Happy? New Year

For the past couple of days i have been well. At least as well as i can be , no crying no moping around, but it seems as though the closer it gets to the new year the sadder i get. I'm not sad at saying goodbye to 2009 b/c it has been one of the most difficult years of my life, but no matter happy i am to say goodbye my heart aches when thinking of saying hello to 2010. Yes i wish us all a happy new year and that it is better than this one, and that things are gonna be better, but i will also be greeted with knowing that in april i should be saying hello to a beautiful little girl. But i won't and for that my heart aches. April 27 i should be holding my baby in my arms, but i won't. I still can't come to grip with that. How can i start my new year with fresh pain. I am trying so hard to hold on to hope that it is gonna be better, but right now, at this moment, i wish i could go back. Back to when my baby was safe in my stomach, growing and moving and getting all the things she needed in order to be ready for this world. If i could go back........

Bitter Sweet

This week has truly been bittersweet. It all started monday morning at 6:39am when i got a call from my mother informing me that my sister has gone into labor and they are on the way to the hospital, (bittersweet) i was excited and conflicted all at the same time. Should i stay or should i go? I want to be there, this is my sister, she wants me there, she would be hurt if i wasnt. So in that moment, i decided to go, to be there in the room like we planned from the beginning, i mean i was gonna be down there for x-mas anyway so a few days early wouldn't matter, so i gathered my things and off on a 2 and half hour drive i went. i made to the hospital in time, she was only at 5cm. so there i was in the room with her, excited and sad all at the same time. This should have been a happy occasion, i should have been anticipating what i would be going through with xavien, or i should have been excited to introduce camron to his new cousin, but i am not and at that moment it was okay. She delivered a beautiful 5lb 13oz baby girl at 6:02 pm, i was there through it, i held her legs and cheered her on to push, i was strong, i held it togeather until my niece made her arrival , and then she cried announcing her arrival into the world, and at that moment i was weak, i kissed my sister and told her she did good and then i made my exit to the nearest restroom , slid to the floor and cried . Cried for my my babies , for me , for the short time that we got to spend togeather. It's crazy how i could feel such joy and utter sadness all at once, talk about a ball of emotions. So now i am here at my moms trying to hold strong, enduring all the excitement and baby talk, and pictures and more talk, wishing i could just go home back to my house and curl up in my bed and not move, but i cant b/c i know if i said i was leaving that it would hurt my moms feelings and i would rather me cry than her cry, so i am still here trying to keep a happy face while i feel as though i am slowly dying inside, but that's okay, i can handle it (can't i ?) so as long as they are happy. So in an attempt not to fall apart, i am doing as andrea said to me ( lol) i am faking it until i make it, i have one more day and then i can go home, i can do one more day. right. of course i can and soon this bittersweet week will be over.

If only

My day started so well, but now here i am at 1 in the morning , crying. Thinking of my angels and wondering why? Why is it so easy for others and yet seems to be so hard for me. Suddenly i'm surrounded by friends who have given birth, just finding out they are pregnant and some having their 3 or 4. Yet hear i sit missing my babies and wondering why? Since i was younger i knew that i was meant to be 2 things in life, a wife and a mother, while most of my friends had dreams of being dotors and nurses and teachers and lawyers, i dreamed of my husband and the children we'd have and the kind of wife and mother i'd be, but the part of this dream seems to have eluded me. It seems that maybe god has me on a different path, or maybe it's just a detour. If only i had a hint or a clue or just a piece of his plan for me or my purpose, then maybe i wouldn't hurt so bad, maybe i wouldn't feel so hollow and empty as i do now. If only.............

Our babies are more than memories.

They are pieces of our hearts.

Their footprints are embedded upon our souls.

Forever changing our lives.

