Tuesday, January 18, 2011


Some Days I feel like this:

Optimistic with a few dips and trips but I get back up and trudge on. All in all a lovely day or days or weeks or however long it lasts.

Then there are days when i feel like this:

These are days or moments when i don't even know if you could call it feeling. It's more like i am just here going along for the ride with whatever happens and however i react is how i react. Not good, not bad but just simply here moving forward as best i can.

Then there are days like these:

Where no matter how hard you try, life just plain sucks at that moment or particular time. It seems that you just can't see the positve in anything, heartaching memories seem to take over and you are just stuck in a downward motion and it seems as if nothing can pick you up.

And just when I think this is the hardes state to be in I have (well used to have) days like this:

Yep, I feel like scribble scrabble. I don't even know how to describe this feeling except by this picture. Theres no one direction, up or down, forward are backward good or bad. It's everything. Jumbled. Almost like i'm just on the verge of losing my mind or have already lost it.

This journey of baby loss never ceases to amaze me. It's a journey of so many twists and turns and dips. When i go back through some of my posts, one would think that I have lost my mind. It's like one day i'm up and the next is somewhere else on a whole different level. But I can say that I have realized that it is what it is. I have to allow myself to feel what i feel when i feel it and however I feel it. It doesn't make me crazy, it doesn't make me selfish, it doesn't make me a crybaby or pitiful. But it makes me. This journey makes me into a whole new person. A stronger person, never in a million years did i think that i'd be able to still stand through the loss of my children, never would i have thought that through it all i'd still have my faith. Never would i have thought that i could love as deeply as i have, as i do. Never would i have thought that i could give back the love that has so graciously been given to me, or support those who are anxiously awaiting their rainbows. But I do , and I am. I know that I will never be the old me. But I also know that I am a better me and though I wish that I could have my angels here with me, I also hold on to the fact that I would never be the me i am now without them. So yes I will have days like those pictured above, but I am thankful that the confusing and hard days now are few and far between. I am thankful that i can remember my babies with tears in my eyes but a smile on my face. I am thankful that i can still praise God for them, that I know one day i will see them again and that I will soon here on this earth get my expected end.

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us...............Rom 8:18

Loving My Angels


Andrea said...

Beautiful, beautiful post sweetest friend. The range of emotions you experience is validated by your journey...each and every one of them. Your taking "rest in Him" and holding onto FAITH when it was easier to abandon both is a testament to who you are. You are rich in spirit, filled with love and committed to HOPE.

And above anything, you WILL get your expected end :)

Continue as you are and reslish the good when you can and when you can't I'll be standing near to return the favor of tying your ROPE. We will do this "together", as that's what the Fab 5 is all about.

<3 you


cgd said...

I have chills and tears in my eyes reading this. What an amazing post.
You put things so well. This is a crazy ride and our emotions are just so unpredictable. I agree that through this process we find our strength, our faith, our love, our ability to endure.
you are one of the strongest women I have ever "met", I am honored to "know" you and to share even a small part of this journey with you.
sending lots of love to you...

Deni said...

I love you and know that better days are ahead! This is part of the new normal, and it sucks!!!

Angie H said...

Oh what a great post !

I feel very much what you describe ,its scary to be so changeable and have those moodswings but I believe its a normal part of this journey .
This is a very hard journey to make and I am so grateful that I dont walk it alone , that I have so many wonderful ladies to share their thoughts and inspire me , to boost my faith when its low.
I am so grateful for you Shandrea , your faith is always helping me to believe too , when I am in doubt .
This journey changes you forever , I believe it is for a reason - maybe to make us stronger or to use us for comforting others by sharing our experience .
We see the world a little different than before we know and understand things that not everybody knows and that makes us capable of helping others that are grieving .
This is a way in turning our pain in something good : to help others in need.
And we have to believe that God will not forsake us and that there will be better times in the future even if its hard to believe when we are in a period when the arrow points down....
I am to pending between hope and acceptence and fear and despair.
I hope that God will hold us in his hands and help us to have more happy times

Holly said...

I like the verse you shared b/c it is a good reminder that nothing that we suffer on this earth will ever compare to the greatness of the glory of Heaven. Wow.

AHB said...

Your feelings are always so heartfelt and they hit the nail on the head..that is why I have awarded you with a Stylish Blogger Award on my blog..You deserve it!!

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