Thursday, January 6, 2011

On The Sidelines

That's exactly how i feel right now. Right at this moment. As if i am on the sidelines watching everyone else. Wondering if i will ever get my turn. It seems as there are so many in the game at this moment. and then there is me. Just watching everybody else pass me by. Don't get me wrong I am truly happy for all of my BLM's and even some who are not. And no it's not fair that I cry for myself when i hear of others who have been blessed with what i want so much, but it's when I know their stories and or circumstances that it makes me hurt. It makes me wonder, why them and not me! Today my SIL (#2) called to let me know that she is pg . She said she wanted to tell me b/c she didn't want me to hear it from anyone else. I greatly appreciate that about her, but it still doesn't stop my heart from hurting. I love her dearly , but it still hurts. Here I sit with a husband and a home full of room for babies, but yet it's still just him and I and my step kids when they stay over. and not to put her business out I will just say that she is going through some things. And though she is I will say that it was known that she wanted another baby (she has a son already). I guess at the moment I am just jealous and I know that isn't of God, but right now at this moment I just don't get it. I hurt and i wish I didn't . I wish i could be happy and give her the support that she is going to need without feeling that way I feel, but I just don't know how right now and I really really want to.

Lord I hope this isn't a test, because if so i am failing miserably at this moment.

Loving my Angels


Antoinette said...

when we judge our own feelings its the gentle with yourself. its really hard to hear about a BFP for someone who didnt try for it, and here you are not trying but not avoiding either....I will keep you in my thoughts as always and praying for YOUR expected end..xoxoxo

DeniFay said...

It's not something you can control. You may not be the person to give her the support right now, at this time. Sometimes, that's someone else's job for the time being! You're an amazing friend and an amazing person. Go easy on yourself sweet Grace, and make sure you take care of you first a foremost for now!!! Love you much and praying for you for all the things you want and need!!!

Jennifer Ross said...

Oh, Shandrea, my heart is breaking for you right now. I'm so sorry that your heart is aching. If this is a test, you are not failing. You have entrusted us to lift you in prayer, and that is exactly what we will do.

You are so loved!

mrsnice777 said...

Girl - you're human - God knows that. You have a right to feel these feelings - give yourself time for them! You are always so strong and positive - have a pity party every once and awhile!! Then you can be as supportive as you want. ;-)

Love you girl! Hang in there! ((((hugz))))

AHB said...

You have every right to feel like you do..I understand how you feel completely. I feel the same way..just standing by and watching everyone else get what I want so easily without any problems at all. You have been through so much, and you are so strong and supportive regardless. You need to be sad and jealous at times..Don't hide from your real emotions because it will only make things worse. I have been having a hard time being excited for my little sister who is pregnant with her first..a girl. I am trying to be supportive even though it hurts sometimes. Keep your chin up..your story is just beginning to get to the good parts..:)

Marie W said...

Big hugs Shandrea. I have felt that way many times (even now). I keep referring back to a post I had written a while back. It is courage why we strive forward. It is courage why we hold our head up when we hear the news of BFPs from others even when our hearts ache. You are one courageous woman and I will be rejoicing the loudest when its your turn.

Ann said...

I'm right there with you Shandrea as I have endured a total of 3 pregnancy announcements these last 2 weeks. Two being my cousins and one being my SIL (this one came at a total shock). I too am just sitting on the sidelines, and I am feeling lower than I've felt in a long time. However, you are such a faithful person, and I know you will find peace soon. Sending love your way.

Brie said...

We'll get off the bench soon foot in front of the day at a time. Thinking of you & understanding the heartache of learning that yet another couple has been blessed with what we want so badly...Although happy for their fortune, it's hard not to mourn for ourselves, our losses and our uncertainty for the future.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGS))

The Blue Sparrow said...

Oh honey! I feel the same exact way! My B.I.L just got engaged over Christmas and my first thought was, "Oh God, dont let them get pregnant before us!" How awful is that?! It's not something that we can control, they are feelings afterall but I wanted to let you know that I'm here, I'm on the sidelines too so if you ever need company, Im here. (((HUGS)))

Andrea said...

Sweetest Grace,

First, never apoligise for your feelings. I've had all those thoughts myself. The jealousy, the why them and not me, feeling like and outsider, etc...and it hurts so deeply. None of us could blame you for those feelings, as you are normal. I'm just happy that you put how your feeling out here...venting helps :)

More than anything, I have such HOPE in your journey. I KNOW your time is near and I BELIEVE for you.

As for your SIL, that is hard. I've lived that moment and felt terrible things toward her, as my heart was aching so badly. Eventually I cam to terms with it, but it took some time. Give yourself time.

Sending you love

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