SHG

So I just made it home from having the SHG (sonohysterogram) done. It was a little more uncomfortable than the HSG (hysterosalpingogram). He had a hard time inserting the catheter but he told me that was probably due to the fact that my cerclage is still there. Yes it's still there. apperently it wasn't removed when i had my m/c. So now I sit here at home teary eyed and overwhelmed. I guess i should have asked about that back when i m/c but i would have thought they would have removed it then seeing as it no longer had a purpose. But i guess silly me for assuming. So now i have to make an appt with my doctor to have it removed. This sucks, it has me grumpy . For some reason it has me feeling so close to what i want but still so far away. It seems like these small irritations keep popping up and thus begins the frustration all over again. But other than that it went fine. I should be able to get my results by the end of this week so now i sit in wait for that.


Phil4:8
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue and if there be any praise , think on these things.


So as I wipe away the tears I will follow this and think on the good. Having my life and strength. Being able to get the tests done, having a right mind and working limbs.

and something that has made me especially happy

CONGRATS to Andrea . Sending her lots of love and prayers.

Loving My Angels

Waiting

Psalm37:4-5

Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.

This very thing was at one time very hard to do at all. Even now it still is hard at times. But now there are at least times that i can. But I must admit also that there are times that this is hard. One can't help but look at those blessed with what you so desperately long for and wonder why them and not me, why do i suffer yet it comes so easily for them. But then I read this passage this morning and it brings me comfort. If i just focus on him and not what others have, if i just give myself to him, keep my eyes on him, remember his promises for me , his blessings for me, his love for me then he will give me what i so desire. Of course this is not easy. Doing this also means being patient, it means waiting and of course these things seem to be very hard to do. Yet and still no matter how hard it is, I find myself doing this very thing wether i want to or not. At this point waiting is something i have no control over. I wait to get tests, I wait for results, I wait for the next step. I wait and I wait and I wait, but with this waiting i am learning patience. I must say that i never thought that i would be a patient person, but i am begining to be that and that in itself (though it hurts learning it) is a blessing. I've asked God many times to help me to learn patience and it now is coming to me. I'm learning to wait on him to hold on to his word. Though i have had much pain and heartache I am thankful. Thankful that i am able to see a blessing in things that were once to painful to think on, i am able to good where i thought there was none, I am able to hope again. and most importantly I am waiting sometimes patiently and sometimes i get a little anxious, but I am waiting, I am waiting better than what i used to, frustration tries at times to set in, but anger is gone, self pity is moving out of the way. I wait with joy, knowing that my blessing and not only my blessing but those that i have prayed for and continue to pray for, their blessings are coming also. so i will continue to "Delight myself in the LORD"

Thank you Lord for being so good. For giving light to dark situations and circumstances.




Sorry for the babbling. My heart and mind are just full this morning. wishing all a Terrific Tuesday.

Loving My Angels

Those Days

I hate the gloomy days. I hate the days i feel like pooh. I hate those days that one moment i'm fine and in the very next breath i'm crying. I hate the days all i see are the negatives in my life. I hate the days that i get upset at thinking of how others are blessed with what i long for. I hate the days I feel like giving up.

But i also love them

I love them because in those days God gives me a word from him. I love them because he sends others my way with encouragement and love. I love those days b/c he sends me texts through a friend. I love those days because he sends me an open ear. I love those days b/c he loves me enough to send me comfort, to give me wisdom , to help me see the good though it's hard. He puts a song in my spirit. He gives me strength to keep moving no matter how small the step. He reminds me that with him I can make it. That i am not alone and it's not by my own power but by his saving grace that i make it through each day. He is awesome, he is wonderful, he is God.


Phil4:13
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me

Loving My Angels

The Results are In

And the results are...............................



Another Test. I can't recall the name of this one that is next. I was out when i got the results so my terms won't be the terms the nurse used. Basically they found a growth (she didn't say those exact words but i can't remember the term she used) but something like a bump at the opening of my uterus. She says that they are thinking this could be the cause of me m/c but they are not sure so i will be getting another test where they will take xrays and an ultrasound of my uterus I couldn't understand her very well where i was at so i can't recall the actual name of it. So imaging doesn't call me tomorrow then i will call them thursday to see if they got the order then go from there. So this is where i am right now. Lets hope things only begin to look up from here.

on another note

Today i'm tired, tired of this heartache, tired of this sadness, tired of tears, tired of the heaviness just plane old tired. My life has been filled with heartache for over a year now, i'm in dire (sorry about the spelling) need of some happiness, some good news something to let me smile for more than just a moment. So Lord tonight i am doing my best to cast my cares upon you, please catch them;o) I know only you can give me what i need.;o)

Loving My Angels

Sleep

Tonight sleep eludes me. I close my eyes hoping for sleep to come, but it doesn't.
I remember being in the room with my sister when my niece was born. I remember hearing her cry for the first time. Then i remember camron being born and how silent the room was except for my cries. I remember xavien and tristen. How i longed to heart their cries letting me know they were okay. But I didn't, just my own sobs. And now i can't close my eyes because the tears won't stop. The pain won't go away. This is a moment i wish would go away. I wish i could just be numb. I wish i could sleep. Next month is Camron's due date. Had I made it to Sept 9 he would be a year old next month. I think of my niece and all the things she does and then i think of what my cam would be doing right now. I think of how close they would be. I think of summers going to get my niece so she could hang out with her favorite cousin. I think of betting with my sister of who would be walking first, would their first words be the same. would they be like my sister and i calling our mom by her first name at some point. Then again i'm crying. crying for what could have been. For what isn't and for the things i wish were. it's moments like these that makes it so hard to stay encouraged.

I'm tired , so very tired, but sleep won't find me.

HSG

So today was the HSG. It went by quickly. I had no nerves about it really and that's thanks to Andrea and Nan;o) ((Love you Guys;o)) it was quick, i cramped but wasn't bad. The doctor was nice and explained everything to me before and while he was doing it. So now i'm just waiting on the report which my doctor should have monday. I'm gonna try and be patient and wait til tues before i call them, but knowing me i will probably call monday;o)

Gosh it feels good to make a step forward;o)

Loving My Angels

Spare Me;o/

Geesh! Sometimes i wonder are some people ( well when i say people at this moment i mean on person in particular) just slow in thinking or are they just really uncaring.
case and point
Today i posted something on my fb status about frustrations well later this evening i get a call from SIL#2 ( i have like 7 SIL's so i have to number them, and i've posted about this same one before so i guess i shouldn't be surprised about what happened) asking me if someone had done something to me. I told her no and that I was just frustrated with life for a moment. Well we got to talking about other things and she was telling me about her going to miami and in the conversation I was asking what if different things happened and she wasn't able to go. Well her response is "rain sleet or snow" "even if i'm pregnant" " N (her bf) said what if you're pregnant". I mean really! like i needed that part of the convo. But again I guess i shouldn't be suprised I've had to come here and vent about her before after I lost xavien. But I just don't get it. She's hinted around about thinking she's pg before but i chose to ignore it and i ignored it this time and steered the convo somewhere else and then got off the phone. But i guess that's just an example of the world thinking I should've moved on by now or the enemy rearing his ugly head and doing something to get on my nerves.

Either way ! I don't need either and they can just spare me with their crap!

I'm putting all my cares on the one above!

1Peter5:7
Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.

Loving My Angels