1 Year in Heaven

So today marks one year since you've been gone. I wish I could say the hurt is gone, but it's not. I still have nights that I can't close my eyes because all I see are our last days together. I still cry at the fact that of those 2hrs you were alive after you were born I was asleep for most of them. I still cry at the fact that I don't have you here. But I can say the pain is less. I smile at the fact that I love you so much, I sometimes smile just thinking of your sweet name, I smile at the fact that though not on this side, I will still see you again. I thank God for the lessons learned from you.

I also want to share something your Daddy wrote for you. He doesn't have a blog but he posts about you and your brother and you sister on facebook :


The loss of a child is not something you get over... It's something you get through" I miss you. Life just hasn't been the same since you've been gone, and since you've been gone, my love for you has grown; along, with the pain of loosing you, and the pain of loosing you, is something I will never get use to. I use to; cry myself to sleep at night thinking of you, and thinking of you; I still do; because I miss you





There couldn't have been better words spoken

Happy 1yr in heaven sweet boy. Eventhough you couldn't be in a safer place, I still wish you were here with me.

Do you know what today is......

It's our Anniversary! For Hubby and I that is. 8 years ago today I married My soul mate. The man that showed me what it is to have someone love you just as much as you love them. He is my best friend, my lover, my confident. He is honest with me even when I don't want to hear it. He encourages me, builds me up and makes me feel like I am the most beautiful thing in the world inside and out. These 8yrs have not been the easiest. I must say the past three (well 2 and a half) haven't been the easiest. Your regular marriage issues that arise coupled with losing children can definately put a strain on any marriage, but I am thankful to God that we are surviving and I pray that we will have many more to celebrate but coupled with a few birthdays of living children sprinkled through out. ;O)


What better song for today than this one!






This Song Always makes me think of him!

Increments

It's funny (not really but hey the only expression i can think of right now to go with this post.) how IF and baby loss affects ones life. I never could have imagined the toll it would bring on my marriage. Here we are two years since our first loss to almost a year of our third loss and new issues that I never would have thought of have come up in the last month. I am grateful that we are holding on and surviving ( I say surviving because we are still going through things)(though I imagine we always will) . I am grateful for wonderful friends who see me through and give me the extra push I need because they love me.

But most of all the thing that gets me is how we (well not everybody, but I'm hoping I'm not the only one) begin to live our lives in two week increments or the like. Like I now have 2 ovulation apps on my ipod. as if one isn't enough (I guess i needed back up, for what I don't know, but I just felt comfortable with 2) and the crazy thing is I almost had 3 but I didn't like the other one I found. I think about how this last time I got pg (with tristen) how I was online frantically looking at ovulation counters, going to the store to buy OPK's to back up the counter and stocking up on a lifetime (okay not a lifetime, more than enough) pg tests. I remember pos (os =on sticks) a few days before and a few days after what the counter said to make sure that it was right. I remember the two week wait and how anxious I was (still am even now) to POAS at the slightest sign that I could be pg. Driving myself crazy with all the what ifs. when I got the bfp, I remember living my life week by week worrying if we were gonna make it to the next.
I remember at times when we were trying and the test was negative, I remember crying myself to sleep.

And even now not much has changed, as a matter of fact I think things may have gotten worse. Even when I know there is no chance of a bfp i still find myself hoping "well maybe it is, maybe I should just check" or (because my husband works away from home) I find myself planning sex for when hubby does get home. I mean who plans specific sex (i.e when, time (sometimes how many times) best position) . A baby loss mom / some one dealing with IF, that's who! I found myself at one point planning my life around possibly, hopefully, wishingly to one day have a baby. But thankfully I've realized that I can't live like that. So I plan but I don't let TTC hold me back from my other dreams ( okay not a lot, but hey I am making progress)

But I still find myself at times living in increments.

Sorry for the babbling and it may be a little confusing but it was on my mind and I had to get it out .

Sometimes you just wanna Scream

Hmmmmmmm where to start?

Well I decided to go ahead and take the phlebotomy class. And I guess that was a good call seeing that I won't have to worry about being pregnant at the time of the class.

So today was the first day and I guess I should have been prepared seeing as how it's always the day that everyone gets to hear a little bit about the others. So of course we go around the room and introduce ourselves and tell a little about ourselves. When it was my turn I didn't say much , just my name , age and how long I've been married. (I was not the first one to go)

All around me I heard names, ages, some were married and some where not, and of course I got to hear about the number of kids and some who were single parents with kids and one that was still naive and talked about how she wants kids, and then (insert SWIFT KICK in the GUT here) when she told them that the WHOLE class and I mean the WHOLE class, (of course except for me) told her how NO YOU SHOULD WAIT, and GIRL YOU DON'T WANT KIDS, and YOU'RE YOUNG GO HAVE FUN! and HOW MUCH TROUBLE THEY ARE and HOW MUCH OF YOUR TIME THEY TAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now of course I know that for her some of these things are true. She is young, yes children do take a lot of your time and yes she is young. BUT, it's just the fact that I had to be in the room to hear that. The fact that if I knew i'd be going through the things I'm going through now, I don't think I would have waited for what others thought was a good age. I think I honestly would have started trying sooner. Not saying that trying now is late, but if I'd have known the gravity of ttc, the effects that loss can have on you, the fact that not everyone gets to take home a baby.

