Back here again

After a few days of peace, and dare i say it , a little bit of happiness. The sadness is back and it sucks. it started yesterday when i found out i'm gonna have to wait a little longer than i wanted before i can start school. and i know i know it's nothing major, that at least i will still get to go, just not when i want to. But the having to wait is not why i cried. I cried b/c i went to visit the school with an expectation and unfortunately what i expected didn't happen, I cried b/c i just wanted something to go my way. This past year and a half has been nothing but heartache and i just wanted a moment of good news for me. Sometimes i feel like i ask God for too much at once but then i think he's a mighty God he's able to do exceedingly abundantly more that i can ever imagine, so the things that i ask for arent much at all. which then leads me to wandering what am i doing wrong, what am i missing, what am i not seeing. I mean i am truly thankful that he hears my prayers when I ask him to bless others. I am truly happy for them when i hear of therir good news. But i just want, no need just something good in my life. I know that good things are coming my way, I just need to them to come a little quicker i guess.

Loving My Angels

A Lovely Award;o)

Today I've recieved a lovely award from a new blogger (well not really new per say, but new to me) and i must tell her that I am so very thankful that she thought of me;o)

So again i say thank you to butterflymom for thinking of me. You just don't know how much your kindness lifts my spirits ;O)

And now for the rules:

1. Accept the award and post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.

2. Pay it forward to 10 other bloggers that you have newly discovered. (Now they probably won't be newly discoverd because i don't have a lot of those, though i could give it back to butterflymom , but i wouldn't want to play ping pong now would I ;o) )


3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they have been chosen.


So here are my 10 ;O)

1. http://whilewerewaitinginfla.blogspot.com/

2. http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/

3. http://jenn625.blogspot.com/

4. http://kristieverret.blogspot.com/

5. http://makingourtroxclairfamily.blogspot.com/

6. http://fortheloveofaudrey.blogspot.com/

7. http://loridoesmd.blogspot.com/

8. http://livinglife-angie.blogspot.com/

9. http://wwwforyourtears.blogspot.com/

10. http://adventuresininfertilityland.blogspot.com/

There are many more lovely blogs that i would have love to put but for one the rules say on 10 and for two if i did put them all i would be here all night:O) .

p.s Andrea I wanted to put you but you were already nominated ;O) but hey i still linked your blog just now huh;O) LoL

Loving My Angels

Pray Pray Pray!

I Just saw this on facebook and i haven't heard anything new as of recently but the post said that Katy has been rushed to L&D with cramping and bleeding. She is carrying her rainbow Eliana. She is not due until the end of December. So i am soliciting all of my BLM's out here in blog land and whoever else may be lurking to please send up prayers for this sweet soul and her baby.


Update:

bleeding has stopped. contractions appear to have stopped/slowed down. waiting on test results to see if she is to stay in L&D or get to go home.


Update to the Update:
Good news . Tests negative. She's going home. but please continue to pray .


I love you katy and we are praying for you. ((HUGS))

I Am, I Will

I am a child of God. He loves me. I am his and he is mine. I will hope in him, i will believe in him. with him i am able to do all things. This is what i will hold too. When anxiety tries to rear it's ugly head, when hopelessness tries to push it's way in. I am done. Done giving in to the sadness, done giving into despair and hurt and pain. That is not the way my God has destined me to live. Yes there will still be tears. yes there will still be moments, but they will not own me. I will not give in to the tricks of the enemy. My body , mind and spirit belongs to God. I choose to walk with him, to walk in him. I know that I have purpose. I knw that it one day shall be revealed. I know that i will look back on all that i've been through and thank God because of what it brought me. I will forever love my babies that are residing in that sweet place i one day hope to be that i can see their beautiful faces again, but while im here i will remember the things that they've taught me , the blessings and people they have brought me, i will continue to love deeply, do my best to forgive more quickly, to bless others as they have blessed me. Most importantly to continue to do my best, not just my best but the best in me that God has given me as i trudge along this journey.

Loving My Angels

Hello Aunt Flo

Hello Aunt Flo,

I'm glad that you've stopped by to let me know that yes i do still have eggs
that i still have a chance at one day turning one those eggs into a baby.
A baby that i will hopefully one day get to keep.

