So I just made it home from having the SHG (sonohysterogram) done. It was a little more uncomfortable than the HSG (hysterosalpingogram). He had a hard time inserting the catheter but he told me that was probably due to the fact that my cerclage is still there. Yes it's still there. apperently it wasn't removed when i had my m/c. So now I sit here at home teary eyed and overwhelmed. I guess i should have asked about that back when i m/c but i would have thought they would have removed it then seeing as it no longer had a purpose. But i guess silly me for assuming. So now i have to make an appt with my doctor to have it removed. This sucks, it has me grumpy . For some reason it has me feeling so close to what i want but still so far away. It seems like these small irritations keep popping up and thus begins the frustration all over again. But other than that it went fine. I should be able to get my results by the end of this week so now i sit in wait for that. Phil4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any praise , think on these things. So as I wipe away the tears I will follow this and think on the good. Having my life and strength. Being able to get the tests done, having a right mind and working limbs. and something that has made me especially happy CONGRATS to Andrea . Sending her lots of love and prayers.
Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
This very thing was at one time very hard to do at all. Even now it still is hard at times. But now there are at least times that i can. But I must admit also that there are times that this is hard. One can't help but look at those blessed with what you so desperately long for and wonder why them and not me, why do i suffer yet it comes so easily for them. But then I read this passage this morning and it brings me comfort. If i just focus on him and not what others have, if i just give myself to him, keep my eyes on him, remember his promises for me , his blessings for me, his love for me then he will give me what i so desire. Of course this is not easy. Doing this also means being patient, it means waiting and of course these things seem to be very hard to do. Yet and still no matter how hard it is, I find myself doing this very thing wether i want to or not. At this point waiting is something i have no control over. I wait to get tests, I wait for results, I wait for the next step. I wait and I wait and I wait, but with this waiting i am learning patience. I must say that i never thought that i would be a patient person, but i am begining to be that and that in itself (though it hurts learning it) is a blessing. I've asked God many times to help me to learn patience and it now is coming to me. I'm learning to wait on him to hold on to his word. Though i have had much pain and heartache I am thankful. Thankful that i am able to see a blessing in things that were once to painful to think on, i am able to good where i thought there was none, I am able to hope again. and most importantly I am waiting sometimes patiently and sometimes i get a little anxious, but I am waiting, I am waiting better than what i used to, frustration tries at times to set in, but anger is gone, self pity is moving out of the way. I wait with joy, knowing that my blessing and not only my blessing but those that i have prayed for and continue to pray for, their blessings are coming also. so i will continue to "Delight myself in the LORD" Thank you Lord for being so good. For giving light to dark situations and circumstances. Sorry for the babbling. My heart and mind are just full this morning. wishing all a Terrific Tuesday.
I hate the gloomy days. I hate the days i feel like pooh. I hate those days that one moment i'm fine and in the very next breath i'm crying. I hate the days all i see are the negatives in my life. I hate the days that i get upset at thinking of how others are blessed with what i long for. I hate the days I feel like giving up. But i also love them I love them because in those days God gives me a word from him. I love them because he sends others my way with encouragement and love. I love those days b/c he sends me texts through a friend. I love those days because he sends me an open ear. I love those days b/c he loves me enough to send me comfort, to give me wisdom , to help me see the good though it's hard. He puts a song in my spirit. He gives me strength to keep moving no matter how small the step. He reminds me that with him I can make it. That i am not alone and it's not by my own power but by his saving grace that i make it through each day. He is awesome, he is wonderful, he is God.
