IHOP:(

This may seem silly but had to post it anyway because it's just been bothering me. I can't go to IHOP, this used to be my most absolute favorite place to eat not matter what time of day, now it's just the reminder of the loss of my xavien. A reminder of a perfect day that ended in tragedy. It was Nov.25 my mom drove to my house a couple of days before and i rode back to my hometown with her and my sister. That morning my sister had a doc. appointment ( she was around 31 wks pg mayber farther) that morning, so after my mom, she and i, met up with my grandmother and her friend at IHOP, my order got kind of mixed up but when they finally got it right it was the best meal i'd had there in a long time, the pancakes were great, so fluffy and buttery, ( it's amazing how one can remember things as simple as the taste of pancakes) , the wheather was wonderful, the sun shining and even a little breeze. Afterwards i rode with my mom on a couple of errands that she had then we went to my grandmothers to play cards, well it was down hill from there, i went to the restroom and of course i saw blood, my mother took me to the ER, i was admitted and of course nothing but bad news, like with camron my babies feet were already protruding and there was nothing that could be done, i was already 4cm dialated so of course all i could do was wait to have my beautiful baby girl. I was admitted to L&D and spent the night there, i gave birth to my sweet angel Nov.26 2009. I held her in my arms and was amazed at how much she looked like her dad ( camron looked more like me) it was so ironic. So now everytime i pass a IHOP i am reminded of that day, everytime someone mentions that place or i see a commercial i think of that day. My favorite place is no more, it's just a reminder of the last perfect moments i had with my angel.


Is that silly?

Small Treasures

Small Treasures with such great meaning

Andrea Thank you for my angels wings.



Thank you Deni for giving me hope



Thank You debbie





Tiny Footprints



Camron's Box and Bear ( xavien's coming soon)

A Down moment

I'm having a down moment. I miss my babies. I am still thankful for the good they have brought me but i still miss them. My camron would be 4 months today but instead i am counting out the nine months that he has been gone from my arms. I would be 25 wks with xavien but instead i am somewhat solmn when thinking of her april due date coming soon. I miss my babiess..........Lord help me believe

9 Months away from my camron

Today marks nine months that my camron has gone on to what i know is a better place. For a long time i thought that with me was the only and the best place that he could be. But i have to come to realize what better place could he be than with god, a place that we all hope to be . Yes i at times i still wish that i was holding him in my arms, but instead of my arms he's in the arms of god and surrounded by angels. So as i sit thinking of the ninemonths that my sweet angel has been gone i thank god for this peace that he has given me to know that camron is fine safe, looking down upon me and patiently waiting until the day that will hold him again. I thank god for the precious moments he allowed me to spend with him and i know that he taking wonderful care of his sister.

Today i will do something that i haven't been able to do. I'm going to open his memory box, i'm going to think on all the wonderful things that camron brought me.

My camron has shown me what the love of a mother is. He has shown me how to love deeper, He has shown me that even though sometimes i felt alone, god has always been there, and for those things i am forever grateful.

I LOVE YOU MY SWEET CAMRON

Hope Deferred

This morning i was reading my bible and i came across proverbs 13:12 which says

Hope deferred maketh the heart sick:but when a desire cometh, it is a tree of life.

For what reason i don't know but for a moment i couldn't look at anything else, i just kept reading it over and over again, it spoke strongly to me, it's meaning was on the tip of my tongue but i wasn't quite sure if it was telling me what i think it's telling me. So i looked it up online as well, and i was right. I didn't even read the the whole thing that i found but stopped as soon as i knew i was right. This short verse gave me such joy. My hands are shaking as i type this right now.

It says a hope deferred. All of hopes are were and are still to have earthly children. So this tells me that our hopes and dreams aren't over, they are not gone or withered away, they are only deferred. That it doesn't mean they won't come true but they are simply not at the time we desire, and yes this has made us sick with doubt , hurt, anger, sadness and even depression, but this is only temporary. Because it is only a hope deferred i know that yes i am going to be all these things at some point, even after writting this and being so happy right now , i could still have a down day, BUT! i know it's only temporary, i know to keep going because this is only temporaray and that if i keep hope and keep faith that i am going to get my hearts desire, i will be blessed and as the passage states, when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. When we do finally get to that finish line and hold and earthly baby in our arms it will be the most wonderful experience. In this i am renewed. No matter what anyone says, i know that my dream will come so i challenge you to find hope in this as i did, no matter what it looks like now, just know in your heart that your latter will be greater than your past.

Mathew 7:7-8

Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you:

for everyone that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.

God shall bless us, and though we may wonder if it will ever have just know that it will but in his time not ours.

Happy? New Year

For the past couple of days i have been well. At least as well as i can be , no crying no moping around, but it seems as though the closer it gets to the new year the sadder i get. I'm not sad at saying goodbye to 2009 b/c it has been one of the most difficult years of my life, but no matter happy i am to say goodbye my heart aches when thinking of saying hello to 2010. Yes i wish us all a happy new year and that it is better than this one, and that things are gonna be better, but i will also be greeted with knowing that in april i should be saying hello to a beautiful little girl. But i won't and for that my heart aches. April 27 i should be holding my baby in my arms, but i won't. I still can't come to grip with that. How can i start my new year with fresh pain. I am trying so hard to hold on to hope that it is gonna be better, but right now, at this moment, i wish i could go back. Back to when my baby was safe in my stomach, growing and moving and getting all the things she needed in order to be ready for this world. If i could go back........

Bitter Sweet

This week has truly been bittersweet. It all started monday morning at 6:39am when i got a call from my mother informing me that my sister has gone into labor and they are on the way to the hospital, (bittersweet) i was excited and conflicted all at the same time. Should i stay or should i go? I want to be there, this is my sister, she wants me there, she would be hurt if i wasnt. So in that moment, i decided to go, to be there in the room like we planned from the beginning, i mean i was gonna be down there for x-mas anyway so a few days early wouldn't matter, so i gathered my things and off on a 2 and half hour drive i went. i made to the hospital in time, she was only at 5cm. so there i was in the room with her, excited and sad all at the same time. This should have been a happy occasion, i should have been anticipating what i would be going through with xavien, or i should have been excited to introduce camron to his new cousin, but i am not and at that moment it was okay. She delivered a beautiful 5lb 13oz baby girl at 6:02 pm, i was there through it, i held her legs and cheered her on to push, i was strong, i held it togeather until my niece made her arrival , and then she cried announcing her arrival into the world, and at that moment i was weak, i kissed my sister and told her she did good and then i made my exit to the nearest restroom , slid to the floor and cried . Cried for my my babies , for me , for the short time that we got to spend togeather. It's crazy how i could feel such joy and utter sadness all at once, talk about a ball of emotions. So now i am here at my moms trying to hold strong, enduring all the excitement and baby talk, and pictures and more talk, wishing i could just go home back to my house and curl up in my bed and not move, but i cant b/c i know if i said i was leaving that it would hurt my moms feelings and i would rather me cry than her cry, so i am still here trying to keep a happy face while i feel as though i am slowly dying inside, but that's okay, i can handle it (can't i ?) so as long as they are happy. So in an attempt not to fall apart, i am doing as andrea said to me ( lol) i am faking it until i make it, i have one more day and then i can go home, i can do one more day. right. of course i can and soon this bittersweet week will be over.