Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Jealous

Hello My Name is Shandrea.......... and i'm Jealous
of those who aren't scarred, marred and jaded by the grief from losing a child
of those who have no doubt that they will bring home a baby at the end of nine months
of those who at the sign of a positive HPT can began to think of baby names
of those who can dream of baby showers before the 3rd trimester
of those who don't live there pregnancies by milestones
of those who can use the phrase "when i was pregnant"
of those who actually get to take home their baby!
Yes I'm Jealous and it SUCKS!
I don't want to be this way. I put all my strength in thinking on the good things and all that I do have. But sometimes the feeling creeps in and it SUCKS because even with these ill feelings that sometimes get in the way, I still have HOPE and I know that one day my time will come. I still have FAITH and know that God will NEVER LEAVE me or FORSAKE me. But yet these feelings sometime creep in and it SUCKS!

18 comments:

Annie said...

Yes, that does SUCK! I see women who are pregnant and it makes me so jealous to hear them planning showers, talking about names, assuming that just because they are pregnant, that they will have a baby to take home at the end of it. They're so clueless and naive! They annoy me and yet I wish we could be just like them!

Karen said...

Oh, Shandrea...my heart hurts for you...so much! I am so sorry that you have to go down this road. You have such a precious and encouraging heart and it makes me very sad when your heart hurts.

Lifting you up....

Hugs....Karen

cgd said...

Shandrea, You are only human and have been through more than anyone should ever have to endure. How could you not be jealous?? Please go easy on yourself, my sweet friend. It is ok to feel this way, that I can promise you....
thinking of you...

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Your feelings are human and I think you have a right to be jealous. ((HUGS)) I have hope also that your day will come and I pray for you all the time. God Hear My Prayers! I'm not sure if I told you this but I know a woman who lost a baby 15 years ago and could never get pregnant after that. She recently told me before Christmas (on Facebook) that she was just about ready to give birth to a baby. Never give up Hope!

Kristie said...

Love you Shandrea, I'm thinking of you...

Trena said...

Sending you lots of love today and everyday. ♥ Keeping you in my prayers and I am here if you need to talk. ((hugs))

Brie said...

Shandrea..

I think many of us struggle with this ( I know I do!) and really dislike the position we have found ourselves in...I don't think of myself as a jealous person, but there are times in which I feel exactly like the words you just wrote.

There's no way around it...it just plain SUCKS.

AHB said...

Wow..what a good post..You captured it all. It really does stink to watch others have it come so easily to them when it is so hard for others. I had a friend tell me just yesterday that she felt like I was punishing her for not having gone through this..wow..I don't want to be seen like that, but I don't think that I was..just not being as excited about her third pregnancy that is oh so easy to come by for her should not be called punishment..maybe for me it is emotional punishment. It is so hard to see other families who seem to have "perfect" reproductive health, but my husband (always the rational one) reminds me that we do not know their stories..He is right. I have no idea about the people I see in public..I only know the people around me that have that "perfect" life. Hugs and prayers to you..

The Blue Sparrow said...

I can relate to this so much! I know what you're feeling and I've been there. I think we all have been. It does suck and sometimes I end up feeling just rotten about myself, but now I know that it's normal. We dont get to control our feelings. I can't do anymore that turn it over to God and let him deal with me. Some day's are worse than others for me though. Some day's I'm just lost in the muck of all these feelings. I'm sorry that you're there right now. (((HUGS)))

Lisette said...

((HUGS))

Deni said...

So true. This jealousy is NOT the normal us and it sucks to feel this way. But it is reasonable for us, it's just the way that things are now! Sending you lots of loving and BELIEVING with you that God is in control and good things are to come!

Andrea said...

Sending you love and hugs XOXO

Antoinette said...

ditto to this whoooooooooooooooooole post xoxo

Marie W said...

I'm jealous too. Oh what I would give to be naive again, but sadly it is not so for us. Sending big hugs your way.

Lori said...

Me too. Even with Luke home...jealous of those who don't live every second fearing it could be the last with their child. It's hard.

Holding you close and lifting you to Him....

Angie H said...

You are not alone , I feel the same things often and then I feel bad for feeling like that ....
I do think its human though and I dont think anybody could blame you for it if they knew how it is to walk your shoes .

I am happy to know that you keep faith and I have great faith in your future too !
I pray for you often !

Love Angie

Andrea said...

Sweetest Grace,

I can honestly say that jealousy has overcome me as well. I'll always be jealous of those who this journey came so easy for...I contemplated writing a post titled "will I always envy them"?

Much Love to you honey...I pray for you always and had you on my heart very heavily today. I cried thinking of all your pain and found myself wishing I could wash it away.

xxxx

tonton said...

I understand how you feel. I think we have all been there (I know I have)...and in some ways we fight with it on a daily basis.

Know that you are not alone

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