Phil4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me
And the results are............................... Another Test. I can't recall the name of this one that is next. I was out when i got the results so my terms won't be the terms the nurse used. Basically they found a growth (she didn't say those exact words but i can't remember the term she used) but something like a bump at the opening of my uterus. She says that they are thinking this could be the cause of me m/c but they are not sure so i will be getting another test where they will take xrays and an ultrasound of my uterus I couldn't understand her very well where i was at so i can't recall the actual name of it. So imaging doesn't call me tomorrow then i will call them thursday to see if they got the order then go from there. So this is where i am right now. Lets hope things only begin to look up from here. on another note Today i'm tired, tired of this heartache, tired of this sadness, tired of tears, tired of the heaviness just plane old tired. My life has been filled with heartache for over a year now, i'm in dire (sorry about the spelling) need of some happiness, some good news something to let me smile for more than just a moment. So Lord tonight i am doing my best to cast my cares upon you, please catch them;o) I know only you can give me what i need.;o)
Tonight sleep eludes me. I close my eyes hoping for sleep to come, but it doesn't. I remember being in the room with my sister when my niece was born. I remember hearing her cry for the first time. Then i remember camron being born and how silent the room was except for my cries. I remember xavien and tristen. How i longed to heart their cries letting me know they were okay. But I didn't, just my own sobs. And now i can't close my eyes because the tears won't stop. The pain won't go away. This is a moment i wish would go away. I wish i could just be numb. I wish i could sleep. Next month is Camron's due date. Had I made it to Sept 9 he would be a year old next month. I think of my niece and all the things she does and then i think of what my cam would be doing right now. I think of how close they would be. I think of summers going to get my niece so she could hang out with her favorite cousin. I think of betting with my sister of who would be walking first, would their first words be the same. would they be like my sister and i calling our mom by her first name at some point. Then again i'm crying. crying for what could have been. For what isn't and for the things i wish were. it's moments like these that makes it so hard to stay encouraged. I'm tired , so very tired, but sleep won't find me.
So today was the HSG. It went by quickly. I had no nerves about it really and that's thanks to Andrea and Nan;o) ((Love you Guys;o)) it was quick, i cramped but wasn't bad. The doctor was nice and explained everything to me before and while he was doing it. So now i'm just waiting on the report which my doctor should have monday. I'm gonna try and be patient and wait til tues before i call them, but knowing me i will probably call monday;o) Gosh it feels good to make a step forward;o)
Geesh! Sometimes i wonder are some people ( well when i say people at this moment i mean on person in particular) just slow in thinking or are they just really uncaring. case and point Today i posted something on my fb status about frustrations well later this evening i get a call from SIL#2 ( i have like 7 SIL's so i have to number them, and i've posted about this same one before so i guess i shouldn't be surprised about what happened) asking me if someone had done something to me. I told her no and that I was just frustrated with life for a moment. Well we got to talking about other things and she was telling me about her going to miami and in the conversation I was asking what if different things happened and she wasn't able to go. Well her response is "rain sleet or snow" "even if i'm pregnant" " N (her bf) said what if you're pregnant". I mean really! like i needed that part of the convo. But again I guess i shouldn't be suprised I've had to come here and vent about her before after I lost xavien. But I just don't get it. She's hinted around about thinking she's pg before but i chose to ignore it and i ignored it this time and steered the convo somewhere else and then got off the phone. But i guess that's just an example of the world thinking I should've moved on by now or the enemy rearing his ugly head and doing something to get on my nerves.
Either way ! I don't need either and they can just spare me with their crap!
I'm putting all my cares on the one above!
1Peter5:7 Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.
My blog has a new look thanks to Andrea who gifted me with a blog makeover from Franchesca who is very talented at what she does. (She is also a BLM some of you may know this already but just in case there is someone who doesn't) I so appreciate them both. Andrea for thinking of me and giving me this makeover and franchesca for taking time and making sure i was happy with what she did. I love it and I know my angels love it as well.
Lots of Love to you both.
Also while i'm here i'd figured i add something else. I decided to post this song. I think of it and i sing it at times when i am down. I hope you enjoy it as well
Here are the lyrics too b/c i just love them;o)
Even though your winds blow I want you to know You cause me no alarm Cause I'm safe in his arms
Even though your rain falls I can still make this call; Let there be peace Now I can say go away I command you to move today Because of faith, I have a brand new day The sun will shine - and I will be okay That's when I told the storm!
I told the storm to pass (oh yes I did) Storm you can't last (oh oh, you've got to go away) Go away - I command you to move today Storm - when God speaks; (when God speaks, you don't have a choice in the matter) Storm - you've got to cease That's what I told storm!
Wind stop blowing! Flood stop flowing! Lightning stop flashing! Breakers stop dashing! Darkness go away! Clouds move away! That's what I told the storm!
Death can't shake me! Job can't make me! Bills can't break me! You can't drown me! Cause my Gods surrounds me! That's what I told the storm!
I apologize that this may be a lengthy post, but i so often post my heart aches I have to post the good things too. I have to give God his glory.
