Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Vent

On this journey i have come to realize a couple of things, 1) one cannot truly understand this journey unless you are walking ( i say walking b/c i believe that you truly never stop )( at least for most and you'll see in a bit why i say most) this journey. 2) there are just some who are rude, insensitive and or self absorbed people in this world. This has truly been shown to me over this past week. Last night i recieved a text from an aunt who lives out of state saying " all i want for x-mas is a financial blessing and for my kids to be happy" which i text back "well all i want is my baby in my arms". I mean i don't know maybe i am just overly sensitive right now, but that struck a chord. I mean who doesn't want there kids to be happy. But it's not like you don't know that my angel is not here with me, you know this is my second loss, why would you send me things about your children. Maybe it kinda bothered me b/c she is always sending me texts ending with love her, her hubby's name, her childrens names followed by family. Yes i am glad that you have a family and that you all are doing well, but honestly right now i don't wanna hear about them or the new baby and how they run you ragged sometimes. I mean i wish i could be holding my camron right now ( which he would be three months now) and even greater i would love to be holding him with xavien still in my oven baking. But that is not my reality right now and i'd rather be left out of the mass texts.But as i have said our journey is not something you can understand unless you are walking it. Then there is my SIL (which i have 7 so i will call her SIL#2). Well a few days after i get out the hospital SIL#2 calls supposedly to check up on me. I thought that okay well she has been through this before so certainly she knows what i'm going through, so i tell her that i have been balling my eyes out, well after telling her that you wouldn't know that i had told her anything b/c she proceeds with telling me how she's been crying for 4 days straight b/c her and her boyfriend broke up, and how people at work or treating her badly and how she can't bellieve people can be so mean and how she was told that her ex-husband and his new wife are expecting. I mean really! You think i want to hear all this right now. Yes you are hurting right now, but do you really think i 'm the one to call about your problems. I have my own hurt to deal with. Then to top that off, she calls me the other day to ask me if i still have the tape of her when she was pg, b/c she doesn't know why but she wants to watch it. I mean COME ON! why would you even call me and ask me about that. Can someone really be that dense? Especially someone who has had a mc. Yes it's been like 4 yrs since, but how can you forget what it's like? How do you forget that pain? God i pray that i don't forget. Yes it's painful at times, but i don't want to forget, i want to be a help to people and encouragement for them. I wouldn't trade the memory of my babies for anything. They are more than memories, they are a part of me. But i am going to end this on a good note and say THANK GOD for the people he put in my life to cancel out the bad that i run into every now and again. THANK GOD

3 comments:

DeniFay said...

Hey hon! I am amazed almost daily by the insesitive things people say and don't understand it, but I know it's making me a better, more thoughtful person! And as you ended it, I'm also in awe of how kind some people can be, even people who've never been through it! You are a blessing sweetie! Keep the faith and come to us when all seems terrible!! Love you!

Andrea said...

Sweet Girl, as Deni says, seek us as your source of refuge in the storm.

Yes, people are self absorbed and immersed in their "world" and take little time to remember how another may be feeling. Recently, I told my MIL that I wasn't sending Christmas cards, as I didn't have it in me. She responded by saying "cause your depressed?" See, open mouth insert foot! I wanted to say "because I'm struggeling to find my way and make sense of not having given birth to our sweet baby on Dec. 2nd. But, I let it go....

One way I am combatting all of these emotions is to do just the opposite and not be self indulgent, but show love to another in need. It helps, a little....

My advice, be honest, tell these people that you are hurting and why. And, when I can't go there, I just delete emails and don't read or respond to text, etc...even my own Mother has said insensitive things, so it happens. I'm not excusing the insensitivity in any way, but people are just selfish and self absorbed!!!

Hope you have a better day and know you are never alone, never :)

Love to you,
Andrea

Laura said...

I am so sorry to read about your losses!! Reading your post made me remember when I was where you are now... After I lost my son, I became pregnant again and it leaked that perhaps I was having a girl... my SIL (who has boys) said, "Figures... she ALWAYS gets what she wants!" REALLY??? Did I want to have my son be born still??? People can be really dense sometimes- love the bloggin world- wonderful therapy to get it all out!
Hugs-
Laura
(momentsofpause)

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