The past few days have been better than the days before. It's amazing what love and kindness can do for ones soul. It's true that the little things mean the most. I love the quick hello's or thinking of you's and the prayers sent. It does my soul good. I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you. I feel like i can never say it enough but there are no words good enough and that's the best i can come up with. But I have to send back the love that i have recieved. I pray peace in your hearts and minds, continued strength and hope in God, and that you feel the love that you all have so graciously and generously given to me.

Though this road is hard, i must say that i am truly blessed.

I am still standing, I am still loving and soon enough i know that i will begin living again the life that i am called to live, even with this new norm, i will do my best and embrace and new, better me.

Loving you all

and

Forever Loving My Angels


edit:

I would also like you all to stop over and show two angel mommies new to the blogging world some of your wonderful love and support

whilewerewaitinginfla.blogspot.com

and

tryingforbaby-ann.blogspot.com

sorry i didn't do a link. I'm not that savvy with this blogging yet.

God is so good

I've been so pressed down with grief that i've overlooked the good. I am thankful that it was brought back to me today. Since losing Tristen I have been shown such great love and kindness and it's often what i think about when i need to be picked up. But lately it seemed that the negative had almost gotten the best of me. Until today. Today i got a little tough love which i needed and i also got a a couple of nice things in the mail. One was from debby at for your tears. She is so sweet and wonderful and what she does is a blessing. I also got a book from Deni, the author of it wrote me the sweetest message. She said that i was an inspiration, and that people were blessed by me. I mean wow. Me a blessing ? an inspiration? it is truly God. I simply try to give back the love and support many have given me. But believe me i am certainly happy and thankful that i can help someone along the way. It felt good (still feels good ) to know that. It makes me feel good to know that i am loved and prayed for by so many and I pray that everyone knows that they are just as loved and never far from my prayer's. I may not be able to call out everyname, but God knows who's on my heart and i guarentee everyone of you are there. God is so good. I was at such a low today and God gave me just what i needed to go on. He is truly awesome.

Trying so hard to hold on, but it's so hard. No matter howmany women i meet in the baby lost community there seems to be 20times more in babybliss without a care in the world. I would so love to be there. I would say one day but who am i kidding i want to be there , seems like i need to be there soon. And even soon is not enough. I needed to be there yesterday. Geesh i am so tired of this up and down feeling. I wouldn't mind having a numb moment right now. But who am i kidding i will never be in baby bliss, i know all too well the things that can go wrong, but i'd settle for a nice beginning and a happy ending willing to do whatever i'd have to in between. But until then i guess i will just write and hope, and pray and hope, and wish and want

and did i say

Hope.

Glory Baby

My SIL ( this is the sil that we named xavien after) sent me this song. It brings tears to my eyes to listen to it but i have never heard truer words sung. I tried to find the video or code to the song but couldn't so i will just post the words.


Glory Baby by: Watermark


Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Forever Loving My Angels

Follow Up and a Little Randomness

So today was my follow up appointment. It went well. At least as well as it can go considering the circumstances. I'd made the latest appointment my doc had available and thankfully it was the perfect time. When i walked in ( a few minutes late, i now have no desire to be there early) there was only one other person there and if she was pg she didn't have a bump. Never had that office seemed so solemn until today. The nurses and receptionsist were all very nice, which is no surprise because they always are. Well enough rambling and on to the gist of things. He said i looked good and expressed his sympathies to me. He than began talking about future planning, and not in a pushy way, but he wanted me to know that he had been thinking about my case and that he had some idea's of how he would like to proceed (when i am ready of course). Because he was not my doctor before i became pg he wants to run some tests . First he wants to do a HSG to look at my uterus and make sure there are no elements such as fibroids or cysts affecting me holding a pregnancy, then once past that stage he wants to put the cerclage in before pg (which i'm thinking he's talking about a TAC, but he didn't call it that, so i will ask the next time i talk with him) , and also at the time of that he wants to perform a procedure to go in through my belly button (can't remember what he called it, even though i should. (shame i know) but i can't) and have a look at me from that way. It's amazing and i am so greatful to have a doctor determined to give me the happy ending that i so desire. But it's a bit unfair because i don't know that i will ever be ready to take that risk again. Yes I so so so so so so want to be an earthly mommy, but I don't know that i can risk bringing home another box of memories. Two was too many and three is definately over the limit.

