Thursday, December 17, 2009

If only

My day started so well, but now here i am at 1 in the morning , crying. Thinking of my angels and wondering why? Why is it so easy for others and yet seems to be so hard for me. Suddenly i'm surrounded by friends who have given birth, just finding out they are pregnant and some having their 3 or 4. Yet hear i sit missing my babies and wondering why? Since i was younger i knew that i was meant to be 2 things in life, a wife and a mother, while most of my friends had dreams of being dotors and nurses and teachers and lawyers, i dreamed of my husband and the children we'd have and the kind of wife and mother i'd be, but the part of this dream seems to have eluded me. It seems that maybe god has me on a different path, or maybe it's just a detour. If only i had a hint or a clue or just a piece of his plan for me or my purpose, then maybe i wouldn't hurt so bad, maybe i wouldn't feel so hollow and empty as i do now. If only.............


Andrea said...

Sweet Friend,

You WILL hold Earthly babies in your arms, I promise, you will. My heart aches that your journey has been long and difficult and heart wrenching. No one deserves to endure what you have been dealt, no one. I think of you every day and pray for you often. What you have been through would have broken most people, yet you remain loving, caring and kind. Continue to surround yourself with those who love you and care for you as you heal.

I fully understand the question "when will it be my turn?" I've asked myself that so many times. Like you, my dreams have always been filled with being not just a Mother, but a loving, compassionate Mother well connected to her children. I want to go to play groups, school plays, the zoo, sunday school and numerous other things. Part of me wonders if I ever will, but the other part of me "knows I will" as will you.

Keep the faith my sweet friend, we are BOTH going to see this dream come to fruition. All while loving angels and feeling the brush of their wings against our hearts.

Sending you love and prayers,

DeniFay said...


Those 'if onlys' plague us each day! So weird how a day can start so well and then just dissolve that quickly!

One day all of our dreams will be realized, until then we hold on to each other, trust God to provide, & keep tying that rope!!

Love and hugs sweet friend!!

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