Jealous

Hello My Name is Shandrea.......... and i'm Jealous
of those who aren't scarred, marred and jaded by the grief from losing a child
of those who have no doubt that they will bring home a baby at the end of nine months
of those who at the sign of a positive HPT can began to think of baby names
of those who can dream of baby showers before the 3rd trimester
of those who don't live there pregnancies by milestones
of those who can use the phrase "when i was pregnant"
of those who actually get to take home their baby!
Yes I'm Jealous and it SUCKS!
I don't want to be this way. I put all my strength in thinking on the good things and all that I do have. But sometimes the feeling creeps in and it SUCKS because even with these ill feelings that sometimes get in the way, I still have HOPE and I know that one day my time will come. I still have FAITH and know that God will NEVER LEAVE me or FORSAKE me. But yet these feelings sometime creep in and it SUCKS!

A Dream

Today (yes today, I'd decided to take a nap rather than finish cleaning my house) I had a dream that I was 17wks pg. My doctor told me everything looked good and that i can come back next week to make sure everything was still fine. I remember her wanting me to come like a Wednesday but i wanted to come on a Monday because coming on wed would put me at 18wks 3 days and i could not risk coming in too late and something happening,so she did me one better and told me i could come in on Saturday (I know awesome dream right) from there i somehow ended up at home on the phone with Andrea (yes you my fab friend) and wanting to tell her the news but for some reason i couldn't get the words out ( and we know that wouldn't happen, lol). She was in Africa with hubby (i don't know why lol, but hey it's a dream ) and she was upset with him because he didn't want to go out on any safari's or do any of the things she wanted, so i was trying to give her advice on getting him to understand her side of things and from there trying to convince her that if he didn't listen she should come back to the states and hang out with me (lol). I can't remember what happened after that . But i remember wishing that the dream was real, well the being pg part. And though i know AF has come and gone because of this dream i have the urge to .............................POAS! (sounds crazy i know)



I've also been awarded by to lovely ladies and Once i get to my big computer i will post that. but I just wanted to thank Trena and AHB for thinking of me ;O)

Loving My Angels

Feelings

Some Days I feel like this:

Optimistic with a few dips and trips but I get back up and trudge on. All in all a lovely day or days or weeks or however long it lasts.

Then there are days when i feel like this:

These are days or moments when i don't even know if you could call it feeling. It's more like i am just here going along for the ride with whatever happens and however i react is how i react. Not good, not bad but just simply here moving forward as best i can.

Then there are days like these:

Where no matter how hard you try, life just plain sucks at that moment or particular time. It seems that you just can't see the positve in anything, heartaching memories seem to take over and you are just stuck in a downward motion and it seems as if nothing can pick you up.

And just when I think this is the hardes state to be in I have (well used to have) days like this:


Yep, I feel like scribble scrabble. I don't even know how to describe this feeling except by this picture. Theres no one direction, up or down, forward are backward good or bad. It's everything. Jumbled. Almost like i'm just on the verge of losing my mind or have already lost it.


This journey of baby loss never ceases to amaze me. It's a journey of so many twists and turns and dips. When i go back through some of my posts, one would think that I have lost my mind. It's like one day i'm up and the next is somewhere else on a whole different level. But I can say that I have realized that it is what it is. I have to allow myself to feel what i feel when i feel it and however I feel it. It doesn't make me crazy, it doesn't make me selfish, it doesn't make me a crybaby or pitiful. But it makes me. This journey makes me into a whole new person. A stronger person, never in a million years did i think that i'd be able to still stand through the loss of my children, never would i have thought that through it all i'd still have my faith. Never would i have thought that i could love as deeply as i have, as i do. Never would i have thought that i could give back the love that has so graciously been given to me, or support those who are anxiously awaiting their rainbows. But I do , and I am. I know that I will never be the old me. But I also know that I am a better me and though I wish that I could have my angels here with me, I also hold on to the fact that I would never be the me i am now without them. So yes I will have days like those pictured above, but I am thankful that the confusing and hard days now are few and far between. I am thankful that i can remember my babies with tears in my eyes but a smile on my face. I am thankful that i can still praise God for them, that I know one day i will see them again and that I will soon here on this earth get my expected end.

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us...............Rom 8:18

Loving My Angels

I did it!...........Twice!

IHOP! I went and ate at IHOP and if you are new to reading my blog then you may be wondering what in the heck is the big deal. Well I wrote this post a while back after losing Xavien.