I could do without the bloating, cramps and sore boobs (think about that on your next visit)

Although I'm glad to say hello please feel free at anytime to just as quickly go;o)

Loving My Angels

Aren't Enough

I went to check my mail today (finally after like a week and a half) and found this! :O)

The pictures do it no justice. It is simply beautiful!

Did one of you actually make this ? or was it each of you made a piece? However you did it I love it and i can't stop staring and smiling at it;o)

Words aren't enough to express the thoughtfulness, kindess and love shown to me since i've started this jouney. They aren't enough to express my gratitude, and Love for the women who uplift me. Though this is a journey that i wouldn't choose for myself or any other of the wonderful women i've met, I am glad that i am walking it with you. Yes the grief is heavy at times, but God has certainly chosen a select group of women. To love and care so deeply for not just your own pain and grief but for those around you as well . I can say that b/c i've run into women IRL who have had m/c's and seem to not be fazed by it one bit, and i don't mean the she's just trying to stay strong in public facade. I mean who truly don't seem to be bothered by it at all. But here, God has placed with me many wonderful beautiful people to help me when i am down, to keep my spirit up when i feel it's waining away. I wish i had my own private plane because i would fly to each of you and just hug you. I love you all so much. But again words just arent enough.

My Fab4

Deni, Nan, Andrea, Angie you are the ladies that so gracefully and lovingly reached out to me when i first began this journey. You have been by my side ever since, with calls , cards , texts, gift's and most importantly love and support.

Karen,Katy, Missy, Wendy,Lori, Becky, Heather, Holly and Kristie My Threads of Hope Pieces of Joy Though that was the book from the biblestudy where i got to you a little better;o) That is what you all give me with even the smallest gesture of e-mails and gifts like this one.

Matter of Factly that is what all of you are to me. My threads of hope and actually more than pieces, but my joy. I can say all of this, but yet these words aren't enough. So once you read this just do me a favor and wrap your arms around yourselves really tight and give yourself a big hug from me.

Loving My Angels

p.s. I need addresses. If i don't already have yours I need it. You can e-mail it to me atoneshandrea04@gmail.com

I Wish

I wish i could post something happy. I wish i could post all the wonderful things in my life. Because though it's shadowed by grief, there are still good things, wonderful things, in my life. Unfortunately, the sadness seems to overshadow the good. And i wish that i could just focus on the good, i wish that i could keep trudging ahead with no problems. But as of late, I can't. I'm all over the place. I feel like a crazy person. Eventhough I know and feel without a doubt that good things are coming, I cannot shake this heaviness of grief. I want to smile and be happy (more than just for a moment), I want a little bit more of the old me, just a tiny bit more. But of course most of the old me is gone.



Emotionally I have been all over the place for the past week and a half, I feel like a crazy person. I have so so so much hope but yet I still cry. I can say that some of the crying has been out of happiness for others (which i'm glad about) but the most part it's from being sad, or hurt or frustrated, At the smallest things. and i do mean small. case and point: the other day i was getting ready for church and upon heading out the door i couldn't find my medicine that i needed to take and only after a few seconds of not remembering where i put it , i bust into tears and I'm not even sure why I was so frustrated. and of course when i found them they were right in my face. I think it is time that along with finding a peri that i find a therapist as well.





On the peri front, thanks to the Help of my Fab4 we have narrowed the search down to a few doctors. so now i am just doing my best to be patient and see where the road takes me.

Loveing My Angels

Peri's

I am currently looking for a peri. I want to find the best doctor for me for the time that we ttc again. I want to make sure there won't have to be any guessing games or trying something and it not work out. I want to make sure i do everything right this time to the best of my ability . I want to know all my options if any. I am in no way downing my current doc. but i want to see if there are other solutions than the one that he is proposing. So i would like suggestions or recommendations from anyone in the Houston area or may not be in the houston are but can suggest someone in this are. . So if anyone has anysuggestions please feel free to leave info in a comment or you can e-mail me at oneshandrea04@gmail.com

Loving My Angels

Just Wandering

This evening i had to make a trip to wal-mart to get something for dinner and while on my way out i began to think about a few things.

1. will i one day become a hermit b/c i can't go out in public because i seem to get attacked by precious babies and big pg bellies.

