Then there are days when i feel like this:
These are days or moments when i don't even know if you could call it feeling. It's more like i am just here going along for the ride with whatever happens and however i react is how i react. Not good, not bad but just simply here moving forward as best i can.
Then there are days like these:
Where no matter how hard you try, life just plain sucks at that moment or particular time. It seems that you just can't see the positve in anything, heartaching memories seem to take over and you are just stuck in a downward motion and it seems as if nothing can pick you up.
And just when I think this is the hardes state to be in I have (well used to have) days like this:
Yep, I feel like scribble scrabble. I don't even know how to describe this feeling except by this picture. Theres no one direction, up or down, forward are backward good or bad. It's everything. Jumbled. Almost like i'm just on the verge of losing my mind or have already lost it.
This journey of baby loss never ceases to amaze me. It's a journey of so many twists and turns and dips. When i go back through some of my posts, one would think that I have lost my mind. It's like one day i'm up and the next is somewhere else on a whole different level. But I can say that I have realized that it is what it is. I have to allow myself to feel what i feel when i feel it and however I feel it. It doesn't make me crazy, it doesn't make me selfish, it doesn't make me a crybaby or pitiful. But it makes me. This journey makes me into a whole new person. A stronger person, never in a million years did i think that i'd be able to still stand through the loss of my children, never would i have thought that through it all i'd still have my faith. Never would i have thought that i could love as deeply as i have, as i do. Never would i have thought that i could give back the love that has so graciously been given to me, or support those who are anxiously awaiting their rainbows. But I do , and I am. I know that I will never be the old me. But I also know that I am a better me and though I wish that I could have my angels here with me, I also hold on to the fact that I would never be the me i am now without them. So yes I will have days like those pictured above, but I am thankful that the confusing and hard days now are few and far between. I am thankful that i can remember my babies with tears in my eyes but a smile on my face. I am thankful that i can still praise God for them, that I know one day i will see them again and that I will soon here on this earth get my expected end.
For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us...............Rom 8:18
Loving My Angels