But again as i said, i did it. I actually went inside and ate at an IHOP twice. And when i think about it the crazy thing is the first time i went back was on thanksgiving with the same people i'd went with when I mc xavien. My sis, my mom and my grandma and an extra edition this time my niece lexxi. I meant to blog about this a long time ago but don't know why i didn't . Anywho, i actually stepped foot on the property without breaking down into a blubbering mess. When my grandma asked me if i wanted to go my eyes didn't well up with tears. I took a deep breath before i entered but the feeling of gloom and not being able to breath didn't come. i actually had a good time. I smiled and I talked and I ate.

And a about a week or two ago, I did it again. Only this time it was with my SIL. Again there was no heaviness, no panick, no fear. I was just okay. I was fine, I was........................at peace and i actually had a good time. Yes i still think about the events of that day in nov of 09 and i forever will , but i can smile in knowing that i'm still going i'm still moving, i'm still living and of course

Loving My Angels.

God is Good!

there is still hope ;O)

Yes I'm back again. Two posts in one day, i must really be feeling some things. But at least this time i am back feeling better than i was earlier and since i wrote about the sad i feel i need to write about when i'm better. I first want to thank everyone for the love and the prayers. They certainly have helped. It's funny , just when you think you've arrived , life has a way of showing you where you really are. And that's okay with me. I'm glad that i fell off track for a moment, it allowed me to think and to process things. and now i see. Yes i still hurt, yes there are times that i will still be sad, sadder than most even. But as i have said before and I will say again, I have hope. I have the promises God has made to me. I have the love and the words that he has given me. I have again HOPE! and as long as i hold on to that i will be just fine. I may cry , kick and scream, but i will still keep my hope. I will do my best and keep my mind stayed of Him. Let him hold me in his arms, welcome the comfort and love that He sends my way and just remember the promises he made. Geesh God is good. Even when i cant see how at the moment, he is still good to me. So i will be good to me too. I will take it one day at a time, focus on me and do the best that i can and when i can't ask him for help, all the while i will still HOPE.

Loving My Angels

On The Sidelines

That's exactly how i feel right now. Right at this moment. As if i am on the sidelines watching everyone else. Wondering if i will ever get my turn. It seems as there are so many in the game at this moment. and then there is me. Just watching everybody else pass me by. Don't get me wrong I am truly happy for all of my BLM's and even some who are not. And no it's not fair that I cry for myself when i hear of others who have been blessed with what i want so much, but it's when I know their stories and or circumstances that it makes me hurt. It makes me wonder, why them and not me! Today my SIL (#2) called to let me know that she is pg . She said she wanted to tell me b/c she didn't want me to hear it from anyone else. I greatly appreciate that about her, but it still doesn't stop my heart from hurting. I love her dearly , but it still hurts. Here I sit with a husband and a home full of room for babies, but yet it's still just him and I and my step kids when they stay over. and not to put her business out I will just say that she is going through some things. And though she is I will say that it was known that she wanted another baby (she has a son already). I guess at the moment I am just jealous and I know that isn't of God, but right now at this moment I just don't get it. I hurt and i wish I didn't . I wish i could be happy and give her the support that she is going to need without feeling that way I feel, but I just don't know how right now and I really really want to.

Lord I hope this isn't a test, because if so i am failing miserably at this moment.

Loving my Angels

The waiting room

So today AF has appeared. I wish I could say that I am okay with that, but truth be told, i'm a little bumbed about it. Eventhough I know that this may be a good thing, maybe my body still needs time to heal or maybe this just isn't the time for me. But I am still a little sad about it. I want to cry but the tears won't come, I want to shrug it off but I can't do that either. But one thing i do know is that a prayer has been answered. I talked to God and told him that yes i'd like a BFP but if it's not the time then it's not the time. Yes I'd be a bit sad, (and i'm actually a little more down than i thought i'd be) but I wanted it to be in his timing. So I've gotten my answer. Which when i think about it may very well be the best one. Hubby and I talked the other morning and he let me know that he is still hurting, he still feels some sadness and just plain old wants his son back. He doesn't want to go through that heartbreak again. Yes he still wants children but he is still hurt over this past year and a half. He told me that each time he has lost a piece of himself. So in typing this and seeing what was actually said, maybe it just isn't the time for us yet. So I am yet again in the waiting room, holding to hope and as marie says an "expected end"

Loving My Angels