2. will i one day pass out in a store b/c i sometimes hold my breath when i see a belly to keep from crying?

3. and if i were to become said hermit, will i starve to death because i can't go out to get me anything to eat?

4. Can one get dehydrated from crying so much?


Also today i found a peri that seems to be highly rated to get a second opinion from. I mean some said that her bedside manner sucks but they would still see her because she is very good at what she does. This would seem to be good news right? Well duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuh she only does one consultation a week and she doesn't have any openings until january and on top of that the secretary said she had to give her my info and why i want to talk to her and then she will call me back to let me know IF she will see me! so not only is this appt after january but it's not even a sure one yet. Geesh!

so in hearing this news it made me wonder

1. maybe i can go stay with my mom for a bit and see if i can find a peri there?

2. Is the sims3 the only place where i can have the family i want?

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

This is what sometimes happens when my mind wanders.

Loving My Angels

So here I am at this moment. After having such a tough week. after not being myself. I sit here at a cross roads. Yesterday was better than thursday and the days before. That is until...................duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh ........................ yes a friend of mine is pg. But what can you do. It's not the first i've heard and it won't be the last. So I breathe deeply, suck it up and try to find something to do. I call my pastors wife. She gives me the talk that i need and helps me to get back to myself. Which i am glad. I don't like being the person i was this week. I know that there will be days that i am not happy or that i switch back and forth but i just hate that i let it get to me so. Today has been good and i've been thinking that from now on i'm going to do my best to stay positive that I'm going to cry, but that's okay, i can still speak positive no matter what i'm feeling. I read Andrea's post from friday which only helped me and reinforced what i have decided.

So I'm getting back on track. I am ever so thankful to all of my beautiful BLM's and other beautiful friends who have held me up when i couldn't. I thankful to God who loves me even when I'm not loving him.

So I end this post today with this song because even when I don't feel it, even when i'm sad, and down I am determined to speak life into situations, to say aloud that i believe and at times when it's too much I am still going to lift my hands in
"Total Praise"

Total Praise

Richard Smallwood

Loving My Angels

9-9-09

9-9-09

This is Camron's due date and one would think that if i got through that then 9-9-2010 should be a breeze. But it isn't. because now there are thoughts of "had my body not failed, had i not failed then he'd be turning one today". I think of all the milestones that would have passed in only the first year of his life. The first time he crawled, his first steps, the first time he said ma ma or da da, . I wonder how much he'd way now, how big would he be? I think of how loved and somewhat spoiled he'd be. How special i would have made this day for him. But here i sit with empty arms and a piece of my heart gone.

So today I am blowing kisses to heaven and sending prayers on the wings of angels to my little angel to let him know that I love him and I miss him. He will always be my first born, my first joy and my first love.

Forever Loving My Angels

The removal

So today i went in to have my cerclage removed. I was surprisingly optimistic about going in ( i have no idea why) but that changed a little upon arival. I didn't have the luck today of seeing no bellies when i went in. There were actually two and one of them were on the phone. Talking rather loudly and annoying might i add. So to drown her out i pulled out the ipod and listened to music while playing a game. Finally i was called back. I gave a urine sample and then I was weighed. I now weigh 135 ! woo hoo! 9 lbs down and i'd like to lose 10 more(not sure if that's gonna happen though) but that was the best part of my appt.

The removal was easy. I had very little cramping and that was while he was removing the cerclage. He told me that they didn't do it in the hospital b/c they wanted to the cervix healed first. So i then asked what happened and how did i lose my baby.

