I can't say that "if my faith hadn't been shaken before" because it has. The only difference is this time it has been shaken to it very core. Just a sliver away from being broken seems like.
God's word said that ll i needed was the faith of a mustard seed. He said that all i had to do was to believe with my heart and i could move mountains. But yet , this time my mountain seems to have crumbled on top of me, suffocating me in sorrow. I almost stopped believing that. and thank god i can say almost and not did>
I believed. I truly believed with all my heart. This time was different, this time we'd get all the way. I thanks God everyday in that hospital that i awoke still having you with me. I prayed away doubts that tried to creep in. I knew that i had many praying for me. I just knew that you god had heard my prayers. I knew that he wouldn't take this precious blessing away from me. This time this one was mine to keep here. I praised him when i began to get not so great news. I thanked him anyhow because i just knew you were gonna make it. You had to , this was just supposed to be a test of faith and I just knew i would pass. I made it through two losses, I'd have to had learned something by now. I just knew , tristen would be my rainbow after the storm.
But, i guess i didn't have the faith i thought i had. For a moment i'd felt as if i'd failed my precious baby, i'd failed my husband and i.
And through this , all these crazy feelings, i still have hope. I hope one day to get it right. I hope one day to redeem all of my babies. I refuse to bring home another box of memories, broken dream and a sorrowful soul.
I would like to say that i am amazed that i can still hope. But I am not. I am however amazed at the power of God. In awe of it. Through it all he is truly amazing.
Because i can still hope! He let me keep that. He heard everyones prayers. Though he may not have given the answer we wanted, but believe me he heard. I felt hurt by God. For a moment , but he yet and still allows me to hope in him.
In just these few short days of my Tristen going to be with him, he has revealed so many things in me. Though i'm sad at times (because we all know this is a process and there are always many different moments) he is still walking with me and talking with me and teaching me so much at this time.
Though another piece of me has died, there is a part that is yet alive with hope and faith in them.