I know that if we tried again that no matter what is done that i will worry from beginning to the end. I know that i will be scared to do anything, to use the bathroom, to walk down the hall, to stand, to sneeze to eat , to drink. All in the name of hoping that i make it to the finish line. It's not fair. It's not fair to me, my family or my friends. To worry that i will let myself and everyone down again. Can i risk it? I'm not sure, and a part of me is angry at myself for being torn. For even still thinking about trying again. Though some who do not understand this journey may not even see it as lives being lost, I do. Each angel that i had was a life lost. A beautiful life that never got to open their eyes, or smile or squeeze my hand. Can i do that, to myself, or another baby? Why should that even be a question?

My heart is heavy. I am broken and i don't know how to fix me. I don't even know if i can be fixed. But then again, to i want to be fixed? Though this hurts , oh how it hurts, I know that I am a better me. It's amazin how through all this pain one can say that they are better. But we get beautiful things such as diamonds from high temps and lots of pressure. So i guess it shoudn't be hard to believe that one can be made better or even beautiful from the pressure and pain of this journey. So I will be content, maybe even happy at being beautifully broken.

Forever Loving My Angels

Stranger

After someone has been away for a while and finally come back home, it wouldn't be strange to hear them say "I feel like a stranger in my own house". Well today that is kinda how I feel except i feel like a stranger in my own body. One moment i'm up and the next i'm down or somewhere in between. Today I broke down crying while making dinner. Thinking of how i will never be able to sit at the table with Camron, Xavien or Tristen and ask them "how was your day at school" or " what did you learn today". Those hopes and dreams are gone. And I hurt, my heart aches. I find myself hoping, begging, wishing, that i could have the happy me back. The me before I knew all the things that could go wrong with a pregnancy, the optimistic me, who could find the best in a situation, the me that could dream of childrens names and not be so cautious of waiting until i pass a ceartain milestone before i let myself think anything. I long for that me, I miss that me. I wish a smile could replace my tears. That joy could replace my heartbreak. I'm tired of this new norm. I want my old norm back. But no matter how hard I wish, how hard i hope, I can never get that person back. My reality is forever altered. So here i am again a staring at a familiar stranger. The me I will be for the rest of my life.

Tomorrow I should be 21wks. We should be halfway to the finishline. But of course time starts to fly by now. The days after he is gone. The days i needed time to move along so that something could be done to say him, drug by, but since i have been home empty, time seems as if it is on a mission and starts to zoom by. But here i sit with and empty stomach and bleeding heart wanting to beg God to let me have my precious baby back with me. sometimes i pinch myself hoping that i'm going to wake up from this dream. But it's not a dream . It's real. Tristen has joined his big brother and sister and too many angels to count. Oh how i wish i could wake up from this nightmare.


I am flesh , i will never understand Gods ways. For his understanding is far above our own. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to remember that all things are working togeather for my good. But it is hard. I can never have that perfect walk . There was only one man who walked this earth perfect in God and even he had a moment where he wanted the task to be removed. But in the mist of it all, in that moment of weakness he was yet strong and able to say "never the less, your will not mine"
So if even jesus had a moment, i know i will have plenty. I just pray i have the strength to say
"never the less your will not mine.

Forever Loving My Angels

Sunday July 4th i came home empty. Empty body, empty heart, empty soul. But of course how can something so broken hold anything. I'm not angry, i'm just simply hurt. hurt beyond belief. When i think of the many out there who don't know the blessings they have. The ones who could care less about the health, well being or lives they carry within or have been blessed to raise. Yet it seems they are the ones who are given more than one child and have the nerve to feel burdened or cursed. But maybe this is my jaded perspective on the matter because what comes so easy for them is so hard for me. But i myself could think of a lot of other ways for someone to be burdened or cursed. Or maybe i'm asking for the wrong thing. Should i instead say curse me with a beautiful healthy earthly child? because getting so close and losing yet another beautiful life has ripped me apart. I know that my babies make my reward in heaven that much greater, but right now at this moment, missing them here is hell.

But I have two choices and one of those two will get me nowhere. So I sit and i cry and i wait. I wait for healing, I wait to be made whole. I wait for my miracle.

As it says in

Philippians 4:6,7

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

So here i sit God, praying and waiting. I know you didn't promise it would be easy, so i'm holding on as best i can, if you'd please just wrap me in your arms a little tighter.

Forever Loving My Angels.

A Good Moment

I am having a good moment and of course there's no telling how long it will last, so i decided i should write it down, so when i'm having a sad one i can go to this and remember that good times do exist. Right now I can breathe, right now i can think and talk without crying. Right now i can do anything without crying, and of course that is a feat in and of itself. At this moment i am warmed at the thought of all the love and support and kindness i have been shown. Right now i can think of how much i love my babies and miss them, i can think of a happy future. This is a moment i shall not take for granted.