Vent

On this journey i have come to realize a couple of things, 1) one cannot truly understand this journey unless you are walking ( i say walking b/c i believe that you truly never stop )( at least for most and you'll see in a bit why i say most) this journey. 2) there are just some who are rude, insensitive and or self absorbed people in this world. This has truly been shown to me over this past week. Last night i recieved a text from an aunt who lives out of state saying " all i want for x-mas is a financial blessing and for my kids to be happy" which i text back "well all i want is my baby in my arms". I mean i don't know maybe i am just overly sensitive right now, but that struck a chord. I mean who doesn't want there kids to be happy. But it's not like you don't know that my angel is not here with me, you know this is my second loss, why would you send me things about your children. Maybe it kinda bothered me b/c she is always sending me texts ending with love her, her hubby's name, her childrens names followed by family. Yes i am glad that you have a family and that you all are doing well, but honestly right now i don't wanna hear about them or the new baby and how they run you ragged sometimes. I mean i wish i could be holding my camron right now ( which he would be three months now) and even greater i would love to be holding him with xavien still in my oven baking. But that is not my reality right now and i'd rather be left out of the mass texts.But as i have said our journey is not something you can understand unless you are walking it. Then there is my SIL (which i have 7 so i will call her SIL#2). Well a few days after i get out the hospital SIL#2 calls supposedly to check up on me. I thought that okay well she has been through this before so certainly she knows what i'm going through, so i tell her that i have been balling my eyes out, well after telling her that you wouldn't know that i had told her anything b/c she proceeds with telling me how she's been crying for 4 days straight b/c her and her boyfriend broke up, and how people at work or treating her badly and how she can't bellieve people can be so mean and how she was told that her ex-husband and his new wife are expecting. I mean really! You think i want to hear all this right now. Yes you are hurting right now, but do you really think i 'm the one to call about your problems. I have my own hurt to deal with. Then to top that off, she calls me the other day to ask me if i still have the tape of her when she was pg, b/c she doesn't know why but she wants to watch it. I mean COME ON! why would you even call me and ask me about that. Can someone really be that dense? Especially someone who has had a mc. Yes it's been like 4 yrs since, but how can you forget what it's like? How do you forget that pain? God i pray that i don't forget. Yes it's painful at times, but i don't want to forget, i want to be a help to people and encouragement for them. I wouldn't trade the memory of my babies for anything. They are more than memories, they are a part of me. But i am going to end this on a good note and say THANK GOD for the people he put in my life to cancel out the bad that i run into every now and again. THANK GOD

To Camron

This is something that i thought when we lost camron but was never able to write it for some reason, (probably because i couldn't get through thinking it without crying) but it's something that i don't ever want to forget so i decided to post it today........

To Camron

On december 23 i heard a voice say to me, it's here, the dream you waited for , and on january 3 a home test said it's true, a big positive said i had been blessed with you, and just to be sure on January 12 a doctor confirmed that the home test was correct and so was that voice i heard, and so i fell in love with you, i hoped and i dreamed for you, all before even seeing your face. Then i heard your heart beat and that made you all the more real. I smiled , my heart smiled my soul smiled, But on april 14 2009 my womb opened and a voice said "daughter it's time" He is much too perfect for this earth , so 5months early to you i gave birth. And as i held you, i cried, hoping that my tears could be your water of life, and as i cried i breathed, i breathed so deeply because not only was i breathing for me, but for you, hoping if it was deep enough and long enough that i could give you the breath of life, that if i just kept breathing that eventually i would see the rise and fall of your tiny chest and that if i cried hard enough my cries would be your cries, and that you would would come back to me. But you didn't, you couldn't. So now i sit and think of you, i think of all the hopes and dreams that i had for you. I sit and i think of how i'd fallen in love before even seeing your face, i think of the first time i heard your heart beat, i sit and think of how it felt holding you in the palm of my hand, and though you are gone from this earth you will never be forgotten. You will always be my first born. You will always be loved. You will always be mine. My camron.

I love you.

The Checkup

So today i took the drive that i have been so nervous about. My two week checkup. So off to the doctor i went, not realizing how nervous about it i actually was . I had to turn around once b/c my mind was raceing with so many thoughts i missed my exit, then i almost missed the turn to the doctors office. But i mad it on time. So i walk inside sign in, sit down and wait to be called. I want to thank everyone for your prayers, god really had his ears opened b/c even though there were others there, it wasn't that many and only a few of them had bellies and if the others were pg, they were not showing yet. So i sit and wait and write a little bit, trying not to look to my left or my right. My husband sits quietly beside watching tv, which thank god again b/c it was a talkshow on and not on a baby channell that offices sometimes play.Finally we are called to the back, my weight and vitals are taken and then we are sent to a room to wait on the doctor. If i wasn't nervous i don't know what i was. Well finally the doctor comes in and asks me what happened, i think he was just as surprised that i miscarried as i was when it happened, but he actually did the last thing i expected him to do...... he apologized, he actually said he was sorry and actually looked as though he meant it, he actually told me that he had misjudged, that he had went by the text book, which says that an incompatent cervix is not really declared until after a minimum of 2 miscarriages (which i think really sucks that one has to go through that much pain before a diagnosis is truly declared) So he examines me and lets me know that everything is well and he also talks to us a little more giving us some info and also talking to us about a plan for the next time, and eventhough his apologizing wont bring my beautiful angel back, it stilled eased my heart a bit to know that he was concerned and actually cared. So again i thank you all for your prayers and i thank god for listening, because today i have a renewed since of hope. and as long as i have hope everything else will come. So today i end this sending HUGE amounts of HOPE and LOVE to you all. As long as we have that, we all will weather this storm togeather.