Yesterday (aug 6) and today have been good days for me. I might could even say great. I smiled and i was happy. I am so full with the wonderment (hope that's how you spell it, geesh i hope it's a real word, but anywho) of what God is doing for me i don't know where to begin. Let's see, let me start with Friday. I texts from my Fab girls which always puts a smile on my face and brings me comfort. My day started with noon prayer at my church (which i so desperately needed). It was awesome. I got to cry out before God from my heart. Yes i can do this at home, which at times I do. But it wasn't just about me, it was about the needs of others, and for a reason i can't explain it felt good. It was just a nice release. You all were in my heart, I may not have been ablel to name names but I know God heard me and i know that he knew too;o)
That night kicked off our annual women's conference. The speaker was awesome. Just awesome! God really used her. She acknowledged the fact that not all babies get to go home with there families. That sometimes they don' t make it and how we often wonder why. Then and there i knew that word was for me. But sometimes God doesn't give us the why. His thinking is above our own. But we are appointed for purpose we have purpose. There are lessons in the suffering. (not just this situation but other situations that she talked about as well) One of them she touched on is patience. She talked about Hannah praying to God for a son. She talked about how Hannah told God that she would give the child back to him. Can you see how AWESOME God is! He heard my cries. He spoke to me. She also asked, what are we willing to give up. She talked about how we want everything instantly and on our time instead of waiting on God! She then went on talking about other hardships and sufferings in our lives. She told her story of being raped by a family member, of wanting to take her own life. But God! He saved her. and though it took time. He healed her. I wish i could type the whole story because it is an amazin one. But the moral of her talk was that, to be healed from past hurts, to forgive others for wrongs done, to get you through, to bring you comfort, there is but one name to call on and that name is JESUS! Yes that one name is so powerful, able to do all.
I just loved it, because she touched on a lot of things that i had been thinking and feeling. In that moment i learned to just listen to God. I learned that i don't need that validation that i sometimes look for to make sure it's God, because i already know. His word is good enough, more than good enough really.
It was even more amazing because in attendance that night was a pg woman who looked to be just a month or two of where i should be now and normally i would have fallen to pieces and left out crying before the service even began. But i didn't . I was able to focus on God. Think on his promises and i made it through. and it felt good.
Last night I knew that i am on my way to healing. I claimed my healing. I know that it will still hurt at times but I am getting there and that felt good. I also thought of many of you. especially Angie ( one of our Fab 5) I know that she is hurting so much now, but I know that it's gonna get better for her. I know that God is with her. Angie know that you are prayed for.
Then this morning we had our second day of the conference. It was awesome. One speaker touched on something that stuck with me.
She said that there is a difference between a hurt and a wound. A hurt is like a scrape or cut. we can put a bandaid on it and just wait for it to hea. But a wouldn is deep. It takes time and care to heal. You have to tend to it daily. Clean it out and dress it.
It made me think of this community of BLM's. We often speak of being hurt and heartbroken, but we are more than that. We are wounded and it's gonna take time for us to heal. So to heck with the time that the world thinks we should be " Over it" . and we will never be over it, but we can get through and we can live and we can hope. The only one that matters in telling us that time is God and when that time comes he will do it. and of course there is but one cure and his name is Jesus.
2Sam22:7 In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried to my God: and he did hear my voice out of his temple, and my cry did enter into his ears.
Psalm116:1 I love the LORD, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications.
Today Aug. 3 2010 marks exactly one month since i had to say goodbye to Tristen. It feels like yesterday. It's amazing how time seems to fly at times and then others it just drags by.
If you ask my body, swollen breasts (which have just now started to seem as if there will be no more milk flowing), a dark line going down the center of my stomach, and a poochy belly, would tell you that Tristen is still here.
If you ask my heart, it would say the same. Though not physically. It would tell you that i still feel his kicks sometimes, that i still see his face, that i still feel the pain of delivering him, that the hurt of having to say goodbye is still here. He is in my mind, my heart, my soul, my DNA.
if you ask the world, they would say he is gone, some may not even count him as a person, they would say that i should be happy by now and back to my "normal" self.
I miss him. I miss him with every fiber of my being. I sit and wonder if it is possible to die from heartbreak b/c sometimes that's what it feels like. It feels like i am slowly dying. It amazes me how i can be in a room filled with people but still be lonely. But then i'm not amazed because no matter who you're in a room with, if it's not who you want then everyone else may as well be invisible.
Lord,
I am trying with all my might to hold on. I am tired, i am hurting and i am weary. I need you now. I am crumbling, please please please put me back together soon.
