then, that i sometimes can look at my husband without fighting back tears. I can only imagine how he'd looked if we would have made it all the way. Right now at this moment, i am tired and i am hurt. I want to go back. I want my baby with me. I want him back where he belongs. I suppose for a moment i had been in denial of it all, but yesterday, as we buried tristen and honored all three of our angels, it made it real. Yet waking up this morning empty, felt surreal. But it is absolutely real. I will never get to hold him again, or hug him or kiss him or sit him in my lap, or see his first smile or hear his first word or see him take his first step. He is gone. my baby is gone. I miss him. I miss them all.

16 comments:

Marie W said...

Big Hugs. Praying....

Brie said...

Shandrea, My heart hurts for you and your family. No words can express how sorry I am that this happened to you.

Lori said...

Oh dear one...I just wish I could take it all away for just one minute so you could get some relief and yet...I just know that isn't possible.

I just continually and constantly lift you in prayer and send you my love...

Andrea said...

I too wish I could take the pain away...I wish I could give you some real heartfelt hugs. Sending my love...

Karin said...

Shandrea, my heart hurts for you. I am so sad that you are going through these raw hurts again. Praying for your peace.

klarsen said...

My heart hurts for you, too. How I wish we could go back and things could be different. I don't understand why. I wish I could take your pain away. Always praying for you. xoxo

Andrea said...

Precious Friend,

My heart is in shreds for you and I can not get you off my mind. I prayed for you all day yesterday and asked God to hold you close. My mind wandered and I could only cry, as I knew that you were parting with Tristen. No Mother should ever have to bury her child, or children as you have. It's not the natural progression of life and it pains me that someone as sweet, loving, kind and faithful is taking this walk yet again. I wish that I were near you to hold you while you are weak, to dry your tears and to offer you a hug and pray comfort over you. Your FAB 5 may not be physically with you, but we are WITH you, always. I'm forever a phone call or email away honey and I promise to be here for you just as you have been there for me. If only these women knew just how resilient you have been while staring adversity in the face, as I stand in awe of your grace. I always will...

And, I suppose there will always be an extra big hole in my heart for all of our angels. Know that I love you sweet friend, I'm here walking with you and I vow to stay the course.

Holding you close and Lifting you up
xxx
Andrea

Just Breathe said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I am so sorry .... {{HUGS}}

Dawn said...

My heart brakes for you. I am so terribly sorry. I will continue to pray for strength for you and your husband during this difficult time. God bless.

AHB said...

I am so sorry. It just doesn't seem fair..it feels like we have been robbed of the time we should have with them. I think the burial is the worst because it is final..it makes you realize that they are never coming back to you in a physical being. I am praying for peace for you and your family. Keep your chin up..

Kristie said...

Beautiful Shandrea, I love you, friend. Our hearts are grieving with you, not just because of your sorrow, but also because of the blasted frustration at the lack of control we have in creating peace, joy, rest, and healing that we feel you so richly deserve. So for now, I will do the only thing I can do, I will offer you and Robert up in my prayers, asking that the one who can do it, absolutely would!

Annie said...

I recently found your blog and am so sorry for your many painful losses. I lost two little boys at similar gestation to yours. Wishing you happier days ahead.

Jennifer Ross said...

Shandrea, I sit here with tears, just knowing how you feel. Your words take me back almost two years ago... the day that I had to say goodbye. My heart hurts for you and with you. Please know that I carry your heaviness around with me too. Please know that you are in my heart... and my prayers.

Love to you...

DeniFay said...

Oh, how I love you so much! I wish I could wrap my arms around you and make it better. It's not better, it's not good. It's sad! You deserve to be sad and hurt! So while you experience these emotions, know that I'm right here, praying you through them! I love you to pieces and wish so much that this wasn't happening to you again. I can't imagine how you felt at the burial of your beautiful son. Just sending love, prayers, and telling you how you have every right to feel this loss, as it's real and deep! Know I'm right here any time you need me!!

jeanna said...

Shandrea, I hate that I know what you are going through, I know what it was like to look at your son's face and not understand why he was outside and not continuing to grow within you. I delivered twin boys in January at 19 weeks and now 6 months later the pain is still there. Thankfully, it has dulled and doesn't take my breath away, but the longing and loss will be with me for the rest of my life. These angel babies have taken pieces of our hearts that we will never get back. I wish I had words that would help, but I am sure you know there are no perfect words. No woman should have to go through such loss especially after your other 2 losses. I found your blog through LFCA and my heart is hurting for you. Sending thoughts and best wishes your way during this time. (((HUGS)))

Michele said...

Oh honey.... Big hugs...

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