Forever Loving My Angels

Today hurts. Today is real. My baby is no longer with me. I can hardly breathe for crying. I still feel his kicks. I still feel him fighting to stay with me. But he is not here. I still feel the weight of him in my hands as i held him. He was heavier than his brother and sister. He looked so much like his daddy even then, that i sometimes can look at my husband without fighting back tears. I can only imagine how he'd looked if we would have made it all the way. Right now at this moment, i am tired and i am hurt. I want to go back. I want my baby with me. I want him back where he belongs. I suppose for a moment i had been in denial of it all, but yesterday, as we buried tristen and honored all three of our angels, it made it real. Yet waking up this morning empty, felt surreal. But it is absolutely real. I will never get to hold him again, or hug him or kiss him or sit him in my lap, or see his first smile or hear his first word or see him take his first step. He is gone. my baby is gone. I miss him. I miss them all.

Even Still

I can't say that "if my faith hadn't been shaken before" because it has. The only difference is this time it has been shaken to it very core. Just a sliver away from being broken seems like.

God's word said that ll i needed was the faith of a mustard seed. He said that all i had to do was to believe with my heart and i could move mountains. But yet , this time my mountain seems to have crumbled on top of me, suffocating me in sorrow. I almost stopped believing that. and thank god i can say almost and not did>

I believed. I truly believed with all my heart. This time was different, this time we'd get all the way. I thanks God everyday in that hospital that i awoke still having you with me. I prayed away doubts that tried to creep in. I knew that i had many praying for me. I just knew that you god had heard my prayers. I knew that he wouldn't take this precious blessing away from me. This time this one was mine to keep here. I praised him when i began to get not so great news. I thanked him anyhow because i just knew you were gonna make it. You had to , this was just supposed to be a test of faith and I just knew i would pass. I made it through two losses, I'd have to had learned something by now. I just knew , tristen would be my rainbow after the storm.

But, i guess i didn't have the faith i thought i had. For a moment i'd felt as if i'd failed my precious baby, i'd failed my husband and i.

And through this , all these crazy feelings, i still have hope. I hope one day to get it right. I hope one day to redeem all of my babies. I refuse to bring home another box of memories, broken dream and a sorrowful soul.

I would like to say that i am amazed that i can still hope. But I am not. I am however amazed at the power of God. In awe of it. Through it all he is truly amazing.

Why?

Because i can still hope! He let me keep that. He heard everyones prayers. Though he may not have given the answer we wanted, but believe me he heard. I felt hurt by God. For a moment , but he yet and still allows me to hope in him.

In just these few short days of my Tristen going to be with him, he has revealed so many things in me. Though i'm sad at times (because we all know this is a process and there are always many different moments) he is still walking with me and talking with me and teaching me so much at this time.

and

Though another piece of me has died, there is a part that is yet alive with hope and faith in them.

Beautiful Ladies

I first want to thank you all for the love and kindness and prayers you all have sent. I want you to know that i am truly thankful to God for all of you and the women that i can't even name right now. The love has been overwelming and it truly does my heart joy. I feel your prayers and i feel your love and know that eventhough Tristen had to go and be with his brother and sister and all the other angels, know that God heard you. Know that he listened. Because it can only be through your prayers and the many others who were praying for my husband and I that I have made it through as I have. Your prayers are the reason God has left me my sanity. Your prayers are the reason that i can sit here and type to you now. Yes I am broken. Truly truly broken, but i can't help but be joyful at all the people that God has put around me and in my life. I have witnessed some losing their faith after one loss, let alone any more than that. But I have not. I know that there is a lesson in all of this. I have recieved some answers without even getting on my knees to talk to God, but he let me know that he is with me and though i'm hurt i'm glad to know that. He is with me in your kind words and virtual hugs , your tears and of course your prayers.I have been writting the past couple of days because i couldn't get on my blog and there may be some things that i will post on there that may may seem that i have lost my faith, but know that i haven't . I still trust and believe in God and his power. Know that i love you all and i am still celebrating at your joys and milestones reached. Know that i still mourn with you at your hurts and trials but most of all know that i still love, that i can still smile and that though not quite the same I am still me.


With my deepest Love
Shandrea

the journey has ended

well it looks as though this journey has ended. Baby boy Tristen Ryan was born Saturday July 3 at 6:59pm @ only 19wks. He now joins his big brother and sis in heaven.

I love you.