Bitter Sweet

This week has truly been bittersweet. It all started monday morning at 6:39am when i got a call from my mother informing me that my sister has gone into labor and they are on the way to the hospital, (bittersweet) i was excited and conflicted all at the same time. Should i stay or should i go? I want to be there, this is my sister, she wants me there, she would be hurt if i wasnt. So in that moment, i decided to go, to be there in the room like we planned from the beginning, i mean i was gonna be down there for x-mas anyway so a few days early wouldn't matter, so i gathered my things and off on a 2 and half hour drive i went. i made to the hospital in time, she was only at 5cm. so there i was in the room with her, excited and sad all at the same time. This should have been a happy occasion, i should have been anticipating what i would be going through with xavien, or i should have been excited to introduce camron to his new cousin, but i am not and at that moment it was okay. She delivered a beautiful 5lb 13oz baby girl at 6:02 pm, i was there through it, i held her legs and cheered her on to push, i was strong, i held it togeather until my niece made her arrival , and then she cried announcing her arrival into the world, and at that moment i was weak, i kissed my sister and told her she did good and then i made my exit to the nearest restroom , slid to the floor and cried . Cried for my my babies , for me , for the short time that we got to spend togeather. It's crazy how i could feel such joy and utter sadness all at once, talk about a ball of emotions. So now i am here at my moms trying to hold strong, enduring all the excitement and baby talk, and pictures and more talk, wishing i could just go home back to my house and curl up in my bed and not move, but i cant b/c i know if i said i was leaving that it would hurt my moms feelings and i would rather me cry than her cry, so i am still here trying to keep a happy face while i feel as though i am slowly dying inside, but that's okay, i can handle it (can't i ?) so as long as they are happy. So in an attempt not to fall apart, i am doing as andrea said to me ( lol) i am faking it until i make it, i have one more day and then i can go home, i can do one more day. right. of course i can and soon this bittersweet week will be over.