Two Weeks

it has been almost two weeks since i lost my 2cnd angel. I know this b/c i go in tomorrow for my two week check up. I'm nervous, sad and angry all at the same time. I'm nervous b/c i have to go in a waiting room with women who have bellies and baby's in their arms, i'm gonna pray that i don't break down crying in the waiting area, i'm sad of course b/c my baby is gone, and i'm angry b/c i was told everything would be alright and a wk later my precious baby was gone. So now what do i say to the doctor who told me everything looked fine, how do i react, well how will i react is the better question? i honestly don't know. All i know is that i want my baby back safe where she can grow and be warm and be loved. I know that i am tired of hearing baby announcements from people who either have like 4 or 5 already or people who complain b/c they found out they are pg. i mean if only they could understand, ( i'm not saying that i wish this on them at all, i wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy) but if they had a inkling of what we baby lost moms go through, i know they wouldn't complain or contemplate certain solutions to what they deem their problems. But now i am just rambling so i am going to enrdd here and just say "Lord give me strength"

For My babies

I found this poem and i thought it was so fitting of how i felt so i had to post it.....

For My Baby

by Sara Rogers

Though your feet never got to walk,

Your delicate footprints will always be etched in my soul.

Though your eyes never got to weep,

Your silver tears will always haunt my dreams.

Though your lungs never got to fill,

Your undrawn breath will always drift in my breast.

Though your fingers never got to reach,

Your golden touch will always be imprinted on my palm.

Though your lips never got to move,

Your silent words will always echo in my mind.

Though your heart never got to love,

Your beautiful spirit will always be cradled in my arms.

Broken

Today i am lost. I suppose i could just say it's a dip on this rollercoaster ride that i am on. Though I know i'm not, i still fee so alone at this moment, well maybe not alone but empty, would be a better word. Yes that's it empty, wishing that all of this was just a big nightmare, that i would wake up and my belly would still be filled with my beautiful baby. But it isn't a nightmare, it's real, my second angel is gone, she is in heaven with her brother. Today i have done what i refused to do yesterday, I cried and cried and cried. I cried until there was nothing left, then i lay silently until i had more tears and i cried some more. I cry even now as i write this. Today i asked god why, hoping that maybe if he made me understand, then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much, but there is no answer, so i remain broken , all the while still hopeful, wishing that my hope could replace the hurt, but unfortunately it doesn't, so today i cry but i still have hope. I will hold an earthly baby oneday. Though i'm in a rough patch i will remain faithful b/c i truly know that god is able, but right now i cry.

Thankful

Today i decided to be thankful. Not to dwell on all the things that could have been or should have been done. Not on loss or lonelyness. Not to think about yesterday or worry about tomorrow because yesterday is over and there's nothing i can change in it and tomorrow will have it's own set of things to deal with when it comes. So today i decided that instead of wallowing in the hurt and the bad that i am going to focus on the good. Though my year has been hard and trying i have chosen to focus on the blessing within it. Even when it seems like i have no one god still gives me signs that he is still around and carrying me through my storm. All i had to do was pay attention. So today i chose to look and listen, and i am thankful. I am thankful b/c through it all he has shown me that i am not alone in this journey. I have my family. My wonderful husband who holds me , cries with me or just holds me as i cry, who tells me that i am beautiful and how much he loves me. I have my mother and my sister who held my hands and cried with me while i gave birth to my beautiful baby girl who left this earth too soon, the encourage me and tell me to keep my faith, they quote gods word to me and let me know that all is not lost, the call and check on me to make sure i am okay, they e-mail me just to let me know they love me. I am thankful for my grandmother who took care of me when i got out of the hospital, i didn't have to lift a finger if i didn't want to for three days, and who calls to check on me and lets me know i was on her mind. I am thankful for my uncle who brought me a card and chocolate and told me he loves me and he is here for me. I am thankful for my mother in law who makes sure i am okay and encourages me to keep my faith, my sis in law who calls just to make me smile. I am thankful for my church family who lets me know they love me and that i am in their prayers. I am thankful that i found the website www.ourmiscarriage.com b/c without it i don't know if i would still be sane write now, and lastly but especially not least i am thankful for the wonderful women that i met on the website who know exactly how i feel and that i am truly not alone. They allow me to lean on them when i am week, they support and encourage me to hold on, who are strong for me when i can't be, who also strengthen me by allowing me to be strong for them, to be the knot at the end of their rope when they can't tie, for the virtual hugs and exchanges of rainbows, hope , prayers and baby dust. For all of these things i am TRULY THANKFUL! God has shown me that i am not alone, though i may feel like it at times he has shown me that he has always been there and always will be, i just have to pay attention and i am sure that if you think about it, you will find that he has not left you either that he is there. Just look for the signs.

