Friday, December 11, 2009

To Camron

This is something that i thought when we lost camron but was never able to write it for some reason, (probably because i couldn't get through thinking it without crying) but it's something that i don't ever want to forget so i decided to post it today........

To Camron
On december 23 i heard a voice say to me, it's here, the dream you waited for , and on january 3 a home test said it's true, a big positive said i had been blessed with you, and just to be sure on January 12 a doctor confirmed that the home test was correct and so was that voice i heard, and so i fell in love with you, i hoped and i dreamed for you, all before even seeing your face. Then i heard your heart beat and that made you all the more real. I smiled , my heart smiled my soul smiled, But on april 14 2009 my womb opened and a voice said "daughter it's time" He is much too perfect for this earth , so 5months early to you i gave birth. And as i held you, i cried, hoping that my tears could be your water of life, and as i cried i breathed, i breathed so deeply because not only was i breathing for me, but for you, hoping if it was deep enough and long enough that i could give you the breath of life, that if i just kept breathing that eventually i would see the rise and fall of your tiny chest and that if i cried hard enough my cries would be your cries, and that you would would come back to me. But you didn't, you couldn't. So now i sit and think of you, i think of all the hopes and dreams that i had for you. I sit and i think of how i'd fallen in love before even seeing your face, i think of the first time i heard your heart beat, i sit and think of how it felt holding you in the palm of my hand, and though you are gone from this earth you will never be forgotten. You will always be my first born. You will always be loved. You will always be mine. My camron.
I love you.

6 comments:

The Blue Sparrow said...

Shandrea, that was such a beautiful letter to your angel. It brought tears to my eyes. Sending prayers and loving thoughts your way. *HUGS*

DeniFay said...

Your words are just breathtaking! Beautiful, how special you are and how blessed your children are with such a wonderful mommy!

Nan & Mike said...

*tears* how beautiful honey. Your babies are blessed to have you as their Mommy. I love this post. Hugs and love to you xoxxo Nan

klarsen said...

How beautiful, Shandrea. I can relate to every word. I feel them all myself. God bless. HUGS, Katy

Andrea said...

Amazing Grace,

As you know, I have given you this special name, as you always show grace and faith in your darkest hour. I'm so happy you were able to share these words with your angel and allow us the privledge to know him. Isn't LOVE amazing? How deeply we connect with our childen...it is a love like no other and I wouldn't take anything for knowing this love, even through the pain.

This post is "special" like Camron. Tears flood my eyes, but I know they help cleanse your heart. Keep writing Grace, keep writing :)

xoxo

Angie said...

Dear Shandrea !

I found your blog through Andreas blog !
I was so sad to hear about your loss.
I admire you for being so strong and hold on to faith .
Thank you for sharing how you got on at your doctors appointment .I have been thinkin about you so much and wondered why this happened.
Its so heartbreaking that you had to suffer this twice but yet Im so very happy that you now know why it happened and that its something that can be prevented in the future , I think the couple that started the website " Coping with m/c " also suffered two losses before they discovered it was incompetent cervix and then they went on to have healthy babies .
Im sending you lots of love and hugs hoping that next year will bring you all the joy and hapiness your so much deserve .

Love - Angie H

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