He said that my cervix had first shortened some, but it also thinned out alot and then i'd dialated enough for the baby to come through. who would have thought it would have been so hard to listen to him telling me this. It took all i had to hold in the tears. He said that the next time. if i chose there to be a next time that he would like to put in a cerclage before i get pg. That this time he would do a double instead of a single, not one on top of the other but one above and one below. He also said that he'd use a different material (can't remember the materials though) and also some kind of tape that they use (can't rember that either)(i know my memory is sucking bad right now). He said with all that done the longest i'd probably be able to carry is between 27 and 29 wks which would be good but great if i could make it to 30, but they'd shoot to at least 27 to 29. Needless to say that i was a mess and just felt hopeless about everything. If i want a TAC i will have to look up doctors that do those. But i'm not even sure that I want that anymore. I mean if i have a weak cervix in general and it's thinning before i even dialate what good is that gonna do. Who knows. So after a little more talking ( sorry i don't feel like typing it all) i was given and antibiotic and told to call them when i have decided what i'd like to do. I got in my car and cried for like 10min. I just felt hopeless. I don't even know why really. It's not like he said that i can't ever try again or that he advised against it right. But i am on the verge of giving up. I don't know that i can take another chance of losing another precious life. I felt cursed and abandoned. I sat and wondered what is it all for. I do my best to live right, to walk a straight path and yet all i see at the end is hurt. I just want a little piece of something to hold on to. And if there is a solution, a definate solution to me carrying my baby to term then i'd like to find it and find it soon.

But yet I find that in my despair and fussing at God he still sends me his love , he still sends me a comfort even when i'm a little mad at him. My BFF called me on my home and talked to me and really gave me encouragement. Just the simple fact of her telling me "i don't understand what you're going through, but you can't give up" helped me. Just for her listening to me and talking to me and not just giving me ackward silence was a help. Because of her my heart was made lighter. Because of her this post is not all doom and gloom. Thank you and I love you D.

But, i still cannot say where i stand. i so badly want children. I so badly want to carry a chiled created by my husband and I , but i don't know that i can try again. Right now i am just lost and don't know what i'm going to do. So for now i will just continue

Loving My Angels

Random

So tomorrow I go to have this cerclage removed. I am hoping that it's not painful and i am hoping that it's over quick. I'm also hoping to have some answers. Like how can it still be there but my baby isn't. and if it's gonna even be possible for me to carry a baby to term? My morning started off so nice today and then i began thinking about all of this crap and down it went.

I am just hurt. Truly truly hurt. So many things going through my mind. How Cams due date is in two days. How had I not failed him and he made it, he would be turning 1. How i miss him. How i miss them. How i am jealous that so many have been blessed with what I want so badly. I have cousins younger than me not even over the age of 21 who are pg . One who has a son that just turned 1 and is pg with another baby due at the end of this year. not married , father is not involved, barely making it and yet she has what i want and it all seems so unfair.

What if i can't carry a child to term. What if I would need someone to carry my baby for me? would i be able to do it? Honestly I don't want to find out. I know that right now it may seem selfish , but at this moment this is where i am . I want to carry my child i want to see my belly grow, I want to feel his or her kicks. Right now sucks. I have no happy after thoughts. right now i am just stuck in my own self pity. I'm stuck with the what if's and why's and hows. I hear people complaining about being pg and i get angry b/c i'd love to have that problem. I welcome it with open arms.

but i don't have that problem. My problem is a stupid cerclage that i have to go and have removed now, that i'm hoping and prayin hasn't left and infection as i have been having cramps lately. But i will do like this blog that i got from Deni's page and praise him anyway. As i know that things could be a lot worse and that God has brought me through so much already.

Loving My Angels

Seasons

Since the beginning of this year I have heard many sermons on "This is my season" "This is your season" ( not talking directly to me of course but the congregtation as a whole) not only have I heard sermons but i've come across people in geral say that this is our season, or this is their season or telling me this is my season. And of course I know they all meant the season to prosper,but I find that not to necesarily true. What some don't seem to realize is that your season is not always a happy one, it can be your season for joy or your season for hardship and many other things. For a bit I truly beleived it was my season to be joyful to be happy , that the storm had passed. I mean 2009 was awful and I surley would't have a repeat of that, but I now know how wrong i was.


The word says it best:

Ecc3:1-8 says

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend,a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.

I am so over this season ( over as meaning i am tired of it.) I am tired of the crying, i'm tired of the sadness , i'm tired of the gloom, i'm tired of wishing, and wanting and waiting. I am so ready to walk into my season. I'm ready to smile again without tears following a few hours or days later. I want this sorrow to go away. Right now just sucks and I don't wanna be in this place. I'm tired of this place. It's cold, sometimes dark, lonely and just plain sad.

I want this storm to be over. I want off this darn roller coaster. I want to smile again. I want my time to laugh and dance and love . Only this time I want to love a baby hear alive and healthy.