I thought I'd take a little time out to update what's been going on with me. I mean it's only the right thing to do seeing as how i want to remember this journey so I can look back during the brighter days and have a record of where God has brought me from. Well you all remember me posting about my consult (if not hit the link) with Dr. S. Well she did talk to her colleagues and I ended up meeting with one of them Nov 15. I call him Dr. G. It actually went well and I was glad that i met with him. He was very polite and showed much concern for me. First he came in and introduced himself, asked me a bit about my history. He then actually did a full exam. Then he came back in and we talked. He told me a bit (well a lot actually , lol about himself) then answered some questions i had before I even asked them. so here's the summary

He believes i am good candidate for the TAC (of course right ;O) )
He is a Ob/Gyn practicing for 31yrs but he is also the lead laproscopic surgeon for Baylor medical college (it's a hospital)
The only thing is I would be the first laproscopic TAC he has done.
That being said, in explaining to me , he seems to really know what he is doing.
He has done numerous TVC (trans vaginal cerclages)
He has also done many hysterectomy's laproscopically as well as many other surgeries.
He walked me through what he would do but also explained to me why other doctors like to do it the traditional way
The TAC will be placed around the top of my cervix and not through it (this it to prevent possible tearing of my cervix)
The operation is a in and out procedure with a 3day recovery.
once recovered if i wanted we could start trying right away.
He believes with the TAC i can make it to full term and should anything arise the earliest i would have to deliver is between 32 and 36wks, but he believes i should be able to make it to 39 to 40wks (he said 39 because i can opt to schedule my c-section at 39wks if i want)

All in all i trust that he knows what he is doing. I took yesterday and today to talk to hubby and think about it more and i still feel the same.

Dr. G told me that i could schedule the surgery as soon as i felt ready it's just up to me.

So with that being said and I know I've waited like a super long time to let it out (but i had to hold on to it for me, i just needed to wait)
After much thinking and talking and praying I went in for pre-op labs on Monday 12-6-2010 and i will be having my surgery tomorrow.
12-10-2010

I will be updating on it more either tomorrow (depending on how i am feeling ) or Saturday.

Drifting Between

Drifting between hope and............hmmm what's the word............i'll just say finding it hard to hope sometimes. It seems some days, well some moments I am just filled with so much hope, I have so many thoughts and dreams about the futrure about the things to come, and then out of nowhere come the if's , what if's and will it happen's arrive. It all gets very very tiresome sometimes. I don't want the negative but it just sometimes get's sooooooooooo hard to hold on to the positive. I see and read so many stories of hope and evidence that it can happen, but it sometimes leaves thoughts of "will it happen for me" or "when will it happen for me". I truly truly hate feeling this way, but sometimes these feeling just come and it sucks because I truly truly believe that i will get my turn , i guess it's just the waiting that sucks and the thinking that comes along with the waiting, which most of the time starts out with hope but then comes the scaredness to hope b/c i think that sometimes deep down i feel if i expect the worst the good will be that much better. geesh who knows?


Philippians6-7 says
Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

This scripture i seem to cling to with my very being. I pray to God everyday, I thank him for all that i ask and yes he does bring me peace, but again sometimes the thoughts creep in and i'm back in the middle not only drifting between but sometimes stuck between. and i wish i had a better word for the opposite of hope that i'm feeling. I don't want to use fear, b/c that's not it, it's I guess just maybe a kind of uncertainty about what's next. I don't know. I can say that i have been taking steps forward in order to have that future that i so hope for and i will post about it soon, but for now i will end my rambling for today and do my best to push more toward hope.

Loving My Angels

2 B's

The two B's. Baby talk and Baby showers. hmmmmmmmmm where to begin..........i guess i will start with baby talk. Sometimes i think that i've put on such a good face around others that they think that it doesn't bother me at all. Now i will admit that yes i can hear some for a certain amount of time, but it just seems like lately everyone wants to pull out pictures of babies or talk about the sheer adorableness of babies, and yes i like to hope and reminisce from time to time, but.... there are times that no i may not be in a place to handle it. And as i said, maybe i've just put on too good a face lately, and even i will admit that yes at times i've said aloud my hopes for the future and have even been able to point out cute things that i hope to purchase and maybe i've done such a good job at being optimistic that i've fooled even myself! ha! but perhaps i will never know. but enough of random ramblings on this subject on to the next B (ha ha almost seems like i'm cursing (he he) )

Baby Showers! Yes, I know that there are some of you out there with rainbows who struggle with the decision on when to have one or if you will even have one at all. Such a hard and scary decision. And even now i wonder to myself if i ever will, and then there's a part of me that know I definately will! it may not be until my 31 or 36th week, but should i get my rainbow i know deep down that yes I will have one. Then there's the other some of us who struggle with if we can handle going to a baby shower. I have been invited to a couple within november and i have sort of just brushed them to the back of my mind, but here it is december and they are fast approaching and they are back at the forefront, so the now question is what to do, what to say, how to decline. I've talked (well texted) to one friend and told her that maybe i could just help decorate and probably not stay for the shower or I'd bring my gift before it got started (hey shopping for a gift is a step in itself) and i am thankful that she understands and I guess i could say the same to the other friend hmmmmmmmmmmmmm we shall see. How do you deal with the 2 B's.