Hugs and Love

Shandrea

Questions

As i sit at home i thought about all the questions people ask you, like, what's wrong, what happened, are you okay, how are you feeling ect. And i thought about the couple of times i did answer them and got no reply or if i did get a reply it was a " oh" or "i'm so sorry'. So in thinking about this i came up with this poem , well not sure if it is a poem or a short story or just a thought but however you choose to classify it i wanted to share it with you all today, to see if anyone could relate or is it just me

if i told you that i lost a piece of me today, what would you say, would you hold me and let me cry in your arms or would you simply go on about your day, would you show me sympathy or even try to find words or just pretend that you miss heard. surely you can't understand what i am goin through, i mean it's not everyday that you loose a part of you. or even a lifetime or a decade, but it happens. it happened to me, i lost a piece of me, no wait not a piece a chunk that has left a big gaping wound where my heart used to be, i'm bleeding profusely,no i'm hemraging and i don't know how to stop it, but in the mist of it god came and a said daughter i feel your pain,he allowed me to sleep while he put me back together, and when i feel empyty he fills me me with his word, yea though i walk through the valley of the shadow of death, i will fear no evil, for thou art with me. so even if you don't say a word i now know that if i tell you that i lost a piece of me today you and can't find the words , it's okay, my father in heaven knows what to say.

Hugs and Love to all
Shandrea

Didn't know my own Strength

I saw this quote in an e-mail that someone sent me and i thought "wow, how fitting" it said

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the ONLY choice that you have"

I mean, wow! How true is that. I never thought in a million years that i could endure this kind of pain, not once but twice in the same year. But as the quote said when being strong is your only choice what do you do, i mean there are a few other choices but to me being strong is best one. I mean yes i could lay in bed all day and stare at the walls for the rest of my existance but all that would do is give me bed sores, or i could not eat in protest , but that would only leave me hungry and even more upset, or i could cry until there are no more tears left (which i have done, but just not every day) which leaves me with dry burning and itchy eyes, or i could just give up on everything, but what would that profit me? Why choose to live in misery, why choose to live in heartache, why choose to dwell on the what if's the why's or could've beens. I choose to be strong, i choose to make my my angels proud, i choose faith, i choose hope, i choose to know that there are greater things in store for me. I choose to be strong and fight it out and strive for the happiness i know i deserve. as i thought about this i thought about job, and how god had tried and tested his faith, i mean this man lost his children, not just one but like what 6 or 7 ( can't remember exactly but it was a lot) not only did he loose his children but he lost crops and was stricken w/disease, yet and still through all this he kept his faith, he kept believing that god is able, even though there were those that told him to curse god and die, he still kept believeing and in the end god blessed him with double what he had before. So today i am choosing to be like Job, no matter what, i am going to do my best to hold on, and take comfort in knowing that my latter will be greater than my past, and that one day i will hold an earthly baby in my arms. I hope you will choose the same:)

An introduction

This is my first time blogging and i am not sure how to begin so i figured i would introduce myself a bit and explain what brought me here.

My name is shandrea i am 26yrs old and i am doing this in memory of my precious angels camron jaiden and xaven zaraih. In janurary of 2009 my husband and i found out we were pregnant with our first child togeather ( he has a son 8 and a daughter 7 from a previous relationship) we were so excited and happy but on april 14 of this year our world cam crashing down when we miscarried at 18 weeks. But at the end of august we found out that we were blessed again to be pregnant, but again that unfortunately ended on Nov.26. So now i sit with so many thougts running through my head of how and why and what if's and i didn't know what to do with them, so thanks to two wonderful women who's blogs give me such hope and encouragement i thought i could try and do the same while letting out my feelings when i feel i can't speak. So here goes .