Unto thee will I cry, O Lord my rock; be not silent to me: lest, if thou be silent to me, i become like them that go down into the pit. Hear the voice of my supplications, when i cry unto thee, when i lift up my hands toward thy holy oracle. Psalm28:1-2
Well let's see i guess i will start off with the sucky part first so............
On a bad note I feel as if A/F is about to make her debut. So I'm somwhat dreading it. Ready to cry and she hasn't even come yet, but hey this is my new norm. so now moving on.
On a good note. well i actually have two but this is the first
well about two years ago my hubby bought me a puppy. She is a puggle (pug/beagle mix) well a few months after we got her I let her out in the back yard and i believe i left to go to the store or somewhere. Well anyway when i got back she was gone. My mom said that she thought the men who were cutting my grass had taken her. But we were never really sure but I figured she had been taken because whenever she did get out she knew her way back home or one of our neighbors always brought her back. Well last week sometime and animal shelter called me and asked me if we were missing a dog. All i could do was laugh because i knew she was talking about emma and of course i was right. After almost two years my dog has been found. She was had been at a shelter for a couple of weeks and they decided to scan her for a micro chip (thank goodness we had one put in her) and they found me. So someone had to have taken her because she was all the way in pearland which is about an hour from me and i know she couldn't have made it all the way there by herself. My husband said this is just what i needed that having her back would be good for me. So today i went and picked her up, stopped by petsmart to buy her things all over again. It was a bittersweet moment. I am happy to have her back but i don't think she really remembers me. But again thank God for blessings.
Welcome Home Emma
On my next good note. I have decided to move forward with testing. I am going to call my doctors office tomorrow and see about scheduling my HSG and then on with whatever testing he has for me after that. I figured I could start with testing (maybe even get a second opinion) and get a definate plan after that. Today has been a good day for me a rare dare i even say happy day. So i'm gonna take it and hold on to it. God is good........................
Today at church my pastor talked about frustration. And of course this is something that we've all felt. The frustration that my won't work normally, the frustration of deciding whether or not to try again, the frustration of trying again, the frustration of that darned 2ww, the frustrations of getting a BFN, the frustrations of getting a BFP, and so on and so on. But today he said something to make me think. well at first it made me happy but then of course my new norm is to sometimes over think things, thus forming this post to get these thoughts out of my head. He said and I quote
"your blessings are buried on the other side of your frustrations" "you have to keep pushing through to the otherside."
he also said
"all your frustrations in life are laying the foundation for a new level in your life"
"let your frustrations be your stepping stone for where God is trying to take you in your life"
and at first thought i thought wow , how true, i mean there has to be a reward somewhere in all this madness i mean i can't be going through what i'm going through for nothing. which i totally still believe, but then of course there's that flesh in me that is wondering , how much further will i have to keep pushing. I'm getting tired and i'm getting weak and i'm getting more frustrated! But God is good, because he reminds me that yes when it's just me, i going to get tired, i'm going to get weak, i'm going to get more frustrated, BUT! I don't have to worry, because i'm not alone, he is with me, he is my strength and when i can't go on he is there to lift me, to push me to guide me. It dawned on me how many times i've had someone tell me that God is about to do something in my life, or tell someone else that God is about to do something in theres. and i wait and i wonder and i wait some more while wondering well when is he gonna do it, i've been waiting and so far i've had nothing but hurt and heart ache, but then i sat and i thought and i thought some more. Who says he hasn't already begun. Who says that he isn't doing anything now. It's so crazy. Today we live in a microwave world, we are so used to having what we want, when we want it. We are used to having progress with the second, minute or day. We forget that to God 1, 000 years could be oneday in his timing. We expect God to just hand us what we want or need right then and there. We don't expect to go through anything to obtain anything, We think that we ask God for it and BAM! He's just supposed to give it to us. But today i've realized that yes it hurts and yes what i'm going through is hard and yes i want to scream to the top of my lungs sometimes, but i'm not gonna give up i will push through my frustrations, I will get to my blessing, I may get weary , i may even break sometimes, but i am not gonna stop because i want what God has for me. As it says in Psalm37:4Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. I want that. I mean who doesn't want the desires of their heart . So i will continue to hold to him, i will continue to delight myself in him. I will continue to hold fast. Because God is truly able.
Proverbs 13:12 says it best Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. So i continue to hope, i continue to beleive , i continue to hold on as best i can and
