Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Even Still

I can't say that "if my faith hadn't been shaken before" because it has. The only difference is this time it has been shaken to it very core. Just a sliver away from being broken seems like.
God's word said that ll i needed was the faith of a mustard seed. He said that all i had to do was to believe with my heart and i could move mountains. But yet , this time my mountain seems to have crumbled on top of me, suffocating me in sorrow. I almost stopped believing that. and thank god i can say almost and not did>
I believed. I truly believed with all my heart. This time was different, this time we'd get all the way. I thanks God everyday in that hospital that i awoke still having you with me. I prayed away doubts that tried to creep in. I knew that i had many praying for me. I just knew that you god had heard my prayers. I knew that he wouldn't take this precious blessing away from me. This time this one was mine to keep here. I praised him when i began to get not so great news. I thanked him anyhow because i just knew you were gonna make it. You had to , this was just supposed to be a test of faith and I just knew i would pass. I made it through two losses, I'd have to had learned something by now. I just knew , tristen would be my rainbow after the storm.
But, i guess i didn't have the faith i thought i had. For a moment i'd felt as if i'd failed my precious baby, i'd failed my husband and i.
And through this , all these crazy feelings, i still have hope. I hope one day to get it right. I hope one day to redeem all of my babies. I refuse to bring home another box of memories, broken dream and a sorrowful soul.
I would like to say that i am amazed that i can still hope. But I am not. I am however amazed at the power of God. In awe of it. Through it all he is truly amazing.
Because i can still hope! He let me keep that. He heard everyones prayers. Though he may not have given the answer we wanted, but believe me he heard. I felt hurt by God. For a moment , but he yet and still allows me to hope in him.
In just these few short days of my Tristen going to be with him, he has revealed so many things in me. Though i'm sad at times (because we all know this is a process and there are always many different moments) he is still walking with me and talking with me and teaching me so much at this time.
Though another piece of me has died, there is a part that is yet alive with hope and faith in them.


klarsen said...

I think you are an amazing beautiful woman. I am in awe of your faith despite everything. I had such faith and hope for you as well---and I still do, too. Everyday of this journey, I will be here for you. I will do and be anything you need. Please always remember that and always remmeber that I am still always praying for you. xxx

Lori said...

Oh Shandrea...I just don't have any words. Just tears as I read yours.

I've said those very words..."But I believed...I trusted. I told EVERYONE they'd be wrong and this was my miracle. I BELIEVED."

And I'm crying as I rewrite them because they still feel that strong and yet they feel so let down and betrayed.

Praise God He stays with us still.

Friend, my heart is breaking for you but I am inspired by your hope and pray for you constantly.

Lilly's Mom (Desiree) said...

praying for you Sweet Friend.

Nan & Mike said...

I am in awe of your faith and perseverance. I know your journey HAS NOT ended and will always rally behind you, whatever you need, I got your back! I know the pain right now is the raw feelings of being broken and we know all too well that is part of the process and Im so sorry you have to endure this yet again. I hold all your babies in my heart, and Im with you always. Hold hubby tight today, and know that you did not fail anyone, ever.
Love, Nan xxx

Lisa Brown said...

Praying for you....

Marie W said...

Shandrea, I too have said those words. You did not have a lack of faith. In fact, in your blog posts you were always positive, always believing.... I wish I could reach out and hug you. We will never understand the mind of God, but know that I am praying for you and keeping you in thought. {hugs}

cgd said...

Your faith and hope are inspiring. I do not how you do it so soon after your loss. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I wish you continued strength and healing. Keeping you and your 3 babies in heart and thoughts.
~here from LCFA~

DeniFay said...

You are so right sweet Grace! God continues to give hope and though our prayers weren't answered according to our will, we pray instead for HIS will knowing that He knows so much better than us. We are both heartbroken, no doubt, but I feel that the hope that we have is for good reason, and I'm with you sister! We're going to continue this journey through, then we'll all meet up and share our rainbow babies together! Sending you all my love and support.

Michelle said...

Hi, I am a new follower and I just want you to know I am praying for continued support and love from those in real life who can hug you. We "baby loss community" will always be here, as you know. God's grace is amazing and so is your faith. I'm so sorry this has happened yet again.

Jennifer Ross said...

((hugs))... beautifully written. I just really don't know what to write. My heart just breaks for this loss. My prayers are with your family.

Andrea said...


I love you my precious friend and my heart is torn in two for all that you have endured. I honor your children, just as I honor Christian. Our children are a vital part of our lives and they are the bond that formed our friendships...friendships created in heaven. I only wish our paths had not converged this way.

Over the past year, you have been such a beautiful ray of sunshine in my life and an example of what it means to truly have FAITH, constant, unwavering FAITH. You have reminded me to trust in the Lord and despite your struggles you still have that same trust and faith...that is why I call you Amazing Grace. You embody that name so beautifully.

As for failing, you have failed no one. You fought for your babies, you fought for yourself and Robert and you believed and trusted. When most would have become angry and bitter you opted to find the good and look to the positive. You remained hopeful. Cling to that HOPE sweet friend and never lose sight of it, for without it we are nothing.

Lifting you up and sharing in your pain, shouldering your burden with you. I love you so much.


Antoinette said...

you are an inspiration to me to NOT turn my back on God....I do not know where you get your courage from and your loyalty and if it does come from the prayers than I am glad I can do SOMETHING for you....I do pray for you...and for some strange reason i believe that we do get to bring the rainbows home and that we only have ONE heart break in our lives..but it isnt so...we have TOO many realities surrounding us to be ignorant, but what we DO have is faith...I have a little more than I did since i met you..thank you for that xoxoxo

Katie said...

I am here from LCFA and I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am, for all of your losses. I will be praying for you, your husband, and your children.

Heather V said...

Found you through Deni ~ Oh, Shandrea, you are such an inspiration with your constant faith and hope. I am so very sorry for your losses. I know my words don't bring you any comfort but I can assure you that you and your husband will be in my prayers.

rebecca said...

So, so sorry for your loss. It is amazing isn't it, how God gives you the grace & strength to get through when you never would imagine it possible. I pray that you continue to feel the love & support of all the prayers going up for you & your family.

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