Loving My Angels

What's Yours Wednesday

When i was little McDonald's used to be my favorite fastfood place to eat. Nuggets and fries were my favorite, but when i got older ( probably like highschool) I fell in love with another place. Chic-fil-a! Yes it is absolutley my favorite fast food place to grab a bite. I remember when hubby and i were in the process of buying our house I had to go to the bank and have statements printed off and the banker was like "you really like chic-fil-a " . I ablsolutely love them. It's the only place that no matter what city i am in they are always quick, kind and courteous (except for on place, but that one is no longer open) . And i also respect the fact that they are closed on sundays and that no matter how many people are there the service is always quick! Not to mention their waffle fries are awesome. I could probably go on and on about them but i'm going to keep this post short. So now you know my favorite fastfood place, What's Yours?

Loving my Angels

Xavien

One year ago today an angel grew wings much too soon for her daddy and me. A year ago today my heart was broken for the second time. A year ago today I held a sweet angels tiny body in my hands. A year ago today I cried until i thought i had no tears left, and then cried some more. A year ago today another piece of my heart went to heaven. But, today i give God thanks for you. I thank him for sending a special blessing in my life. Today i thank him because though i don't understand it I know that through the pain is a rainbow of blessings i won't have room enough to recieve. Today I thank him for allowing me peace in knowing that you are loved there more than i can imagine loving you here (and believe me i love you alot!) Today I am thankful that i will one day see you again. I am blowing kisses to heaven, sending my love on a prayer and remembering you, my sweet beautiful baby girl. You will always be my first girl, my second child, beloved and never forgotten. I will hold you in my heart forever

HAPPY ONE YEAR IN HEAVEN Xavien

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN WORDS CAN SAY!

Loving my Angels

I want that.......................

I know it probably has been stated quite a bit through out my blog, and I know that i am not the only one feeling this way, but tonight i just need to put it out there once more

I want to know the feeling of making it past 19wks................................
I want to feel the joy of finding out the gender of my baby because i will be preparing to say hello and not goodbye....................
I want to know the joy of feeling him/her kick for the first time and be able to look forward to many more............................................
I want to smile b/c i've reached the milestone of 24wks...............................................................
I want to see my inny(sp?) become and outty...............................................................................
I want my hubby to rub my belly.......................................................................
I want to smile because i've reached 28wks..................................................................................
I want to shop for cribs, and diaper bags and car seats..........................................
I want a baby shower..........................................................................
I want pictures of my bare belly......................................................................................
I want the excitement of getting ready to see my baby for the first time b/c I know that this time he /she is coming home with me....................................................................................
I want the tearful joy of hearing their first cry................................................................................
I want the joy of holding them for the first time as they squeeze my finger....................................
I want to see the joy in my husbands face b/c we have a blessing created in love...............................
I want the sweetness of holding him/her against my chest as i rock him/her to sleep.................
I want to hear first words and see first steps......................................................................
I want 1st and 2cnd and 3rd and more birthdays.....................................................................
I want the terrible two's and tempertantrums and potty training and sleepless nights and diaper changes and bottle feedings and lulliby's.......................................................................................
I want all of that................................................................................
and i can't wait for the day (okay well I can, b/c technically I have no choice, but still..................)







Loving My Angels

A little catching up

Lets see................where to begin. I think i will get the somewhat gloomy out the way first. Well this month will be a heavy month for me. Wait you know what i take that back, God has been working on me and given me such a peaceful spirit that I don't even understand it. But that is what he said he'd do right so I shouldn't be too surprised right;

philippians 4: 6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

But i am. Well i guess not surprised, but more amazed. I mean yes I know in my heart that God can do it, but when it's actually happening to you, it's a real eye opener (sp?) to how sovereign our God really is.

Okay let me get into the story so you can know what i mean. This month i should be a babbling mess. The 26th will mark my sweet baby girl Xavien's 1yr in heaven and then the day after that is Tristen's due date. And let me say I was truly dreading this month. But yet here i am. in one piece, at peace. Getting ready to go to my moms for the holiday. Having to look at my niece who was born 3months after cameron's due date. But i can truly sit here and say that i am okay. Yes I may shed some tears. Yes I'm going to light a candle and remember my sweet baby girl. Yes i will reflect on the fact that i should be getting ready for Tristens arrival, I'm doing that now, but i do it with a peace in my heart that I know can only be from God. He is truly an awesome God and I don't want to know where i'd be without him. I am truly thankful. For the people that he has put in my life to help me through. I am truly gratefu. For his love, for his guidence, for positive thinking, for the new things he has done and is doing in me I am truly thankful

I even stand bold on tonight and thank him in advance for successful pregnancies! (yes plural did you catch that ;o) I am believing that it will happen and not just for me, but i am hoping and believing for the hopeless as well. Don't worry if you're tired, just rest because i am believing.
Wow I guess taking time off has done me some good. God is good!

I think i am gonna stop here because if keep going it's gonna be a super long post ;O) good night all


Loving My Angels