and the most mind boggling thing is how people will say they are sorry to hear what has happened to you and then go on as though you never told them anyting.

case & point
I went to lunch with a few girls I met in class (this was before the formal intro's we had to make)
and of course the questions started, "what do you" "are you married" "do you have kid's?"
So of course when it came to me yes i'm married , I don't work, two step children (of course i should have talked about my babies, but I'm still navigating on how to do that) so one girl asks " do you want kids?" Me: yes but I've had 3 losses ( of course should have been more detailed , but I just couldn't ) Them: oh sorry to hear that

So fast forward we are back at school two girls who ate lunch with me go to the bathroom, I enter in after them girl 1. I don't know if i want kids (blah blah and some other stuff) girl 2: my husband wants us to try and I'm like uh uh not while i'm in school, I mean I don't even know if i want anymore (blah blah blah) and I knw this probably shouldn't bother me, but it does I mean maybe it's my fault b/c I didn't show how much my losses affected me or I didn't show how big of a deal losing my babies were to me, I don't know. But all I do know is that I hate to hear people talk about how much of a hassle their child or children are when I so badly want to be in their place, and I think jelousy sets in when i hear those that are still able to be naievely (sp?) hopeful about pregnancy being so easy. Whatever the reason is Sometimes I just want to SCREAM!

But because I've been such a downer lately I'll end on a positive note:

I had a friend tell me that right now maybe God is trying to get me to a certain place . and I'll admit at first it kind of sounded harsh to me for a split second, but with the things that are going on in my life at the moment, the may be (there is ) some truth to that.


1Cor 15:58
Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

One of those Days

Today is just one of those days. Well it actually started sunday when AF showed up. It may have even started before that, but we're gonna go with sunday because things weren't really getting to me until then. It's not like it wasn't expected but I guess that was just the straw that broke the camels back. I am truly happy for those that I love who have been blessed but today I am just sad for me.

I wish I had more to say, but that's it...........

I will end in saying that I am thankful to God for those he has placed to hold me up when I can't. Through everything he is yet and still and awesome God.

I've been thinking about my post yesterday and I feel like though it was what I was feeling at the time, I think bits and pieces may have sounded a little whiny and somewhat selfish. I know that yes I have to look out for my feelings but I also feel like it sorta seemed like I wasn't really thinking about the God I served. There have been many instances over this past month where I thought I would lose it or find myself gettting ready to have a fit and a few hours or days later he has provided a way ( I call these my "coulda had a V8" moments) because just when I fall apart he's there puting me together and then I'm looking at myself like "drea all you had to do was wait on me" then I calm down and go about my mary way until the next thing comes up. So I am telling myself now that I will calm down and hold on because I know God is able and I just have to trust him. Katy had a great verse on her pray date blog tuesday which I'm gonna put here too because it was truly what I needed to hear.


James 1:2-4
2My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;

3Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.

4But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing.


and also another verse that I have been holding too lately that seems to bring me peace

Isaiah 61:3

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified.


So Lord I'm here though I may be a lil impatient at times I'm holding on as best I can and waiting on you.

Short story , Long Vent.

Story: Around the end of March my sister and my niece came to stay with me so that my sister could finish school. Well she found out last month that she is pregnant. yep pregnant.

Vent: At first upon hearing the news I was okay. I don't think i fully realized what it meant for me. All I knew, all that I still know is that I want to help her so she can have a better future, a life for her and her kids, so that she can make something of herself, so that she doesn't feel like a she's a failure or doing what "everyone" told her she would do. But in knowing that I wanted to help her, I didn't take time out (at that moment) to really think about what this would do/is doing to me. For some reason I thought "hey my SIL is pg and I'm doing fine with that, but I didn't think about the fact that I'm not around her too often. But the fact is , my sister lives with me. I have to see her everyday now, I have hear about how tired she is, how sick she is and of course I'm gonna have to see that growing belly at least for 3 and a half more months. I'm beginning to think that I may not be able to handle this and I don't know what to do about it. I feel so bad for thinking about me, but I feel bad for not thinking about me. It seems that I'm the only one thinking about me. Well hubby is too, he asked me how I felt when i told him the news and I told him I didn't know. and at the time that was true because I truly didn't know. I was a mixed ball of emotions, but at the center of it I knew that I still wanted to be there for her and help her. And at the core of it I do. I just don't want to feel the way I'm beginning to feel. I'm starting to wish i would have told her when I heard the news that she will have to go back home and let my mom help her. But that's not what I want. I want her to rise above all the mean things people have told her, but now I'm at a cross roads on what to do. I mean I know I know I know in my soul that God has great things in store for me, that he will grant me the desires of my heart, that I don't have to be sad about this because my blessings are coming I know they are . without a doubt I know they are. It's just now, in this moment, I just wish............................